oneshot hot july ain't good to me

[edenberry ?!]

Hey Raindrop,

I'm assuming you made it home safe by now... I'm back at home too but I guess our reasons are kinda different, huh?

Maybe I'm a bit of a coward but I couldn't shake this feeling of a sea of eyes on me after I told you. I just don't want to upset anyone... and this is kind of just our mistake right..? Not.. that I regret the time we spent together... or this... I think... It just comes at a bad time. I'm worried that this'll define me... define you, too, maybe? I don't know too much about how things are for you, where you live... you seem to have good cats with you. Friends, I hope. Folks that cherish you. That keep you safe.

I never got to ask how you felt about it... You seemed so relieved and I just... couldn't understand why. You look so tired but in that moment you looked so soft, like a stone lodged in your throat had finally wiggled free. Are you happy? Will you still be happy when we see each other next? I have so many questions... I didn't really think about how weird it would be for you to just... not be around to answer them.

. . . .

I spent some time with my friends before I left... it kind of felt like saying goodbye. I don't think any of them quite realized... But... I don't think they'll be hurt by my absence. Cherryblossom has Lupinesong I guess... and Twitchbolt has Butterflytuft. I'm not really anyone's 'someone,' yanno? That's okay though... As long as they are happy, I can be fine with that. And I'll be back before they know it! Even if things might be different...

Spicepaw isn't very happy with me... I worry I've asked too much of her. I just... didn't know any other way to go about it. I'm not selfish! I don't abandon my duties! I've... I've stuck it out with SkyClan since I was a kitten, I won't abandon them! But there are some who would be happy to accuse me of it... I couldn't risk it. I'm no hero, not like Candorkit thinks I am... I'm good at running...

Maybe... Too good at running....

I'm hoping I can make it up to her... Do you have siblings? Have you ever asked them to keep a secret? I'd like to know more about you Raindrop but something tells me we're destined to be little more than birds flying past in our migratory paths. Only to reunite when the seasons blow us towards one another.

. . . .

Oh, yeah. I'm not sure how much you even care to know but... I've been so uninterested in food lately... and I'm not quite the skinny thing I was when we met. It's weird but.. I guess it's just one of those things... My Twoleg made my nest extra comfortable with this soft stuff that feels like downy feathers. I bet Dawnglare would love it...

I'm getting really bored though. I hope the time passes quickly but there's probably still quite a bit of time left... I'll keep you in my thoughts. Stay safe.

~ Edenberry ... Guess I'm not playing warrior anymore, huh...?

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𓍊𓋼𓍊𓋼𓍊 〰 i can still hear you sing

• -- edenberry / skyclan daylight warrior / any pronouns / 14 moons
  -- mostly white with black pinstripe and green eyes / scarred face and back / noticeable bump where previously skinny
  -- color #728c69​

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[edenberry ?!]

Raindrop, it's me again,

Scratch what I said about the food thing- I'm practically starving all the time now! Spicepaw comes home to tell me about her training, I hope she's having an easier time than I did. I don't think I got the chance to tell you- Of like, all the things a warrior's meant to do, I messed up my assessment hunting... and I'm way better at that than fighting so it was a shock! Hazelbeam was a great mentor... and advocate in general, and Orangestar gave me the chance to make up for it... I don't think that's a kindness she often affords so I hope to make it up to her as soon as I'm back.

. . . .

I've been thinking about names... The ones I like are kind of soft though, I worry it'll mean they won't be taken seriously, should they choose to chase after me in the daylight lifestyle... but I mean... shouldn't names be wishes for what you hope for? Not that mine makes much sense... stolen from Twoleg garbling... Your name is sweet though...

Reminds me of the spring time... fresh rain... Mizzle would be cute. Or maybe something a little sturdier like Downpour...? I don't know... I just know that it'll be time to figure it out before I ever feel confident in a decision.

I know there's a lot of cats that care a lot about legacy and recognizing those that came before them but... I don't really have the 'family' that merits those kinds of things. I found family in my clan... I can't very well name them after everyone in SkyClan! Besides... I'd rather not have a like... Ashenkit or Blazekit (sorry Blazingpaw). It feels... weird.... Like clinging to a ghost.

. . . .

I can't deny that these cats have a strong connection to StarClan but their ancestors certainly don't waste their time trying to know me... all I can do is honor the dead that I know! The only way I know how is with actions... Who cares if there's another Edenkit someday? I'd rather others just strive to teach others to be the best parts of me-

Choose kindness when you can afford to Raindrop. There's plenty of pain in these forests without adding to it... And pushing that pain off onto someone else won't really help in the long run... It'll always find its way back home.

~ Eden

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𓍊𓋼𓍊𓋼𓍊 〰 i can still hear you sing

• -- edenberry / skyclan daylight warrior / any pronouns / 14 moons
  -- mostly white with black pinstripe and green eyes / scarred face and back / noticeable bump where previously skinny
  -- color #728c69​

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[edenberry ?!]

Raindrop,

I'm tired....

Like... all the time tired. I know that I am lucky, because I am well taken care of in a home that never runs out of food, never gets too hot or cold, never forces me to fight for my comfort. I have the closest thing to family as I'll ever get... but it is still weirdly... lonely.

I've grown so used to seeing so many faces every day... waiting for other daylight warriors along the paths towards SkyClan in the mornings and chatting about what new trinkets our Twolegs have brought home. Changes in dry food. What kinds of birds have been invading our gardens. And then there's the actual clan cats.

I miss Lupinesong's unflinching closeness... her breathy laugh. I miss Cherryblossom's droning cadence, her love of gossip... her scent. Spicepaw does her best to keep me up-to-date but, I'd much rather be out there talking to them myself. Being apart of it. I miss Fireflypaw! His humble, quiet nature... Don't tell Orangestar but sometimes I even miss her too, in all her glowering, frowning ambiance of doom and gloom. At the very least I can enjoy the satisfaction of knowing I'll be seeing them again soon enough... and that unlike you they aren't going to disappear again.

I'm not sure how I really feel about all of this, as things draw to an ominous close. I know I've mentioned how much time I've spent chatting with other queens and playing with their babies to keep them entertained but I'm starting to fear that isn't good enough. It's not like I'll be able to ask. Who do I go to if they don't stop crying? Or... if their little ears don't wiggle in my direction when I say their names? They're bound to be healthy, it's the luck of being a kittypet... boundless resources...

I'll do my best, because that's what I always do! So you don't have to worry about me.

No one ever needs to worry about me.

I'm Edenberry. I'll figure it out, same as always.

~Eden

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𓍊𓋼𓍊𓋼𓍊 〰 i can still hear you sing

• -- edenberry / skyclan daylight warrior / any pronouns / 14 moons
  -- mostly white with black pinstripe and green eyes / scarred face and back / alarmingly plump
  -- color #728c69​

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[edenberry ?!]

It happened,

They're healthy... and I bet you'd never guess what color they are. Heheheh.... White! Just like us... pale like the moon we used to sit under. The little she-kit- our daughter- she's got a black stripe down her back, like mine but that's where the similarities end so far. They're quite demanding though, in a lot of ways I didn't expect them to be. The moment their eyes and ears opened, they became more than my paws could keep up with; they're so impatient, in the way that all kits are. And they pine for attention constantly, I can hardly step away for more than a moment before they're thundering across the nest to find me.

I thought I'd be more prepared... I like to think I'm patient. I've spent a lot of time playing with the kittens in SkyClan but this is... different. It's far more different in ways I never imagined- maybe that makes me a little stupid. To have expected things to just go back to normal afterwards. That they'd just... be here! And that'd be it... just little shadows to be aware of. They're so much more than that. I'm overwhelmed.

Spicepaw's been a big help... she brings little trinkets from the forest to distract them, tries to entertain them when she's home to help me out. I couldn't ask for a better sister! A better aunt for them. I hate asking for her help more than I already have... it's always favors on behalf of these kits she doesn't even know- or well, she knows them but... they're babies, strangers in their lack of moons lived. She's doing far more than I am and I have the gall to sit here and whine about how hard my life is...

Augh...

I should stop complaining. Because I'm lucky, right? And complaining doesn't suit me. I love them. I'll make things work. It's just a hard moment, that's all and all hard moments pass. I wish you were here! If only because I think you'd love them too. But I know we'll meet again soon so... I'll just keep waiting. I'll keep taking care of them.

Oh! I didn't tell you their names....

Arethusakit's the little she-kit, the one that looks kind of like me. Only time will tell if her eyes will change colors to match or if they'll stay like yours. And the other, our tiny tom... I decided on Mizzlekit. I hope you'll forgive me, I know I said I don't like names that commemorate others but... I thought it might be sweet. His points are getting darker- I'm certain he's going to look like you soon enough so, why not a name to match? For green-leaf rains in the garden...

What a pain they look like us huh...? There'll be no denying it but that's fine... I don't have any intention of letting them follow me to SkyClan anytime soon. Anything I can do to spare them the pain that comes with fighting for your place in the world. They'll be too big for me to tell them what to do eventually but... Until then, I'll have to learn how to say 'no.' Or learn how to let go...

~ Eden

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𓍊𓋼𓍊𓋼𓍊 〰 i can still hear you sing

• -- edenberry / skyclan daylight warrior / any pronouns / 15 moons
  -- mostly white with black pinstripe and green eyes / scarred face and back
  -- color #728c69​

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[edenberry ?!]

I hope this isn't the last time,

We'll see each other again right?

I'm not good at good-byes. Honestly, I've never really been given the chance to give one; everyone I've ever cared about kinda just... vanishes someday. Maybe that's why I couldn't say it... Thought I might be sparing myself from something if I just found a way to talk around it. I didn't want you to leave but it's not like I could make you stay...

You shouldn't have asked me to leave... Why would you ask me that Raindrop? It wasn't fair to ask... you know it isn't fair. I don't know what's worse... that you asked or that I.... that I actually thought about saying yes.

Things are going okay here though... My friends missed me... they're happy to see me... I'm starting to fit in again and find my place. They trust me and.... Who am I kidding....?

It hasn't even been that long and it just... it aches. I can't stop hearing them... seeing them. They're in everything. You're in everything. In the color of a clear sky when I walk towards my clan in the morning... In the birds that fly past me when I'm hunting. In the dark of the alleyways we used to wander... I can't escape it. I see our daughter in the smile Budkit gives me every afternoon... I hear our son whenever Oleanderkit laughs.

Hah.... hahah... it feels like... like dying!

And I'm stuck with it. Because I always figure it out, right? You'll be safe... and happy together... and I'll be here. Knowing you're alright but not where I can ever reach you. IT'S. FINE. EDEN. Let it go... I made my choice and... and I just-

Why did you ask me that....? How could you ask me that? Raindrop... Raindrop take it back. I don't want to think about it anymore. Please don't make me think about it anymore....



.... Everything hurts.

I should've told you I love you.​

Sorry I didn't... Sorry if maybe you love me too.

⟡₊ ⊹ i ll betray you like a man

• 
• -- edenberry / skyclan daylight warrior / any pronouns / 17 moons
  -- mostly white with black pinstripe and green eyes / scarred face and back
  -- color #728c69

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