private HOW MANY YEARS CAN I PRETEND [ lupine ]

[falcongaze]

-ˋˏ ༻❁༺ ˎˊ- "I... I l...like you. A lot. Love you, even. A-and I have for so long that its k-kinda mousebrained!"

Falcongaze had been distant. Decisions churning in his head had made it difficult to do anything but work. Work, always work. First, it was Cherryblossom's promotion; that was a difficult thing. He didn't know how quite to describe how he felt about his childhood- and teenaged- bully stepping up to a mantle she just barely deserved. The journey was perhaps the only qualifier he knew of that would allow her to settle into that role, but even then, it felt... felt like favoritism. There was nothing to be done there besides shut his mouth and go with it.

Secondly, it was Drowsynose's confession. He had a small feeling that it might have been coming- no one had ever looked at him like that. Guilt twinged his stomach to think of Lupinesong. Even when he needed to know that Lupinesong loved him, she couldn't say it. Wouldn't? Drowsynose said it in a manner that felt so easy. So right. Even then, Falcongaze had such a hard time doing what he knew he needed to- so much so he had sunk into this 'disguise' of feeling at ease at her side.

She deserved that much, he wagered. Claws shifted, digging into bark as he stared over dim territory. Clouds had gathered overhead. Rain was threatened, but not quite here yet. Falcongaze had picked one of the highest trees and climbed to the peak, not unlike his namesake, to stare over their territory. Briefly, he thought of Beepaw in Riverclan- He wondered how she was doing, but that was irrelevant. He needed to focus on here first.

A long exhale left him as he climbed back down, padding towards camp with a decision made, though it made his heart and his paws heavy. Falcongaze cursed them for feeling sluggish on the way back to camp, but as soon as he entered, stormy eyes shifted about camp. He found Lupinesong, whether she was just returning from hunting or a patrol, and made his way to her. He did not settle at her side like he had in moons prior, instead twitched his ears, and asked, "Can we talk?"

‎‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎┌── ILL SEE YOU WHEN ⋅❁⋅ THE WRATH COMES AROUND ──┐‎

• "speech"
  
  @LUPINESONG
  

• 

• FALCONPAW 🌧 he/him, apprentice of skyclan, thirteen moons.
  ⭃ LH chocolate lynx point with deep blue eyes, and a long scar on his left cheek down under his jawline. pushes his 'hair' back. very long legged, half oriental moggie.
  ⭃ mentored by greeneyes / / mentoring no one
  ⭃ padding after lupinepaw / / brother to spottedpaw and sagepaw
  ⭃ peaceful and healing powerplay permitted / / underline and tag when attacking
  ⭃ penned by dallas ↛ dallasofnines on discord, feel free to dm for plots.
  

​

 

[LUPINESONG]

❀‿ Lupinesong missed Falcongaze. Or maybe it was that she missed the Falcongaze she had begun padding after all those moons ago. She missed when she nuzzled his pretty face and when he would speak to her so softly, and she missed when she could brush against him or twine their tails without having to guess whether it would be one of those times he leaned away. She missed when she could think of him without that unfailing fog of anxiety rolling through her body telling her that this was how things were always going to be, that there was something fundamental to her very being that wasn't capable of being good at loving correctly, even if it's all she wanted

She's returning from a patrol so uneventful she's already forgetting the details of it when Falcongaze approaches her. He looks serious — she notes that she doesn't remember the last time she saw him not looking serious — and Lupinesong already feels a creep of dread snake through her pelt. Lupinesong nods when he asks her if they can talk, turning on her heels to walk back out of the camp entrance she just came through and curling her tail for him to follow. Again the dread fills her veins more as they wander off to find a private spot, and as the creature of habit she is, she finds herself leaning over to attempt to brush her face to the fur of Falcongaze's shoulder, if only to ground herself. "What's wrong?" she finally asks, pale green and blue meeting like the horizon at newleaf, already feeling preemptively guarded, "Did something, like, happen?"

LOVE ME MORE, ⊹₊°❀‿ LOVE ENOUGH TO DROWN ME OUT.

• OOC:
• 
• 
  — lupinekit . lupinepaw . lupinesong
  — trans she/her. 15mo warrior of skyclan. formerly mentored by dandelionwish, padding after falcongaze
  — bobbie x duke. littermate to crowsight & drowsynose. older half-sister of hollykit, lionkit, and candorkit
  — a tall, pretty, long-haired black smoke with low white and green eyes
  — smells like sweet lupine flowers and young pine needles
  — "speech", thoughts, attack
  — fullbody by pikaihao and funnyguy by pin
  — penned by eezy

​

 

[falcongaze]

-ˋˏ ༻❁༺ ˎˊ- Lupinesong is silent in accepting his request. Ears twitched in thought- did she know what he was going to ask, no, tell her? The way her figure droops ever so slightly, he knew well enough that she was tasting ashes like he had, but in a manner of unknowing, where he had the details. Swallowing quietly, he follows her in silent step. When they found the private spot, Falcongaze stood.

He allowed her the contact- it was one of the last few pleasantries that he'd offer her. Falcongaze did not reciprocate, not like he normally did even under stormy pretenses. Eyes finally locked with hers, and his eyebrows were drawn in almost a mournful, apologetic way, even though he was deeply sure this is what he wanted. I don't want to hurt her. I don't. He thought to himself, a breath inhaled. Vision shifted and turned away.

Even with as strong as he was, he couldn't lock eyes while saying this. He couldn't. "Lupe..." Falcongaze inhaled. Eyes squeezed shut, and finally he turned stormed blues back towards her, ears pressing backwards. While he couldn't, he had to. He would not afford himself relief while causing this. "I can't do this anymore." He finally spoke, words unrestrained, ears still flat. A sharp breath inhaled, teeth gnawing at his cheek before he spoke before.

"You couldn't say you loved me then, and you still haven't. The way you looked at Cherryblossom when she and Edenberry got together-" He cut himself off, head drawing up. Lips twisted in a grimace before he spoke again, now standing at his full height where he had been cocked over. "You deserve to be happier. I can't give that to you." Falcongaze said. He knew that as much as she did.

Thoughts flashed towards Drowsynose. I deserve to be happier. He realized as he finalized their split, a breath leaving him. He did not want the uncertainty, he did not want to know that she had lingering looks for another cat when he stood near her. He needed to know, solidly. A breath left him, eyes squeezing shut. "I'm sorry. For what it's worth, I do want to see you happier."

‎‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎┌── ILL SEE YOU WHEN ⋅❁⋅ THE WRATH COMES AROUND ──┐‎

• "speech"
  

• 

• FALCONPAW 🌧 he/him, apprentice of skyclan, thirteen moons.
  ⭃ LH chocolate lynx point with deep blue eyes, and a long scar on his left cheek down under his jawline. pushes his 'hair' back. very long legged, half oriental moggie.
  ⭃ mentored by greeneyes / / mentoring no one
  ⭃ padding after lupinepaw / / brother to spottedpaw and sagepaw
  ⭃ peaceful and healing powerplay permitted / / underline and tag when attacking
  ⭃ penned by dallas ↛ dallasofnines on discord, feel free to dm for plots.
  

​

 

[LUPINESONG]

❀‿ It might have been easier if Falcongaze didn't look so sad while he spoke. She could only stare as he muscled through his speech, wondering if she looked so pitiable to him already for him to look at her like he would a crushed butterfly, and it was only halfway through that she tried to interject.

"The way you looked at Cherryblossom when she and Edenberry got together-"

"W-wait, what-?" Her voice came out more wobbly than she was expecting. What was he talking about?! Did he seriously think their problems were Cherryblossom's fault? Her stomach turned and she shook her head, "We're friends, I can't just-...!" Just what? She thought of Cherryblossom holding her while they cried less than a moon ago, of how easy it was to collapse against her and admit her deepest fears. Was she supposed to relent that vulnerability to him? Was she supposed to want to? How could he ask that of her when she felt like he barely even tolerated having her around these days—when she felt little more than a burden clinging to his pelt?

Tears welled up and began to spill before he asserted wanting her to be happier for the second time, and she was oh-so mad that he had to watch them fall from her face as she sputtered, "S-sorry I'm not happy enough..." An unfair read of his words, but paired with the pitying look in his eyes, she relented to the frustration bubbling in her chest. This wasn't about her happiness, though, she knew this. And frustration was replaced swiftly with something more frightening, something that scrambled to find footing in her stomach and sent panic flooding into her veins.

Falcongaze was leaving her.

"But I do, I do love you!" Lupinesong said, pitchy and keening, "I do, and I'm sorry I'm so bad at it but I'm trying and,like, I can try harder if you need me to, and-and I can make you happy..." The tears did not stop, flooding again as she thought about facing another thing she ruined from the inside out. What kind of rot clung to her that led to everything falling apart, time and time again?

She brought her gaze down to stare at the blurred picture of her paws on pine needles, feeling her upset tumble into despair, unable to help herself and whispering "...Don't do this to me.."

LOVE ME MORE, ⊹₊°❀‿ LOVE ENOUGH TO DROWN ME OUT.

• OOC: ic opinions btw,, ough.
• 
• 
  — lupinekit . lupinepaw . lupinesong
  — trans she/her. 15mo warrior of skyclan. formerly mentored by dandelionwish, single
  — bobbie x duke. littermate to crowsight & drowsynose. older half-sister of hollykit, lionkit, and candorkit
  — a tall, pretty, long-haired black smoke with low white and green eyes
  — smells like sweet lupine flowers and young pine needles
  — "speech", thoughts, attack
  — fullbody by pikaihao and funnyguy by pin
  — penned by eezy

​

 

[falcongaze]

-ˋˏ ༻❁༺ ˎˊ- She was taken aback- that he could understand. Sorrowful eyes shifted to stare at her, ears still lowered. Her voice was wobbly, something that made him ache all over to hold her and tell her it was okay. But.. that wasn't his job, was it? Cherryblossom's scent, thick in his own nest. The thought of that was bitter, making him want to gnaw the moss to shreds.

He hadn't slept well after knowing that the deputy had been in his nest, next to Lupinesong. He couldn't have. A sharp breath inhaled as she began to cry, and he held his tongue, watching on with lowered ears and sagged shoulders. "That's not what I said." His voice cut in when she tried to turn it against him. "I want to see you happier. I can't give that to you." Not for free.

Her next admission caused him to grit his teeth. Falcongaze inhaled sharply, vision turning away for a brief moment as his thoughts were collected. Like cards in a deck, shuffled until he drew the one he wanted. Vision turned back towards her, solid in his stance. He had almost given in, if nothing else to make her happy again, to see her put together- but nothing would be the same if he did. It wouldn't go back to when they were apprentices, fresh out of the medicine den.

Falcongaze wonders briefly to himself if the only reason he had latched onto her was because she had been a comfort while he was dying. That thought was put on mute as he spoke. "Lupinesong... You shoudn't have to try." He said, the smile that found his lips sad, the glimmer in his eyes tell-tale upon tears of his own. "You shouldn't have to try to love me. It should be what spills from your soul in an earnest way."

The lynx point inhaled sharply, vision turning down to his paws, the ones that had been pressing into the pine-covered soil. "You can hate me, if it makes it easier. You don't have to force yourself to feel anything but what you know you actually do." He spoke again, vision lifting to her. Heartbeats later did he stand, awkwardly held between wanting to hold her one more time and escaping into the pits of the forest. "You should confide in your friends." Falcongaze murmured quietly.

He wanted to know that she would be taken care of. He would watch from the shadows to ensure that someone, even if it was the very cat that bullied him through their apprenticeship, held her and took care of her. She was too sweet to be left to mourn alone. ".. I can walk you back to camp, if you want." He ignored the tears that still beaded at the corners of his eyes, trying to find that neutral bored expression. A mask, he must wear. He had to be the strong one yet.

Any neutrality on his face failed to take, replaced still by a bittersweet and sorrowful expression. He cursed himself inwardly.

‎‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎┌── ILL SEE YOU WHEN ⋅❁⋅ THE WRATH COMES AROUND ──┐‎

• "speech"
  

• 

• FALCONPAW 🌧 he/him, apprentice of skyclan, thirteen moons.
  ⭃ LH chocolate lynx point with deep blue eyes, and a long scar on his left cheek down under his jawline. pushes his 'hair' back. very long legged, half oriental moggie.
  ⭃ mentored by greeneyes / / mentoring no one
  ⭃ padding after lupinepaw / / brother to spottedpaw and sagepaw
  ⭃ peaceful and healing powerplay permitted / / underline and tag when attacking
  ⭃ penned by dallas ↛ dallasofnines on discord, feel free to dm for plots.
  

​

 

[LUPINESONG]

❀‿ His walls remain unbroken, despite the quivering in her chest and the lingering ache of emptiness remaining where she carved herself in her efforts to break through to him. And perhaps he’s right and perhaps she’s always known that it wasn’t working despite all of her trying, but to accept this was to face something much more terrifying.

There was nothing she could do about it.

Whatever it was that compelled him to desert her was something innate, unimprovable, unfixable. Lupinesong had her chance at love, and it crumbled brittle and dry beneath her paws like an old leaf. She was beginning to understand it now, she thought. It just wasn’t meant for her.

Falcongaze tells her that she is free to hate him if it makes her feel any better, and her pelt prickles at the thought of it. "Don’t say that, Falcongaze…" she sniffs, getting her hiccuping under control enough to respond without becoming an incoherent puddle before him, "I don’t… hate you. And I’m not so awful… as to hate you for my own… convenience." There was nothing to hate Falcongaze for, all of this was entirely her fault.

Did they really not know each other anymore? Did they ever really get close enough to say they ever did know each other, once? It brought her nothing but sadness to hate someone, especially when she really did care about him. Why did this keep happening? She wanted to cry all over again.

He offers to walk her back to camp and she shakes her head, the thought of having to face the entirety of the clan again right now, to see the confusion, the pity in their eyes… "No. That’s fine. Just leave me be, please." Lupinesong turned away, wanting to exit the conversation and return to camp on her own terms.

//out!

LOVE ME MORE, ⊹₊°❀‿ LOVE ENOUGH TO DROWN ME OUT.

• OOC:
• 
• 
  — lupinekit . lupinepaw . lupinesong
  — trans she/her. 16mo warrior of skyclan. formerly mentored by dandelionwish, mentoring stormpaw, single
  — bobbie x duke. littermate to crowsight & drowsynose. older half-sister of hollykit, lionkit, and candorkit
  — a tall, pretty, long-haired black smoke with low white and green eyes
  — smells like sweet lupine flowers and young pine needles
  — "speech", thoughts, attack
  — fullbody by pikaihao and funnyguy by pin
  — penned by eezy

​