private I am real and you are not ♡ Howlingstar

[WRATHPAW.]

*+:｡.｡ He was hungry.
Ever since - withered, dying, embers, empty - he hadn't been able to eat properly. All he tasted when he tried was - metallic, far too warm, sticky, it won't come off and all he saw was cold cold cold empty eyes. More than that, though, even if he did manage to close his eyes and hold his breath, strangling down each bite, he found he was still left starving. No amount of prey in the world would ease his suffering and yet, the boy still salivated when he picked up the pigeon from the prey pile. It had been carefully checked over and came out free of poisonings, so safe to give away. Wildheart, bless him, had ordered Wrathpaw to be one of the last to eat - as if that was anything new...as if he even could eat - but the boy didn't fight the command. Instead, he helped pass along prey throughout the clan, ensuring the rest of his shell-shocked clanmates were fed. It'll be easier now, without all the kitty-pets he thinks, but his internal voice sounds more like Skyclaw than himself. He's too tired to speak in truth anymore.

Heavy paws carry him to the leader's den. It was a rare sight to see Howlingstar eat until the rest of her clan was full, but with the sun easing its old joints beneath the tree canopy, he doubts she'll protest any longer. Although he wonders, how does she do it? How does she command such a powerful presence with an empty stomach? Was seeing her clanmates fed what gave her strength? How? Where did that power of hers come from, especially when some of her clanmates weren't even truly her clanmates? There was so much he just...didn't understand.

"Here, Howlingstar, you're my last stop" Wrathpaw says, doing his best to smile, but he can't quite muster it. He's certain he's acting normal - about as normal as a boy who can't meet his leader's eyes can be - so there's nothing to suspect. And yet, he's certain she can see right through him. She knows. She knows she knows she knows she knows -

Before he can scurry away, his stomach growls heartily as he pulls away from the pigeon.

*+:｡.｡ Updated 7/9/24

• 
  
  
• 
  
  
  GENERAL:
  ♡ Wrathpaw
  ♡ DMAB— He/Him
  ♡ 10 moons — Ages 1 moon every month real-time
  ♡ Brother to Lovelight, Joywing, Laughblossom || Pridepaw, Merrypaw
  ♡ Thunderclan — apprentice
  ♡ Mentored by Wildheart
  
  
  
  
  COMBAT:
  ♡Physically mediocre | mentally very easy
  ♡ Attack in bold #4a59ff
  injuries: None currently , mentally unwell
  "SPEECH"
  

​

 

[HOWLINGSTAR]

Howlingstar's eyes, intense after a long and stressful day, flicker over the apprentice's gangly frame. She accepts the pigeon with a smile and nod, and murmured, "Thank you, Wrathpaw," escaping gentle lips. She hasn't managed to eat at all today yet, and so the reminder to fill her belly is welcome. She settles down for a moment of relaxation, but her eyes do not leave Wrathpaw's face. It's like there's a storm brewing within the boy's mind. "What's weighing you down?" The senior she-cat asks steady with a soft tilt of her head. And then she hears the grumble.

Eyes softening, she leans down to take a measured bite before pushing the pigeon towards him. She nods at him to sit down. "Stay with me for a moment. Share a meal. Why don't you tell me about your day?" He seems like he needs someone to talk to right now. She often likes to be that cat for her clanmates, so she's happy to chatter away with him tonight.​

 

[WRATHPAW.]

*+:｡.｡ //IM SORRY THIS IS SO LATE AUGH I dunno how dead cat rules work so I wrote this fully intending on Howling not being able to reply <3 This is basically a one-shot at this point so you don't have to bother with this bEAST but thank you for indulging me one final interaction with Howl-ma <3333


I held Pebblestep down.
I - I helped Sootfur and Sleekserpent as they...I may not have drawn his blood, but I helped. It's still on my paws. I could've stopped them - I could've walked away, I could've warned him, or you, or - shit - even Stormywing at any point and I - why didn't I?. Howlingstar, please, please how can I fix it?
How do I fix any of this?!

The words flutter like a swallowtail's final, weak stuttering of life upon his tongue, the urge to spit it out and lay its corpse upon Howlingstar's paws halted only by the tight clench of teeth barring the corpse's last chance at flight. Instead, he stares wordlessly at Howlingstar, struck dumb by her well-meaning question

Of course, like any boy with a heavy secret, he wonders how it might be received if he did relinquish his white-knuckled hold. Would those clear green eyes still glow with the same grandmotherly warmth after she knows the truth? He feels the way she studying him, picking apart every raised hair and bead of sweat, reaching far too close to the cavernous drop that yawns behind glassy blue eyes. Skyclaw had told them all to sabotage her in every way they could - steal her prey, trip her up, fill her mind with lies, would it not aid in Skyclaw's mission if he dropped all of his leaden burden upon her? Shock her so bad she loses a life?
The thought leaves him ill, so he quickly glances down at his paws.

When she changes the subject and invites him to stay, Wrathpaw looks back up. He can't help it - his eyes glisten with unshed tears. Wrathpaw has done so much wrong lately - not just Pebblestep, but bullying Roaringpaw, mistreating Wildheart, pulling away from his clanmates...and yet, she presents a spot by her side as though he's still somehow worthy. Maybe she is growing senile he thinks, the corners of his mouth twitching upwards, a desperate excitement to confirm Skyclaw's rhetoric threatened to allow a laugh to escape him. Luckily, his teeth remained sealed, kept at bay by the impossibility that the woman before him could ever be considered weak. Looking at her now, it's all too difficult to disprove.
He doesn't know...he doesn't know. Ever since...Pebblestep...the truth and all that comes after has suddenly become so blurry.

Before he knows it, Wrathpaw is settling down beside the grandmotherly woman. It feels weird being here, so close to the woman who felt miles beneath him, and before that infinitely above him. He doesn't know where she stands now, so he looks instead ahead at the clearing before them.

Thunderclan life bustling onwards even with tragedy looming over them all. He can pick out a few cats with eyes still misty and tails hanging far too low...and yet, patrols are sent out, cats still brush against one another in comforting gestures, and the occasional blossom of laughter peals out from a community he loves so, so dearly...

From his paws, he lifts his gaze - nervous, then defiant, lonesome, then hopeful...before resting on tired - to meet Howlingstar's.
"My day...my day was good, all things considered" For a moment, just one, he pretends like he's not hungry. Like he's in the presence of a friend and not a superior he's tasked with defying - a leader he's uncertain about following...Just a woman, and a boy, and one peaceful moment far removed from all that has happened before and will come to pass in consequence within the near future.

"Busy, of course. I spent some time with Antlerbreeze though, she's strong-hearted, I'm sure you know that. Oh and a while before that, I had a fun talk with Bayingkit. Did you know she's incredibly smart for her age? I brought her a crow's skull and she learned the word 'beak' so quickly! I spent some time with my siblings on patrol too. Lovelight has been worried about me, she always worries about everyone else first before himself - you picked a good suffix for him. I went on a hunting patrol with Deerpaw, too, I don't think he likes me very much but he's pretty patient if you get past all his snapping! I'm not sure how I'm going to break through his cracks...but it's okay, I've been making a good friend out of Glowingpaw she...um...she's really sweet - It's kinda embarrassing but I think I might...y'know...like like her...if that's what the butterflies in my belly mean" he says with a laugh, each interaction and his opinion on his clanmates escaping him like a river flowing free from a broken dam. It's nice, talking like he's any other apprentice, somehow knowing throughout his babbling that he has his leader's ear the entire time. How it could be that she's so patient and kind is beyond him.
He talks for a moment longer, walking through the patrols he joined, the training he had, the new lessons he's learned...until finally, there's nothing left to share.
By this time, the sun has begun set just a little bit lower, bathing the world in an amber glow - the color of withered flowers and broken wings, fading light like a last breath caught in dispersing mist, old moss yellowed at the corners with age kicked about in a flurry of desperate legs, teeth snapped shut, blood staining a pearly smile into a topaz snarl ...Wrathpaw finally sighs.

"I...I thought I'd been doing everything right. Training, listening to my elders, maintaining chores, and keeping up with my lessons I...I thought that's all it took to be a good Thunderclanner..." his lips quiver in companion to a trembling voice, his eyes trained hard on his paws digging loosely into the dirt before him. Light glints upon the sharp edges of exposed claws and, quickly, as if afraid Howlingstar will see, he pulls them back in, tucking his hands into the fluff of his chest.

"I don't think I know much of anything, really...clanmates killing clanmates, who's left to put your trust in?" He wishes he knew the answer. Even while asking Howlingstar, he isn't sure her judgment is any more worthy of his faith than Skyclaw's. Yet, she isn't the one who ordered him to kill...but she will be the one to order him gone.

"Does this...the camp, the cats in it, all the tragedy lately and before now" he sweeps his arm forth, emphasizing the entire camp and all the history that lies in every paw print and buried painting of blood and death below, "Does this place still feel like home to you?" After all Howlingstar has been through, how does she still smile? How does she still have faith that they'll find a way out? Does her experience give her insight into escaping slavering jaws and blood-thirsty claws, sickness and war, famine and death- can her eyes somehow see past it all, even with so much blocking her path? How long before Wrathpaw sees the way out, too?

"Is there still hope?" For all of us? For the good guys...for the lost?

*+:｡.｡ Updated 7/9/24

• 
  
  
• 
  
  
  GENERAL:
  ♡ Wrathpaw
  ♡ DMAB— He/Him
  ♡ 10 moons — Ages 1 moon every month real-time
  ♡ Brother to Lovelight, Joywing, Laughblossom || Pridepaw, Merrypaw
  ♡ Thunderclan — apprentice
  ♡ Mentored by Wildheart
  
  
  
  
  COMBAT:
  ♡Physically mediocre | mentally very easy
  ♡ Attack in bold #4a59ff
  injuries: None currently , mentally unwell
  "SPEECH"
  

​