I BEGAN TO PRAY [ lupinepaw ]

[falcongaze]

-ˋˏ ༻❁༺ ˎˊ- // following this thread

He couldn't begin to list the amount of things he was feeling. The pain in his throat, something he hadn't seen Dawnglare about yet, something he would see Fireflypaw about later. He hadn't bothered to stop to talk to Greeneyes on the way back from training, hadn't turned his head to listen to his apologies if they had came. Greeneyes would forgive him for being upset- he couldn't imagine his mentor holding a grudge now, this far into their mentor-apprentice dance.

But there was one thing Falconpaw had to ask her. Her, the black-pelted relationship in his life, full of warmth and like. It was never love, like Cherrypaw and Edenpaw. The eyes of the smug apprentice flashed in his mind, and Falconpaw took a long moment to exhale sharply, standing alone in the pines. Falconpaw hadn't had a tantrum like this since before Vermillionsun put him on the border, he hadn't broke his demeanor under the threats in a long time, had always turned his cheek to the names and rude picks at himself.

He was nearly a warrior, for Starclan's sake, and laughable at that. He couldn't best Cherrypaw in battle, and they all knew it now. Couldn't best Cherrypaw in a relationship either, since his anger was driving him today. His head turned, stepping into camp. Cats milled about, none-the-wiser about the spar that had just happened. Eyes searched for a familiar black pelt- not Drowsypaw, no, though the thought of the younger made him soften for just a second, but for Lupinepaw. If she was to meet his eyes, he'd gently jerk his head towards the entrance of camp, slipping back outside.

If she followed him, he'd be standing a ear-shot distance away from the entrance of camp, staring out into the pine forest. His ear twitched, turning to look towards her. "Lupinepaw." He stated softly. Even with the anger at himself bubbling inside, he couldn't bring himself to be angry at her. Not yet, anyways.

‎‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎┌── ILL SEE YOU WHEN ⋅❁⋅ THE WRATH COMES AROUND ──┐‎

• "speech"
  

• 

• FALCONPAW 🌧 he/him, apprentice of skyclan, eleven moons.
  ⭃ LH chocolate lynx point with deep blue eyes, and a long scar on his left cheek down under his jawline. pushes his 'hair' back. very long legged, half oriental moggie.
  ⭃ mentored by greeneyes / / mentoring no one
  ⭃ padding after lupinepaw / / brother to spottedpaw and sagepaw
  ⭃ peaceful and healing powerplay permitted / / underline and tag when attacking
  ⭃ penned by dallas ↛ dallasofnines on discord, feel free to dm for plots.
  

​

 

[LUPINESONG]

❀‿ Lupinepaw follows him dutifully, without protest though apprehension begins to pool in her blood as they make their way to a more private place. It is not often, if ever, that an outing with Falconpaw would have such a somber air surrounding it, and Lupinepaw is quiet as she quickly flips through all the possible reasons he could be upset with her.

He turns to her with an unreadable look in his eyes and says her name as if he's testing the tone of his own voice, it was soft yet... restrained. It's almost instinctual, the way she reaches forward with a paw to brush off a bit of sand from his cheek-fluff, seeking to touch him is as much an effort at self-soothing as it is an attempt to ground him. The sand in his mussed-up fur is enough evidence for her to conclude that he had just come from the training hollow, but she still had no idea what sort of training would leave him so... tense.

"Mmm? What's wrong? Did something happen...?"

CHANGE, LIKE THE SKY, ⊹₊°❀‿ LIKE THE LEAVES, LIKE A BUTTERFLY.

• OOC:
• 
• 
  — lupinekit . lupinepaw
  — trans she/her. 11mo apprentice of skyclan. mentored by dandelionwish, padding after falconpaw
  — bobbie x duke. littermate to crowpaw & drowsypaw. older half-sister of hollykit, lionkit, and candorkit
  — a tall, pretty, long-haired black smoke with low white and green eyes
  — smells like sweet lupine flowers and young pine needles
  — "speech", thoughts, attack
  — fullbody by pikaihao and funnyguy by pin
  — penned by eezy

​

 

[falcongaze]

-ˋˏ ༻❁༺ ˎˊ- Lupinepaw's response was soft- ever so soft, almost always. Falconpaw had rarely seen her otherwise. Her mother's injuries, Drowsypaw's injuries, defending Cherrypaw- those are times she had been more rigid or more lost, but she was here now, right? Falconpaw turned a fraction into her touch, allowing her to brush the sand off from himself. He did not lean into it like he normally did, his eyes dropping to her paws.

"Cherrypaw won a spar." He spoke. It was now, with the fading adrenaline that it was obvious speaking pained him. His throat hurt, thought not unhealable- it was definitely rough. "She had her jaws around my throat. Slate complimented her for that- that's not the point." His final sentence was rough, head turning away. He bit down on his tongue, trying to steer his emotions. He could, and would, vent his emotions out if Lupinepaw let him- but that wasn't what this was about.

Blue eyes snapped up, full of storms as he spoke. His words came out like ice-needles, sharp but afraid. "Lupinepaw- do you love me?" He said. His fur was still messed, the clouds overhead slowly darkening with rain and the encroaching sunset. "Cherrypaw- she... she called Edenpaw love, and I... I don't think you've ever said that to me." His voice trembled, soft but full of pin-pricks that crawled over his sides and through his heart. If she hesitated, he'd prompt again, voice slowly filling with more resolve. "Do you?"

‎‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎┌── ILL SEE YOU WHEN ⋅❁⋅ THE WRATH COMES AROUND ──┐‎

• "speech"
  

• 

• FALCONPAW 🌧 he/him, apprentice of skyclan, eleven moons.
  ⭃ LH chocolate lynx point with deep blue eyes, and a long scar on his left cheek down under his jawline. pushes his 'hair' back. very long legged, half oriental moggie.
  ⭃ mentored by greeneyes / / mentoring no one
  ⭃ padding after lupinepaw / / brother to spottedpaw and sagepaw
  ⭃ peaceful and healing powerplay permitted / / underline and tag when attacking
  ⭃ penned by dallas ↛ dallasofnines on discord, feel free to dm for plots.
  

​

 

[LUPINESONG]

❀‿ He does not lean into her like she expects him to, like he usually does, and a soft frown tugs at her mouth as he looks toward the ground. She listens patiently to his clipped-sounding explanation, sage eyes narrowing ever-so-slightly at the mention of Cherrypaw. The two were never fond of each other, much to her chagrin. It was an unfortunate perpetual little predicament she was it, sitting squarely between the two of them. Of course, she wanted everyone important in her life to get along with each other, but so long as that seemed like an impossibility, she was fine with simply trying her best to avoid mentioning the other when one of them was in her company.

"Okayy..." Lupinepaw says as he explains that he lost a spar against her. She curls her tail around her ankles slowly, deliberately, as to avoid it flicking with her sudden onset of annoyance. Is this what he dragged her out to talk about? One lost spar? If she got all frustrated and mopey every time she lost a spar she would be a wreck just about every day. "Well, you're both fine fighters, someone had to lose..." she mews softly. She didn't understand why he was all torn up about it, but she would do her due diligence in comforting him like she thought he wanted, "I'm sure you did well."

She blinks, confused when he looks up at her again with an icicle sharpness. "Wha-..." Her question dies in her throat when he asks her the question. Suddenly, her thoughts are racing and coming up completely blank at the same time. Panic fills her chest like the rain-bloating clouds overhead, and she feels caught somehow, like a bird pinned to a branch. Why is he asking this now? Did he not feel loved enough by her?

And then he brings up Cherrypaw (this time along with Edenpaw) again and that spark of annoyance from earlier spikes into something akin to genuine anger. What did their relationship have to do with his and hers? "Well, I don't understand why you're comparing us to them," she says, somewhat snappily. His voice was trembling and perhaps if she wasn't feeling like she wanted to run away so badly she would better recognize the vulnerability being laid bare to her. Instead, all she could hear was accusation.

"... I don't like the way you're asking me that." She says softly, perhaps strangely diplomatic, though hurt colored the blank spaces in her hesitation. She didn't like it. It was like he was telling her she was being in a relationship wrong. She didn't like the way he was looking at her. What was she doing that was so awfully wrong..?

CHANGE, LIKE THE SKY, ⊹₊°❀‿ LIKE THE LEAVES, LIKE A BUTTERFLY.

• OOC:
• 
• 
  — lupinekit . lupinepaw
  — trans she/her. 11mo apprentice of skyclan. mentored by dandelionwish, padding after falconpaw
  — bobbie x duke. littermate to crowpaw & drowsypaw. older half-sister of hollykit, lionkit, and candorkit
  — a tall, pretty, long-haired black smoke with low white and green eyes
  — smells like sweet lupine flowers and young pine needles
  — "speech", thoughts, attack
  — fullbody by pikaihao and funnyguy by pin
  — penned by eezy

​

 

[falcongaze]

-ˋˏ ༻❁༺ ˎˊ- Someone had to lose.

That's not the point! Why did it have to be me? Be her as the winner? She's always won.

His thoughts varied between self-attacking and sharp towards the victor just a few minutes ago. And his genuine question- one born out of stunning realization and fear, was pushed back with just as sharp as an accusation. His head pulled back, ears flattening. He ignored the urge to grimace, snarl, to fight- to run. His heart was thundering in his ears, mirrored by the clap of a spring thunderstorm overhead. He didn't look up.

Every bit of his focus was put against her, shoulders squaring. Why was his breath racing? Was it because it wasn't an instant- it was. It was because it wasn't an instant yes, so he did become accusatory, anger fueling and protecting his damaged heart. "This isn't a matter of comparing us to them." He said, tail gesturing to their 'conversation'. Already his heart was sinking like a searing coal into his stomach, making it churn and the need for flight or fight only kick up more.

Blue eyes narrowed, vision sweeping away from her. "If you do love me, why don't you just say it? What's so wrong about me asking that?" Careful consideration of a nearby tree ensued, before his vision shifted back towards her. Rain threatened them both, would sully their pelts with still cold water. He didn't care, ears shoving forward. His voice suddenly broke and cracked as his shoulders sagged, the next statement that left his voice raw.

"If you can't say it, it means you don't. And, if you don't love me, why do I love you, then?" And, as if struck, his head turned away again, unable to bear waiting for her answer. His nervous tics were back in full-measure- suddenly, he was that kit, bare and afraid in a camp with no parent to guide them, protecting his sibling fiercely from harm. It wasn't the end of the wolf, but it sure fucking sucked, if Lupinepaw didn't love him, right?

Falconpaw had starting accusing her. It was full of sharp grief, pain of realizing that what he had been giving wasn't reciprocated. All she had to do was say it, right? To believe it? He couldn't bear to look at her.

‎‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎┌── ILL SEE YOU WHEN ⋅❁⋅ THE WRATH COMES AROUND ──┐‎

• "speech"
  

• 

• FALCONPAW 🌧 he/him, apprentice of skyclan, eleven moons.
  ⭃ LH chocolate lynx point with deep blue eyes, and a long scar on his left cheek down under his jawline. pushes his 'hair' back. very long legged, half oriental moggie.
  ⭃ mentored by greeneyes / / mentoring no one
  ⭃ padding after lupinepaw / / brother to spottedpaw and sagepaw
  ⭃ peaceful and healing powerplay permitted / / underline and tag when attacking
  ⭃ penned by dallas ↛ dallasofnines on discord, feel free to dm for plots.
  

​

 

[LUPINESONG]

❀‿ She stares at him, upset swirling in her stomach as he appeared to wince backward. Her attention —and the encroaching frustrated tears with it— is disrupted by the sudden crack of thunder reverberating through the sky. Her thoughts are lifted away briefly from the spiraling bitterness of their current conversation to the training hollow across the stretch of pines ahead of them. 'I hope Cherrypaw's okay...' she thought. Her best friend was scared of thunderstorms, and Lupinepaw hoped Slate had enough sense to lead them back to camp as the storm rolled in to darken the sunset-painted sky.

She is promptly brought back to earth when Falconpaw snaps again, and she retorts in turn, "You're the one who brought them up in the first place! Why should it matter what they say after what, a few days of padding after each other? W-what if I wanted it to be special?" Obviously Cherrypaw and Edenpaw had struck some sort of nerve in him, for it to have led him to drag Lupinepaw out of camp to interrogate her.

Perhaps the brief distraction had shaken some sense into her, as she furrowed her forehead to really look at him. Falconpaw's pain becomes clearer to her, and she's rushed with a wave of guilt to tumble together with the cacophony of emotion roaring in her ears. "I-I'm not saying it's wrong for you to ask it's-" She cuts herself off again, suddenly filled with a sick sense of deja vu. Suddenly it isn't Falconpaw standing before her, but Crowpaw, and she's five moons younger and there's a lingering tightness in her lungs from the yellowcough she was getting over. And she was crying because she was convinced everyone was going to die and he was berating her for not caring enough, and how obvious it was to him the whole time that she was being awful in one way or another but she could never understand what she did wrong. And then he's yelling and he's yelling and suddenly he isn't her brother anymore, or something. Because she ruined it.

And now Falconpaw is telling her that she doesn't love him, and asks her 'why he loves her, then?!' and perhaps she should have been happy to hear those words coming out of his mouth, and she thinks maybe if it was any other time she would feel something—anything—beside blood-curdling dread. And now she knows she's been silent for too long, and she knows she's making it worse with every passing second, but she can't keep herself from continuing to ruin it further.

"I don't know why, Falconpaw. " She says finally, forcing herself to keep her voice even, as opposed to his broken verses, "And-and my feelings for you have not changed, even if you think they have."

She tries to meet his gaze, trying to ensure that he knew she was serious, "And I'm sorry, but I'm not going to tell you anything if you're going to yell at me the whole time. It's mean." Lupinepaw was digging her heels in, and she didn't care. It was one thing to be assured that she was the worst girlfriend in the entire world, but it was another for him to try and bully out a stupid sentence from her. She wasn't going to be pushed around, even if he cried and made her feel bad.

"I'm done having this conversation." She breaks her gaze, eyes welling up again with pesky waterworks of frustration, and turns away from him. It begins to rain, cold, drenching drops beginning to plop onto her head, great.

She begins to trudge back to camp knowing that she was the shittiest girlfriend in the world.

CHANGE, LIKE THE SKY, ⊹₊°❀‿ LIKE THE LEAVES, LIKE A BUTTERFLY.

• OOC:
• 
• 
  — lupinekit . lupinepaw
  — trans she/her. 11mo apprentice of skyclan. mentored by dandelionwish, padding after falconpaw
  — bobbie x duke. littermate to crowpaw & drowsypaw. older half-sister of hollykit, lionkit, and candorkit
  — a tall, pretty, long-haired black smoke with low white and green eyes
  — smells like sweet lupine flowers and young pine needles
  — "speech", thoughts, attack
  — fullbody by pikaihao and funnyguy by pin
  — penned by eezy

​

 

[falcongaze]

-ˋˏ ༻❁༺ ˎˊ- Had Falconpaw known that Lupinepaw, even in this moment, was thinking of the very cat that had semi-lended to the start of this argument, to all of Falconpaw's doubts? He would have left right then and there, even as rain began to fall and soak their fur, his ears flattened against his head. He doesn't look at her- he cant look at her, the doubt thick in his throat, the grief- guilt, strangely, in the face of it all. In Lupinepaw's face. "A few days?"

His response is raw. "Lupinepaw, it's been a couple of moons. Forgive me for getting antsy and not understanding if you wanted it be special." His voice quieted, vision lifting to the crumbling of the sky as it decided now would be a good time to be outright harsh to the beings in the forest. Her words are stuttered, just as much doubt as his own. Falconpaw's gaze finally shift back towards her. Her words are strangely even.

Is she unaffected? Does this not bother her? He inhaled sharply. His ears flattened against his head, and while she walked away, a sentence or two slipped out of his mouth. The buzzing in his head was roaring, unquieting. "Just what are your feelings, Lupinepaw? Why couldn't you tell me?" But the sentence wasn't shouted, barely whispered to her disappearing back. Pain was thick in his voice as it quieted, disappeared entirely in the face of the storm. Head tilted up towards the tears of the sky. Parts of him wanted to scream, shout, yell, demand answers like he hadn't just been doing that, but other parts wished...

Well, he wished to return to the border of the only consistent thing he had known. Three months of warmth at his father's side, fed, happy. Skyclan had felt wrong from moment to start- and it was in this moment that Falconpaw blissfully forgot about his mentor, about Blazestar, about any reassuring figure in the walls of the clan. He forgot about Drowsypaw.

When Falconpaw finally began to move, he didn't return to camp for hours, leaving his nest cold until it was long past dark.

‎‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎┌── ILL SEE YOU WHEN ⋅❁⋅ THE WRATH COMES AROUND ──┐‎

• "speech"
  

• 

• FALCONPAW 🌧 he/him, apprentice of skyclan, eleven moons.
  ⭃ LH chocolate lynx point with deep blue eyes, and a long scar on his left cheek down under his jawline. pushes his 'hair' back. very long legged, half oriental moggie.
  ⭃ mentored by greeneyes / / mentoring no one
  ⭃ padding after lupinepaw / / brother to spottedpaw and sagepaw
  ⭃ peaceful and healing powerplay permitted / / underline and tag when attacking
  ⭃ penned by dallas ↛ dallasofnines on discord, feel free to dm for plots.
  

​