I CAN'T GO HOME | covecatcher

[Cloudyfur]

Cloudypaw was a coward.

She had always worried she might be one, but now she knew it for certain. While all her clanmates shared their memories of Emberstar and rallied themselves to fight against the dogs that had slain their leader, she was terrified. The thought of the dogs crashing through the brambles to get her replayed over and over in her mind. She hadn't been able to sleep for fear of it. All night she had sat wide awake, sick with worry. If they got her, she wouldn't be able to stop them. She couldn't fight. She was no warrior, she felt wrong even calling herself an apprentice.

What had she done to deserve the title? The only reason she was even here was because of her uncle. If it wasn't for him, maybe they wouldn't have let her in at all. They would have been right not to.

It was all too much for her. Cloudypaw couldn't sit in camp and wait for the next tragedy to strike anymore. She didn't belong here, she never had. Her hopes of a place for her to finally belong had been misplaced. She wanted to go back to her mother, and beg her to let her stay if she had to. Tell her that even if all her other children had managed to find a place in Thunderclan like she wanted, Cloudy never could.

So that's what she would do. Howling Wind had commanded that no one would leave camp, for fear of the dogs, but last she had heard they had been near snakerocks. She knew where those were. Kinda. She would be heading toward twolegplace, in the opposite direction. However dangerous it might be, it was safer than staying here.

First, though, she had to make it out of camp. Her heart was practically beating out of her chest with every step. More than usual, she felt oafish and clumsy as she tried to stay quiet and low to the ground. An eternity seemed to pass between the mouth of the apprentice den and the walls of the camp. Once she made it there, she stuck to the edges as she crept toward the entrance. She was so close. Once she made it there, she could just dart out. Then she wouldn't stop until she saw twolegplace again.​

 

[covecatcher]

Cove gets it, truly, the fear that embeds itself so deeply within one that all it leaves you to want to do is run. Though, at the same time, she doesn't get it because Thunderclan had been her home, her sanctuary for forever. But tonight she cannot sleep because of thoughts running rampant, anxiety for her friends, fear for the unknown. When does it stop, does it truly never? First Morningpaw, then Emberstar, next Flamewhiskers kits and shes not quite sure if she can handle any more loss at this rate.

What more does she have to give, what more can be taken?

Heavy sigh tumbles from near pursed lips as she rises from her spot she had been laying in previously. Too much thoughts and not enough doing, thats for sure. But what could be done? What can I do? She doesn't have an answer for those thoughts. If she hadn't turned her head at the perfect time she would not have seen a flash of gray, piquing her interest near immediately. Who was that? Small frame, concealed in the shadows to the point where she has to squint.

"Cloudpaw- Cloudypaw! What are you doing still up, sweet-pea?" brows furrow and ultimately her curiosity outweighs the embarrassment she would have felt from getting the others name wrong. Cove pats the patch of dirt next to her, inviting the other to come out from their confines and sit next to her. The dogs weighed heavy on everyones mind but she was sure it scared the apprentices the most. Poor kids...
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[Cloudyfur]

A little squeak of alarm left Cloudypaw as a voice called out to her. She whipped around to face the molly addressing her eyes wide. As their gazes met she froze like a deer in the headlights.

Fear, shame, guilt; all her emotions were laid bare across her features as she stared at Covecatcher. There was also, however, a twinge of relief. Leaving the camp against Howling Wind's orders was scary, and this was an excuse to abandon her plan. Only a single setback, and already her determination was faltering. It was humiliating. As a small act of resistance against herself, she shied back from Covecatcher's invitation to sit next to her, however badly she wanted to accept it.

"I- I'm leaving." Cloudypaw declared, but she couldn't meet Covecatcher's gaze as she said it. Now that she was had to say it aloud, the statement sounded so childish in her own ears. She hurried to justify her decision. Moreso to remind herself why she had made it than to convince the other molly. "I don't belong here, I'm not like all of you. I'm no good at any of this, I never have been, and now with the dogs-" she winced at the word.

It was a terror like nothing she had ever experienced in her life, to think about the dogs. The losses of leafbare had been scary and sorrowful, but through all of it she had never feared for her life as truly and deeply as she did now.

"I'm going back to twolegplace, to my mom, and I'm gonna stay there forever."​

 

[covecatcher]

A frown graces her lips as Cloudys face twists in to an amalgamation of unpleasant emotions. Did she catch the other at the wrong time..? "Hey... Are you-" okay, she had wanted to finish before Cloudy blurted out something she had never expected to hear. "Oh, sweet-pea, no..." immediately the fear and anxiety starts up, she empathizes with Cloudy's sentiment all too well... No good at any of this, oh, her frown only grows wider. What should she say?

"I get it." her voice comes out so calm that it surprises her, ears flattening against her head. "I know it's scary, honey, but us warriors wouldn't let anything happen to you." and Cove remembers how scared she had been, unprepared to die, but seeing Cloudy's face lets slightly bitter content wash over her in waves. She'd throw it all away to keep the young ones away. "And I know everyone else would say the same thing. Now, cmere," the last attempt had been met with a brick wall, and if Cloudy came closer she'd be able to talk face to face. Regardless of what Cloudy does, Cove settles in to a neat loafing position, tucking her tail against her side.

"Don't say you're no good at this, either, sweetheart. Practice makes perfect, and... Even I get distracted on a hunt or in battle sometimes." a nervous laugh because Cove knows she gets distracted more than sometimes. Cove had seen twolegs from afar, never interacted with them like her brother had. "I'm not gonna stop you. In fact, i'll walk you to there so you're safe. But Cloudy, we would be so happy to have you here. Everyone loves you here, Fly especially." cousins, she thinks, or were they siblings...? Goes to show you how much she pays attention... "And never ever think you don't have potential, because I know you do. I know things are tough right now, but you're tougher and I know you can get through things." Cloudy has it in her, she knows it. "But I know you'll make a wonderful warrior if you stay, love. Give it one last shot, give it your all. In fact, if it makes you feel better, I can teach you some things right now." she blinks warmly at the young girl, hopeful, please stay because it's not safe out there. A warrior she'd be, a fantastic warrior Cove knows she would be.

And yet it breaks her heart to see Cloudy's face so sad, so she attempts to lick the top of the others head in a comforting manner. "After a rain comes a rainbow. Things will get better soon, I promise." and if it doesn't then Cove would make sure that Cloudy got the best treatment.​

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[Cloudyfur]

Cloudypaw expected to be told off, reprimanded for disobeying Howling Wind and risking her life for nothing. Anything but the calm, sympathetic tone that met her declaration instead. It melted away her defenses in an instant, as she just stared in surprise.

When Covecatcher told her to come over, she found she didn't have it in her to refuse. Reluctantly, she padded over to sit next to her.

It was weird, how nice Covecatcher was being to her, reassuring her in soothing tones. They barely even knew each other. All they shared was a clan. She even offered to escort her back to twolegplace, and risk her own life to the dogs in the process. The very idea of it made Cloudypaw guilty to her core. That wasn't something she would ever want to ask of anyone. This was so much kindness, too much for her to handle. She felt like she might burst.

Cloudypaw would be lying to say that it didn't make her feel better though. She wasn't sure she believed all of it, not yet, but just hearing someone else say it with such conviction stoked a warmth in her heart.

And yet still.

The thought that she might not belong here, not ever, was scary. Almost as scary as the dogs. Could she really commit herself to staying, knowing that she might be the same useless loner forever?

"Okay." She whispered back, soft as the molly next to her. "I'll stay."​