private I COULD DESCRIBE EACH MISTAKE FOR YOU && hyacinthbreath

[POLLENFUR]

╭── ⋅ ⋅ ── ✩ ── ⋅ ⋅ ──╮​

Her dreams are muddled, gray and fuzzy like a thick pelt. She stumbles through them on cobweb-tied paws, confusion glazing her vision. There's nothing there but an endless, yawning darkness, soil crumbling onto her head and body from above. She's in the tunnels. Her dreams are the tunnels. She's blind, tasting the air and finding only blood and chaos. There's a faint light at the mouth, foxlengths from where she trembles, but she knows it's unreachable. Unattainable.

She's stuck beneath the earth. She's stuck here, and the rumbling under her paws tells her this place will be her grave, as it had been her father's. She will die as he had, suffocated and crushed.

When she jerks away, it's because she's stopped breathing, imagining her lungs full of dirt and her ribs shattered. She stares bleakly into the gloom of their camp. Starlight is powerful here, without a canopy of trees, but she sees too many shabby pelts and unfamiliar rogues to be relieved or comforted.

StarClan is watching, but even they are helpless in the face of Sootstar.

Pollenfur shoves herself to her paws and exhales a shaky breath. It plumes ice-white in front of her face. I haven't had the tunnel dream in many moons, she thinks dully. The tunnel dream has haunted her since Rose had left them, but it only surfaces when she's feeling --

Trapped. Helpless.

Her eyes find the nursery, lined in silver, and she suppresses a shudder. Echolight is inside, warm and curled about a swelling belly. Her blood kin, born into a place of violence and war. She feels sick. She knows Brightshine and Mallowlark are happy for her, but she cannot lie. She isn't happy. She wishes more than anything that her niece would leave with her, go far away, raise her kits in peace, without glaring green eyes on their tiny bodies.

Emberfang. Ember. Are you still alive? Are you awake right now, afraid for your kin? She wishes her sister still resided close. She loves Brightshine, loves Mallowlark, but she cannot go to them now. She cannot dampen their joy, bring her own ceaseless worries into their lives. They must retain what little light is left in them.

Instead, she finds herself looking for a lilac-silver shape, curled by itself. Her nose parts the fur at Hyacinthbreath's shoulder. "Are you awake?" She murmurs. Pollenfur is careful to weave about the snoring rogues, the testy warriors. She only wants to talk to Hyacinthbreath in peace.

"I need... to talk to you about something," she says in a voice choked with the soil from her dreams. "I need to talk to you."

- ,,​

​

@hyacinthbreath

 

[hyacinthbreath]

♚ Haunted by the rainy night she had fallen from the stars, Hyacinth hated sleeping beneath the sky at night. Odd, considering her allegiance, but she had always been a solitary woman. Her separation from Moonshadow, her acceptance that things would never be how she wanted it to be- she was hoping for too much, though she did cherish the smoke and night molly. She mothered her kits, brought them into the world and raised them when she couldn't- wouldn't. Guilt ate at her, though the occasional company of Spiritpaw at her side was comforting enough. It kept her aching heart at bay, the company of her apprentice one that was welcome.

It was yet another lonesome night beneath the stars, restless dreams that left her a light sleeper. A simple shift of her nest would stir her awake, and at this point- she didn't complain. Especially when the smell of soil and heather graced her nose, making it twitch long before she felt the nose press into her fur. She stirs with a low hum, acknowledging the woman's existence as politely as she could with the situation. "Pollen?" She responds to her name being called in return, accented tune thick with sleep. A paw rubs over her eyes. "Are you alright?" She inquires softly, not exactly pushing the molly to answer immediately. Aquamarine hues shifted over the tortoiseshell as Pollenfur asks to speak with her, examining the anxiety in her frame. She's shaking, Hyacinth notices.

Slowly rising to her paws, Hyacinth attempts to push her forehead to Pollenfur's own in a quick show of understanding, exhaling a foggy breath. "Let us go somewhere, then." She breathes out, tail brushing against the molly's spine as she leads Pollenfur through the throng of sleeping cats. She can feel the bitter anticipation of being caught in her bones, though ignores it- it could wait for later. There was no shame in going out with a friend.

She leads them patiently through heather and grass which began to decay with the appearance of snow as of late. When they pass trees, Hyacinthbreath looks back to make sure Pollenfur was still with her, both mentally and physically. With every step, Hyacinth grows more worried for her tortoiseshell friend. "We're far away now.. Go ahead, it's alright. Whatever you tell me, whatever you say- it stays with me." She swears with a tilt of her head, serious tinge to her facial expression. "Shall we seat ourselves, or walk?"​

 

[POLLENFUR]

╭── ⋅ ⋅ ── ✩ ── ⋅ ⋅ ──╮​

She feels gratitude hitch in her throat as the silver lynx point stirs in her nest and rises, gifting Pollenfur a brief touch of her forehead. She closes her eyes against the sensation of another's body touching her own, despite herself -- it's been what feels like a lifetime since Honeytwist stopped sharing her nest.

She nods at Hyacinthbreath's suggestion that they talk somewhere else, and she follows her, paws damp with blistering cool grass. She's far away in her mind, thinking of too many things at once. Those who've gone, those who've stayed. Her loyalties are jumbled, she realizes -- and so is her heart.

"I'm afraid, Hyacinthbreath," she says in a quiet voice. She finds the other molly's blue gaze and lets herself find some solace in the sincerity reflected there. She starts to say more, but her breath hitches, and she shakes her head with frustration.

I won't betray Echolight. I won't. If the truth is coming, let it -- none of them can help that. But even after Hyacinthbreath resigned from WindClan's council, Pollenfur knows she respects Sootstar and the rules she lays down.

She won't say more. She won't.

Instead, she tentatively seeks to press her flank to the other molly's. "I'm afraid of what will happen if my family stays here," she says, evasive. But it's not a lie. She is afraid of that very thing... and what can she truly do to help any of them?

She tilts her face to the stars and shakes her head. How many times she's found herself out here, self-pitying, self-deprecating, and to what end? What end? "I'm afraid for you, too, now that you aren't a lead warrior. I'm afraid you're just as expendable as the rest of us, now." Her eyes glow like golden suns in her face. "How have you been dealing with all of it?"

- ,,​

​

 

[hyacinthbreath]

♚ Thump, thump.

She can hear the thundering heartbeat in her chest, it pulsates and reminds her of her existence once again. That this, in fact, was real- not a dream, not a nightmare. Pollenfur is here with her on her own volition, trusts her enough despite the fact that she had done so much wrong. Made so many mistakes. She's afraid, she says- afraid of what will happen if her family remains in WindClan. Hyacinthbreath finds herself agreeing, worrying for her own family- for Moonshadow. While she didn't love the molly in a romantic manner any longer, she was the mother of her kits and one of her best friends. "Echolight is pregnant, I can only imagine the worry you feel. WindClan isn't the best place to raise kits at the moment." Not with those stinking Rogues here. Not while Sootstar's reign is still ever strong. Her eyes are distant, glazed over. They drag themselves over to Pollenfur's own, sunflower sunshine and golden- beautiful. She blinks at the thought.

Hyacinthbreath presses her cheek to Pollenfur's own, her tail twitching as it instinctively reaches out in an attempt to entwine itself with Pollenfur's own, only to stop when they barely touch, pulling away. Her chest burns with shame. I'm afraid for you, too, now that you aren't a lead warrior. I'm afraid you're just as expendable as the rest of us, now. "I was always expendable from the beginning." She reasons with herself, conflicted expression muddling her brain. She didn't enjoy the feeling that brought, that she was replaceable. If she looks up to the stars, she would find herself cursing them once again. I can't save us. I am but only one cat, useless beneath the stars. "The Fates have cruel ambitions, this life." Accented tune, deep with emotion.

How have you been dealing with all of it? "How I feel doesn't matter when others are hurting so badly." It's there, the hesitance in her guilt- but when she turns to fully look at Pollenfur again, there's a determination in her eyes. "I.. I can get them all to safety. I'm close to Smokethroat of RiverClan, and I'm sure he wouldn't be against taking refugees to RiverClan for safety." She offers softly, cold wind whisping against her ears. They lay back against her head instinctively. She wouldn't dare speak out against Sootstar, not yet- not when she could order the Rogues to tear her to shreds, to slaughter her. Friends with Duskfire or not, he wouldn't disobey a direct order from his Queen. She felt that way, once, too. She understands. "I can make sure you're safe. If.. If anyone deserves to be happy, to be safe, it's you and your family." She mutters softly, exhaustion evident in the bags beneath her eyes. "If something happened to you because of me, I'd never forgive myself."​