private i don't know why i called 〰 spicepaw

[edenberry ?!]

"You still awake, little sister?"

They slide into their house with all the carefulness of one who fears waking up their Twoleg- their comings and goings had not earned them much love the last time and so the terror still lingers in nervous steps even now. Hazelbeam's Twoleg had never given them reason to doubt her... Maybe it is the cowardly kitten in them that screams then. Says that this place is not their home.. that they are an intruder, passing by until they are plucked away and tossed over the fence again.

They wait for ginger-freckled ears to perk from a cozy bed, a lift of a familiar, youth-rounded face and an affirmative mrr before plodding closer. It would be a tight fit, to squeeze in there next to her but Edenberry is sore for the comfortable press of family against their side. "Scoot over, I wanna chat." They don't really wait for her to make herself comfortable enough to have a second there with her, wiggling lengthy limbs into the spaces around the edge to settle in.

They had a very... complicated favor to ask, with Hazelbeam indisposed and unable to make her usual visits to SkyClan. It really just left Spicepaw... but anxious necessity nags at them that putting this off any longer will drops all of their metaphorical cards onto the table for anyone to see. They'd rather handle this privately.. carefully... away from judgement and prying eyes. The guilt is plenty enough on its own to deal with.

Fussing over a few unruly tufts of fur that stick out from their sibling's pelt, their tongues rasps over the soft spot behind her ears a few times. If nothing else, maybe it would ease both of their thrumming heartbeats a little, to share in that familial affection like things were normal. Even if... they wouldn't be.

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𓍊𓋼𓍊𓋼𓍊 〰 i can still hear you sing

• @spicepaw
• -- edenberry / skyclan daylight warrior / any pronouns / 13 moons
  -- mostly white with black pinstripe and green eyes / scarred face and back / filling out where previously skinny
  -- color #728c69​

​

 

[spicepurr]

Her hat is tucked away, pulled off by twoleg paws and settled on a wooden spike only just taller than her. The moon hangs dutifully in the sky and after spending hours chatting with Hazelbeam and reassuring her eldest sister that all is well in SkyClan, all she wants to do is rest. She's too young to have aching bones and yet she feels as if they creak with every wobbly step. She finds a comfortable spot, likely plush with blankets and other soft things, and closes her yellow-green eyes.

Are you awake? She hears her sister's whisper. Cinnamon ears twitch and she lazily raises her head, hardly looking towards them before they clamber into her 'nest' and get comfortable in the space afforded to them. Spicepaw lets out a tired meh as bony limbs jab into her, however in her fatigue she does not notice how not bony Edenberry proves to be. "Chat? It's moonhigh, Edie. Can't it wait until the sun's up?" Spice mutters, but the other's grooming is soothing and she falls into a similar pattern of pets. If her pelt is disheveled by a day of work, Eden's is always somehow worse.

She draws a tongue over the other's cheek before sighing, "Okay, okay," she putters, stretching her forearms and loosely resting them over Edenberry. "What's it you wanna talk about?"​

 

[edenberry ?!]

Their ears flick one after the other in nervousness to hear the soft keeping to wait. They didn't want to offer this kind of information just before the long trip towards SkyClan in the morning.. it would give her no time to consider it before facing the very clan-mates they were meant to hide this from. They open their maw to placate her, to promise it can wait... maybe tomorrow night or- but Spicepaw relents with a stretch of legs she searches to grow into... Presses a quick lick at their cheek in a way that makes an already pitifully weak heart tremble.

"Sorry, velvet ears," they purr apologetically, though are exceedingly grateful not to have to wait on this information any longer. Those she was not the first to know, she would be the first that could enact any sort of real effect on it.. one who'd witness their growth. Be apart of their lives from day one. This mattered, this little chat, more than Edenberry had let on.

"I know you probably don't have time to.. pay much attention to it between training but I've been having like a really hard time with Cherryblossom," they confess, hoping the explanation might do something to offer them some kind of... mercy from the judgement that is sure to come. "It's like... we're together right? But... also.. not really. She almost never has time for me anymore and... she won't talk to me about important stuff... the stuff she cares about. It's like... she's a thousand fox-lengths away and I can't seem to catch up..."

Putting words to the feelings hurts more than they expected- or maybe that's just... the Trouble's fault... it makes them feel crazy, not knowing what's them and what's exaggerated by tiny strangers. "I've been visiting that one nice stranger... it's where I've been sneaking off to after we get back. They're so nice, Spicy... And they're leaving soon." They shift uncomfortably, trying to make sure not to disturb the bleary-eyed girl too much in all their moving, "I got.. a bit too close- I just liked feeling... I don't know... wanted? I guess?"

Edenberry's ears flatten, pinching up their face in a struggle not to start crying for what felt to be the hundredth time that day. "I need your help... To make sure this can just be my mistake. That I can... deal with this and not be alone with it but... I can't... share this with SkyClan- it'd mean..." It'd mean staring Orangestar in the face and admitting what they'd done... It would mean seeing Cherryblossom's eyes awash with sadness... or maybe anger? They don't even think they know how she'd react. And their friends... their friends who were all born and raised with her, not with Edenberry- they are sure none of them would take their side. Was sure they'd losing any chance to remaining a daylight warrior, really.

Slate would probably call for exile immediately, just because he already disliked them so much.

"When I have to stay behind... when I can't go with you for awhile... can you tell them I'm sick? I'll- It should only be for a couple moons and I'll be right back as soon as they're big enough not to need me all the time-"

---

𓍊𓋼𓍊𓋼𓍊 〰 i can still hear you sing

• -- edenberry / skyclan daylight warrior / any pronouns / 13 moons
  -- mostly white with black pinstripe and green eyes / scarred face and back / filling out where previously skinny
  -- color #728c69​

​

 

[spicepurr]

Velvet ears earns a hearty purr, though it takes Spice too long to think of a similar nickname to spike back at her sibling. Banter, if anything, to fill the air whilst Edenberry finds her footing in whatever bothers her. Spicepaw is just too tired, however, and accepts the kindly moniker, resting comfortably against Eden whilst twitching her velvet ears. She giggles quietly, but ceases her softened enjoyment once the white-and-black moggy begins to speak.

It's something to do with their relationship with Cherryblossom - in all truth, Spicepaw had all but forgotten the dynamic. Maybe exactly for the reason Edenberry presents: with the mottled molly's new position in the Clan, beneath her mother no less, she must not have time for frivolous escapades with her like-aged friends, like Lupinesong and Crowsight. Like Edenberry - who seems torn up about the scenario they've adopted. Spicepaw wants to ask if while Orangestar were deputy, if she fancied or entertained anyone - but the apprentice decides against it. Logic isn't a kind friend when one is suffering in sadness like Edenberry seems to be.

And then - what? Tired eyes widen, and Spicepaw can't contain her surprise, her shock. "Edie - you..." Cheated? That's what that is, is it not? To find comfort in another soul because the one you're bound to is inadequate in some way? Spicepaw can't even piece apart the fact that the nice stranger Eden's grown attached to isn't a part of SkyClan - much less even the neighborhood they're hardly a part of. The other shifts their weight and Spice places a firm paw on their side, eyebrows knitted together with worry, "You didn't," she tries to plead. "You wouldn't - you like Cherryblossom -!" But it doesn't seem to end there.

She wants to bear into her older sibling with discontent and frustration - but Edenberry's face contorts and Spicepaw relents, if only for the moment. Tears prick the other's eyes, just waiting to be shed onto cinnamon and cream fur. Spicepaw feels bad for even thinking about combatting the subject at all. Eden approached her, vulnerable, and with more to say; perhaps she grew too quickly focused on her sibling's reveal, the infidelity being the worse of their crimes. Spice cannot imagine that anything else the other does could compare - but then they start speaking of needing help, a distraction, a lie. Just cut it off, she inwardly pleads, not understanding.

As soon as they're big enough...
It clicks.

"Edie...? Edie, no," Spicepaw feels as if their sibling has taken a mallet to their world. And then she feels gross for even thinking that her world is in pieces when the warrior has effectively shattered everything around them, but with only a few souls privvy to the carnage. Still, Spice's voice drips, impossibly small: "You're pregnant?" Little, tiny Edenberrys... Symbols of their dams infidelity and need for attachment and attention. The other seems to still be forming a plan to avoid consequence, and maybe in some way Spicepaw is grateful for her sibling's sense of urgency. She supposes she can only wish that the other had been more careful, or had more forethought... Still, she cannot help the tumbling of words from her mouth: "And you want me to lie - to your friends, to Cherryblossom, to - to everyone?" The mere idea makes her feel dizzy, her throat closing up.

It takes a too-long pause before Spice speaks again, and she posits, "I'll help you because - because I'm your sister, and that's what I'm supposed to do. But - but... when they're big enough, what then? Twolegs like to send away kittens when they're too big. You'll have to bring them to SkyClan then, and tell the truth or -" a pause, and her gaze tilts away, "- or keep up the lie... It isn't right. I'll help you, but... You have to start thinking ahead, Eden. There's more riding on this than before." Her ears twist backwards and she brings her gaze back to the single striped feline, lips pressed into a thin, wobbly line. "Are you going to tell Cherryblossom?"
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[edenberry ?!]

It's already ruined, they think in complete earth-shattering dismay, the moment Spicepaw squeaks out their name with an indignant disbelief. Whatever nervousness they'd shoved down in favor of bravery and honesty is near immediately set alight, making their heart quicken like a cornered rabbit with long ears folded back to match. "I didn't mean-" But the dappled girl persists in her suspended uncertainty, practically begging them not to admit the reality was exactly as they'd presented it. "I do like Cherryblossom," comes as a keening whine for understanding, that it isn't for lack of love that they'd stumbled- it was the opposite, really! Right? It was because of the unspoken distance between them that they'd floundered, felt abandoned and forgotten in favor of a higher purpose. There was no room for Edenberry when being deputy was placed in her paws...

It swelters, throbs like an open wound pressed into with uncaring paws- they rear back, as if prepared to run out of panic alone. There wasn't really anywhere to go, this was their home, and perhaps that's the only reason they don't flee at the first sign of Spicepaw's disappointment. They nod, tongue numbed too much to say a simple yes to the first question. It does not come as easily as it had with Raindrop...

"It... it doesn't have to be a lie," they whisper, struggling to find the will to continue the conversation. "I don't feel very well-" For now, only emotionally, but who knew how long that would last before the less enjoyable symptoms reared their ugly head? "It wouldn't matter anyways- I wouldn't be able to hunt anymore soon enough and everyone else has made it pretty clear that's all daylight warriors are good for..." An exaggeration- those are only the words of a loud minority that have been forced to quiet but still, still they roar in their ears.

The silence is agonizingly deafening, enough to make their paws itch to escape except for the fact Spicepaw is still stubbornly laid atop their side. Did it make her feel gross? To touch them now? Knowing what was hidden under the surface? They feel sick to consider it. Maybe that was just karmic justice... that they'd suggest sickness as an alibi and really get sick...

Perhaps Spice is a little too perceptive for her age, too smart... the futures she brings up are ones that their older sibling had only barely considered, far too worried about the now to bother with the future much. They'd had the forethought at the very least, to make sure that Raindrop knew. They had.. a back-up plan, probably. "I-I know that," they complain, brows furrowing as they fixate on a random spot on the floor nearby. If anyone's aware of the separation of too-small kits from their parents... Shouldn't it be them? A homesickness for a place they don't know makes them nauseous- They wished sorely for a mother to turn to.

"No," and despite the way their stomach churns with the weight of the lie they're weaving, they refuse to admit their mistake for fear of the repercussions. "I can't tell her... and that means SkyClan too..." They'd just... have to figure something out. They'd figure it out. For now they had a bit of time to think on it, to weave some pieces together and find a perfect solution. Because there was one, somewhere hidden in all the mess, surely. Edenberry had poured so much good will out there, some of it had to come back their way eventually...

"I'm gonna figure it out Spicepaw, I promise... I won't ask for anything else."

---

𓍊𓋼𓍊𓋼𓍊 〰 i can still hear you sing

• -- edenberry / skyclan daylight warrior / any pronouns / 13 moons
  -- mostly white with black pinstripe and green eyes / scarred face and back / filling out where previously skinny
  -- color #728c69​

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