private I FINALLY FOUND PEACE, SO PEACE &. needledrift

[CHILLEDSTAR.]

DON'T YOU GIVE ME UP, PLEASE DON'T GIVE UP​

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this was a long time coming. they should have apologized a long time ago. before she went on the journey. before she got pregnant. just... before. their ears twitched slightly as they began to pace back and forth, nervously trying to find the words to say. how to say them properly. chilledstar didn't apologize. why? because they didn't really think they needed to. they hardly said anything that they regretted. they firmly stood by their words, in most cases, so why apologize? why be sorry? in needledrift's case, it was different. they were sorry... not for doing what they did but for how they approached it. they shouldn't have risen their voice like that. they shouldn't have been so rude. they know that. same for ferndance. they should have properly worded her demotion better. they don't mean her silliness is a bad thing. they just meant she was inappropriate when she wasn't supposed to be. but with a sickly clouded brain, they couldn't find the way to say that. not an excuse, simply a reason.

"needledrift."

they stepped into the nursery, gently dropping a decent piece of prey at her paws. their tail curled and unfurled, nose twitching back and forth and back again.

"you... look good. are you getting enough sleep?"

oh, they sounded scared of their own damned voice.

"you know what, no. I didn't come here to sound like a scared kitten. i came here to apologize. im sorry. truly. for all of it. for yelling. for brushing you off. for ignoring you, and avoiding you. for not being a good friend, even before all of this. after my mom died i became a badgerbrain and that's... not fair. not to anyone but especially to you, who tried to be there for me more than anyone, other than pitchstar. i miss you, you know?"

they do, despite how they've acted. everyone they love leaves, so maybe in some way they were trying to get needledrift to do the same. they didn't want that, though. not really.

"remember when we were about this tall, and we... used to play cat and mouse? you always insist that i be the mouse. my mom had to find me a couple of times because i blend in so well... I miss her, too."

// @Needledrift
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[Needledrift]

Needledrift lifted her head as her leader approached, the barest hint of deference coloring her features. Despite all of her weepy outbursts, raised eyebrows, and worried glances, the presence of authority still humbled her. Chilledstar now reminded her of Briarstar more than anything, quiet, contemplative, but resolute in their mission. She could imagine the former leader's sharp eyes staring at her in place of Chilledstar's icy, level gaze, daring her to open her mouth before she was permitted to.

It was perhaps a little too insulting to say out loud, but Needledrift had never seen Chilledstar as another Briarstar. In her mind, they had never been suited to leadership. She had watched for the last five seasons as the weight of being chosen began to crumple their whiskers, steal their spirit, and hurt their heart. To Chilledstar, leadership was a yoke that bore into their shoulders and bit into their spine, fraying the last few nerves they had left. With those fraying ends came snappishness, boorish sentiments, anger, disdain, and a degradation of a friendship that had already been pushed to its limits by tragedy and heartache.

She had witnessed all of it and had only spared a handful of words for her despair.

They begin to speak, not in the steady words of Briarstar, but in their own way - all melting snow drifts and naps drizzled in pine sap. The gray and white she-cat blinked in surprise as they just talked, speaking for the first time in a long time instead or commanding or snapping. The kittens at her belly seemed to notice the difference as well, and they squeaked their approval before nuzzling back into their meal.

"I remember her being like moonlight. Pretty. Dazzling, really. Your mother and my mother were both like that. They just lit up the colony whenever they smiled. I remember thinking to myself once that you could do that too if he -" She bit back the words, unwilling to speak ill of the monochrome cat's family. Chilledstar's father had always been a strange thing. Odd. Distant. Needledrift had always been taught not to pass judgement on situations she knew nothing about, but once he had taken over the raising of Chilled and their sibling, everything had changed.

"I've wanted to be there for you for so long, but it's like.... you act like you're a wildfire and if you let me get near you, I'd just go up in flames. And I stood there and I just... I got so... so... angry because I couldn't see those flames, I could only see you choking on the smoke and I couldn't do anything but watch."

She blinked hard at that, the tell-tale pinpricks of tears threatening at the corners of her eyes. "I think at some point, I couldn't watch anymore, but that felt worse in a way, because... I don't think... if you didn't have every other cat in the world to think of... I don't think you'd do that to me."

One of her kittens squeaked again. She brushed her tail over them absent-mindedly, her green eyes fixed on the leader. On her friend.

"So we've both been eating crowfood like idiots. And we should stop. Because I love you, and you love me in your own silly way, and that means we should be able to weather our bad moods and our problems together, without snapping and yelling and using clan politics as proxies not to talk to each other. Because we're friends." speech is in #B9D0F5​

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[CHILLEDSTAR.]

DON'T YOU GIVE ME UP, PLEASE DON'T GIVE UP​

---

"it's easier that way. to push you away. to push everyone away."

they twitched their ears with a small huff from their mouth and a quick lash of their tail.

"don't bring him up. don't. i do love you needledrift, but I don't like to talk about him. never have. never will. especially when all he wants is to take my brother away and somehow become a great dad. bunch of bullshit."

they shake their head, trying to get the thoughts away. they hated their father, just as they hated granitepelt and siltcloud. only difference was, there was some fucked up part of their mind that tells them their father will one day be better. apologize for leaving them behind to watch their mother get sick and die. apologize for leaving them to raise their younger brother. apologize for leaving. for misgendering them. for being an absentee father. but... logic knows better than they do.

"sorry. just thinking about him makes me upset. that wildfire certainly comes back. but you're... right. i was a mousebrain to be so... volatile. can't promise it will stop but I can certainly promise to try."

they look at the kits huddled against her with a hum.

"lovely. they're gonna grow to be great cats like you and chittertongue. i know he's watching over them right now, and surely loves them as much as he loved you."
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