private i forgot how to be me 𓆟 robinheart

[splashdance]

[ @robinheart & gar <3 ]

Splashpaw has unlocked a new state of being, she feels like. It's been days since the hound has found their camp, terrorized their kids, harmed a queen - and though it is gone, she still hears the baying. The growl, the gnashing of teeth. Somewhere deep in her psyche, she hears yipping, screeching. And instead of skin-lain fur, she sees orange. Falsified memories, sure, from whence she was born amidst snow and blood. They are not the same and yet she's found herself awake at night more than once, trying to console herself out of the nightmares.

If this is how she struggles, she cannot imagine how the queen must be.

Splashpaw carries her morsel of a catch (slow day, she supposes,) towards Robinheart, intent clear in her steps. She's only heard so much of the young queen; her lover passed days after their young were born. Something to do with the river, she's been told. (Odd; a RiverClanner dying by the every tide that's birthed them. Should she be scared of the shade, then?) Nonetheless she raises her children not alone, for RiverClan is a village of mothers, fathers, older siblings and more; RiverClan is all that ShadowClan could never be. And in that thought, she breathes a sigh of hope and relief. For something is different, and it's something she likes.

"Hey, Robinheart," she stops short of the woman, noticing the white furball nestled at her belly. Asleep, she thinks, so she lowers her voice. "I'm... Splashpaw. I'm not sure if you've heard of me yet..." she trails off, sure that the tortoiseshell woman would not like to hear the woes of her life up until now. She shakes it off, "I've brought you a meal, since you... can't really do it yourself. I'm sorry -" she's quick to apologize, "- that was callous, wasn't it?" And she's paused again, mouth agape as she tries to find words.

"... If it's worth anything... you're pretty brave?" Splashpaw nudges the food closer to the other. "I... My mother had a similar circumstance, when I was much, much younger. Fresh, even. She would've given her life to save me and my littermates..." And instead you did. No. No, Sprucepaw did. Her broken, non existent memories fade with every passing second, and the thought is gone. She blinks and thinks instead with how ungrateful she must appear before the queen. "I'm sorry, I'm sure you're not up for conversation...!"​

 

[robinheart]

Robinheart cannot claim to be plagued by nightmares of her own demise; she flinches and whimpers in bloodied dreams of what could have been had she not been quick enough - of what life would have to be like with one less kit kneading and nursing at her belly. A broken leg is worth so much more than losing a child. Still the nightmares come and go, waiting in her subconscious like the hound had waited in the reeds. Ready. Willing to lash out at just the right time.

Her eyes are rimmed red as she watched pale flanks rise and fall rhythmically. The queen cannot help but fixate on the cobweb patches of injuries she had inflicted. If only I hadn’t shoved her aside, she thinks bitterly, despite knowing it was the only choice in the moment. Rivuletkit needed to be far from snapping jaws and large paws. At least she was safe; she would grow up unhindered by injury.

Pawsteps pull her from her thoughts and Robinheart’s pain glazed gaze fixes itself upon ebony figure. The tortoiseshell is unfamiliar with the apprentice, however her introduction sparks memory. “I have. Lichenstar introduced you at the meeting… I was listening within the nursery,” she rasps truthfully, though not completely as she had also heard gossip of a new apprentice - a foreigner brought in just after the gathering. In the back of her mind she wonders if that might have been her had Blazestar intended to keep her and Cicadastar forsake her due to long discarded collar. It’s in the past. You are a RiverClanner through and through. Citrine eyes befall the morsel of prey given and Robinheart nods appreciatively. Splashpaw speaks entirely too quickly, thoughtlessly perhaps, and it brings a ghost of a smile to her maw. “Callous? Perhaps… but also truthful. Not apology necessary,” she murmurs as only a mother would.

Speaking of mothers, Splashpaw recounts her own. The sacrifices made to ensure her and her littermates survival. Was a mother’s love akin to bravery? Robinheart stares at the prey piece and swallows thickly. “I was more afraid than I was brave,” she admits with a shake of her head. Rivuletkit stirs beside her before settling once more and the tortoiseshell looks to her child with nothing but adoration glimmering in her eyes. “But I would do it again… throw myself into a thousand jaws, break every bone… just so she has a chance. So all my children have a chance at life.” Robinheart looks up at Splashpaw with unnameable emotion. “I’m certain your mother would feel the same. You are welcome to talk about her more… if you wish. I am not going anywhere.”​

[ penned by kerms ]​