I FEEL LIKE AN ASTRONAUT IN THE OCEAN
"There hopefully won't be a next time, huh?"
He almost missed the words entirely because his brain was still lagging over the fact that she'd booped his nose. How was he suppsed to respond to that? For at least a moment his surprise was probably visible to her before he huffed and looked away, ears flicking backwards to try and cover his uncertainty with annoyance as he listened to her next words.
He'd be a liar if he said the idea wasn't a little tempting, even if only from a logical standpoint. Surely Deersong and Blazestar would understand just why he'd responded so violently, which might make them a little more understanding to any future slip ups he were to have, but at the same time it was humiliating to admit to something like that. He was sure not every cat in his position felt that way, but for Quill personally? Yeah, it felt pretty fucking shitty to be treated that way and spoken to like that by someone who was supposed to be his fucking parent.
"I can't imagine what you went through, especially with how you reacted I can only assume it was bad and I'm sorry you had to go through it. But you're not alone, not anymore, so at least try and rely on us a bit more, hmm?"
He wanted to believe in those words, because while 'alone' had always been safe, it didn't make exactly make him 'happy', just miserable in a different way. But he hated anything that even looked like pity, and so he remained silent instead, letting her go on to tell him about the extra duties he'd be picking up for the elders and queens, to which he nodded mutely. He wasn't happy about having to do more work, but he'd do it all the same.
Her next gesture had the same effect as the last time she'd shown him any hint of physical encouragement; stiff shoulders, no eye contact, and a heavy air of uncertainty- but no move to pull away or bristle.
Toleration was the only affection he could return her right now.
"If you decide to be open about what all this is about, I will go with you to talk to Blazestar about it. If we have a joiner who is looking to cause trouble we need to know about it."
His brain was loud, too loud, and he hated it. The sound of his own thoughts were a burden he'd never been happy to carry, preferring the silence, the stillness. With those came a peace he was rarely afforded. But his mind was buzzing and frantic in that moment, going over the mile-long list of reasons why he should never, ever breath a word of it to anyone. Because his heart was turning on him. It was weak with wanting, a touch-starved thing that had grown teeth and claws and quills to keep everything away from it because that's what was safe. Its what was easy.
But it wanted to believe Deersong.
"My dad doesn't like me."
The words left his mouth before he could stop them, and on reflex he stood and stepped away, because the last thing he wanted in that moment was for Deersong to touch him, to pity him.
"I ruined his life when I was born, then I ruined it even more when I left. "
Such condemning words, and yet he spoke them with that same detatched tone he always used, a monotony that was bound to him and perhaps better explained with this new information. Absence, for Quill, had everything. Absence from his home when things got rough. A second, different kind of absence for when things got rougher.
"If you need to tell Blazestar you can, but I'm not going with you." there was no reason for him to subject himself to this a second time over when Deersong could relay the information just as well. "But it stays between you two only. Nobody better start looking at me weird after this." And this time there was a sharpness to his tone, something agitated and genuine in its fear. And it didn't make him feel good to speak so harshly to the queen, but he was serious. He'd rather walk out and face his father again than live in a group of cats that were only going to see him for his past.
skyclan - male - 8 months - bisexual - homoromantic - single - very tall tabby tomcat with broad shoulders 
