private I STILL SEE HER &. starlingheart

[CHILLEDSTAR.]

this takes place before the gathering!! sorry for the delay //

they find themself back at starlingheart's den. she's going through so much and they can't comfort her the way they want to. they truly want to. but they don't know how. they don't know what to do here. but they needed to talk anyways. no one knows just how messed up they are this time or why it's taking them so long to get that ghostly look out of their eyes. it's been days, and usually it goes away by now but they just can't shake it. it's painful. it feels like it's happening over and over again, and they've been told multiple times that they were frogbbrained for their decision. they wouldn't do anything different. they stuck by their decisions. they've only ever regretted one thing but even that had to happen. there is just a way of life where thing have to happen. they can't control it and it gets so exhausting trying to.

"hey starls. don't mean to bother you. shoulders giving me some grief here. but I brought you a mouse. figured it's better than a frog."

they take a second, sitting down with a small sigh.

"two. I lost two lives. I didn't say anything to anyone because I don't want them to worry but... you're the medicine cat. you're closer to the stars than any of us and I trust you. guess I really screwed up this time to lose two, huh?"

it could have been them all, like pitchstar and briarstar. but it wasn't. still, it doesn't feel any more okay. especially since this just feels worse than it normally does. death sucks. but dying twice in one breath sucks more.


// @Starlingheart

———————---***ALL OF MY FEELINGS ARE GONE***———————---​

I LEFT 'EM ALL ON THE FLOOR✧ MAN WHO'S TO BLAME IF YOU DON'T LOVE ME NO MORE

•  
• — black feline with a white marking across their face, a white chin, a white right front paw, and blue eyes. chilledstar is covered in scars, the most prominent ones being the one across their face, and the one across their neck.
  — 46 moons old; ages the 3rd every month
  — they / them pronouns
  — aromantic / homosexual ; currently not looking / looking
  — child of JAGGED and RAVEN
  — shadowclan ; loyal to shadowclan ; other info if applicable
  — mildly difficult to befriend ; trusts barely anyone; trusts no one outside of shadowclan
  — "speech", thoughts, attacking
  — peaceful powerplay allowed

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[Starlingheart]

When she is not doing medicine cat duties, searching for herbs, checking up on the kits, tending to graves, Starlingheart finds herself in her nest. Curled into a tight ball, lone eye glassed over and staring at the rock wall with her back turned towards any patients. The gentle rise and fall of her flank would make it look like she is merely resting but the black circles under her tired eyes give away that sleep is hard to come by nowadays. When she closes her eyes, she looses them all over and over again. Her brother, her mother, her son, her apprentice. All that she is is slowly spilling out and she often finds herself wondering just how much more she had left to give. How anyone could give so much and still be asked for more was beyond her comprehension but as long as she still had love to give she would provide. She would keep going. For the family she had left, for her clan. She could be strong for them. She had to.

Footsteps rouse her from her thoughts and she twists her head over her shoulder so she could see with her good eye who had entered her den. Admittedly, there is still a small, foolish, part of her that finds itself hoping for gray fur and green eyes, but she knows it is not him she misses but rather the cat she had once imagined him to be. "Chilledstar" she greets quietly as she spins around in her nest so that she is facing them rather than away. "Y-you're no bother" she reassures gently, a small half smile lifting up only one corner of her lips before faltering when she sees the troubled expression worm upon the leaders face. "I'll get you-get you some-something to help with that hold on" she says, rising to her feet and heading to the cracks in the walls where she stored her herbs.

A moment later, she turns around a comfrey root clenched in her jaws but when Chilledstar begins speaking she places it gently down and listens. "It's not-not your fault" she affirms, voice gentle but certain "You cannot control how many times you-you die but you- you can control what you do with the extra time you have been given when you come back." It is both a blessing and a curse, she realizes. To taste death over and over again would not bode well for any cats mental health but to come back when others could not? To get the chance to live again? It is lucky in some ways and terrible in others.

( ‧₊˚❀༉‧₊˚. ) fly me up on a silver wing

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  STARLINGHEART SHADOWCLAN MEDICINE CAT; SHE / HER ; SISTER TO PITCHSTAR, CHITTERTONGUE, NIGHTSWARM, SKUNKTAIL, AND LILACFUR. MOTHER TO NETTLEPAW, FLINTPAW AND GHOSTPAW.
  

  A skinny she cat with short black and white fur littered with scars and one singular green eye.

  ✦ Easy in battle + has little to no formal battle training
  

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[CHILLEDSTAR.]

chilledstar's head nods as they think about it. she's right about that. starlingheart's name is nothing short of right. she uses her heart a lot more than chilledstar used theirs. and for that, they're forever grateful. she was a great medicine cat, an even greater mother and friend. pitchstar, and briarstar, would surely be proud. they didn't give a damn what the former medicine cat had thought. she lost all rights to that when she abandoned her. they look down at the root, reaching their paw out to nearly touch it before they just sigh.

"hard to tell myself that, you know. that it's not my fault. but... I understand what you mean. it's not your fault, either."

there is a pivet in the conversation as they move their gaze to gently settle on starlingheart's.

"all you did was love someone who could never love you the same. that's not your fault. and neither is nettlepaw's death. or magpiepaw's. you're absolutely right about those things we can't control and I know it doesn't feel like it but you're only one cat. you cannot possibly shoulder all of that guilt. I won't let you, kiddo."

they grunt as they stand, gently pressing their nose to her head and offering a small smile to her.

"you're doing great. you always have and you always will. even when you walk amongst the stars. and you do not need to be strong all the time. just know when to... get back up. alright? you need us as much as we need you. we're here for you. i'm here for you."

———————---***i try to live in black and white***———————---​

but i'm so blue✧ i'd like to mean it when i say i'm over you

•  
• — black feline with a white marking across their face, a white chin, a white right front paw, and blue eyes. chilledstar is covered in scars, the most prominent ones being the one across their face, and the one across their neck.
  — 46 moons old; ages the 3rd every month
  — they / them pronouns
  — aromantic / homosexual ; currently not looking
  — child of JAGGED and RAVEN
  — shadowclan ; loyal to shadowclan ; other info if applicable
  — mildly difficult to befriend ; trusts barely anyone; trusts no one outside of shadowclan
  — "speech", thoughts, attacking
  — peaceful powerplay allowed

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