private I wanna boggle your mind ⚜ Chilledstar

[Duckshimmer]

*+:｡.｡ "Chilledstar?"

The rain patters hard upon the ground, harsher still against her coat. She must look like quite the sorry sight - long fur stained black by moisture, hanging limp like a downtrodden willow tree. Once more, Duckshimmer wondered about her leader's love of the rain. She squints, turning her gaze up towards the suffocating wall of clouds, somber and dark, and...doesn't see it. She couldn't if she wanted to, not with the rain punching down and making it difficult to open her eyes enough to get a proper look. But there was something about this dreary weather that put a sparkle in Chilledstar's eye, one that Duckshimmer rarely ever sees directed at anything else. So...there had to be something. Through the cold, the pummeling, the rumbling sound, and the endless grey...Duckshimmer hoped she could see it, someday. She hoped even more that she wasn't incapable.
Turning her attention back to her leader's den, Duck would sigh. "I hoped to ask for your forgiveness, for what I said earlier today. It was unbecoming." she explains, figuring she'd cut right to the chase. Had the roles been reversed, she would've been disgusted with her clanmate for saying that to her. Especially considering...well, let's be honest, Duckshimmer and Chilledstar were hardly close. Watching her leader from a distance, the rumors that followed them like the ink in their shadow, she could see there were moons between herself and them. Moons that have built walls and frozen over lakes, in just the same way it has with Duckshimmer. There was so much more to Chilledstar than just...a cat that smiled when the rain fell. A cat who saw beauty where, to Duckshimmer, there simply was none...spoke of wholly different worlds the two have lived through.
Duckshimmer looked down at her paws, small, soaked, and muddied, and wondered if she had the strength to walk the distance, let alone even have an invitation for it.

Digging her claws into the dirt, she lifts her gaze once more and speaks, "But I'd also like to ask you a question". Invitations be damned, Duckshimmer was already marching forth. No matter what, Chilledstar was their leader - and a damn good one. After Sootstar and Blazestar, Cicadastar and Pitchstar, Shadowclan was lucky to have had steady, constant leadership from a cat who cared so deeply for their clan. Someone who cared so much they leaped into a fox's jaws just to ensure someone had a proper meal. A good reason. An admirable reason.
But it wasn't enough for Duckshimmer.
She opened her mouth to ask - "Why-?" Why did you do it? but at the last second, she clamped her jaws shut.

The rain patterned on, and she shivered against it. Lowering her ears, Duckshimmer finally meowed, soft and maybe a little sad,
"Are you okay?"

*+:｡.｡ Updated 12/15/23

• 
  
  
• 
  
  
  GENERAL:
  ⚜ Duckshimmer
  ⚜ DFAB— She/Her — Bisexual
  ⚜ 30 moons — Ages 1 moon every month real-time
  ⚜ Mother to Singepaw, Swallowpaw and Sneezepaw
  ⚜ Shadowclan — Warrior
  
  
  
  
  
  COMBAT:
  ⚜Physically hard | mentally hard
  ⚜ Attack in bold #ffa98f
  injuries: None currently

​

 

[CHILLEDSTAR.]

their eyes don't move to meet that of duckshimmer's when she initially speaks. their gaze hangs low, gaze singled on one spot, yet it's somewhat clear that they're not even focused on that. she's talking to them but at first they barely even hear their name. it takes a few blinks for them to realize that they're even being talked to. right. her voice is softer than it had been previously, a lot less irate and a lot more... what they're used to hearing from her. still, even now, they don't understand what she was so so upset about. it's not like she had died. nor was she, or anyone else for that matter, in danger. of all that cats to face a fox, at least it was a cat who could come back. they came back. so what did it matter?

they finally lift their gaze, and duckshimmer steps within their den. they move to sit up in their nest, ignoring the rough ache of their forelimb. she asks why, but it's cut off. she wants to ask something else. something more. their nose twitches, gaze dull as they finally speak up.

"why, what?"

their ears twitched before they huffed quietly. what was there to say? what did she mean by asking if they were okay? does she mean truly okay, or does she mean physically? easily, the answer to both is no. not really. but the only words that come out are the opposite.

"i'm fine."

———————---***ALL OF MY FEELINGS ARE GONE***———————---​

I LEFT 'EM ALL ON THE FLOOR✧ MAN WHO'S TO BLAME IF YOU DON'T LOVE ME NO MORE

•  
• — black feline with a white marking across their face, a white chin, a white right front paw, and blue eyes. chilledstar is covered in scars, the most prominent ones being the one across their face, and the one across their neck.
  — 45 moons old; ages the 3rd every month
  — they / them pronouns
  — aromantic / homosexual ; currently not looking / looking
  — child of JAGGED and RAVEN
  — shadowclan ; loyal to shadowclan ; other info if applicable
  — mildly difficult to befriend ; trusts barely anyone; trusts no one outside of shadowclan
  — "speech", thoughts, attacking
  — peaceful powerplay allowed

​

​

 

[Duckshimmer]

*+:｡.｡ Duckshimmer watches Chilledstar simply...not...react. The longer it takes for them to acknowledge her, the more her fur begins to sting with a rising prickle of irritation. Here she is, getting battered by Starclan forsaken rain, and they can't even look at her? Duckshimmer just about snaps out a nevermind! and sweeps away, assuming with a twisted heart that Chilledstar was just that upset with her but...no. Beauty in the rain. She sucks a deep breath, flicks water off her ear, and forces herself to look.

Chilledgaze had been their original name. Funny, considering Chilledstar was a rather kind-hearted soul who's eyes glowed with amiability for Duckshimmer's idiot kits and the rest of the clan. But now? Now they were neither kind, nor frozen over. They were just...pools. Empty pulls of too-deep water, the color a cat sees before they drown.
Duckshimmer lowers her ears and lets out a deep sigh.

"No, no, lay back down" she meows, nodding to the feline's nest. Duckshimmer wasn't someone they should get up to greet, or step aside for, or any of that nonsense. To prove her point, Duckshimmer laid herself down on the ground where she stood, half in and half out of the den. A bit uncomfortable, but she didn't mind.
Ignoring Chilledstar's obvious lie, Duckshimmer would instead bring up her unfinished question, "Why'd you do it?" she pauses for a moment, then rests her head on her paws, "Why'd you let yourself die?"

The words feel rough on her tongue.
Admittedly, Duckshimmer wasn't a huge believer in the stars. She couldn't deny they might exist, she couldn't say she hasn't seen the nine lives in action but...well, it's been proven that having multiple doesn't necessarily mean they can't all be stolen at once. And even if it were true that they couldn't...Duckshimmer's eyes rested on Chilledstar's hurt leg. She thinks then of her son. Of Siltcloud and her victims. Of the frog that leapt into her tortoiseshell paws that died so easily and...

"Starclan, Chilledstar, please" she lifts her gaze to her leader's, periwinkle eyes a watery blue, "you're not fine"

*+:｡.｡ Updated 12/15/23

• 
  
  
• 
  
  
  GENERAL:
  ⚜ Duckshimmer
  ⚜ DFAB— She/Her — Bisexual
  ⚜ 30 moons — Ages 1 moon every month real-time
  ⚜ Mother to Singepaw, Swallowpaw and Sneezepaw
  ⚜ Shadowclan — Warrior
  
  
  
  
  
  COMBAT:
  ⚜Physically hard | mentally hard
  ⚜ Attack in bold #ffa98f
  injuries: None currently

​

 

[CHILLEDSTAR.]

they blink a few times before they just nod to her, inviting her in fully. seemed a little silly for her to be out in the rain, talking to them. they're numb, they're not cruel. they don't think they've ever really been cruel to their clan, even if a little cold. a little standoffish. but they cannot help what they are. they've built castle walls to keep themself safe, and they'd had to push down the drawbridge over the fiery stream that disconnects them from the world for the sake of their clan. when they feel like this, however, it feels like all of their work is all for naught. the lack of feeling makes it hard to be one way or another, but unintentionally they come off as cold. does she feel it, now? do they feel cold to her? parts of them wonder.

"why wouldn't i? we always are starving. this is the first time since briarstar, since before briarstar that we've not been starving but i do not trust it will last. why would I? why would i trust that we would ever be blessed with full bellies for long? and besides. we have always fought for our food. the rats at the carrionplace. with thunderclan. with windclan. we never have enough. i don't think i will ever not fight to feed my clan, even if it seems like we might be fine. the stars can take it away within a blink if they wanted to."

they know it wasn't smart. but they don't care. it's not easy to break that mindset of being starved and having to hoard food. and then she says it. something no one's ever dared to say... not since their mother died. you're not fine. it echos in their head and they close their eyes, claws scraping against their nest.

"yes i am. I'm back. i lived. i am fine."

they dont want to talk about it. they've never talked about it before. why would they now? why would she want to hear about it? why does... why does she care? why does she care so much if they're fine?

"you don't have to do this. you don't have to pretend to care because I am your leader. i am fine, and I will always be fine."

don't pretend like you care, duckshimmer. it's okay to not care about me.

———————---***ALL OF MY FEELINGS ARE GONE***———————---​

I LEFT 'EM ALL ON THE FLOOR✧ MAN WHO'S TO BLAME IF YOU DON'T LOVE ME NO MORE

•  
• — black feline with a white marking across their face, a white chin, a white right front paw, and blue eyes. chilledstar is covered in scars, the most prominent ones being the one across their face, and the one across their neck.
  — 45 moons old; ages the 3rd every month
  — they / them pronouns
  — aromantic / homosexual ; currently not looking / looking
  — child of JAGGED and RAVEN
  — shadowclan ; loyal to shadowclan ; other info if applicable
  — mildly difficult to befriend ; trusts barely anyone; trusts no one outside of shadowclan
  — "speech", thoughts, attacking
  — peaceful powerplay allowed

​

​

 

[Duckshimmer]

*+:｡.｡ Something hard and painful slips between Duckshimmer's ribs, straight through her chest.
She scoots closer and presses the side of her head against Chilledstar's shoulder, . "I care that you died, idiot" she meows, her voice raspy with emotion she refuses to allow further escape. She dizzily considers the fact that she's in Chilledstar's den, pressing against her leader, trying to comfort them, calling them names. And yet, Duckshimmer looks up, and...it isn't a leader she's looking at.
Beside her lays an older sibling. An exhausted deputy. A broken-hearted mate. Beside her lays a cat who looks at Duckshimmer's kits and the rest of the clan with so much compassion but when looking away holds no light in those chilly blue eyes for themself. This is a cat who's been injured so many times, and starved for so many moons, that dying has become a better alternative than letting a clanmate go hungry.

She opens her mouth to say something - to argue; to twist an agreement into a lecture; to tell Chilledstar to swear to never do it again, please, just so Duckshimmer can rest easy tonight even if you have to lie...but none of it feels right. Duckshimmer can only watch the rain, thinking about this wonderful gift from Starclan ending with more foxes, more invasions...with another endless season of hunger. "Shadowclan is pretty unlivable, isn't it?" She plops the words out like kicked rocks into a pond, finding nothing better to say than the simple truth.

Looking sideways at Chilledstar, she presses her cheek a little deeper into their fur, "but I'd like to spend my moons living here hunting with you, for as long as possible." She opens her mouth to request that Chilledstar please, please, just don't do it again...instead, she meows weakly, "I'm...sorry you've had to carry this burden on your own for so long" She's struck all at once by the truth behind that statement.

Here she is, begging Chilledstar to keep going, to stay alive so they remain Shadowclan's leader for as long as possible...all the while the feline beside her suffers for it. The thing that invaded her chest shifts deeper still, guilt bursting from torn flesh. She, pathetic and small, feels her eyes sting with treacherous tears as she whispers, "I'm so sorry I didn't care more" I'm sorry I didn't notice sooner. I'm sorry I never checked up on you. I'm sorry I let you suffer, for so long, without letting you know you matter.

"The clan wouldn't be the same without you, Chilledgaze. Leader or not."

*+:｡.｡ Updated 12/15/23

• 
  
  
• 
  
  
  GENERAL:
  ⚜ Duckshimmer
  ⚜ DFAB— She/Her — Bisexual
  ⚜ 30 moons — Ages 1 moon every month real-time
  ⚜ Mother to Singepaw, Swallowpaw and Sneezepaw
  ⚜ Shadowclan — Warrior
  
  
  
  
  
  COMBAT:
  ⚜Physically hard | mentally hard
  ⚜ Attack in bold #ffa98f
  injuries: None currently

​