I WANT YOU TO BE HAPPIER - blazestar

[LITTLE WOLF]

Little Wolf was at the gathering, not like she had heard a word that had been said though. Her eyes were only for the cream point tom standing on the rock from which the leaders gave their news. All she could think of was how sad he looked, how unlike the Blaise she had once known and it broke her heart in two. She felt it twist in her chest as she sees her own emotions relayed on his features. She wants to badly to go to him, to comfort him and tell him it was all okay, to be his rock. But he had made his choice and she had made hers, there was no world where she could comfort him anymore and it hurt. It was a painful claw in her chest, twisting and turning and making her want to cry out about the unfairness of it all. If she could turn back time she would guide his paws to the marshes, then to the tall oak trees. They could be together. This was not that world though, and there was no turning back time. As much as she spent countless nights wishing there was.

When the gathering ends she waits until the last possible second before turning to join her clan, her eyes stay on her once-upon-a-time mate for a few seconds longer than they should, reluctant to leave him in this state, reluctant to tear herself away when he is so close to her. It takes everything in her to turn, to watch her clan leave the hollow, her own son and apprentice included, and take the first painful paw step to join them. It feels wrong, so wrong, to not stick around to press herself into his thick fur, to not hear his voice only for her but the small scraps that she has of it, words meant for all the cats in the clearing, are scraps she would hold onto even after she leaves here.

// @BLAZESTAR feel free to have him intercept her before she leaves! sorry this is short starters are BLEGH
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[BLAZESTAR]

Blazestar has been preoccupied, admittedly, with the raid on his Clan, his strange new allyship with Cicadastar, his son's promotion to Chosen One, that he's been able to push his grief at losing his mate away. But their eyes catch in the crowd as another leader speaks, rain-blue and forest-green, and all that lays unspoken between them screams above the Gathering's cacophony. He is antsy to find her before she leaves, and he leaps from the Great Rock without ceremony, just barely catching her before she slips back to ThunderClan territory.

"Little Wolf!" He sounds desperate, and he winces at himself. They can't express the love mates have for one another, not here, not ever again, but does that mean they have to forget the history they share? "Glad I caught you before you left." He shouldn't have rushed; his wound gives him grief for the jostling, rapid movements, though he tries not to let his discomfort show on his face.

Awkward, now. Their easy friendship has been made into something strange. The loss of their daughter might have done that on its own, but being forced apart by the warrior code has enhanced it tenfold. He searches her face, sees how sad and diminished she looks, and he exhales softly. "Please, don't look like that. They can never take our history away, and we can still be friends. There's no warrior code against that, right?" He tries to smile but falters. "How... are you? Burnpaw and Moonpaw?" He'd wanted to talk to his ThunderClan kits, but they're gone now, lost to him for yet another moon. "Fireflypaw and Howlpaw are good. You heard about Dawnglare deciding to make Fireflypaw medicine cat apprentice, right?" He smiles again, and it's genuine this time, soft. "Howlpaw fought in the WindClan battle, too. She's so fierce. Glad one of them is, right?"

Something isn't right, but he can't put his paw on it. He resists the urge his body screams with to rest his chin on her head, to press his face into the black fur at her throat, and instead only meets her eye. "Is something wrong?" Voice soft, low. Of course, everything is wrong... and he knows that. But he's asking so much in such a simple question.​

[ PENNED BY MARQUETTE ]​

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[LITTLE WOLF]

His voice calling out to her nearly shatters her heart into a million pieces but she pulls it together, turns to look at him, watching as he descends from the great rock and makes his way over to her. Her heart threatens to beat out of her chest, wildly declaring that she is still very much in love with him. Her eyes flick to the wounds on his pelt and she frowns, her stomach twisting with guilt. If she had decided to go to Sky Clan, to leave her family behind could she have protected him in the battle they had fought against Wind? Her head is always swarming with what-ifs and this particular instance is no exception. She wants to ask him if he had lost another life but she is not certain she wants to hear the answer, though she's certain she does already.

She smiles weakly back at him when he says that they could still be friends. "I-" she starts then stops, clearing her throat of the grief that threatened to spill out into her voice "I would like that a lot" she tells him. "Burnpaw and Moonpaw are doing good, sometimes I worry about them, the grief of loss is.. a lot for everyone. They are still struggling with it" as am I she adds silently, not daring to admit such a thing out loud otherwise she risks the pain all over again, risks crying and breaking down in front of a cat who could no longer comfort her as he had used to. She is happy to hear about Fireflypaw and Howlpaw though, happy to recieve news that they are thriving in their new clan. Fireflypaw especially, what an honor to get to train as the clans medicine cat. She nods her head in response to his question "I am very proud of all of our kits, Dawnglare has made an exceptional choice" she says but its clear in her voice her mind is elsewhere, focused on something else.

An internal battle plays out in her head. If she tells him she is expecting is that selfish of her? Would she be forcing the burden of knowledge on him that he would have other kits out in the world, ones he would never get to have a relationship with? Or is it more selfish to keep it from him? Hoarding the knowledge just to protect his feelings. In the end, she asks herself what she would want in his paw steps and she makes the decision.

"Blazestar I'm-" she begins to speak but falters. Her green eyes had been focused on the earth beneath her until now, now she forces herself to look up and focus on his face when she talks, searching his sky-blue eyes. For what? She is not totally certain. "I'm pregnant" It comes out suddenly and then she is pouring out her heart to him "I'm pregnant and I feel terrible because I want these kits to know their father, I do. But that's not possible, we both know it's not and the new warrior code and oh" she feels so bad, so so bad. "No one will know they are yours except my mother,and it hurts because it's not what I want but its necessary to protect them, to protect us" how she wishes it weren't so "I'll still tell them about you though, they'll know their father through stories about a great, noble, and kind cat who is far away and can't be with them but wishes he could and I wish I could do more but" she's spilling it all out now, trying desperately not to cry. Her eyes swim though, tears are just bellow the surface but she holds them in as she awaits the inevitable heartbreak this news is sure to cause him. Kits that he would never get to know, that he would have to watch grow up from afar. She is not sure if she would be able to handle it if she were him.
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[BLAZESTAR]

Blazestar can see how hard it is for her, too, to stand and speak like cats who don't know one another. Cats who are now pretending they did not share their secrets, spill their souls into the aether, who still share one heart. He smiles sadly at her. "Burnpaw and Moonpaw are doing good. Sometimes I worry about them, the grief of loss is... a lot for everyone. They are still struggling with it."

"Fireflypaw and Howlpaw, too," he murmurs. "And I wasn't there for them. Not like I should have been. It's taken me... some time, to be able to breathe again." He hands his head, letting the silken scarf of his neck ruff drift over his chest.

Little Wolf says she's proud of all of their kits, that Dawnglare has made a good choice, but her thoughts are elsewhere, and Blazestar is just perceptive enough to notice. He tenses when she finally begins to speak again.

"Blazestar, I'm--" Heartbeats pass between them, separated by time, by Clan boundaries, by the warrior code. "I'm pregnant." What follows is a rush of words, and each one is like a fresh downpour of arctic rainwater. Pregnant. The joy he'd felt at her first pregnancy announcement is there, but a tiny flicker of heat that is doused by their unfortunate reality before he can truly let it burn.

Blazestar stares at her, his chest heavy, solid as though it's filled with gravel. She will mother more ThunderClan kits, and she will never tell them who their father is. Will never tell them he shares a border with them, so near. He will never be able to lay in the grass with these kits and let their needle teeth worry his tail, his ears, will never let them sink into the piles of soft Ragdoll fur as he tells them some story or another.

Little Wolf's green eyes gleam with tears, and Blazestar shakes his head gently at her. "Shh," he says, his heart breaking as he attempts to soothe her. "It's alright. This isn't your fault. You're going to be everything they need, and you'll raise them to be loyal to ThunderClan only. They'll never know... they'll never be forced to choose between their family."

He blinks away his own tears and he leans forward to kiss hers away. He doesn't care, in that moment, who sees him. "I'm so sorry," he whispers, and it's all he can do to stay upright. "I..." What else can he say? These kits will not be his, not really. They'll be ThunderClan's. He will never know them. Will never have a chance to.​

[ PENNED BY MARQUETTE ]​

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