- Jun 7, 2022
- 121
- 39
- 28
// cw: severe panic attack, derealization
Paws leaden, chest of rocks, head of thoughts that come and go- Honey's not sure if shes alive or dead right now, to be quite honest. Her heart beats but does that truly count to a cat who is alive, a cat who has lost everything and more? She saw the hatred in the other leaders eyes, the disdain, she saw her former leader Blazestar. She saw him, she saw the rage, she felt the pain. Despite being Windclan now, she had felt like throwing up when he had practically declared them an enemy. Her world has shattered tenfold this time and there was no saving grace. Her plans of escaping to a different clan, taking her children, trying to convince Dandelion to please just come with her, it's all gone. She can't keep up the smiles, she can't, she can't, she can't. Cats talk and she feels as if shes thirty miles away from them, plunged in to icy depths of constant fear of the future. Starclan had forsaken her.
Starclan had promised no more bloodshed. Starclan had made the wrong choice. Starclan was nothing but idiots. Perhaps now she understands what the dream Dandy spoke of was right. Windclan is also full of fools, too fucking scared of speaking up and unfortunately she is one of them. Complacent, idiotic Honeytwist whose heart was too big for her body, who brought children in to a clan full of brutes. She feels dizzy, she stumbles, she gags. She thinks of poor Melonpaw, whose little body was so prone to injury, who got sick so much like her brother Marigold, whose immune systems were failing them. She thinks of Lemonpaw, her sweet boy, teeth grit and grind together, her stomach begins to fill with the same ice her head is full of.
The camp is bustling with activity, cats are gossiping and by now shes sure everyone and their mothers know what had happened at the gathering. Honey is on the sideline in front of her den, staring at her paws, staring at paws that failed to protect everyone here. Failed to protect Kestrel, everyone. Theres nothing more that she wants right now than to bury herself between Bright and Pollen but she can't even look at them after Sootstar had clawed out Kestrels eye- did they think of her as the same fool she thought of herself?
Were they just as disappointed in her as the stars were?
Honey begins to sob, her body begins to shake and paws grip at her head. She falls halfway in to the entrance of her den as she tries to escape in to solitude. Everything is so, so loud, she sucks in a breath that catches in her throat and she opens her mouth in a scream that never leaves. She feels as if the world was ending and perhaps right then and there it really was, tear-stained cheeks, puffy eyes, she can't breathe, it hurts so bad, a lips part in a silent plead as she stares at the patch of unkept starry skies. She curses them, curses them for ever listening to them in the first place. Curses herself.
What a bunch of foolish sheep, and she had fallen right in to their trap. Shes convinced this is what they had wanted all along, to break her down so far, she can't. Claws grip and try to find any solitude, any earth she can dig them in to. Its fucking terrible.
She cant breathe.
Paws leaden, chest of rocks, head of thoughts that come and go- Honey's not sure if shes alive or dead right now, to be quite honest. Her heart beats but does that truly count to a cat who is alive, a cat who has lost everything and more? She saw the hatred in the other leaders eyes, the disdain, she saw her former leader Blazestar. She saw him, she saw the rage, she felt the pain. Despite being Windclan now, she had felt like throwing up when he had practically declared them an enemy. Her world has shattered tenfold this time and there was no saving grace. Her plans of escaping to a different clan, taking her children, trying to convince Dandelion to please just come with her, it's all gone. She can't keep up the smiles, she can't, she can't, she can't. Cats talk and she feels as if shes thirty miles away from them, plunged in to icy depths of constant fear of the future. Starclan had forsaken her.
Starclan had promised no more bloodshed. Starclan had made the wrong choice. Starclan was nothing but idiots. Perhaps now she understands what the dream Dandy spoke of was right. Windclan is also full of fools, too fucking scared of speaking up and unfortunately she is one of them. Complacent, idiotic Honeytwist whose heart was too big for her body, who brought children in to a clan full of brutes. She feels dizzy, she stumbles, she gags. She thinks of poor Melonpaw, whose little body was so prone to injury, who got sick so much like her brother Marigold, whose immune systems were failing them. She thinks of Lemonpaw, her sweet boy, teeth grit and grind together, her stomach begins to fill with the same ice her head is full of.
The camp is bustling with activity, cats are gossiping and by now shes sure everyone and their mothers know what had happened at the gathering. Honey is on the sideline in front of her den, staring at her paws, staring at paws that failed to protect everyone here. Failed to protect Kestrel, everyone. Theres nothing more that she wants right now than to bury herself between Bright and Pollen but she can't even look at them after Sootstar had clawed out Kestrels eye- did they think of her as the same fool she thought of herself?
Were they just as disappointed in her as the stars were?
Honey begins to sob, her body begins to shake and paws grip at her head. She falls halfway in to the entrance of her den as she tries to escape in to solitude. Everything is so, so loud, she sucks in a breath that catches in her throat and she opens her mouth in a scream that never leaves. She feels as if the world was ending and perhaps right then and there it really was, tear-stained cheeks, puffy eyes, she can't breathe, it hurts so bad, a lips part in a silent plead as she stares at the patch of unkept starry skies. She curses them, curses them for ever listening to them in the first place. Curses herself.
What a bunch of foolish sheep, and she had fallen right in to their trap. Shes convinced this is what they had wanted all along, to break her down so far, she can't. Claws grip and try to find any solitude, any earth she can dig them in to. Its fucking terrible.
She cant breathe.
"speech"
