- Aug 18, 2022
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- 185
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DON'T YOU GIVE ME UP, PLEASE DON'T GIVE UP
cw: self doubt/dread/loathing. these are ALL ic opinions! chilledstar has their own ideas on how they're perceived that mostly come from how they perceive themself. they do not actually have any proof that some cats may or may not hate them. this is simply self loathing / mental illness!! //
there is an overwhelming feeling of dread that sits in the pits of their stomach. it's been there for a while, but like a dragon in the back of a dark cave, it's finally awoken from a slumber. it stands and makes its way through the tunnels, crawling up and out and making itself known. it's eyes glow with self doubt, and teeth gleam with hatred. this was a dragon of bad emotions, and it was ready to be freed from its containment. the shackles had finally dissolved enough to be broken, and now it was time for a show.
chilledstar felt it coming. from the moment they died, to the next feeling of uncertainty, they knew that this was not something they could easily solve by locking it within the vault. they can't hold back any longer. their emotions were always a pot waiting to boil, but a wooden spoon could only do so much when the heat was on high. they sat outside of the camp, sitting on guard. they were alone, and this was when the worst of their thoughts seemed to surface beyond what they could stop. like little wisps of negativity, they try to ignore but it can't be done. with each whisper, the thoughts get more loud and clear. stars above, they needed to get out of here. they stood, taking but a few steps and running into an npc warrior.
"take over guarding. have a buddy. i need to go hunting."
the cat almost speaks up in an attempt to stop their leader from doing such things alone, but chilledstar is gone before they can gather their words together. they don't even dare to look back, either. they needed simply to be alone. they didn't want to hear how they should be resting, or how the clan needed them. how could they possibly face their clan when they didn't know what to do? all they wanted was to sink away, to allow the dragon what it wanted and let it take over from now on. but it wasn't logical. they needed to be logical, and in order to get some sense... they took a deep breath and continued to be by themselves.
after some time, they found themself at the burnt sycamore. their brows furrowed at the very stench of bears, but it was one that was long since stale. nothing had been here for quite some time and that was just perfect. they hid themself behind the trunk of the tree, pressing their paws against the scored bark and allowing themself to just lay down. they needed to rest, and at least away from everyone, the whispers weren't so loud.
--
their brain felt fuzzy. they woke up in a seemingly cold sweat but it was clear they were not awake at all. as they stood, they found themself face to face with themself. their brows furrowed, as it was almost a reflection except it seemed... flipped. when they moved their right paw, so did the reflection, causing a very odd cross. it wasn't like normal reflections at all. and this cats eyes... there was no light within them. not even a speck. what was going on?
"you're not me."
they insist.
"yes i am. i am the you brought on by all your silly little insecurities that you continue to push down and away. i'm the you that festers and eats away at any good feeling you may have because you refuse to address me. i'm you, alright."
they scrunched their nose before just rolling their eyes.
"well you're here for some reason. what the fuck do you want?"
"i want you to understand just how worthless you truly are. you spend all your time looking after a clan that doesnt even care about you. do you really think they'd care if you'd lost all your lifes? they'd simply move on to the next and you'd be but a gust in the wind. forgotten and unloved. oh… but that look on your face. you care about what they think, don't you? even when they don't care about you?"
chilledstar paused. that was true. they did care about what others think, in spite of what they might have said. words attached to them like ticks, slowly feeding off of them until eventually they'd just shrivel away and die. they couldn't help it. they wanted to not care. they wanted to be better. but when it felt like the world was against them, how could they? their tail lashed before they just breathed out a sigh.
"that doesn't matter at all. they are just… tired. shadowclan's never really been in starclan's graces. why would they care so much when i could be gone just as easy as pitchstar and briarstar? "
"no, darling, you misunderstand. they aren't doing themselves a service by pretending not to care about you. they simply do not. why would they? you're weak. you always have been. too weak to stand up to your father. too weak to save your mother. too weak to properly care for others. need i remind you how often you retreat to your own corner every time someone hurts your feelings? or are you still trying to convince yourself that you don't actually care?"
chilledstar flinched. they didn't need to be reminded of anything! they never have forgotten the way that their father makes them feel. they never forget the amount of times they've been misgendered by him, and clanmates alike and how easy it is for them to simply shut down. they hear every insult about their clan and choose to lock it away because they don't want to lash out but what was that doing for them? they didn't know how to do this. they had no clue who they were, any longer. they're not sure they've ever known.
"oh, poor poor chilledkit. you never got the kit name but it seems more fitting than chilledstar, hm? sulking in your corner. boo hoo, woah is me, the world doesn't care about little old me. "
"i- that's not what i… you don't know me! you don't know what goes on in my head and why i—"
they're cut off as the reflection hits them, and they stumble back. they reached to touch their now bleeding cheek before they pull their lip back in a frustrated frown.
"notice how you didn't correct me. chilledkit. perfect name for a tail tucked coward of a leader. you pretend to be better than you are when in reality, you know that no one gives a rat's tail what happens. you're replaceable. you always have been. i'm sure smogmaw is absolutely tingling with anticipation for the day you just drop dead."
they don't know what to say. they squeezed their eyes shut, trying to drown out the words but it's not helping. they only get louder and louder, making them anxious and uneasy.
"no. my name is not chilledkit. I've never been chilledkit. i am chilledstar. i am the leader of shadowclan, as the stars have blessed me so."
they hiss, slowly peeling their eyes open as their claws dig into the ground with a rough lash of their tail. this reflection would not win. self doubt was strong, but they're not winning this fight. not this time. not today. they feel themselves being pinned to the ground, a paw roughly pressing into their throat. claws gripped their skin, and they can't move for a moment.
"just admit it. admit that you're not fit for the job. admit that you are a failure."
they growled, kicking the other off and rolling into their stomach and hopping back onto their paws. they lowered themself to the ground before lunging forward, using their weight to tumble over them, forcing them on the ground beneath them. they shoved their muzzle to the cold dirt, hissing in their face.
"i will not admit a single fucking thing! you're wrong! i have not failed and i do not plan to fail my clan! you can take all those doubt and shove them! i am chilledstar. i am the leader of this damned clan, and stars help me i will remain as such until the day my last life is ripped from this body! and you– you will remain quiet! and just to be sure you have nothing else to say to me,"
chilledstar lifted their paw, slashing down their claws across the others throat, watching as the blood spilled from them. they stepped back, looking at the very embodiment of self doubt. no doubt that that thing would return, but for now, they could feel confidence in their chest. they needed not to listen to all the different ways that their brain casted uncertainty within them. they knew what they were and how they needed to be. they did not, nor would they start, cry over spilt milk.
"they can feel however they want about me. so long as they remain loyal and keep their mouths shut. if they cannot appreciate what it is that i do for them, then they can either challenge me, or they can leave with their tail tucked and go into any of those kit led clans. it won't work out for them. that's for sure."
they rolled their shoulders, gently touching their paw to their bleeding wound. they sighed out with agitation, before their tail lashed.
"I won't st…stay down… forever…. s-soon you will hear me… once more… and you will know just how… u-useless you… are…"
"if you're going to make me doubt myself, next time be a bit more original. my father says these things often enough."
and with that, they woke up.
–
they looked around frantically, brows furrowing as their paw reached for their neck, only to find no blood. nothing but a scar from the mother bear that killed them many moonrises ago. they closed their eyes with a grunt before standing up. they had their rest. they had a camp to clean, and a clan to lead. there was no time for this sulking bullshit. they could be emotional in the confinement of their own den– when the clan finally was put together.
there is an overwhelming feeling of dread that sits in the pits of their stomach. it's been there for a while, but like a dragon in the back of a dark cave, it's finally awoken from a slumber. it stands and makes its way through the tunnels, crawling up and out and making itself known. it's eyes glow with self doubt, and teeth gleam with hatred. this was a dragon of bad emotions, and it was ready to be freed from its containment. the shackles had finally dissolved enough to be broken, and now it was time for a show.
chilledstar felt it coming. from the moment they died, to the next feeling of uncertainty, they knew that this was not something they could easily solve by locking it within the vault. they can't hold back any longer. their emotions were always a pot waiting to boil, but a wooden spoon could only do so much when the heat was on high. they sat outside of the camp, sitting on guard. they were alone, and this was when the worst of their thoughts seemed to surface beyond what they could stop. like little wisps of negativity, they try to ignore but it can't be done. with each whisper, the thoughts get more loud and clear. stars above, they needed to get out of here. they stood, taking but a few steps and running into an npc warrior.
"take over guarding. have a buddy. i need to go hunting."
the cat almost speaks up in an attempt to stop their leader from doing such things alone, but chilledstar is gone before they can gather their words together. they don't even dare to look back, either. they needed simply to be alone. they didn't want to hear how they should be resting, or how the clan needed them. how could they possibly face their clan when they didn't know what to do? all they wanted was to sink away, to allow the dragon what it wanted and let it take over from now on. but it wasn't logical. they needed to be logical, and in order to get some sense... they took a deep breath and continued to be by themselves.
after some time, they found themself at the burnt sycamore. their brows furrowed at the very stench of bears, but it was one that was long since stale. nothing had been here for quite some time and that was just perfect. they hid themself behind the trunk of the tree, pressing their paws against the scored bark and allowing themself to just lay down. they needed to rest, and at least away from everyone, the whispers weren't so loud.
--
their brain felt fuzzy. they woke up in a seemingly cold sweat but it was clear they were not awake at all. as they stood, they found themself face to face with themself. their brows furrowed, as it was almost a reflection except it seemed... flipped. when they moved their right paw, so did the reflection, causing a very odd cross. it wasn't like normal reflections at all. and this cats eyes... there was no light within them. not even a speck. what was going on?
"you're not me."
they insist.
"yes i am. i am the you brought on by all your silly little insecurities that you continue to push down and away. i'm the you that festers and eats away at any good feeling you may have because you refuse to address me. i'm you, alright."
they scrunched their nose before just rolling their eyes.
"well you're here for some reason. what the fuck do you want?"
"i want you to understand just how worthless you truly are. you spend all your time looking after a clan that doesnt even care about you. do you really think they'd care if you'd lost all your lifes? they'd simply move on to the next and you'd be but a gust in the wind. forgotten and unloved. oh… but that look on your face. you care about what they think, don't you? even when they don't care about you?"
chilledstar paused. that was true. they did care about what others think, in spite of what they might have said. words attached to them like ticks, slowly feeding off of them until eventually they'd just shrivel away and die. they couldn't help it. they wanted to not care. they wanted to be better. but when it felt like the world was against them, how could they? their tail lashed before they just breathed out a sigh.
"that doesn't matter at all. they are just… tired. shadowclan's never really been in starclan's graces. why would they care so much when i could be gone just as easy as pitchstar and briarstar? "
"no, darling, you misunderstand. they aren't doing themselves a service by pretending not to care about you. they simply do not. why would they? you're weak. you always have been. too weak to stand up to your father. too weak to save your mother. too weak to properly care for others. need i remind you how often you retreat to your own corner every time someone hurts your feelings? or are you still trying to convince yourself that you don't actually care?"
chilledstar flinched. they didn't need to be reminded of anything! they never have forgotten the way that their father makes them feel. they never forget the amount of times they've been misgendered by him, and clanmates alike and how easy it is for them to simply shut down. they hear every insult about their clan and choose to lock it away because they don't want to lash out but what was that doing for them? they didn't know how to do this. they had no clue who they were, any longer. they're not sure they've ever known.
"oh, poor poor chilledkit. you never got the kit name but it seems more fitting than chilledstar, hm? sulking in your corner. boo hoo, woah is me, the world doesn't care about little old me. "
"i- that's not what i… you don't know me! you don't know what goes on in my head and why i—"
they're cut off as the reflection hits them, and they stumble back. they reached to touch their now bleeding cheek before they pull their lip back in a frustrated frown.
"notice how you didn't correct me. chilledkit. perfect name for a tail tucked coward of a leader. you pretend to be better than you are when in reality, you know that no one gives a rat's tail what happens. you're replaceable. you always have been. i'm sure smogmaw is absolutely tingling with anticipation for the day you just drop dead."
they don't know what to say. they squeezed their eyes shut, trying to drown out the words but it's not helping. they only get louder and louder, making them anxious and uneasy.
"no. my name is not chilledkit. I've never been chilledkit. i am chilledstar. i am the leader of shadowclan, as the stars have blessed me so."
they hiss, slowly peeling their eyes open as their claws dig into the ground with a rough lash of their tail. this reflection would not win. self doubt was strong, but they're not winning this fight. not this time. not today. they feel themselves being pinned to the ground, a paw roughly pressing into their throat. claws gripped their skin, and they can't move for a moment.
"just admit it. admit that you're not fit for the job. admit that you are a failure."
they growled, kicking the other off and rolling into their stomach and hopping back onto their paws. they lowered themself to the ground before lunging forward, using their weight to tumble over them, forcing them on the ground beneath them. they shoved their muzzle to the cold dirt, hissing in their face.
"i will not admit a single fucking thing! you're wrong! i have not failed and i do not plan to fail my clan! you can take all those doubt and shove them! i am chilledstar. i am the leader of this damned clan, and stars help me i will remain as such until the day my last life is ripped from this body! and you– you will remain quiet! and just to be sure you have nothing else to say to me,"
chilledstar lifted their paw, slashing down their claws across the others throat, watching as the blood spilled from them. they stepped back, looking at the very embodiment of self doubt. no doubt that that thing would return, but for now, they could feel confidence in their chest. they needed not to listen to all the different ways that their brain casted uncertainty within them. they knew what they were and how they needed to be. they did not, nor would they start, cry over spilt milk.
"they can feel however they want about me. so long as they remain loyal and keep their mouths shut. if they cannot appreciate what it is that i do for them, then they can either challenge me, or they can leave with their tail tucked and go into any of those kit led clans. it won't work out for them. that's for sure."
they rolled their shoulders, gently touching their paw to their bleeding wound. they sighed out with agitation, before their tail lashed.
"I won't st…stay down… forever…. s-soon you will hear me… once more… and you will know just how… u-useless you… are…"
"if you're going to make me doubt myself, next time be a bit more original. my father says these things often enough."
and with that, they woke up.
–
they looked around frantically, brows furrowing as their paw reached for their neck, only to find no blood. nothing but a scar from the mother bear that killed them many moonrises ago. they closed their eyes with a grunt before standing up. they had their rest. they had a camp to clean, and a clan to lead. there was no time for this sulking bullshit. they could be emotional in the confinement of their own den– when the clan finally was put together.
