if thine is the glory, mine must be the shame // Sabletuft

[Sunnyday]

☀ - WHILST MY HEART STILL BEATS
// @S A B L E T U F T

The rain came down and saturated the landscape all around in a sudden gush that had almost seemingly come out of nowhere. Most would be smart enough to hole themselves away the moment it happened, but a lone figure pressed on through the downpour and ascended onto the inky blackness that was the thunderpath. The feline scoured its surface with a goal in mind, and soon it found something of interest. Plucking the form of a deceased rabbit up, a victim of a thunderpath monster, the feline hurried off of the hard surface. Sliding down the verge, the tom then prowled through the haze until he located the tunnel that led under the thunderpath itself. It provided the tom with shelter from the rain, but he also hoped that it would give him a viable location to meet a certain ShadowClanner. If the ShadowClanner was going about that is.

Sunnyday tried to lick his fur clean as he sat by the rabbit's body, though it was proving somewhat futile given the poor state his fur had fallen into. A lot had happened in the past few weeks since their last encounter and he was frankly itching to just be near someone who wasn't another ThunderClanner. Hell, Chilledstar could rock up at that moment and it would still be better company in Sunnyday's opinion. But he was holding out hope that it would be Sabletuft.
​

 

[S A B L E T U F T]

can we leave it behind? — Traversing the Thunderpath hadn't been a common trip as he wanted it to be anymore. Often did Sabletuft feel tempted to stop by and lurk on ShadowClan's side, just to see if his stranger-friend had been there recently. His new duties had kept him from tempting the visit, though. A sudden apprentice while his original mentor left for the nursery, an apprentice that was old enough to be graduating very soon. Sabletuft admittedly felt hopeless with Loampaw, if only because he refused to have high opes for him. For everything he had done. Had caused.

It was time the two had some space, if just for a day. He needed distance from the string of tension the two created, neither backing down like stubborn bulls.

Of course he volunteered to occupy the ThunderClan border. He half hoped the ginger tom was there, but wondered how much pleasant company he would be with how sour the past few weeks had been for him. Sabletuft traversed the muggy terrain, head heavy with his thoughts as he came upon the Thunderpath at last. The rain did nothing for the scent of the pavement, still acrid and cutting. Beneath all of that though, he could detect something else. It was faint, so much he surprised himself for even finding it. He structured the scent path from where he was, trying to find where his stranger-friend had gone. There was an approach onto the path itself, then... ah. He was in the tunnel.

Sabletuft didn't bother making his approach sneaky as he poked his head down to ensure it was Sunnyday before going down further. "Kept your word." The old tom mused as he glanced down at the rabbit. He settled just a pace away, keeping his tail over his paws. Water dripped from his whiskers, but Sabletuft didn't appear bothered by the rain. Though he did appear concerned of how the ThunderClanner looked so... rugged. "Are they working you to your grave over there? I figured two apprentices was too much, did they add a third?" — tags​

 

[Sunnyday]

☀ - WHILST MY HEART STILL BEATS
Hearing the approach of another animal the tom lifted his head and peered in the direction of ShadowClan's side of the tunnel, all the while holding onto his breath. Then came the sight of familiar features and he let the breath go as a wave of relief washed over him. Perhaps for the first time in far too long he actually smiled with genuineness as he stared at Sabletuft. "Heh! As if I would forget." He replied in a raspy voice that hadn't been used all that much in recent days.

However his smile faded as attention was drawn to his less than stellar condition and he took the time to shift himself into a new sitting position that was less taxing on his hip. It gave him time to consider his answer but ultimately he decided to just be honest about the situation he had gotten himself into. Who else was he going to be able to confide in anyway? "No. But I did... I did something bad and now I'm facing the consequences of my actions and decisions." His gaze was on that of his paws at first but he slowly brought his focus towards that of the other tom, and his eyes reflected nothing but sadness and regrets. "I had both of my apprentices taken away, and I now live alone outside the camp. I don't particularly feel comfortable sleeping among my peers these days. It's all my fault too."

The rabbit by his paws laid untouched and if he was frank he doubted he could muster the strength to even eat it. He was starving but the willingness to eat simply wasn't there. "My apprentices both wanted to be part of the fight for Sunningrocks, I denied them the chance. I didn't agree with the battle, and I didn't feel that they were ready either. Tensions between us only seemed to get worse, so I got... I got the stupid idea that I'd give them a taste of combat. I only meant to scare them, give a few bruises and scratches but nothing severe. It went wrong so fast and I accidentally dislocated Sandpaw's leg. I called it off, got her the help she needed immediately. But... yeah, they're not mine anymore."

The tom turned away from the ShadowClanner and he huddled in on himself, somehow turning his large form into something so much smaller. "S-sorry, that was a lot to dump on you before I even bothered saying 'hello'. I just... I dunno, I just needed to-" Something more than simple rain drops began to roll down his face in that moment and he reached a paw up to brush away the tears. He was beginning to feel utterly pathetic now. If Sabletuft turned and ran he definitely wouldn't blame him. "S-sorry, I just-... I haven't really got anyone who I can talk to anymore."
​

 

[S A B L E T U F T]

can we leave it behind? — It had been a while since he heard the friendly tone of the ThunderClanners voice. Despite his frazzled appearance, his smile still lit up his whole face. Even in the shade of the tunnels. Sabletuft didn't smile back, not used to greeting even his friends in such a way, but gave the gift of a pleasant hum at his words. So he had been anticipating their next visit just as much as the tuxedo. Something about that made him... happier to see him. It was a mutual enjoyment, even if he didn't say it so clearly himself.

What he wasn't expecting was for that joyful demeanor to drop so suddenly. Even before, while Sunnyday had some bitter opinions to share he had still maintained a positive attitude throughout. The dark tom kept his muzzle shut, inching a bit closer to the other. He gently pawed the rabbit to come evenly between them, and just as before, began the first cut. It was a good excuse for his horrible habit of not making eye contact. Especially preparing for the discouraged warrior's explanation. Sabletuft listened intently as he idly kept his eyes on the rabbit, movements slow to show he wasn't ignoring him.

Sunnyday had done something bad? He withheld his initial shock- he didn't know this warrior well from one conversation. He couldn't make the assumption that he wasn't capable of mistakes, or that he was unlikely to be in poor sights of his leader. After all he had said before, he wasn't a typical ThunderClanner. And maybe that was what caught him in trouble- not conforming to Howlingstar's expectations. Sabletuft briefly met Sunnyday's gaze as he revealed that he was no longer a mentor at all. Even more, he ousted himself from the warriors den.

"What could-" He began to interject, but the ThunderClanner did not hesitate to explain further. He remembered the Sunningrocks battle was a painpoint before. A decision he didn't agree on. Still remaining honorable in the way Emberstar had taught him, Sabletuft assumed. It only made sense to also assume his apprentices did not attend without their mentor. Of course rowdy children would be upset they couldn't play with the bigger warriors. They weren't prepared. Sabletuft silently agreed. Sunnyday's intentions sounded closely to his own for Loampaw, but couldn't help but acknowledge the other had gone too far. Loampaw didn't endure enough injury to keep him out of training like Sandpaw probably had.

Still he remained quiet as Sunnyday turned away, awkwardly twitching the tip of his tail. He wasn't quite sure what to do. The last time he had cried on front of anyone was long, long ago. Probably before he and Rye had even left for the marshes.

What had he done when Rye cried to him though? She always cried so loud, something she made fun of herself for. But she always quieted down when he pulled her closer to him. He wasn't so sure if Sunnyday would take that from a ShadowClanner though. "I'm sure you didn't share this with me to face the same judgement your Clanmates are giving you." He lifted a paw and gently touched the warriors side, just briefly. "You recognize you did something wrong. There are plenty of warriors, even some leaders, who are incapable of even doing that." He glanced at the rabbit between them and pushed it away, shuffling closer to Sunnyday. "But if you hold onto this forever, so will they. You can earn your place again. Howlingstar obviously let you stay so you can make your amends."— tags​

 

[Sunnyday]

☀ - WHILST MY HEART STILL BEATS
The golden tom hadn't even noticed that Sabletuft had come closer until he felt the paw touching his side. He didn't flinch away however, though he was momentarily surprised by the gesture. The tom listened to what the ShadowClanner had to say but he found himself unable to draw upon any form of peace when it came to the strife warring inside his mind and heart. "ThunderClan doesn't forget, they won't allow me to forget." Already he had experienced just that whenever sneers and jabs were openly made about his former feelings for Cinderfrost. She was gone, he had tried to move on, but still it was brought up time and time again.

"I have my doubts about earning my place again, they'll always call me a traitor and a monster. I don't know why Howlingstar is keeping me around, though I suspect it's so I act like some sort of warning to every new warrior rising up in the clan." So many others had been so ready to drive him out, one even looked ready to kill. Why he had been allowed to stay remained an utter mystery to him, and honestly he was about ready to walk away entirely on his own accord. "They didn't like my kind heart, they despise the rage that came from it... I can't do anything right." Being any part of himself simply wasn't working, which was perhaps why he had fallen hard into not being himself at all. Making himself purposefully numb and submissive just seemed like the only option he had left.

"I'm scared to do or say anything now." He was paranoid that his clanmates would be angling for any final reason to be allowed to let loose upon him. No amount of apologising would save him, it wouldn't fix anything now. He felt like every part of himself was being scrutinised and watched, that if he let slip a single thing they would twist it further into the narrative that he was a constantly violent beast who sought to see ThunderClan burn. Just thinking about it made him feel sick.

He was spiralling at that moment as his mind rushed with every horrible scenario that potentially awaited him in the future. It wasn't until on a whim that he lifted his head just enough in order to look at the other tom who was next to him, now so much closer than before, that he found a strange little island of tranquillity. A slither of calm, and it was enough to settle his breathing and rushing thoughts. Though now he was left to contest with a new urge; the desire to nestle in close with the other tom. Sunnyday eyed Sabletuft's shoulder with an unusual longing, though he mustered the strength to remain rooted in place. "I find it strange that I'm not scared to open to you." He really should in truth, but yet here he was opening up with a level of ease that it even surprised him. "I'm really sorry about all of this."
​

 

[S A B L E T U F T]

can we leave it behind? — His attempt to soothe the tom had felt... fruitless. As comforting as his words had been, as much as he tried to reassure and provide even a solution to, it didn't seem to be any helpful to how Sunnyday still felt. He could only imagine how long, lonely and hopeless that path looked for him back home. To be socially excommunicated, only remaining by the graces of a leader. It must have felt like a mockery to keep him around. Sunnyday might be right, Howlingstar could just be harboring him as a warning. A lesson learned that even a senior warrior, one as skilled and tenured as him, was not immune to the wrath of punishment. Just short of having his title stripped away. Just short of being abandoned entirely.

Chilledstar might be more merciful than that, Sabletuft thought. He would assume an exile or downright murder for going against their message, the Clan, would be the go-to solution. He could only imagine what kind of treatment he would receive if they got caught under the Thunderpath- no, he quickly discarded the thought. He would be careful. Now was not the time to ponder over that.

Sunnyday's fears were enough to make him concerned. He hadn't heard this sort of behavior from ThunderClan. Of course, he always found the bunch to be showboating, holier-than-thou types. But more importantly he had only ever seen them as a solid unit. A Clan that prided themselves on treating one another like family first. If they were acting so coldly toward Sunnyday, he wondered how much longer he would have ThunderClan to call home. How long until one of their ranks had enough of him lingering around? Would they go that far against him?

Sabletuft decided to change his tact with comforting Sunnyday. He simply listened instead of pressuring there be a solution to it all. That if he did this or that it would all go away. Instead he only nodded slowly, accepting his concerns. Accepting how afraid he was.

"Is it, given your circumstance?" He felt it was fair. If no one in ThunderClan was lending support during this time, it sounded right to seek it somewhere else. "You don't have to be." The dark tom reassured as he laid his tail over Sunnyday's. "You're not some mindless beast in my eyes. We all have limits. We all have that boundary... we cross it. But that doesn't mean you can't come back. Even if it's not the same." Sabletuft's tone is sincere.

"We don't have to keep talking about it unless you want to. I'm here to listen. Or we can take the moment to enjoy ourselves and not think about what awaits us at home." He reached over to pull the rabbit closer. "I would like to enjoy this together this time. If you'd indulge me."— tags​

 

[Sunnyday]

☀ - WHILST MY HEART STILL BEATS
The tom glanced back at the meeting of their tails as if needing to confirm that the contact was really happening. As gruff and rough as the ShadowClanner looked in terms of appearance alone it was evident that there was a softer and more understanding side to him. Looks could be deceiving, and Sunnyday was damned thankful for it. The tip of his tail curled upwards as he tried to keep Sabletuft's own tail close, attempting to hold it in some form. "Thank you." It might not be the cure-all outcome but it was something. It was easier for him to process anyway and didn't push particular ideas like Crowflower's attempt. She had given it her all, no fault there, but it hadn't been the right one for him.

The option to move on from the subject was offered and Sunnyday was content to press on from the gritty topic. He had managed to spill his guts and he honestly felt a little better from doing so. "I think I'm ready to eat." He replied as he raised a paw to wipe his eyes clean before he looked to the rabbit as it was brought closer. "Together? That sounds nice." Fortunately it had already been split open earlier so he was able to get right to claiming the heart. Once he had it he didn't move away like the time before, but rather he found himself sticking close to the other feline as he shared in both the meal and the heat that came from the other.

"So... how are things with yourself? I trust nothing quite as hectic as what I've been through." By StarClan he hoped not! He licked the blood from his lips as he waited for a response before he picked at a little more of the rabbit. He doubted he would be capable of getting through too much, but at the very least he was finally getting something down.
​

 

[S A B L E T U F T]

can we leave it behind? — That's what a friend is for. The words nearly tip off his tongue. Close enough that he could clearly hear him saying it in his own head. He doesn't want to speak out loud about what this is, what they are. Sunnyday, as personal as he had quickly become, was still just a stranger-friend in the darker toms eyes. A sudden rush of poor events had befallen the ThunderClanner in recent days, and Sabletuft was giving the kindness of allowing him to be vulnerable. But he doesn't think he could consider him a friend yet, at least, he didn't think that would be right.

He knew nothing of the ginger cat before that first day. Not anything except where his loyalty was placed. He didn't know Sunnyday to a degree that he could appropriately judge him for anything, not only that, their friendship would... complicate things. If he admitted he saw them as friends, it would be over, right? It would be admittance of breaking the first code set on the Clans.

"Have a taste for hearts?" He mused after noticing from last time. He took his turn with the next bite, teetering his head back and forth in a 'sort of' motion while his mouth was full. "Not as hectic, no." He sound around a mouthful before swallowing. "One of our warriors, her apprentice was reassigned to me while she stays in the nursery. Him and I... we don't get along much at all. Hard to train him when he's just been coddled his entire training." He left out how Loampaw had been tied to Rye's death, if only to save the mood.

"Otherwise though things have been... good. I think it's getting better, actually. A lot has changed since the beginnings of the Clan's. and it's becoming easier to adapt with. To accept what's happened to get here." Sabletuft found he had, at some point, gently leaned into Sunnyday's side while taking another piece of the rabbit, but didn't move away. It was quite cold in the tunnel, and the other didn't seem to protest. "It felt very dark... for a long time."— tags​

 

[Sunnyday]

☀ - WHILST MY HEART STILL BEATS
"I guess I do." Sunnyday rumbled in response as he thought about it. Though when it came to issues relating to his ability to eat it somewhat made sense to consume the most nutritional cuts first. Heart, kidneys, liver; all the more highly sought after bites. He might have moved onto claiming the liver already if the access had been available. For the time being he made do with chewing on the current mouthful and savouring the flavour whilst he listened to the other tom speak.

"I suppose I should say congrats to ShadowClan for having kits on the way. Though I am unsure whether I should congratulate or offer sympathies to you in regards to gaining an apprentice." A sparkle of amusement danced in his eyes as he looked at Sabletuft. A part of him found some dark humour in the idea of him losing apprentices and the other gaining one. Though the story about rough relations was one he knew all too well himself. "I see. Yeah, I understand how it can be when you struggle to get along with them. Just don't do what I did and you'll be fine. It's just a matter of giving it time."

Sunnyday wished he could share in the idea that things were getting better. Yes, it was good that the worst of the rockier road was behind them, but some of the laws that had come to be only served to frustrate and trap him. Though perhaps with more time he could come to adapt more accordingly. The tom, who had been formerly crouching, now stretched himself upwards with a low grunt as his muscles throbbed in protest, all the while ensuring that the close contact wasn't lost. Between the pair of them he was finally able to feel warm, and more importantly safe. "I'm glad to hear that you feel that way." He wasn't sure what else to say in truth, though he could empathise with Sabletuft all the same. "Hopefully things will continue to get better... for the both of us."

The tom let his eyes close as he savoured the peace he had been given in that moment, now a stark contrast to the whirlwind of emotions that he had been suffering only a short time earlier. He had needed this more than he had realised. Slowly his eyes opened once more and he looked down at Sabletuft with a softer gaze. "I know my recent actions might reflect poorly on my ability, but if you ever have any questions about handling an apprentice I'd still be happy to answer them. Difficult apprentices can be... daunting."​

 

[S A B L E T U F T]

can we leave it behind? — "A blessing and a curse for sure." The tuxedo would grunt. Did he like kittens, genuinely? Maybe a little less than before, now that his patience was thinner. He enjoyed the little scraps the Smogmaw had managed, they were an interesting bunch. Halfshade was also clearly a good mother, given how he never saw her absent when they toddled around camp. He only wished kittens grew up faster so he wouldn't have to watch for tails beneath his paws for so long. Maybe, had he and Rye been more successful, he would have felt differently.

A small shrug rolled over his shoulders. Sabletuft hadn't been as aggressive with Loampaw, but he certainly was not kind. He certainly didn't return to camp looking like he had just had dealings with Sootstar, but maybe something closer to rolling through a brambles. He knew for sure, though, Loampaw wouldn't be graduating for any skill he thought worthy. It might purely be of pity.

His ears went flat in a moment of embarrassment. Had he been insensitive, he wondered? Not to include a wishful thought for Sunnyday with his own positive direction. "Yes, of course. At the very least, really the only way to go is up for you." It's sincere, coming from him.

The silence stretched between the pair, but Sabletuft enjoyed it. Taking turns with the rabbit, he made sure Sunnyday got all his favorite parts, keeping track of each he went for first. Then it was just quiet, resting against one another. Sabletuft had the moment to think. Without interruption, and without anticipation of interruption. He thought of how much he enjoyed being under the tunnels here, how nice it was to feel so far away, and how he already looked forward to their next time together.

Sunnyday's voice broke through the quiet, and Sabletuft met his blue gaze briefly. He nodded his head. It wasn't for any lack of his own skill Sunnyday lost his apprentices, he knew that. "If either of your apprentices had a permanent... physical condition, I'd love to hear anything that helped them succeed over that. I don't have only three good paws, training with how to use four has been rather useless." He didn't actually anticipate Sunnyday having an answer for that one.

"I think I better go before it's noticed how long I've been gone for." The rabbits long gone now, nothing to bring back home this time. He would have to collect something on the way back. "If... Gatherings aren't going to happen with either of us for some time, I think having one of our own each time would be nice." A planned invitation this time. At the very least, he could justify to himself they were only honoring the truce. tags​

 

[Sunnyday]

☀ - WHILST MY HEART STILL BEATS
The tom's ears pricked up somewhat as he listened to Sabletuft inquire about physical conditions and whether his former apprentices had any. He gently shook his head. "None of my apprentices have had physical conditions. But... I did raise a three-legged kit. I found him abandoned out in the wilds, he's now thriving in ThunderClan. In fact he is being mentored by Sunfreckle, the three-legged lead warrior." It was two examples that he was happy to reflect back on, especially since both individuals had more than proven themselves to be capable of thriving in their wild world.

"Once things have simmered down a little more back home I'll try asking them about their experiences. Hopefully next time we meet I will have some advice to give you about the matter." Sunfreckle seemed like the better option to speak with, especially since he still felt uneasy about approaching Shallowpaw after everything that had happened. Though he wouldn't lie, but staying away hurt. It truly did. Though that slither of grief was temporary as his spirits were sent soaring with Sabletuft's idea of them having their own little gatherings. A warm smile graced his features as he nodded in agreement with the idea. "I would very much like that." He purred before he leaned over to touch his nose to the ShadowClanner's shoulder in a friendly manner. "Until next time then, when the moon is high. And thank you for this, I actually feel better." He had needed this, he really had.

With an air of reluctance he then rose to his paws and began to head towards the tunnel's exit, though not without pausing to look back at the other tom. "Take care of yourself, my friend." With those parting words he then disappeared back into ThunderClan's territory.​