if you've left me some hope | little wolf

[Moonwhisper]

She would not be attending the gathering this moon if she could help it. Like a bad taste the memory of the last had not yet faded and she dreaded any future meetings with her SkyClan kin that might come. The gatherings were a place to meet other clans, hear news of their victories and strifes and to honor those who died in a battle fought long before she was born. But the Moonpaw they would only ever be torturous reminders of what had shattered her family into pieces. It was at a gathering that Emberstar decreed a new law as a penance that would only spare future cats the pain she would always carry her in heart, it was safety line drawn tight around every cat to hold them together yet she had long since been drifting further and further away. What did this law matter to her who had already paid the price in full? To her parents? To her siblings? Attempting to heal a wound after it had closed. The tortie point sighed, she knew it wasn't meant for them, for her, but it had been done to ensure a second tragedy never come to bare. Trips back and forth to SkyClan, laughing at how strange her father's medicine cat friend was-the one her sister had been named in honor of, learning to climb but to scared to go to high. It was all gone, she was no longer a kitten despite her yearning for the nursery that had long since faded now.
Moonpaw shook her fur out, the faint drizzle of rain from before layering everything in a light sheen but the winter's edge would freeze it over if she let it settle into her pelt; her return to camp with no prey for her hunting with Raccoonstripe was just another pricked nerve and she wondered if she was even worth training at this point. Kittypet blood weighing heavy in her veins, slowing her down behind her peers-when she saw her reflection she could see his thick fur and soft edges, that she was inheriting the pieces that might very well keep her lumbering behind her clanmates on clumsy paws.

Sometimes she wanted to cry for the sake of crying, over every tiny thing that upset her, but she could not even be allowed that for fear of being looked down upon. The SkyClan blood making her just another weakminded kittypet with no real aspirations. She'd watched Palelily bumble around camp, an ex-kittypet still barely managing and she feared that was what her future might look like...

- @LITTLE WOLF
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[LITTLE WOLF]

Being pregnant again was a difficult thing. The first time she had kits she had been constantly itching to get out of the nursery, to go back to contributing to her clan. She longs to feel mud between her toes, to smell the breeze drifting through the oaks which right now laid bare but would soon be sprouting new growth. The forest was healing, she was healing and she has hopes that her kits are too.

She is never quite certain when she looks at Burnpaw. Mostly the shadowy tom always seemed angry. But that’s to be expected. She rationalizes. It’s a normal reaction. With Moonpaw she is a little more worried. The tortie point hadn’t just lost a sister, but a twin. Little Wolf has yet to loose a sibling, much less a litter mate. She can only imagine. She shuts her eyes tight, trying to block out images of life without Hollow Tree. Her heart goes out to her children. She had lost a daughter but they had lost something more. A sister.

When she sees Moonpaw standing alone, gazing down at her paws in quiet contemplation, she does not go to her immediately. She studies her with gentle green eyes and tries to discern what might be running through her daughters head at the moment. She can’t help but wonder if Moonpaw is upset with her, like many of their clanmates are sure to be. It’s probably common knowledge by now that the kits she was carrying were Blazestar’s again. Who else’s would they be? But so far the only cat she had breathed a word to it about had been her mother. And Howling Wind had sworn they would be loved regardless. She wonders if Moonpaw is ashamed of her, wonders how she is coping with everything.

She makes her way on shadowy black paws to where her daughter sits and comes to a stop beside her, gently maneuvering herself to settle down next to her. "Hey kiddo" she purrs gently in way of greeting "Ill give you a mouse if you tell me what’s on your mind" she tries her best not to sound too prying, using the old turn of phrase she has always heard when she was younger.
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[Moonwhisper]

Her lack of focus meant she did not notice Little Wolf approach until her mother was all but sitting next to her and with a small jolt she raised her head to glance the queen over with unfocused blue eyes. Talking about her problems never seemed so easy, they felt too heavy to press upon another and surely her mother carried a far heavier weight on its own now. A quick, sharp glance moved to the molly's stomach, extended and far more noticable than it had been a week prior, but she quickly averted her gaze to not linger; hoping the look wasn't noticed. She hated the strange resentment that was bubbling up inside her over something as silly as lineage and bloodlines; things she could not change so she had no choice but to adapt. It was the only way to live, she expected.
How else did cats make it by in the world if not for the ability to overcome such things? Even knowing this, she can not shake the word 'kittypet' from her head where it rang like a curse and a small pit of jealous welled up over the fact her younger siblings not yet born would not have this same smear upon them. Even if these were Blazestar's kits, no cat would know and so they would be less critical of them. Unlike her, daughter of the kittypet king.
She wants to rip her fur out in frustration, bitter tears pinching the corners of her eyes as she considers how to reply, knowing a lie would only hurt her further.
"...I'm...we're always going to be the kits of Blazestar." Moonpaw starts, tone uncertain, voice wavering, "...how can I live this way? Knowing cats will look at me and see only the kittypet king of SkyClan no matter what I do...?"
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[LITTLE WOLF]

"A kittypet king is still a king" she says thoughtfully after a moment of consideration. Her daughters fears are something she had never thought of herself. Sure she knew some cats might look down on her children for their kittypet blood, she even knew some looked down on her for loving a kittypet but if they just met Blazestar they would understand, if they would just take the time to get to know him they would see what she saw in him, she’s almost certain of it. But some cats would only ever see him as the weak willed leader of the house cats, playing pretend. "Your father is a kind-hearted, noble cat. Softness is not always weakness, my love" she says gently, sad that her daughter views herself in such a negative light but glad she is here to comfort her. She silently lays her tail across Moonpaws own and leans forward, gently rasping her tongue over her daughters ear in a comforting gesture before pulling away. "Besides, you may be half your father but you’re also half me. You come from a long line of warriors, of forest born cats that’s gotta count for something" perhaps she could find some comfort in that. She hopes so, at least "and besides if a cat can’t see you for you and chooses to only see your father, your blood, their opinion shouldn’t matter anyways. You’re your own cat, Moonpaw. What you do is what matters, who you are is what matters. I love you no matter who or what you are, and so does the rest of your family." it was a hard lesson, one Little Wolf had had to learn for herself when she was around her kits age but she was better for it. She only hopes Moonpaw can have the same, only wants the best for her children.
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