i'll pick you flowers while you count the hours || chilledgaze

[betonyfrost]

POST CODE

• Betonyfrost had arrived far earlier than she had needed.
  
  The area she had chosen is quiet and, in fairer weather, picturesque. Now, beneath the shadow of Leafbare, it has lost the verdant charm it had the season prior, and has instead become a place with squirrel-churned mud and brittle, wilted plants. There is a metaphor somewhere in that-- Betonyfrost hopes Chilledgaze is keen enough to see it as Betonyfrost does. She had told them to meet her here, and told them, in a tone implying something grim, that she needed to discuss something with them that couldn't be talked about freely in camp.
  
  Somehow, impossibly, Betonyfrost feels entirely calm.
  
  She's practiced what she's going to say, over and over, until the words feel natural in her voice. There has been too much going wrong in Betonyfrost's life, a lack of friends, an apprentice that didn't get along with her, a frustration that seems to only grow in size-- all things that are completely beyond Betonyfrost's own control. Desperately, Betonyfrost needs a win. She wont let this be anything less than a win.
  
  @CHILLEDGAZE.​

• "[color=#ddafeb][b]speech[/b][/color]"

shadowclan warrior | blue mackerel tabby | 15 moons | tags​

 

[CHILLEDSTAR.]

there was a sense of dread in the molly's voice. grimmness that couldn't be misplaced. chilledgaze had not been around betonyfrost to read her properly, because perhaps if she had, they wouldn't have come at all. betonyfrost was an odd cat to begin with, but even then she was still under chilledgaze's protection. trying to push down all of the anxiety that came along with the thought of something being wrong, chilledgaze made their way out of the camp, and trekked through the cold marshlands, ears swiveling as they listened carefully to the world around them.

the marsh was almost quiet. gently the pine needle aligned trees moved within the frigid breeze, and the sound of their own pawsteps were loud and nearly echoed. the scent of betony, however, makes them stop. worry is in their stomach before they padded forward, brows furrowing slightly though their expression was almost unreadable.

"betonyfrost. are you alright? what's the matter? what was so urgent that it had to be away from prying eyes, and ears?"

they could only hope they wouldn't walk out of here with a few fresh scars. they let it slide once. it would never happen like that again.
​

[ NOBODY ELSE MATTERS, GIRL ]​

 

[betonyfrost]

POST CODE

• Chilledgaze arrives, and the whole of Betonyfrost feels warm. This is what makes the darker days worth the high cost of being herself: looking at the slice of white across Chilledgaze's face and knowing without a doubt in her mind that somehow, in some capacity, the two of them were meant to be together. Betonyfrost has the words she wants to say memorized, but for a moment she is speechless in wonder. Betonyfrost's life changes here. She'll be happy, as will Chilledgaze.
  
  "I didn't mean to make you worry," Betonyfrost lies. She wasn't certain they would come without it, "I just wanted to say that I've been watching you around camp and how you carry yourself and, I've realized I care for you a lot. I'd like to get to know you better. You're a lot like me," Here, Betonyfrost falters. That isn't what she planned to say. The words she had said, over and over, had been we have a lot in common. The meaning is the same but, of all of the places to fail, why was it over words that didn't change a thing?
  
  Still, after a brief moment to recover from her misstep, Betonyfrost continues, "I know you've felt it too," A step closer, "I'm sure you've seen me too," Dead grass is soundlessly flattened beneath her paw, "I don't know how much more pining my heart can take," A final step, even though every bone in Betonyfrost's being sings to continue until she stands nose to nose with Chilledgaze.
  
  "We could end this, you could end this. All you need to do is say yes."​

• "[color=#ddafeb][b]speech[/b][/color]"

shadowclan warrior | blue mackerel tabby | 15 moons | tags​

 

[CHILLEDSTAR.]

her first sentence makes them relax. she hadn't meant to make them worry, she says. but she did. still, they feel a lot less anxious than they had been... though curiosity burned in the back of their own throat. why the hell were they pulled from their duties, then? they swallowed back the bits of bile that had found its way to their tongue, before just furrowing their brows. their gaze lowers to her paws, watching her step forward before her body tenses again. worse than last time. there were warning bells screaming into their ear, and they wanted to step away, just to make sure betonyfrost kept her distance, but they managed to keep still. they were a lot of things, but scared was not one of them. there is no way she thinks i'm like her? no way.

scrunching their nose they continued to listen, and by now she was way too close. this was madness. nonsensical, even. what the hell did any of this mean? pining?! they grunted slightly as their closeness. they could feel her breath against their face, and with a shake of their head, they stepped backwards.

"say yes? betonyfrost, i'm not sure what you think of me, but surely it's not true. i don't understand what you think i could possibly do for you in this regard."

damn it, they're pullung their punches. why are they trying to soften the blow to this crazed she cat? taking in a deep breath, they only needed to rip the bandaid off.

"i don't feel that way. for you, or for anyone else for that matter. of course we can get to know each other but as friends. that is all i can offer. i cannot, nor will i even attempt to be, your mate."
​

[ NOBODY ELSE MATTERS, GIRL ]​

 

[betonyfrost]

POST CODE

• Chilledgaze doesn't say any of the things they were supposed to.
  
  Betonyfrost should have known. She has never had any luck, has never been allowed anything good in her life. Chilledgaze tells her that she can get to know them as a friend, as if that could ever be enough. Chilledgaze must know that could never be enough.
  
  "I used to think just, just seeing you everyday would keep me content," Said like a sigh, but not in defeat, "But then every time I've seen you I've just-- I want more."
  
  Chilledgaze just needs convincing. Betonyfrost could do that. This is something she believes in, something she needs, with the whole of her being.
  
  "I've never known how to stop wanting for things. I just need-- don't go anywhere-- I just need a chance. Couldn't you do me the simplest of kindnesses and give me that?" The fear that Chilledgaze may just leave is as abrupt as it is all encompassing. They couldn't do this to Betonyfrost. She needs this, "You can't leave me here."​

• "[color=#ddafeb][b]speech[/b][/color]"

shadowclan warrior | blue mackerel tabby | 15 moons | tags​

 

[CHILLEDSTAR.]

they're trying to let her down gently. this is unsettling to them. they don't know why betonyfrost isn't just giving up. accepting defeat when one knew it was necessary was always a good feat, but why hadn't betonyfrost understood? chilledgaze had way too much going on to do this. they couldn't even think of looking at someone the way that betonyfrost claimed to have looked at them. it couldn't be. it just couldn't. they twisted their face, gaze unreadable for a moment before they just shook their head firmly. the gentle approach wasn't working. it wasn't going to end very well if they kept being nice about it. they'd try one more time without too much hostility, but after that– there wouldn't be so much hesitation.

"no, betonyfrost. i'm sorry that you've picked me of all cats, but i can't do this for you. i can't love you that way."

the poor molly has a fear of being left behind. abandoned. she has said twice that she doesn't wanna be left, in different ways. but chilledgaze can't stay here. it wasn't a good idea. for either of them. they turned on their paws, to leave. they had to leave.

//powerplay allowed!! let the boxed bitch loose !!!!
​

[ NOBODY ELSE MATTERS, GIRL ]​

 

[betonyfrost]

She hadn't ever known Chilledgaze could be so cruel.

If Betonyfrost were starving, would they steal the food out of her mouth? If she were parched, would they keep her away from a lake? If they could, would they find a way to deny her sunlight? Is it that Chilledgaze simply doesn't understand how much Betonyfrost needs this-- needs them?

"I didn't pick you but-- don't go anywhere!" Betonyfrost can hardly get the words out fast enough. It's the smallest of movements from Chilledgaze, a shift in position, something Betonyfrost feels more than sees. They are trying to leave her. Betonyfrost has always been so easy to leave behind, hasn't she?

It wouldn't be fair to consider Betonyfrost responsible for what she does next. It is an act of desperation, she needs Chilledgaze to understand. It is something like a tackle, but Betonyfrost feels more like she's fallen against Chilledgaze, and had happened to bring them down to the ground with her. Fear is enough to gut her, the realization that this isn't going her way finally taking hold. Her legs tremble as if overworked.

"I didn't pick you but if it was my choice I would have chosen you. I need you to listen to me-- I'm laying my heart bare and I need you to listen to me!" The words tumble out fast and inarticulate, more emotion and meaning.​

shadowclan warrior | blue mackerel tabby | 15 moons | tags​

 

[CHILLEDSTAR.]

betonyfrost was losing it– assuming she had it in the first place. chilledgaze can't do this. they feel sick at the thought of someone loving them, and that only makes it worse. chilledgaze wasn't like everyone else when came to mates, and love. love. tch. such a fickle thing. friends and family could be loved. they loved their friends and their family. but the thought of loving anyone else more than that– oh stars they weren't going to do this. they grunted as the both of them tumble to the ground, looking up in shock. they almost flinch, but not from fear. from confusion, from trying to just get away. they opted not to before they just aimed to push betonyfrost off of them. had they been successful, they'd stand up, and hiss directly at the molly.

"for fucks sake, i am listening, and i'm telling you that its fucking stupid! you don't know me, or anything about me! any made up idea you have about me, let it fucking go! pull yourself together and just look at me for a moment! i'm not an option!"
​

[ NOBODY ELSE MATTERS, GIRL ]​

 

[betonyfrost]

Chilledgaze pulls free and leaves Betonyfrost alone on the wet ground, heart hammering and mouth agape. Her forepaws scramble as if to catch Chilledgaze, but as she does in most things, in this too she fails. They stand over Betonyfrost, and in any other way this would have been how the two of them were meant to be; Chilledgaze has always been above Betonyfrost. She recoils, looks away and down, then back to Chilledgaze. Even now, she cannot look away for long.

"I didn't mean to ruin this," She says more like a sob, "But— but I have, haven't I?"

Betonyfrost wishes that it was possible to restrain Chilledgaze forever and make them understand. Chilledgaze must understand that Betonyfrost cannot possibly live like this— they must understand how indescribably cruel they are being by telling her that this isn't so much as a false start as it is a hard rejection.

"Okay," Betonyfrost snaps at last, harsh in all the places she had been pathetic before, "Just leave me then, if that's how you really, if you are truly willing to let me alone like this!"

Betonyfrost should stand, she knows, but she doesn't think she has the strength to do it. Her legs would surely tremble out from under her. Rather than that, Betonyfrost crawls like the worm she's always known herself to be, ears pinned and stuck somewhere between devastation and rage. She wants to be close enough to touch her nose to one of Chilledgaze's paws.​

shadowclan warrior | blue mackerel tabby | 16 moons | tags​