I'M NEVER SAD LIKE WE WERE SAD \ howlpaw

[BLAZESTAR]

Blazestar has not been a present father to any of his kits, not even the ones in his Clan and under his care. Their sister’s death, combined with the constant issues plaguing SkyClan and diverting his attention, has left him drained and busy at the end of even the calmest days. Fireflypaw is, of course, busy with his medicine cat training, and Howlpaw is almost a warrior now—but Blazestar can’t help but feel the brunt of his neglect after his daughter’s return.

He'd resigned himself to not seeing Howlpaw again until he saw Morningpaw in StarClan. He’d dreaded every night, knowing his dreams would be filled with two tortoiseshell kits playing at their mother’s flank, kits he’d lost to a world crueler than it is kind. Blazestar’s heart had leapt into his mouth when she’d returned home, shaken but unharmed. Her entrails hadn’t been scattered throughout the Twolegplace. Every bit of rot that’d come from Kuiper’s filthy mouth had been just that—no better than the crowfood Thistleback had turned him into.

The news of Daisyflight’s death and Sheepcurl’s disappearance had yet again stunted Blazestar’s reconciliation with Howlpaw, and now there’s Snowpath’s ascent to StarClan to contend with. The Ragdoll seeks his daughter, wondering how she’s holding up after the tragedies that had battered them all. He settles beside her, tilting his face into an empty sky as the wind sings and combs through their fur. “How’ve you been settling in?” The flame point gently presses his nose to her shoulder, inhaling the scent he’s known since her birth—smoldering pine, but with a shadow of forest undergrowth, not lost even after all this time. ThunderClan is bred into her blood—she can’t escape that, even now. “I haven’t even had time to check on you, with everything…” He sighs. He doesn’t want to dampen their conversation, but their reality is what it is—existence itself, survival in their forest.

@Howlpaw
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[ PENNED BY MARQUETTE ]​

 

[Howlfire]

Howlpaw was of course still overjoyed to be home. Much like how Blazestar had resigned himself to believing she was dead, Howlpaw had resigned herself to never seeing her family or friends again. But in both cases they had both been proven wrong.

Although glad to be home and back with family, Howlpaw had to admit the reunion hadn't lasted as long as she had hoped. Her father and brother had both been there when she returned, and the family got to bask in the joy of being back together for a precious few days. But now Howlpaw felt as though there was a distance between them again. They were all busy cats and lived busy lives so this was to be expected to a degree. Even before her capture, Howlpaw was used to her training often getting in the way of family time she might have liked, much like how Fireflypaw's training, or her father's duties as leader got in the way for them respectively. Since her return Howlpaw had felt the distance hard to accept, feeling increasingly clingy about her family since her return. Howlpaw wanted to spend as much time as she could with them, almost as if afraid that she might not see them again as she had feared in the shelter.

When Blazestar seeks her out, Howlpaw is happy to oblige him, and happy to be in the presence of her father. "Good!" She response in a cheerful tone to his first question. And it was true. Other than the little incident with finding a new nest upon her return, her transition back to life in the clan had been smooth. "Everyone has been so kind and helpful in helping me settle back in. And Slate is proving to be a fine mentor, even if he is a little short sometimes." Howlpaw giggled a little at that, hoping her father wouldn't mind the little playful jab at her mentor. "It's alright, dad. I don't mind," Howlpaw says in response to following words. She rests a head comfortingly against his shoulder, gazing up at him with wide amber eyes. She's grown a lot since her time in the shelter, more of the features she inherited from both parents are prominent now, and no longer is she the small kit whose head was almost the size of Blazestar's paw. "You're the leader of the clan, you need to be there for everyone not just me." Even if she wanted him just for herself sometimes.​

 

[BLAZESTAR]

Blazestar’s smile widens at Howlpaw’s exuberance. Her brilliance is what he needs, and he puts an enormous paw over her chocolate-spotted head—like he had when she was just a kit. It used to swallow her alive, but now it’s just an oversized accessory smashing her ears flat. “I knew Slate would be a good mentor. And you’re so close to being a warrior, I figured you just needed the finishing touches.” A warrior! He can hardly believe he’ll be giving his daughter her warrior name in less than a moon. The thought batters him like the windstorm.

Howlpaw’s kindness and understanding go a long way—especially after his awkward and, frankly, painful interaction with her littermates. Blazestar sighs, letting the paw fall from Howlpaw’s head. “I am Clan leader, but it doesn’t excuse not checking in with my kits.” He flicks an ear, unable to shake Moonpaw’s bitter expression from his mind. “Your brother and sister… I talked to them at the Gathering.” He laughs—it’s forced. “It went about as well as you could expect, I suppose.”
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[ PENNED BY MARQUETTE ]​

 

[Howlfire]

"Well, maybe not," Howlpaw was forced to concede when Blazestar continued to speak of his absence. "But I can excuse you." Even if her father had a point about not checking up on his children enough she would always forgive and excuse him. She adores her father. She cherishes him. And quite frankly, as much as she still loves Little Wolf with all her heart, he's the only parent she can truly count on in SkyClan.

When Blazestar mentioned having spoken to her siblings, she inclines her head curiously wondering how that went down. "Oh, I can imagine," Howlpaw responded, a forced laugh equal to that of her father's own. "At least they didn't call you...you know, a traitor and a stranger." Although her voice is calm and steady there's a bitter edge to those words, still jaded from the harsh reception she had received all those moons ago. "What did you try and talk about?"​

 

[BLAZESTAR]

“You and Fireflypaw always were the more forgiving ones,” he smiles. Of course, the most forgiving kit is not here anymore… but it does no good to bring Morningpaw up now. “I don’t deserve your forgiveness, but I cherish it.” He presses his nose to her speckled shoulder fur, frowning as the topic shifts to Burnpaw and Moonpaw.

She sounds bitter as she recalls the words they’d angrily spit at her. Traitor. Stranger. Blazestar’s expression saddens. “They must have felt as though they’d lost you and Fireflypaw, too. But they couldn’t have known that this was your destiny. Fireflypaw is going to be SkyClan’s next medicine cat, and you will be a SkyClan warrior.” Perhaps Burnpaw and Moonpaw have spent too much time listening to their ThunderClan kin. He knows Moonpaw’s mentor is Howlingstar’s look-a-like son, and that cat had never approved of their relationship. From what he remembers, even Little Wolf had received rebukes for the mate she’d chosen.

Howlpaw asks what he’d tried to talk to them about. “Oh, nothing serious… I was just asking about their training.” He sighs. “Burnpaw acted like he didn’t know me at all anymore. I suppose he doesn’t. And Moonpaw… she was cold.” Blazestar looks at Howlpaw. “I don’t remember her being that cold. What happened to the sweet, scared little she-cat who tagged behind her sister everywhere?”

He knows what happened, doesn’t he? What happened, and then what kept happening. His kits are gone through enough tragedy to last a grown warrior a lifetime.
​

[ PENNED BY MARQUETTE ]​

 

[Howlfire]

Her father's expression saddens as she recounts her experience with her siblings. How hard it must be for Blazestar to hear this as their father. He takes it in his tried, Howlpaw will give him that, but she's certain it must eat him up inside. "I guess so," Howlpaw shrugged at his suggestion that Burnpaw and Moonpaw felt as though they had lost her too. It's not that she doesn't believe it to be true, it's just hard for her to process that as a possibility. It seems like too easy of an excuse for their behaviour.

"That was it?" Howlpaw blinks in surprise, genuinely shocked that such a simple question would get such a response. But then maybe she wasn't so surprised after all. She only tried to say hello and ask whether they were alright and got her ears chewed off instead. "I wish I could say I'm overly surprised but I'm not," Howlpaw says with a sigh. "They're still my siblings and I love them as such but things feel so different now. Despite being separated into two different clans, I've always tried my best to remain civil and polite with them but with how they treat us it just feels like I'm speaking with strangers or worse the enemy." A saddened expression fills her face and Howlpaw casts her gaze skywards, imagining where Morningpaw would be right now. "I love my life here and I wouldn't change it but I wish things had never changed for us," Howlpaw mews softly, her voice barely a whisper. It's a foolish, vain wish Howlpaw knows but the sentiment remains the same. "I miss Morningpaw but sometimes I think it's better she's not here anymore. I think she would hate to see our family like this."​

 

[BLAZESTAR]

He can see Howlpaw is conflicted by his response. “That was it?” Blazestar nods, his ears beginning to droop. She continues, stating things have changed dramatically between herself and her ThunderClan littermates. His heart aches for her—for her, for Fireflypaw, for his ThunderClan kits, for his StarClan kit. The suffering they’ve endured because of his and Little Wolf’s foolish mistakes haunts his every step, and even now, he carries the burden of their hatred and pain, wishing he could take it from them all so they did not have to suffer any longer.

“What I wouldn’t give for none of this to have happened to you all,” he says, his voice soft as down. He curls his thick rose-gold tail around her; once it had engulfed her completely, just as his paw had her crown. Her size and strength again reminds him of the distance they’ve come without the rest of their family, and how much more there is to go before they all meet again in StarClan. “I would give every life I was granted at the Moonstone for you and your siblings to be happy together in one Clan. I would…” His whiskers tremble with emotion. “I would have died in her place if I could have. If it would have saved you all this heartache. Believe me.”

His eyes sting, but he does not openly shed tears in front of his daughter. “I want to tell you what I wish I could tell them. I’m sorry.” Blue eyes meet hazel again, tender with feeling. If I could take it back—would I? Would it be better to have never experienced the joy of love, of having and raising kits, if this is how it ends up?

A morbid, terrible thought, and one he has never once considered—but now he does. The truth behind the question is as fleeting and tangled as the truth they live now.
​

[ PENNED BY MARQUETTE ]​

 

[Howlfire]

A tail wraps around her comfortingly as Blazestar speaks of what he wouldn't give for any of this to have happened. He tells her that he would have given up each and every one of his lives for them all to be happy again and that he would have given his life for Morningpaw if he could. Howlpaw's heart aches to hear this but she knows it to be the truth. "Spared us the heartache of losing a sister perhaps but then we would have lost you instead." Howlpaw's eyes fill with tears though she does not cry. She does not want to think of her father dying or being dead. She knows one day it will be a possibility but she wishes that day will come in many, many moons. She wants her father to live a long life, she wants him to see her and Fireflypaw gain their full names, and to know his future grandkits. She wants to see him older and wiser, eventually departing to StarClan after a life well lived rather than cut down in battle or sickness.

"Sorry for what?" She asks when his blue eyes meet hers. Howlpaw looks deep within their depths in search of an answer. "Sorry for loving mom and having us? Or sorry for agreeing to the warrior code that forced us all apart?" Howlpaw shook her head. "If that had never happened how long do you think it would take before some other family befell the same fate as ours? How long would it have taken for another leader to suggest Emberstar's code and for us to all be forced to choose again?"​

 

[BLAZESTAR]

Howlpaw’s eyes glisten as she tells him, “Spared us the heartache of losing a sister perhaps, but then we would have lost you instead.” Blazestar’s heart hurts as he says, “But there are times, surely, when it has already felt that way.” In the moons following her sister’s death and the implementation of the warrior code, Blazestar had been a shell of himself, wasting away in the prison of his den, an unwashed mass of tangled fur and dead, empty eyes. It had taken him the entire season to fully pull himself together—and then, when she’d disappeared…

“When I thought I lost you, my world went dark like that again.” His voice trembles. “I could not bear the thought that I would not see you again until I lost every damn life StarClan gave me.” His love for her, for Fireflypaw, and even for his estranged kits in ThunderClan—yes, it has been a detriment to his ability to lead SkyClan at times. He remembers Sharpeye’s furious, flashing eyes as Blazestar refused to send his warriors to fight a battle not theirs, to draw their claws across his kits. He remembers Howlingstar’s anger, Moonpaw’s—that Sharpeye had tried to exact his vendetta against Blazestar upon his daughter.

“I am sorry for all of it. But you’re right.” He smiles through his sadness, cheered only by the comfort that his daughter has a brave and loving heart, despite all she’s suffered. “StarClan must have led the five Clans to be this way for a reason. If it were not us, it would have been another… but, selfishly, I still would have spared you all, if I could have.” He presses his nose to hers gently. Small and pink, like Little Wolf’s. “Just when did you get so wise, little Howl?”
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[ PENNED BY MARQUETTE ]​