i'm only doing anything i want to || ferndance

[betonyfrost]

Newleaf starts scattered: A broken dawn chorus of early arriving birds, grass that grows in mismatched patches along the shorelines of still-chilled waters. In the lowlight, where the cold still lingers, it can be easy to believe that Leafbare has never left until one nearly stumbles over a cluster of march flowers or the starts of a long-vined catbrier, still bare of the bright red berries that will adorn it later in the season.

Betonyfrost had wanted to get out of camp and clear her head — maybe try to hunt, if an opportunity arose — but with the risk of an unknown rogue who could still be potentially about and Chilledgaze's firm warning to not go out alone, Betonyfrost found herself begrudgingly bringing company. Ferndance was okay as far as Betonyfrost was concerned. From what Betonyfrost had known about the other molly, she had a certain gentleness to her that Betonyfrost could never quite trust.

"I hate the waiting," Betonyfrost says as she walks, because for all of her bluster she also hates the quiet, "For Newleaf, I mean. I know it's here now but — but I don't feel like we've actually gotten away from Leafbare."

@FERNDANCE​

shadowclan warrior | blue mackerel tabby | 18 moons | tags​

 

[FERNDANCE]

She would've been confident, normally, that a rogue would not have been able to best her as easily as it had done Pitchstar, but with the ThunderClan patrol still fresh in her mind, Ferndance held some doubts. She wasn't necessarily grateful for Betonyfrost's company, she didn't know the other cat well at all and she hadn't been intending to leave the camp that day, but it was still better than being alone. Her tail raised with false confidence, the ticked tabby's attention lingered on the dark line of branches above them, their intertwining sections like thick claws to keep the ShadowClanners out of StarClan's reach. That was how she imagined the less faithful among them would see it, at least. Though her interactions with Betonfrost were slim, she was vaguely aware of the tabby's more open faith to the dead. If she needed such faith to keep her head in the right place then Ferndance supposed she had no problems with it, they all needed something to grasp onto in times like these - Ferndance just held onto something a little less important.

Betonyfrost broke the silence and the former rogue's head angled downwards, catching a glimpse of her. Ferndance's stomach growled its approval of her statement before she could even open her mouth. The changing seasons meant nothing if they were still forced to eat carrion. "Oh I agree, I hate waiting as well. If I want something I want to be able to grab it right there... this whole 'the wait makes it sweeter' stuff doesn't really apply when I'm freezing my ea—" She cringed and squeezed shut her eyes. Oof, bad choice of words. One eye opened feverishly, a permanent grimace on Ferndance's muzzle. "Eyes off. Freezing my eyes off." Her own silence was awkward and deafening, the fairy-like mysticism to her grin pained and stilted. It was not her smoothest moment, she could only hope that Betonyfrost was not offended. "Just all the water in there just... going poof and being replaced with ice. It's not great. So yes I am... I am hoping for... hmm, I appear to be struggling with my words." She giggled to herself, her brown-striped tail lashing twice. There was another pause from the she-cat and like the hand of a clock, her head slowly twitched to a different angle. "What were we talking about again?"

​

 

[betonyfrost]

Perhaps the two of them could have had a conversation edging on amicable, but then Ferndance ruins it.

Betonyfrost stops walking, pauses mid-step. It lasts for only a moment and then Betonyfrost is walking once more, her pace quickened. It doesn’t bother her, Betonyfrost thinks, but then she thinks that Ferndance must think she’s an idiot to have not noticed those fumbled, backtracked words.

“Is it better to freeze your eyes ‘off’ or have them clawed out?” Betonyfrost snaps. She doesn’t mean it as a hypothetical— not in the moment, but then that brittle and tired anger breaks and Betonyfrost lets it out with a sigh, “Are you always this strange?”​

shadowclan warrior | blue mackerel tabby | 18 moons | tags​

 

[FERNDANCE]

There was a pause and she felt the air around them grow heavier with tension, her tail bushed up in anticipation. She wondered briefly if the problem was a trespasser or a predator, but then Betonyfrost near-jogs and Ferndance realises that the problem was with her. The consequences of a mind that didn't move as fast as a mouth was on full display, and the ticked tabby quickened her pace to match the other. Biting words cause her ears to pin to the back of her skull, her head tilting at the same time in consideration of the question. Was it better to have them clawed out? Just as she was about to answer, the intention behind Betonyfrost's words clicked in her brain and she let out a quiet 'oh'. Her pupils narrowed briefly at the display of teeth, recoiling her head to an upright position and her tail lashing in a thinly veiled annoyance. Perhaps it was on her for making that mistake, but that didn't mean she would take any hits lying down.

Luckily, Betonyfrost reclined from her stance and the ticked tabby's shoulders sagged as if reminded at that moment that in-fighting would land both of them in trouble. Her smile returned, sweeter than ever and clearly forced - it would take longer than a few seconds to forget a threat. She considered the tabby's words with oddly angled ears, a glimpse of sincerity returning to her expression. "Oh very much so. 'Weird is wonderful' - that's a saying in my family." They were all strange in their own way, to the point where something as seemingly normal as a clan was a concept that they didn't understand. To them, Betonyfrost would be very, very weird... but Ferndance was convinced that you didn't have to be a loner to believe that. "We have a lot of sayings, Some a little more helpful than others but I remember them all. Give me a word, I'll recite another one for you for free." As an olive branch or an apology, whatever Betonyfrost preferred.

​

 

[betonyfrost]

The tense moment passes and Betonyfrost is left feeling wrongfooted. She hasn't done anything wrong, she knows she hasn't, and yet Betonyfrost cannot help but feel embarrassed by her outburst. She wishes that she hadn't backed down, or that Ferndance hadn't. Betonyfrost doesn't want a fight, not in the moment, but at the very least she knows what to do in the wake of one. Whatever this unease is that has settled between them, Betonyfrost doesn't know how to dispel it.

"Weird is wonderful?" Betonyfrost repeats to herself. It feels devoid of any kind of meaning to Betonyfrost — three words that don't exactly lead into one another, but rather happen to exist in the same space. If it is anything, it is a platitude far too general to be taken at face.

But Ferndance seems to think positively of these simple words, so Betonyfrost opts to keep her opinion quiet.

"I've never — if my parents had sayings that they passed down to us, I was too young to remember," It isn't entirely true. Betonyfrost has firm memories of both of her parents. If her parents had any sayings, they hadn't told them to Betonyfrost, "So, ah, you may as well tell me another one."​

shadowclan warrior | blue mackerel tabby | 18 moons | tags​

 

[FERNDANCE]

The ticked tabby nodded along as Betonyfrost repeated Ferndance's saying: weird was, in fact, wonderful. She tilted her head as the other denied having such familial sayings, though she wasn't sure if she pitied the other for lacking them, there was a brief twinge of sadness to her frown as she considered the implications of not having such a wonderful experience. "I traveled with my family many moons before the clans were formed. They are very wise, wiser than me if you could believe it." Her angled head bobbed to the opposite side. Her own intelligence was... questionable, but she was smart enough to know that she was not a learned individual, and that had to count for something. "They're.... not always entirely honest with the cats that they meet, but they were always honest with me-" 'I hope' she added on silently, her doubts fuelled by the very reason she'd found herself in ShadowClan in the first place. "- and their little sayings always have relevancy. I hope the one I give you brings you something as well." She blinked slowly as she considered the hoard of phrases, gathered just as haphazardly as her collection of physical objects. What could be relevant to Betony at this moment?

She looked over the other she-cat, taking into account her mismatched ears and tiger-like blue stripes. She took in the expression, not quite confident and not quite awkward, perhaps gauging the ticked tabby for all she was worth. Ferndance did not need Betonyfrost's approval to know how bright she shone in the mire, likewise, she saw no fun in making an enemy of her clanmate by offering her something less than worthwhile. Ferndance took a deep breath as if preparing to recite a long piece of history. "Sometimes when you see a river, and you cannot go over or under it, you must go through it." The river, a metaphor for ShadowClan now, perhaps. Their leader's death crashed down upon them all like the waves of a flooded stream, starvation clashing against their spines like jagged rocks. They'd waded too far in to turn back now and try another route, all that was left was to see it through to the end. She assessed Betonyfrost's face for a reaction, her smile growing wider.


​

 

[betonyfrost]

The image of a younger Ferndance comes to Betonyfrost, whose mind has narrowed in on the word honest like it was the only thing Ferndance had to say. Dishonesty was never her family's poison, not as Betonyfrost knows it, but now it's hooked into her mind like a leech to skin. It's something about Betonyfrost, how she didn't tell lies so much as she would hide behind simple words or silence, something about how that felt just as heavy as a lie. Now that Betonyfrost wears her emotions on her face, does that make her honest?

"And were you always entirely honest with the cats you would meet when you were with them?" Betonyfrost asks, only because she thinks Ferndance would answer.

The saying that Ferndance offers her is just as meaningless as the last. Betonyfrost isn't capable of going over or under a river — she doesn't have wings last she checked, and she's only ever dug deep enough to bury her own dirt. She thinks she understands the metaphor at the root of it, that it's better to walk into problems nose-foreword as opposed to prolonging it with avoidance.

"I'd say I've always been pragmatic," Betonyfrost says, "And if I saw a river I wouldn't cross it. The only thing that would get me is to the other side of a river." She means something by this, Betonyfrost realizes only after it's been said.​

shadowclan warrior | blue mackerel tabby | 18 moons | tags​

 

[FERNDANCE]

She felt the tone of the conversation shift again, growing uncertain of how Betonyfrost wanted her to answer. Even amidst ShadowClan's ranks, she was not known to be a particularly honest cat - harmless with her witticisms and white lies, but certainly a mincer of words and truths for her own entertainment. She idly brushed as her coarse chest fur with her tongue as she contemplated. Her words were careful as green eyes met green once more, for once, seeming to think before opening her mouth to address the warrior. "The truth is a very vicious thing, sometimes it should be trusted even less than a lie... but to answer your question... I do not know." Tail swinging left and right, she allowed her attention to briefly wander to the frostbitten trees above, counting their withered branches half-heartedly. "Probably not, but I do not think it is fair to judge me for it. We all have to survive in our own funny ways, that was how I got by when everyone wanted to kill each other." The Great Battle. Betonyfrost was a year younger than her, she wondered briefly what the warrior's own experiences were back then - and what drove her to stay in ShadowClan.

Ferndance blinked incredulously as Betonyfrost mentioned being pragmatic but said nothing. Any fear Ferndance had that she would be criticised for lying seemed to abate, knowing that the mackerel tabby was more than happy to lie to herself. A pragmatist would not have stayed in this marsh half as long, its preystores diminished to bones and its earth sodden enough to remind the ticked feline of mold. Her chin pointed downwards once more, leveling with Betonyfrost's head as she considered her words. "I should certainly hope you wouldn't cross, you're not a FishClanner." She smiled, recognised the conversation was more serious, and cleared her throat, and decided to move on without further comment. "We're already in the river now though, aren't we? Can we go back even if we wanted to? Is what is on the other side better than what we left behind? We have to decide before we are gobbled up by the waves." Briarstar and Pitchstar would never come back, even with StarClan and nine lives, death was strangely permanent - but could Chilledstar lead them to better pastures? "I for one am looking forwards to what's ahead, I hope, in your own way, you can look forwards to it too."

​

 

[betonyfrost]

Ferndance's reply pauses Betonyfrost. She looks at Ferndance again, as if she can discern something more by appearance alone, but finds Ferndance unchanged from this moment to the last. It's ridiculous that Ferndance doesn't know — an answer that only confirms Betonyfrost's suspicion that Ferndance is the strangest cat she knows. But as Ferndance continues on, Betonyfrost finds herself with some understanding. She's been surviving in her own way, everything she's done has been a reaction.

"If I'm in the river now, I'm not crossing bank to bank. I think I've been following it lengthwise by mistake," Betonyfrost admits.

The thought of good to come, a tomorrow that is truly better than the day before, has always been more a notion than a reality. She was born in the river, or else pushed in young, and had been too focused on keeping her head afloat to realize there had been a shore she was supposed to be swimming to. Reactions as inaction. Perhaps contradictorily, Betonyfrost believes in those better days. It's her reason to keep swimming.

"Aren't you ever tired?" She asks, because it's easier than saying that she had thought she would be happier being unrecognizable from the her of the past, but has found that the only thing that's changed is that she hardly knows herself now, "Don't you ever wonder how — you called them FishClan — don't you wonder how it ended up like this?"​

shadowclan warrior | blue mackerel tabby | 18 moons | tags​

 

[FERNDANCE]

Her swaying tail lowered as the warrior admitted her troubles in a roundabout way, a pang of sympathy filling her thoughts for the one who'd threatened to hurt her mere moments ago. Admitting to liking Betonyfrost was like admitting to liking the thorn of a rose rather than its flower but... the ticked tabby still felt herself growing fonder of one of ShadowClan's most controversial members. As long as they could maintain this awkward ceasefire then it was a feeling that would likely linger for some time, the morality of her lashing out at an apprentice was scarcely an issue as long as she didn't lash out at her. "All rivers lead somewhere, don't they? I'm sure you'll end up leaving it someday... just maybe not in the same place as the rest of us." That felt.... surprisingly real. This brief conversation with the tabby had proved that she was on a different wavelength to the rest of the clan, snappy and perhaps a little conceited, yet still faithful in her own fucked up way. Just like Pitchstar in that sense, it was strange how such opposites could still find similarities.

Are you ever tired? Her mind went blank at the question."Well, I fall asleep most nights so..." Betonyfrost continued and Ferndance's mouth formed a thin line, her nose pointed diligently towards Betonyfrost. Ah, she meant tired of ShadowClan - or life, but if she'd given the impression she was tired of that than she had to question Betony's observation skills. Ferndance had her problems with the marsh group, their rules were loose but still present, a constant reminder that she would never truly be able to live up to her family's desires. They'd love her anyways, but it definitely raised the question of if she'd love herself in the long term. "Not really. This forest we live in is chaos. So many apply meanings to things to ground themselves but to me, there is no meaning... that's what makes it special. We gotta keep on keeping on regardless of who dies or who starves, when there's no reason for any of it then it's hard to wonder how exactly it, 'ended up like this'. Bad luck, perhaps? Well, bad luck won't last forever. We just have to keep on swimming no matter how tired we get." She explained softly. "I'm sorry, I'm not the cat to speak to if you want answers."

​

 

[betonyfrost]

All rivers lead somewhere.

Betonyfrost twists her head as if she was staring down the trail of that river, as if such a simple act could show Betonyfrost where it is she is going. She's always hurdled dizzily fast towards the future — it feels right to imagine it as a physical space she was being flung towards. There are countless things Betonyfrost doesn't know, such as if it is that she is more affected by life or if she is the only one who feels, or if StarClan really looks down on her with the kindness she hopes they do.

Above it all, with a certainty Betonyfrost wished she didn't possess, she knows her river feeds right back into the marsh. She'll end right where she began.

"You're just as likely to know as anyone else," Betonyfrost mutters, not unkindly, "Pitchstar — he was going to let me die. I know it. I'd spent moons before being the smallest me I could, and no one wanted me then, and then I just — I just found myself, and I finally like myself, but no one wants me now either. Pitchstar was going to let me die and no one was going to do a damn thing about it because they think I'm too abrasive for sticking up for myself. That's all I ever do."

A sigh. Betonyfrost doesn't know why she wants to convince Ferndance of this. She's tried to explain it before, but had been met with jeers. "I don't know how you could have left your birthplace. It's another reason you're strange to me."​

shadowclan queen | blue mackerel tabby | 19 moons | tags​

 

[FERNDANCE]

She tilted her muzzle closer to her neck as Betonyfrost spoke... and spoke... and continued speaking. Emerald eyes never left the duller green ones as she spoke, her whiskers twitching in silent judgment. It was hard not to recall how tetchy Betonyfrost had been mere minutes before when she lamented that no one wanted her. Unkindness would almost always be met with unkindness, it was a mere blessing of a rabbit's foot that she had the experience to entertain Betonyfrost's ideas. "Well... I don't think anyone truly liked Pitchstar at the end. Loved, maybe, but not liked." She admitted, leaning closer. Ferndance was not afraid to admit such treasonous things, but she knew it'd be a hassle if anyone other than the mackerel tabby was to overhear it. "I never got to know him but he always seemed so... paranoid. I believe you when you say he'd have let you die, probably very slowly too.... one frostbitten limb at a time. Eeeugh." Each of her own limbs shuddered in a phantom re-enactment of being left out in the blizzard. She liked having legs and ears and a tail, their length could make her clumsy when she tried to be graceful, but she wouldn't trade them for anything - except for maybe a free pass into StarClan. Her family thought she was already bound there on account of her allegiance but... Ferndance wasn't sure, what if the council didn't have a sense of humour?

A bemused smile appeared on Ferndance's muzzle as the topic was brought back to her. "I was born in a bush, it's hardly a place I would have loyalty to." Her blinks fluttered in amusement. "My family don't exactly have a home though. We wandered where we can, took what we needed to survive, and moved on... I don't know how they're doing with that nowadays. So many places taken over by clans, I can't imagine the pickings are very good on the loner lands." She briefly entertained the idea that that was the reason why some of their family had been ushered into joining the groups, though the urgency of the event seemed to contradict that. Her gut felt funny the more she thought about it, a gnawing sensation that wasn't quite fear but still felt off. Her paws bunched closer together: how was she supposed to know if her family was ok if she couldn't leave the marshlands? "Not that we're doing any better. I haven't had a full belly in moons. Do you reckon we'll have to barge onto someone else's land too for food?"
​