private i'm open to the bones .. hazecloud

[lichenstar]

"We need to talk."

In a hushed murmur only she could hear had the hissing demand been made, slithering by with only the tiniest brush against her shoulder. No glance back for confirmation, it had been a summoning- ever was she within her right to refuse it but somehow, they weren't worried she would. It hadn't been immediate pursuit, nonetheless, and they had left no true instruction as to where they were going. It just needed to be away from everyone else... just needed to be free from the eyes that Lichentail felt at their back even when no one was looking. She'd whispered that early in the morning, no time in mind... and now the sun had past its peak already.

That bloom, though not as vibrant as it had been the last time, was still alive in this portion of the territory. The colors bounced along with every stiff breeze though they snapped with such fragility as the water had receded away and left it to thirst and wither. Brushing past with careful steps, they'd decided to sit out here and wait since earlier that morning- it felt most appropriate despite the way their fur stood on end with the anticipation of being here.

Gaze tilted towards the sky to admire whatever flocks scoured the skies for their next escape, a small pang of jealousy lived in that moment with them. That freedom...

The structure of the clans meant security... but it wasn't the same. With that structure came rigidity... stagnation... and though they stood to grow and change over time yet (the Clans were still so young really...) it felt suffocating at times. It felt dangerous other times- Their chest twisted, tight with a shaky breath as they struggled to ignore that incessant sting of fear. It made them into a mockery; a coward.

While they had soaked up plenty of sun by the time the dry grass behind them crunched under the pressure of a familiar misty molly, Lichentail couldn't help but be glad to be relieved of being their own company. They had proven to be a terrible hostess and a worse guest.

"They aren't getting enough water to properly sustain them" they commented, tail flicking towards the destroyed path in the field where they'd passed through already. It was a tragedy as far as any flower-enjoyer might be concerned. "'S not why we're here though." Gaze hardly meeting hers for more than a second, the dark-dipped paws of the lead moved back towards the shady border where they'd first noticed her arrival and though they got close, they turned slightly to keep the molly at their right side, tilting their head slightly away from the other's gaze.

@hazecloud​

 

[hazecloud]

Weeks had passed since either of them had spared a word between each other. Sunrise after sunset, Hazecloud had done her best to keep herself away from the blue molly. Just as they had asked (though not to the exact degree) the warrior refrained from any sort of interaction or acknowledgement. Having been left alone in the tangle of iris to reflect on what had been said, what had been done, what hadn't been done... It still pained the she-cat with how often she felt the urge to seek the Lead out and shake away their tension, but she had grown to live with ignoring it. A new habit to replace the old, she turned to the relationships she sought to make closer.

Ravensong, especially after the loss of Beesong. Rosewater, despite the guilt she felt when facing her mother's decline. Outside of that, though, she realized just how poorly she was at making genuine friends.

In the face of all her effort to avoid Lichentail, she did a double take when the molly demanded her attention later. Had she been speaking to her, truly? Green gaze blinked several times to watch her prowl away. She didn't follow, too dazed to even move until the other had disappeared from her line of sight.

Hazecloud had pushed it off for as long as she could, but she knew Lichentail would be waiting. She knew well the molly's invitations were often immediate and not to be wasted. She couldn't help but hesitate and distract herself in attempt to calm the frantic nerves from under her pelt. What could she have wanted? Hazecloud thought it was made clear, Lichen wanted nothing to do with her, and she had done well to steer away as much as she could. In the hours that passed she reflected on the brief moments they had shared since then. The shock of Hyacinthbreath's brutal exile. The mysterious WindClan attack that had left her nest-bound for several nights. She still shuddered remembering the bloodied sight of the molly, drowsy from exhaustion.

When the silky-furred cat finally managed the willpower, she departed from her final duties and followed the fading scent of damp plains and sap. The recognition slowly clicked in and the beat against her chest quickened when the sight of withering iris greeted her. Once standing tall and proud now brittle against rolling gales.

She couldn't help but feel the attention to the wreckage wrought upon her favored flowers was deliberate. Of all the space within the plains, Lichentail had chosen the last place they had berated her.

"It appears so..." Hazecloud murmured in agreement, voice slow, careful. Lichentail didn't do smalltalk. That still became clear by her next set of words. Despite the incessant heat the anticipation sent ice in her veins. Mirroring the Lead, Hazecloud kept her eyes focused ahead of her. Careful, caution clear in every step and twitch of her tail.

"Is there..." Another stroke of reluctance. Her careful edge was dipping. "I've thought about it, since this morning. I'll admit, I'm lost on what you could possibly want to speak about. With me." A small emphasis when regarding herself. Hazecloud had been sure to follow Lichentail's desires of keeping far away from her whenever possible. Is that not what she wanted? ​

 

[lichenstar]

Though she spoke with quiet hesitation and kept their gazes sharply opposed, Hazecloud did not try to run away like a frightened mouse when confronted. At the very least, it meant she could get this over with- part of her wondered if this had struck the blue smoke as an order from a superior rather than a... polite demand from another clan-mate, if the authority she possessed had willed the other to do something she normally wouldn't have otherwise. It wasn't worth considering though, Lichentail already had her here and her purpose would be fulfilled regardless of the motivation of her company.

Frowning slightly, an uneasiness settled in her belly as she contemplated how to start. It was more embarrassing than anything, to have no one else to really turn to. "Mmm..." They acknowledged her statement with that small hummed response. It wasn't really about Hazecloud, she was just the only ear with a mindful mouth attached to it. They could not as easily rely on anyone else.

"I am... uncertain... if I am mistaken," they cautiously start, picking their words with careful consideration as they speak in slow, drawn-out tones. It is a symbol of her confusion... the way she plucks ideas out of her head so timidly, cautiously. "I was pretty certain I was starting to understand how these," they lift a paw and gesture vaguely, "Dumb social interactions work but apparently... I am not."

Letting out a small, grumbling sigh, the lead brushed past Hazecloud again to move back into the field, waving a kinked tail to prompt the other molly to follow her. They could enjoy the scenery and talk at the same time... "I assumed it would be harmless... to offer a gentle teasing to relieve some tension but I find myself at the sharp end of Cicadastar's claws now. But I don't.... feel like I was wrong." Glancing back to make sure the other was following, they frown again as they drone about their current issue. "I am asking... for your insight, as someone more.... charismatically gifted than I am. Was I rude? All I did was make commentary that Ashpaw's return was a gift from the stars themselves! I would... like to apologize, to dispel any notion that I meant any insult or malice but..."

They shrug, draw in a breath and look tiredly towards some middle-distance near the horizon. "I'd like to avoid it happening again. And you are... fortunately or unfortunately is for you to decide... the only one I can really rely on to be honest with me and simultaneously not sell me out as a traitor for being frustrated or confused by the situation."​

 

[hazecloud]

With neither of them able to maintain or initiate any sort of eye contact with one another, it was apparent that Hazecloud would try to find anything she could to focus her sights on. Gentle green sights grazed over the feathery shapes of clouds to tracking the path of fluttering petals crisped by the sun. If she had to, she may have even watched the grass wilt and retreat into the soil. Yet despite how uncomfortable it made her, interacting with the pointed molly like this, Hazecloud knew in her heart she would come when called every time. Maybe it was out of guilt for what she had done, but she wanted to prove she could still be reliable when necessary for her.

Lichentail began to speak and the careful treading in her words drew her in. There was wary deliberation behind each breath. It became apparent to her that Lichentail was addressing what had happened when Ashpaw had returned. Truthfully, Hazecloud's knowledge on it was solely through word of mouth and near entirely from those that weren't present to see it. Hazecloud found most of what was said hard to believe, Lichentail of all cats speaking against their leader. The same cat that would twist on a shell to adjust to her Clans demands. It didn't sound like the cat she knew.

"You seem to make friends rather well." Hazecloud tried to give a bit of encouragement. It was true, social cues and understandings had quite frankly never been her strongest asset, but it had never been detrimental to her contributions to RiverClan. Learning the appropriate times to speak or emotions to convey were not necessities to the work Lichentail put into her home.

Trying to avoid colliding into Lichentail stalled her pawsteps into a near-missed stumble while they beckoned her to resume following. Hazecloud found her footing, and returned to her side. Now her eyes found easy purchase to the scenic view of the grasslands. She returned to listen with continued intrigue, secretly glad to hear the truth of the matter. She wasn't sure how to defend Lichentail from what she had heard spread around, but now with it recounted more accurately Hazecloud found herself questioning the understandings of their leader.

Cicadastar had certainly become a more unpredictable cat in more recent moons. Though it was not new, he demanded obedience and honesty, hearing that he had lashed out over a meager statement was... worrying. When he had delivered Buckgait's demotion, it seemed sound since she had opposing ideals and didn't fall in line. When he promoted Smokethroat in her place, moons later, she felt the decision was to strengthen RiverClan for more unity. Now, she wondered, if it could have been for reasons more selfish.

"I wasn't there to see it myself." It was a reminder, mostly to herself. "What you've said isn't far off from what I've already heard. It's true, Ashpaw's return certainly is a star-blessed gift in itself." But... There had to be one. "I think for the future, or after whatever Cicadastar's response, it would save your fur to follow his lead." Hazecloud was not a stranger to the lifestyle of a social chameleon though it was hard to imagine such for Lichentail.

"I know, that there is no room for disrespecting our higher ranks in you. However, the situation with Cicadastar..." The silky-furred molly sighed. She wondered, if she had even been there, would she have spoken up for Lichentail? She blinked in thought before ultimately deciding; no. She would have stayed in line, silent just as the rest had been. No different than when she was silent in the face of her parents behavior towards her siblings.

"I would keep the peace. It's not worth the fight, knowing historically how that goes and-" I couldn't bare to see you hurt. "... It's hard pretending to be something that you don't believe in, but RiverClan needs to see there is unity within the council." Advice she hated to give, if only because she knew it was not what she wanted to say. She wished she could tell the molly to be brazen, she could be as unapologetically herself as she wished to be. But the responsibility of being on that man's council... It was too dangerous, it seemed.

"And... you have Clanmates that need you to stay. For Ripplesnap and Brookpaw." Teeth sank into her tongue. Don't say it. Her thoughts betrayed her, already finding her voice again. "For Boneripple, too."​

 

[lichenstar]

Friends...

What a fickle thing.

They constantly shifted in their inconsistency and variety... It was not an easy label to assign, or feel or notice or... Maybe she just didn't have any. Maybe she never had and that's why anytime anyone mentioned that word it felt forced. It had been said time and again... she did well enough in conversation to not be labeled a complete ass but. It wasn't real. It was an act delicately woven to ensure some level of safety. If she could not blend in, she could not stay... And all she wanted was to stay. In whatever relative peace that meant.

She hadn't noticed the way she'd practically scoffed at the words. Hazecloud was offering a reassurance but she didn't know that. It was an assumption based on observation alone. If she had to identify what she assumed was a 'true friend' among her peers..... Maybe Pikesplash? But even that felt... distant at times. Like a friendly stranger all the same.

"You are a better judge than I... as far as I'm aware, I don't have any."

If they were her friends, why were they silent?

But it isn't worth moping about and largely, not the focus of their conversation. Hazecloud is quick to remind her that it is not something much of the clan witnessed and as such, cannot cast any solid judgements outside of the... warped perspectives that flew around wildly between suspicious glances. But it seemed the answer was all the more distressing... it was an answer to fill a role she didn't want and didn't understand. What was the point of a council if what you really wanted was blind faith? That made no sense... what sort of good king wanted an echo chamber to fuel his delusions? Was it not in his benefit to be checked and balanced by those that chose to follow him?

Much as it drove her mad with its senselessness, she didn't disagree it to be the truth. He saw enemies in every hesitated syllable. "Unity..." they echo the word with a tone of distaste. But it is what the smoke mentions next that catches her off guard. She cites what few responsibilities Lichentail does still have left. An apprentice. And a fool hardy twin that could not keep faerself from trouble if fae tried.

But Boneripple?

"Huh?" Pausing dead in her tracks to look at the other for the first time since they'd started this wandering conversation, the point's face is twisted in a confused alarm. "What are you talking about....?" Her mind churns with what dramatic possibilities the molly might be imagining and finds herself drowned in... nothing. It was completely unfounded, a comment that threw Lichentail into a thought lacking connection- where the hell did that name come from in this?

"She defended me, yes. But what does that have to do with her needing me? We are clan-mates... it shouldn't be surprising that we protect each other. What did you think was happening?" The question's tone finds a heightened shift, a quiet demand laced in her narrowing eyes. Answer me.​

 

[hazecloud]

The terms and conditions of making friends had been rather skewed from the perspective of the molly herself. Her beliefs, her desires and secrets, these were things she still kept from those she called her friends. Hardly even Rosewater knew more than the next, Chicorybite even less.

The habit of keeping appearances and painting a face for her Clan to enjoy and trust had simply become as natural as breathing. Now Hazecloud couldn't tell if the perception she had created was actually her or something she had simply grown into like a second coat. Burying the cat underneath to suffocate. But it isn't worth thinking about now.

"Well, I guess the definition can be different for everyone. Based on mine, I think you do." Lichentail wasn't exactly personable to connect with. But the company she provided wasn't awful, or dissatisfying at all. No much different than Snakeblink or, even Smokethroat.

In the Lead's silence, Hazecloud would assume they were mulling over the idea. Processing what she knew didn't sound right but what she had to fulfill despite it. She did not envy Lichentail's position, having to conform when that had never quite been her way of conducting herself. She waited, wondering if she would give rebuttal or acceptance when instead her assumptions had, as usual, gone the wrong way.

"Wh-What am I talking about?" Hadn't it been obvious? She carefully took a step away from the pointed molly, shaking her head. "It looked like... when you two sat together. When Cicadastar was reporting about the other Colony. I thought she was padding after you...?" Either she was very wrong or perhaps even Lichentail hadn't been aware? She was mixing something unsavory in either direction. "I guess I was wrong, then. You can disregard that."

Hazecloud hated the wash of relief she felt. She wanted Lichentail to be happy, she couldn't keep her from finding that somewhere else. With someone that wasn't her. But why couldn't she let her go?​

 

[lichenstar]

Just like that the dance began again... To be near her suddenly felt like fire, consuming in its brutality and surprising in its deceitful speed. It had been warm... just warm at first, a tingling that had become comfortable and safe. She hadn't noticed the way the smoke had filled her lungs, slowly and painfully creeping its way back in and holding tight to her chest. Heavy... close... comfortable.

Until it would burn. Hot as the sun and blinding in its severity. Fire was not kind... it left victims of everyone. It was selfish, its destruction wanton. So beautiful from afar.... only from afar.

The aloofness of her airy reply, a thing of ignorance and misunderstanding as she burned another scorching path. Lichentail couldn't stand it... the way it always crawled back to this. Furrowing her brow as a different kind of loss sunk in her chest, it wasn't her thought process that she felt lost by.

Why do you care? Do you really? It was confusing... the way she pulled away and then ran back into her open arms to sink her teeth in an exposed, welcoming throat. Why did it feel like a snake wrapped around her neck, pulling tighter despite how soft and sweet its hisses sounded? "Still... even now..." their voice is soft.

"Why do you keep doing this," a breathless question, one not meant to be answered for the answer had already been shared in this conversation. It was in every interaction. That unspoken word.

'I still love you' but she wouldn't say it. Wouldn't admit it. And neither would Lichentail.

"Fine... I will just. Disregard it then.... Because it would be silly to care about something like that anyways."

Sullen and sour, they pull apart slightly, veering towards a beaten path that might drag them along a bit faster.​

 

[hazecloud]

The tension had built itself up like a wall and in a moment, faster than she could blink, she was gone. Hidden behind the wall once again. Hazecloud stumbled over what to say as the weight turned on her once again. It was unrelenting, distracting her thoughts as she sought the words to defend herself, to reassure her assumptions had been just that. But the more she tried to find reason in her defense, the more frustrated she felt that she even had to.

The words that found her not gentle. They were not pillowy or soft as she normally was.

Her tone dipped in the fire along with Lichentail, singed by its flame.

"Why am I always the bad guy?"

"I thought you brought me out here to talk, like friends. Last time I- you got mad because I wanted to start talking again, because I missed you. You storm off, then drag me back out here asking for advice? Are... What are you playing at?"

Her teeth snap together as she tried to keep her jaw shut from digging herself further, but they open again without resistance.

"Obviously I asked because I do care, but any time I show that, its wrong. So what am I supposed to do? Do you want me to pretend I don't care?" She doesn't give a single breath for Lichentail to cut in.

"Fine. That's what I'll do.You can stay best friends with your shadow since you're convinced that's all you have, and I'll disappear. I'm done trying this with you." It's her turn this time to stomp away. If her pelt held any water if would've been steaming off her coat as her frustration consumed her. She would regret saying all of that, she would hate herself for severing the tie again. She knew it now, too, but her anger shouted louder than any lamenting cries wishing to unsay it all. ​