impossibly alone | loss of appetite

[Dewfrost]

Dewfrost was not coping well.

After all the stress with the bears and losing camp, Dewfrost had hoped that the return might settle her. And it had...for a while. The task of repairing camp had kept her distracted from the impending anniversary of the Great Battle...and what she had done in the wake of that. Giving up her kits had been a difficult decision and not one she had ever wanted to make. But her paranoia was too strong and she hoped they might have been safer away from the newly formed ShadowClan and SkyClan. The guilt and shame over what she had done ate away at her constantly,; some days were easier than others, but always the pain remained.

The arrival of two new litters at this time of year had only exacerbated her own feelings. Other queens had given birth to litters since she had given hers up or rather created the lie that they had been taken by a predator in the night, but this many kits at this time of year only served to worsen her feelings.

She could scarcely eat, she could scarcely sleep. Her guilt was consuming her. And the worst thing was that she had no one to speak to about it. No mate, no close friends, no family. Dewfrost would have to suffer alone.

That morning she had managed to eat a little bit of a sparrow before her appetite seemed to wane once again. Anyone passing by would have heard her sigh as she nudged the prey away from her, unable to consume much else without feeling ill.

// TL:DR - dewfrost is just sitting wallowing in her feelings and unable to eat.
canonically she "lost" her kits around a year ago or so, telling the lie to shadowclan that they were stolen by predators in the night when in reality she abandoned them on thunderclan land. some older cats might be aware of this!​

 

[CHILLEDSTAR.]

DON'T YOU GIVE ME UP, PLEASE DON'T GIVE UP​

---

"dewfrost."

the leader's voice is not harsh but not exactly warm either. it has nothing to do with who they were talking to, and more to do with the fact that they were talking at all. the leader slows themself and stands by the former queen. chilled remembered the loss she shared with them... they had no idea all of the details but whatever it was, it was eating at her enough that she didn't wish to eat herself.

"you doing alright? surely not wasting prey... how are you feeling?"

they asked, furrowing their brows worriedly. shadowclanners rarely wasted food, as they had never known when they'd have their next meal. this was an unusual thing to see for sure.
​

 

[smogstar]

Dewfrost's bearing is not unlike a wilted flower, weary in the wake of a vicious downpour. What vibrance once painted her petals had long since withered away, surrendered to the march of time, now a muted and monotone pallor. Like many a clanmate, her trajectory was forever altered as an outcome of the Great Battle. Scars and scratches which they all carry, and ought to work towards overcoming. But, unlike his other peers who remained trapped by their memories, Smogmaw could spare a speck of sympathy for the star-streaked she-cat. The loss of one's kits is no mere obstacle to prevail over—it is an irreparable vaccuum, a hollowed-out opening in the soul itself. That much he understands, that much he could observe in the depths of her dismal gaze.

Obliging paws follow on his leader's tail, measured in pace and finding purchase on the sodden muck underfoot. His manner contrasts Chilledstar's straightforwardness; head slung low, eyes flitting from side to side, alert to the surrounding shadows that envelop the damp swamp. Carefully placing their candor beside a gently coaxed meekness, especially when speaking to clanmates, attunes him to the nuances of their emotional states.

"When fresh-kill loses its appeal, there's something going on," meows Smogmaw, circling around the leader's flank and settling a hare's leap away. "Something on the inside," he says, "something we can't see." He's merely putting voice to the obvious here, but it serves as a gentle indicator of his understanding. While never ritually acquainted, the former queen is an object of familiarity from a bygone age, when they carried simpler names and less celestial worldviews. The dark stripes along his tail mingle with snowy strands as it idly brushes Chilledstar's front paw. An apologetic, sidelong glance is given, before his regard shifts back towards Dewfrost. ​

 

[STUMPYSPOTS]

STUMPYSPOTS ♀​ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♡ ♡​

Queen’s never forget the loss of their kits. It was a sting that never went away, a heartache that could not be cured. She’s watched many in her time enter the nursery and return to warrior duties without kits to call her own, buried in the ground with hardly a shot at life. Dewfrost among them. Stumpyspots cannot imagine what it must’ve been like to lose them so young, so cruelly. The arrival of new litters often brought a former queen to reflect on her lost kits, it made her sad, she knew all too well. Unlike Chilledstar and Smogmaw’s approach to comforting the warrior, Stumpyspots opts to try and distract her entirely from what’s wrong. No amount of explaining or talking about it would mend the pain. Perhaps former mother to former mother they could unite in their grief and turn it into something good. ”If its stomach knots maybe we can get them to settle with a bit of hunting? After chasing the thrill of the hunt I always, naturally, find myself in a better mood to eat.” Stumpyspots was always in the mood to eat… but she’d make just about anything up to get Dewfrost out of her sorrowful head.

 

[Dewfrost]

Chilledstar's voice cuts through the air like a whip and Dewfrost blinks in surprise when she spots Chilledstar hovering close to her, asking if she was wasting food. Her eyes go wide and she struggles to put words in her mouth, grateful when Smogmaw also approaches and speaks up. He makes light of something being wrong on the inside and Dewfrost has to fight the urge to nod in agreement. "I am not wasting prey," Dewfrsot assures the ShadowClan leader. "It is just...as Smogmaw suggested my thoughts have been elsewhere as of late." She's vague on the details, as always, but most of the cats here knew about her history thanks to the lies she had weaved. "I lost my appetite but I'll try my best to finish the bird."

She's managed a few weary bites before another voice cuts in, and she looks over at Stumpyspots appreciatively. "A hunt might do me some good," Dewfrost meowed in agreement. ​