private In your golden hour ƚƚ Stagpaw

Houndshade

Houndshade

Lowering your expectations
May 26, 2024
60
4
8
YOU THINK THAT YOU'RE THE MAN​
✦

There are rare moments of reprieve where the stars seem to align so that Stagpaw and her share time off together, can it be classified as a truce? At least they liked to think as such, today was one of these rare moments. Her long drapery of fur flows in the wind as the sun begins to lower from the sky, not quite twilight yet but beyond the post midday period. She would be a warrior next meeting, that was something that their mentor had noticed it seemed. She was determined to work them to the bone, well maybe that was a dramatic overstatement but it certainly felt like that some days, especially with the heat of the sun settling in. They had no idea why she would want to train in the sunlight these days but who were they to question her methods, it got them this far she guessed. The ache in her paws could become a distant memory for the rest of today at least, now she got to partake in her favourite pastime which was pestering Stagpaw.

Not that they should be pestering them since this is supposed to be a truce. If they really cared about that then surely they would tell her, but she had a feeling that she wouldn’t. “Stagpaw!” She calls out as she pokes her head into the apprentice den, tail swaying as a mischievous glint can’t help but worm it’s way into her eyes. “Could I steal a paw to help me with something?” They blink up at her, having the audacity to pretend to be bashful in their request, even sprinkling in a fluttering of eyes just to punctuate how much she wanted their attention right now.

Presuming that they will follow her they promptly turn to lead them, if not from the goodness of their heart then maybe just because she was curious. When did Houndpaw ever ask for help after all? With a flick of her tail she wanders over to one of the quieter corners of camp, tucking spindly legs under her as she rests against the cool ground. A lazy half smile greets their rival with a raise of their tail as greeting “do you think you could help get some of this dirt off me? Cloudpounce has me working overtime” she sighs dramatically. It was true but also they were just looking for the excuse to talk with them, they extended a paw to pat at the ground to gesture them over.

“I could help you out too if you need? Your choice though” they weren’t going to force them to spend time with her if she didn’t want to. Yet again she was confident that they wouldn’t leave, maybe say no to her being so close but Stagpaw wouldn’t leave.

{ @STAGPAW. }​
​

✦
I THINK, THEREFORE, I AM​

 
YOU ALWAYS SAID HOW YOU LIKE DOGS​
they know it's coming. the day they become a warrior. the day they become someone worthy of their parents. the day they become someone that can be respected, that their mentor would no longer baby or scold for small mistakes. so why do they not feel ready? why does it feel like the weight of it all is crashing onto them? they've been working even more hard– if at all possible. they truly don't stop until they're barely able to stand, and their mentor only allows it, saying that a true warrior never sleeps. how untrue is that– even the best of warriors need to sleep eventually. but they don't protest... not aloud at least. their ears flick with frustration as they push into the apprentice den and flop into their nest. their paws ache– their entire body does. maybe they should see gentlestorm for something but in their mind, that's partially admitting that they cannot handle the workload. they can. they will. they will simply have to suck it up.

she perks up her ears as the all too familiar voice of a fellow apprentice and denmate peaks into the den. of course they're bothering her for something. why couldn't they just leave her be for one day? because she doesn't really want that, does she? she grunts in annoyance as she moves to stand up on aching paws. houndpaw is sure to wake up every apprentice in this damned den with all this ruckus they're making. her ears pin back and an unamused look sits on her face.

"if it will get you to be quiet, then fine."

they bitterly step out of the den, following houndpaw as she leads them to a more secluded corner of camp. it was weird, they guessed, for her to ask them for help. must have been important, they guessed. their ears twitch back as they watch her lay down, and ask for help grooming her disgusting fur. eugh. what was she doing out there, rolling in the mud and dust?

"fine. but only because you look squirrel-brained with all of this muck on you."

she settles down fully, gritting her teeth as the feeling of finally being off her paws makes her body release some of its tension that it's determined to hold on to.

"do whatever you want. you will anyways."

they mutter as they begin to clean through her fur.

"does working you to the bone mean actually making you practice, instead of letting you laze around camp all day?"

​
 
YOU THINK THAT YOU'RE THE MAN​
✦

It's difficult to tell if Stagpaw was disappointed, disgusted, annoyed or ambivalent to her request. Chances were that it was probably either annoyed or disgusted. They seemed to feel that way a lot around her, at least from the glimpses of insight they can manage to glean from her expression and tone whenever they're together.

Houndpaw wouldn't say that she hated them, sure they're a brute with a small brain who can't seem to take care of themself but she didn't hate them for it. Would they share her sentiment? Probably not but if she hated them then why would they agree to sharing tongues? It was a difficult thing to try and understand Stagpaw. She tried to, it did leave more headaches than epiphanies though. “You're too kind” with a roll of her eyes and laugh as she watches them settle down. Satisfaction evident that they did what she asked, a smug smile flattering their features.

Did they really look squirrel-brained? It slowly dawned on her what they said after she had actually settled down. She debates grilling Stagpaw over it, trying to fry her nerves with chittering of offence but they were doing her a favour. Instead they let herself curl beside their denmate, rolling the insult off as she scoots close beside them. “Yeah, you're right. And what I want to do today is to help, you look like you never clean yourself” there's a sharp tsk as impassive eyes rake over the sight of them.

It was an exaggeration, she looked fine. They were pretty sure they were right though, did she even have time to look after herself with all this pointless training? There was no doubt that her rival would do fine in their assessment, she had no doubt that she'd earn her warrior name easily enough without all this extra work. This time Stagpaw’s comments earn a sharp gasp of offence, she stares at them then narrows her eyes.

“I actually do practise and train you know?” Their apprenticeship was closing so it only made sense to be at least a little more candid about what she did all the time. “I just did most of it at night, I don't like being looked at by everyone. Too much expectation to be good at it if you're in the camp's eyes” they comment with a sniff, trying to carry an indolent attitude. They waited for a pause to lick at the fur on the back of Stagpaw’s neck, it had been bothering her. She works in silence, at least from her. Pulling away when a new question pops in her mind, the opportunity to maybe get to know them just a little better. “We're warriors soon, are you excited? Do you think you'll still work just as hard?” She doesn't mince words, getting straight to the point. There was a hope that they would say no, that they may actually let themself rest once for once when they become a warrior. ​

✦
I THINK, THEREFORE, I AM​

 
YOU ALWAYS SAID HOW YOU LIKE DOGS​
"what? i do clean myself i just- i– whatever."

they find themself snorting, embarrassment settling within their very bones, and they stop grooming houndpaw to lick down the fur on their own chest. did they really not look like they groomed themself? their ears pinned back as they aptly avoid her gaze. if they always looked like that, why didn't she say something? they thought they were... civil enough for her to say something. she's never held back before so why now? their eyes close and they swallow thickly. no wonder their parents barley looked at them these days. they looked a mess, apparently. they'd be embarrassed of their own kit if they didn't properly groom themself and barely could hunt to save their life. they turn their attention back to houndpaw, deciding to mostly be quiet. that is, until houndpaw speaks again. for a cat that doesn't like to talk a lot, houndpaw sure seems to talk their ears off.

"i know that. i said day. not night. i watch you when you train. if i am training at least."

she tries to say, instead of just outright saying she watches them because they're... really good at what they do. fighting. hunting. they are going to be a great warrior and that makes them feel a lot of things. anger. jealousy... an odd sense of happiness? she doesn't know what to call that to be honest. but watching them train when they don't believe anyone is watching is like watching a wild dog in their element. running freely through the fields, without a care in the world. just free. and just right. she yearns for that and in a sense she yearns for them all the same but she will never tell them that. would never give them the satisfaction. she jolts, however, at the mention of their impending warriorship. she... thinks about it everyday. every single day. so much so that her paws are bleeding from working so hard. even now her paws ache and she tries to ignore the throbbing while she cleans through houndpaw's fur.

"of course i will work just as hard. being a warrior doesn't mean I get to slow down. I have to be better. I have to... to..."

make them proud. make you proud. why do I want you to be proud of me? what is the matter with me? they flatten their ears against their head as they just continuing cleaning.

"we have an entire clan to protect when we are warriors. can't slow down. you've gotta stay sharp. will you work that hard, hm?"

​
 
YOU THINK THAT YOU'RE THE MAN​
✦

She narrows her eyes, front paws crossing over each other as she regards Stagpaw with suspicion. “Sure, maybe with your eyes closed” she teases with a chuckle. They didn’t mean anything particularly nasty by it but they were ignorant to how it was being perceived. An inclination began to dawn on them when her denmate licked down her own fur, a rare frown is seen in this moment. She wasn’t always smiling but even then her resting face was pretty neutral, a scowl like this was uncommon. She really messed up here didn’t she? “It’s okay, you’re lucky that I’m willing to help” she declared in an attempt to really save herself from her own critical thinking.

That didn’t really seem to save the conversation though as she too lapsed into silence. Until they had mentioned her perceived lack of training, it really shouldn’t bother them that Stagpaw thought them so incapable. It was her own fault though, she knew that they couldn’t really be that upset about it yet they still were. There’s a shrug given in response, a huff escaping her as she rests her head against the other apprentice, at first they were too frustrated with the fact that they thought she did nothing all day to notice what they had said. Yeah she wasn’t wrong, they do like to laze around throughout the day but not all day, just for long stretches of time.

“I still do stuff doing the day too ykn- you watch me when I train?” Their words do eventually catch up to them, causing her to stumble over her own retort. She isn’t entirely sure why but they feel their ears flush in warmth at the feeling, they’d be blushing if that was possible. Houndpaw can only blink at them for a moment, unsure of what they should even say to that. She should be annoyed, right? Embarrassed? Yet she can’t help but feel flattered instead, sure a little annoyed that they hadn’t managed to catch the chimera watching them but for the majority it felt kind of nice? “How long have you been doing that for?” She sits up a little straighter, watching her with a tilt to their head.

The chocolate smoke decides that this was a good thing, if Stagpaw actually hated them then she wouldn’t go out of her way to watch them train. That’s what she decided to tell herself as she groomed their fur, a barely noticeable purr rumbling from her as tangible evidence that she was pleased with this information. The jolt ceases that tranquil satisfaction, features laced with concern as originally they assumed that they hurt her somehow. She’d snap at them though if she did right? So it must be related to her question rather than her actions.

Her teeth gnaw at her cheek as she is once again scowling, it’s from a place of worry. Pride got in the way of a lot of things between them but they tried to make it clear whenever she was worried for them. Their friendship, if one could call it that, was strange but there was trust that they would always be honest with one another. They twist and sit up, stopping Stagpaw from cleaning her fur, moving so they could bump their head against the underside of her friend's chin. “You’re already great, better than some of the warriors here.” Her voice for once conveyed the worry that she tried to previously only show in her expression. It seems nothing gets through to them so maybe actually vocalising it will make a difference.

Why was she so worried for them anyways? It should be none of their concern that she’s doing this to herself and yet here they were. “I don’t want to work myself that hard, I can stay sharp without doing it. Working yourself too hard is going to do more harm than good Stagpaw, you need to know when to rest.” They overdid it sometimes and she was aware of that but in her opinion it was better than burning herself out like Stagpaw was. “You’re doing enough as is, you’re enough. Okay? Who am I going to annoy if you work yourself too hard and wind up stuck in the medicine cat den? I'm lonely on days that I can't bug you.” Because that’s what this was, wasn’t it? Just annoyed that she wouldn’t be able to pester them. No, that wasn’t the case, they had reluctantly been aware of the lingering looks that she sometimes gives them, masquerading them as scathing irritation but it was something more.
​

✦
I THINK, THEREFORE, I AM​

 
YOU ALWAYS SAID HOW YOU LIKE DOGS​
"you watch me train?

she nods her head quickly, brows furrowing slightly in confusion.

"how long have you been doing that?

how long? long enough for it to become second nature. like that of a spar, their eyes don't leave her when she trains. it's amazing how nice she looks beneath the rays of a moon. maybe they'd realize she looks just as good in the sun if they hadn't tried so hard to try and see the faults in her. more and more, though, as they grow older, they realize they didn't mind her faults all that much. it was what made her who she was. made her their friend. could they call her that? yes, they had their differences, and they argued sometimes– a lot of the time– but there was no one they relied on more. no one they wanted around more than her. what is with me? what the hell is happening?

"a few moons. at first i just wanted to... i don't know... figure out how you hunted. try to be good like you. then it just became habit. you're going to be a great warrior. you've... always been real good st stuff like that."

the sudden twist of their body makes her blink, and her entire body heats up with so many emotions hitting her all at once. she doesn't even know how to pin point one of them, let alone the rest that swim with it, as they brush under her chin. her heart thumps like a rabbit's foot against her ribcage, and she finds herself speechless. she can't even really comprehend whats being said at first. it takes her a moment to calm down and to replace the words in her head.

"...do you really mean it? you're not messing with me? this isn't one of those things where you laugh at me for being vulnerable for a moment? ...please tell me you actually mean it, houndpaw. i'm serious."

the words spill out faster than they can catch them. they don't think they would be able to handle it if she was joking. or forgive her if she was playing with their feelings. the one time they're willing to speak up–

"i don't know how to rest. my brain just keeps going. like a mouse gathering food for the leafbare. it doesn't... what will my parents think if they see me?"

they're not watching. they haven't been for a long time. but... houndpaw is.

then they say it. they say that she is enough. she's doing enough. she's... taken aback to say the least. her eyes widen, mix matched gaze staring down at houndpaw before tears pricking at her eyes, before she does something that even she doesn't expect to do. she presses her face against houndpaw's shoulder, trying to find some sort of comfort in their fur as she silently cries. a sniffle leaves her and she pulls back after a bit, rubbing her face with an unusually unreadable expression on her face and an oddly soft look in her eyes.

"i swear to the stars if you're messin with me..."

they can't help the way they smile. a real genuine smile. stars know the last time they've done that. it feels weird. it feels okay, though, so long as houndpaw is here. you've done something to me. you and your wicked charms.

"don't worry I'm not going anywhere. how else am i going to keep you from sleeping at night if I'm not pushing you out of your nest. now let me finish helping you get the mud out. ive done enough... feelings for a life time."

her smile falls but the softness in her features remain. i don't think i need them to be proud of me, so long as houndpaw is.

​
 
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