private INNOCENT SINNER / cinderfrost

[Sunnyday]

☀ - WHILST MY HEART STILL BEATS
Waking from the nightmare had been harder this time around. The winding tendrils enveloped him, clinging like brambles and offering no mercy from the horrific images that plagued his mind. By the time he finally escaped into the realm of the waking he had already wrecked his nest through the flailing of his paws when he had battled the haunting visage of the rogue from his past. Again he was made to endure the agony of gulping down air past a scar that was too tight on his side. The tom needed to settle from his sense of panic and the only effective way that he had found in order to do so was to walk it off. Last time his clanmates had found him, but this time he intended to keep things to himself. Alone. He wanted to be alone and spared from showing his vulnerable side.

Again he tiptoed past the slumbering bodies in the den, again he slipped out past the dirtplace, but unlike last time he walked in a straight line towards the border edge. He passed it by and made the journey out into unclaimed lands with the sole intention of finding peace within himself. The grounds weren't entirely unknown to him, but he wouldn't claim himself as being an expert either. He made sure to take note of landmarks as he passed them so he could find his way back with as little trouble as possible. The only trouble he'd find would be from going back. He shouldn't be away from the camp, but he just couldn't bear to remain there when in such a state.

The unexpected opportunity to hunt was what made him give pause from his wanderings, and with trained skill he was upon the vole in an instant. "A pity I won't be able to eat all of you." He mused to himself as he pushed the fat, lifeless vole about with a paw.

// @cinderfrost ​

 

[salamander]

Lost eyes stared down at her empty, ugly forepaws. The plump vole had been within grasp when they began to sear with brutal pain. Mentally exhausted and physically frail, the icy molly struggled to push through the hurt - to finish her hunt. Her lungs coughed up a dry chuckle. When did she become so pathetic? Once upon a time, she'd been a strong warrior who easily dismissed physical pain and pressed on despite any injuries. She remembered that she-cat: the molly who crawled and endured through it all. She grasped onto the thinly threaded memory.

Unfortunately, by the time her pitiful physique managed to track down the vole again time had run out albeit not in the way she expected. Instead of finding herself looking down into a deep tunnel, she found the vole lifeless at the paws of another. Fair. She sabotaged her own hunt but at least the prey couldn't taunt her from the safety of its home.

On trembling paws, she turned around to leave. Wait. She froze midstep, slowly turning back toward the silhouette to reveal- "Sunnyday?" Instead of the usual strength and assurance it held, her voice was tiny and quietened by disbelief. ​

 

[Sunnyday]

☀ - WHILST MY HEART STILL BEATS
Alone. He had come out into lands beyond ThunderClan's border in order to be alone as he worked through his thoughts and worries. But as he turned his head and caught sight of a familiar blue-grey pelt he was rocked to the core. In dumbfounded awe he found himself helplessly gawking, his jaw parted open as if longing to speak but failing to find the right words. But there was no sign of maliciousness or hatred in the way he looked at her, but rather there was joy and concern bundled together into a messy package.

"Cinderfrost..." He longed to close the distance but he held back out of fear of spooking her. Last thing he wanted was for the she-cat to think that she was going to be attacked. The tom took in the features of the former medicine cat and he felt a pang of guilt strike him. He had sulked about her exile but hadn't done a damned thing to stop it, and it made him feel like he had condemned her to this life himself.

Slowly his attention drifted to that of the vole and he proceeded to nudge it forward with his nose, giving it up as a peace offering. "I... I think you need this more than I do." A strained chuckle escaped him as the words left his mouth and the brief flash of a smile was replaced with a hesitant frown. "I'm sorry.... I'm so sorry." What could he truly say in that moment? How are you doing? Nice weather we're having. How's the loner life going? Ridiculous drivel, the lot of it. He could plainly see that things were not well and he truly believed that she did not deserve this. ​

 

[salamander]

Pinned ears surged with a sudden and intense rush of heat. It rivaled the deep burns forever scorched into her shoulders and forepaws. An exaggeration, yes, but a comparison that felt accurate given the current circumstances. She wanted to squirm beneath his gaze but what little pride remained refused to bow. Not that Sunnyday would want that. Unless the tom had transformed into an entirely different cat during her absence.

He looked and acted like he'd seen a ghost. Which wasn't entirely false. She'd withered away, fading back into the husk she'd been when she first arrived in ThunderClan. She was a wraith who haunted the outskirts of her past life, her soul lingering near ThunderClan and ShadowClan.

A sheathed paw stretched out toward Sunnyday. For a moment, she looked poised and ready to strike. Instead, her paw tried to gently "boop" his head. A minuscule smile, one barely even there, twitched her lip ever so slightly. "I dug my own grave." she assured him.

And it was true. She tried so, so hard to rebuild her life after the Great Battle but she hadn't been strong enough to accomplish such lofty goals. Plus, her conflicted ideals made it impossible to make any true progress. She'd been a walking and talking contradiction.

Her tongue tied when she fumbled upon a name she'd once cherished so, "And.. and call me Salamander." Self-identity had been a struggle for the molly. When she learned of her father's death, she'd thought of his words and adamance that she was his daughter. She decided to honor his memory and reclaim her birth name. It had been tainted by her actions so only she could cleanse it of its filth.

"I must look terrible for you to be offering me your catch." There was a mixture of slight irritation and amusement in her voice - a strange combination. She hated to be pitied but she also knew the vole was much needed. Not for her but for the little ones in her growing stomach. ​

 

[Sunnyday]

☀ - WHILST MY HEART STILL BEATS
The tom's gaze was on the paw when it was raised, though he didn't tense up or shy away from it. If anything he simply looked hypnotised by it until he was bopped on the head, which snapped him out of his stupor. Dug her own grave? Perhaps, but he wasn't able to drop his sense of guilt just like that. He'd likely always hold onto it alongside all his other past mistakes.

He wasn't given time to dwell on it for too long before Cinderfrost pressed on, requesting to be called by a different name. The tom blinked in surprise, though he gave a nod of his head in understanding. "Salamander." The name rolled off his tongue in a strangely natural manner which caused him to offer up a smile. "I like it." He added with a brief purr.

"A little, but I also believe in keeping my friends fed first." Sunnyday had no intention of turning his back on her, not now or ever. His heart wouldn't allow it. Though as his eyes roved over her features once more he finally detected that something was indeed quite different about her. It reminded him of how Sunfreckle and Little Wolf had looked before they eventually popped life out into the world. This wasn't fat or some poison growing inside the body, this was a sign of pregnancy. At least he believed so, but he excelled in the professionalism of stupidity so who was he to judge? It was the longing for an answer that finally drove him to inquire. "Salamander, if you don't mind me prying, but... are you... pregnant?" As the question left his mouth he immediately braced himself for a smack.​

 

[salamander]

"It's the name my father gave me." she quickly explained. He must've thought it strange for her to suddenly press a "random" name onto him when all he ever knew was "Cinderfrost". The StarClan given name, blessed as it was by Hare Whiskers, had turned into a curse. She had never addressed herself by her medicine cat name because it didn't feel like her's. Unfortunately, instincts had proven correctly when she failed time and time again to be the healer the stars and ThunderClan wanted her to be.

Internal musings were abruptly cut off. He believed in keeping his friends fed first... Friends? "Then, we are friends?" she dumbly asked. The title of "friend" had never been one she used lightly. And betrayal by those she referred to in such a manner had soured the word entirely.

Though flattered, the molly scolded the tom cat, "The bellies of your clanmates should be filled before that of friends." She wasn't in a position to deny food but pride was a stubborn, foolish beast. Besides, there were more who needed food than her. Sunfreckle's kits, the elders, the queens-

Oh... Wait. She belonged to that latter category now. But, at the same time, she didn't. She wasn't a ThunderClan queen. Her kits wouldn't be born within the security of a colony (or clans as they were now referred to).

Sunnyday seemingly read her mind and asked a question she struggled to answer. Sullen eyes focused shakily on the ground. She didn't want to see the judgement in his gaze. Slowly, she nodded an affirmative. "Yes." Standing there, she felt incredibly self-conscious. He must think it impossible for one such as her to ever fall pregnant. She became acutely aware of her appearance: she was a scarred, burned molly who could only be loved beneath the moonlight. Combined with her attitude, she was far from a fetching catch.

"The night of the medicine cat gathering. After I attacked Bone..." Her voice, made tiny by shame, trailed off into the night.​

 

[Sunnyday]

☀ - WHILST MY HEART STILL BEATS
Ah, so not a name plucked from the ether, but rather a return to one's roots. He still stood by his compliment all the same and he just hoped that she was happy with being called as such. In contrast his birth name wasn't overly different from his current one, he had always been Sunny, named after his mother, Sunflower. The rest of his name was given after his mother returned to her wild roots when it became clear that life in twolegplace wasn't going to work out.

"The clan will be fine without this single vole. I can always hunt something on the way back in order to atone." Admittedly he wasn't overly keen on returning to camp, the place he was technically meant to be for the next quarter moon. Twice he had snuck out, so no doubt he'd feel the resulting wrath the moment he dared to return. He might as well make the most of it, or catch something truly worthy on the way home to detract from what he had been up to. Besides, he wanted to stay with Salamander, at least for a little while longer. When else would he get the chance to see her again after this?

The tom wouldn't deny that a ripple of agitation wormed it's way up his spine, but the feeling wasn't directed at the she-cat before him. No, it was directed at the faceless tom who had brought this predicament about and now stood absent. If life wasn't difficult enough for her before, now it had the added complexities of having even more lives hanging in the balance. In her exiled state she couldn't even turn to the protection and support of a clan to aid her during her time of need. Sunnyday closed the distance with the intentions of licking her over one ear before shifting to sit beside her with their pelts touching in a bid to share warmth. "I see." He wasn't sure how else to respond, not when a strange tingle of jealousy sat at the back of his mind alongside that of disappointment over what had occurred with Bonejaw. The path of history was set in stone now, all they could do was march on into the next day. "May I stay here with you, at least for a little while?"​

 

[salamander]

"I suppose that will be fine, then." she huffed. Agitation caused her tail to swish. Besides her twitching tail, there were no other physical manifestations of her annoyance. Because it wasn't Sunnyday she was angry with. It was herself. She hated how weak and vulnerable she was. Oh, how the mighty had fallen: from a keen hunter for her colony to a loner feasting on scraps. "I'll accept but only if you promise to find something for Sunfreckle's kits." She missed them.

She visibly flinched, predictively jerking away from- His tongue? Well, that wasn't expected. The skin beneath her fur flushed in flustered embarrassment. She didn't move away, though. Instead, she leaned into him and his warmth. For the first time in a while, she felt safe. She wanted to savor the moment for as long as she could: before either herself or her twisted fate could screw it up. Beneath his touch, the ice queen melted.

Questions buzzed in her head like annoying gnats. Wasn't he disappointed in her? His voice expressed the disapproval she expected but his actions spoke otherwise. "They'll be mad if they smell me on you." she warned though her eyes begged for him to stay. Loneliness threatened to consume her if he didn't. Still, her words attempted to push him away, to protect him from herself, "You may be punished or receive dirty, suspicious looks."​

 

[Sunnyday]

☀ - WHILST MY HEART STILL BEATS
"I promise I will do so, fear not." Queens and kits first, right? Now he really would have to ensure that he had a successful hunt when returning home. The thought gave him some small amusement and it showed in the way in which his blue eyes sparkled. Feeling the she-cat press into his side he instinctively aimed to wrap his bushy tail around her in a comforting embrace.

"They are likely mad already. I am already breaking my punishment from a stupid decision I made recently, where I am bound to the confines of the camp. I already receive looks of suspicion after I walked away during Emberstar's announcement of your exile." Sunnyday began as he turned his head so he could gaze at the she-cat at his side whilst a smile found its way back onto his features. "What difference will this make, beyond giving us a moment of peace and happiness?" Such fleeting moments were few and far between, and given the grim outlooks that they both potentially faced could they really afford to pass them by? Loners rarely had good prospects, and his ailing health meant that he would likely never become an elder.

"Let me make the stupid mistake this time."​

 

[salamander]

"Good." His promise alleviated some of her worries but many still remained. Colorful leaves already littered then grounds. It created a beautiful landscape. However, they also served as a warning. Naked trees signaled the fast approach of leafbare. The bitter chill would soon encroach on the lands, forcing prey into hiding and killing valuable resources.

The cold would cause problems for the already sickly kits. They had to spend most of their kithoods within her den. Witnessed Dovekit die. Stars, the family couldn't face another tragedy. "Make sure Berry is well-stacked with catmint. Plus tansy! Although, make sure pregnant queens don't get any of the tansy." she paused, wracking her brain for any additional.

The knowledge of Honey, Beesong, and Dawnglare poured out of her worried lips, "Oh! And the elders joints will be affected by the cold. If any daisies are still in bloom, they need to be preserved for the coming leafbare. Honestly, all herbs in the area should be collected before the frost kills them." She hadn't a clue why her nerves spiked when she thought of illness sweeping through ThunderClan's camp. Excluding her concerns for the kits' health. But why everyone else? They never believed in her so why- Stars, they couldn't suffer either. Not because of her leaving them with a cat who hadn't even been prepared to take over.

"Wait, what? Such an action shouldn't stir such suspicion!" Her fur bristled. Their hate should be focused on her. Not anyone else. Not Sunnyday. He was a sweetheart, unlike her cold-hearted self. "I can't see you making a stupid decision that would harm the clan. Well, excluding meeting and interacting with me." Her brows furrowed. She wanted to demand who dished out the punishment and ask for a description of the crime: she needed to hear an explanation as to whether it was deserved or not.

An exhausted sigh caused her to sink further into Sunnyday. "Okay, fine. But if they question it then, then tell them you came across my scent and confronted me. Or, or that I trespassed and we tussled." He shouldn't be punished when she was the idiot.

The she-cat abruptly turned solemn as her eyes searched his face. "This is a selfish request. But.. If anything happens, will you and Roe care for my children?" Roe. The imagine of the little apprentice caused tears to well up in her eyes. She wanted to talk to her. So, so badly. Yet she didn't want Roe to experience the shifting glances that she once did.
​

 

[Sunnyday]

☀ - WHILST MY HEART STILL BEATS
If a golden cat could turn white then that was exactly what would have happened to Sunnyday in that exact moment when Salamander delved into talking about herbs and clan health. It was a lot to take in and it was clear from his expression alone that he was being overwhelmed by the barrage of information. But beneath all of his confusion he was also filled with a humble feeling from knowing that she still cared for her former home. It confirmed to him that there was still a good cat there at his side. "I... I'll try to keep him right." The emphasis would be on the 'try' part of course, though considering that he couldn't tell the difference between common weeds and herbs he really didn't stand much of a chance of being useful.

"I brought an abandoned kittypet into the camp with Tybalt and Silverlightning. We didn't tell Emberstar or Howling Wind before doing so, so admittedly we did screw up. But if I'm honest I was afraid to leave the she-cat behind alone, I fear that she has some level of blindness." Sunnyday explained as he decided to give her the full story as to what had happened. "Hrm... in hindsight one of us could have remained behind with her whilst one of us fetched the higher ups. Yeah, I didn't think that one through." A groan escaped him when he mentally scolded himself for being an idiot.

"I could always roll in something before heading back. Fox dung, a carcass, something..." It was too late in the year for wild garlic, unfortunately. Then again that would have roused further suspicion and made it clear that he was definitely hiding something. "Though if we went with the tussle we'd need to make it believable, which would involve giving me a couple injuries. Think you could do that?" He wasn't looking forward to the idea but if it reduced suspicion about what was really happening then he'd gladly endure.

However, her final request made his chest tighten. If anything happened. He didn't want to think about what that could entail, and it didn't help that grim images flickered at the back of his mind. "I will. I will watch over them as if they were my own if it comes to that." It was a big responsibility, and he knew it would be a lot for the likes of Roe to shoulder. But it wouldn't be a lonely burden if it were to become the case. He'd be there, and so would the other queens if asked to do so. With the apprentice now on his mind and the sight of Salamander looking so distraught he decided to extend an offer to the she-cat. "When I return to camp is there any message that you would like me to give to Roepaw?" With luck he would be able to pull the apprentice aside and pass anything necessary along. ​

 

[salamander]

Try. Oh, right. The herbs she rattled off meant little to normal cats. It'd taken her a while to memorize their names, let alone recognize them, so it was understandable that Sunnyday struggled to fully comprehend what she said. Still, she was grateful that the tom said he would try. It comforted her.. but also pained her. Flycatcher had been correct: she foolishly risked the clan with her actions.

An exasperated roll of her eyes followed his explanation. Tsk. "You simply followed the set precedent." she argued. "Emberstar has instilled the idea that no cat be turned away. She welcomes in many loners and kittypets in without hesitation." Hypocrites. All of them.

"Unless new policies have been issued." Honestly, she prayed to the stars for that to be the reason. Considering her welcoming customs, Emberstar would starve ThunderClan. Really, had a cat ever been turned away? Especially one in need? It made little sense why Sunnyday would be punished for following the norm. "Still, you should address this with Emberstar. You're only following her example."

"Nevermind." she sighed. Sunnyday had brought up a critical flaw in her suggestion. And the answer was no. No, she couldn't hurt him. "You could say I looked close to death," which wasn't exactly a lie, "But any marsh cat would know that wouldn't stop me from fighting til my last breath." Unless they forgot that, too. They forgot most of what she'd done growing up when they blindly sided with Emberstar. It still hurt each time the realization struck.

"Thank you. You must think I'm quite the mouse-brain for getting pregnant so close to leafbare." A bitter look of self-loathing flashed on her face. Soon, it contorted further when asked if she had a message for Roe. There was so much she wanted to say. But she hadn't a clue where to begin.

She tried again and again to formulate her jumbled thoughts into an understandable sentence. Finally, she managed to quietly whisper, "That I'm sorry. That I miss her. That I think about her everyday. That I'm so proud of her." Would Roe even be willing to hear her message? She'd been angry and hurt when the blue molly left without an argument. ​

 

[Sunnyday]

☀ - WHILST MY HEART STILL BEATS
Bring it up with Emberstar? Maybe he should sit and speak with the leader at some point. In the end it had been Howling Wind who had issued the punishment that day, fuelled on by the worried queens who feared for their kits. But what had Emberstar done that day? She accepted in the stranger anyway, but had done nothing to speak out against the deputy's decision. Not even to lessen it. Who really ran ThunderClan? His expression furrowed into one of agitation as he thought about.

Sunnyday would have to think up something before returning back to camp then, a believable story that even his poor quality of lies could manage. Then again he could always hurt himself once Salamander and him parted ways. At least then she wouldn't have to lift a single claw against him. "I shall consider it. Hopefully I can figure something out to lessen whatever comes my way." It was going to be a real brain tickler, that's for sure. Regardless, he knew he would be marred with further suspicion from certain individuals.

"It's unfortunate timing, but... shit happens, right? You probably had your reasons. And I think you'll be a good mother. I just wish the circumstances were better. But I know you'll make the right choices for them." The trial ahead of her was going to be a difficult one, and he could see why she feared that things could go wrong. If anything happened he would do what he could for both her and for her children. If it meant sneaking out into loner lands just to see her again then he would. "I'll be sure to tell her." He confirmed with a nod of his head. With luck Roepaw would be willing to hear it from him.

His attention now returned to that of the vole, which hadn't been touched as of yet. "Now please eat." The tom offered it as a plea at this point as he knew that he would leave feeling easier if she had a meal in her belly. Leaning his head closer to the she-cat he then attempted to rasp his tongue over the fur of her back, intent on giving her a groom before they dared to part ways. Something he wasn't looking forward to at this point, but he knew he had to return to ThunderClan. He couldn't stay with her, no matter how badly his heart longed to do. ​

 

[salamander]

She hated the predicament her presence caused. Why had she approached him? Well, besides the vole. She should have left but instead she'd been selfish by clinging to his kind consideration. "Well, if it doesn't work you can always live with Honey and I." she joked, playfully shoving her shoulder against his. Unfortunately, her small smile couldn't mask all of her worries.

The blue molly winced when he justified her actions. "There wasn't a shred of reason behind what happened that night." she sighed. "As many have said, I'm mentally unstable. My emotions are a liability. The first time she'd spent the night with another cat and poof she was pregnant. The universe could punish her but not the innocent lives of the little ones growing in her. They didn't deserve any of what was to come.

She opened her mouth to argue the vole situation again when she felt his tongue run along her back. Now, her jaw was left agape for an entirely different reason. Ears burning red, she shakily nodded, "Fi-Fine. I'll eat the stupid thing." ​

 

[Sunnyday]

☀ - WHILST MY HEART STILL BEATS
Sunnyday let a laugh escape him as he thought about the idea of joining her in exile. "Careful, I might just do so." In reality he wouldn't be of much use to her even if he was made to live out in the no man's land, not with his ailing health. Then again... ex-medicine cats were still medicine knowledgeable. 'Maybe I'd actually stand a better chance with Salamander and Honey', he thought momentarily to himself. Not that he wanted to doubt Berryheart's capabilities, but he couldn't help but be concerned. Where most cats had plumped up during the better months of weather he had only gotten skinnier, leaving him ill-prepared for the worse moons ahead if starvation came about. Though if there were herbs that could help keep up his strength then perhaps he would survive a little better.

The tom tried to avoid imagining how she must have been on that fateful night, more so because he knew that he couldn't compare himself to anything like that. Emotionally he was different. He tried to find some logical justification within it all but he found nothing, so ultimately he decided to drop the matter. It was probably for the best.

Blue eyes closed slowly as he fell into a set rhythm as he continued to groom Salamander, busily washing away some of the filth that clung to her fur. "Good." He murmured softly with a sly smirk of amusement before he continued his efforts with renewed determination. Though when he reached her side he couldn't help but linger with a sense of fascination, knowing that small lives were growing within. Slowly he leaned in close and he aimed to touch his nose to her side, as if caught in a silent prayer. Drawing back, he then exhaled a soft sigh. "I wish... I wish things had been different. I wish..." 'that we could be together' ​