private IT SINKS LIKE A STONE | hyacinthbreath

[ASPENPAW_]

( ♬ ) It all still feels like too much is happening all at once as Aspenpaw slips back into camp, fur tussled and pawsteps hesitant. She'd never questioned it, never questioned Moonshadow, and surely not Hyacinthbreath - after all, the lead warrior could be a bit confusing at times, but she never would have thought that it could concern her. Even with her head more clear, it's still almost impossible for her to grasp, that Hyacinthbreath was her mother, that Hyacinthbreath was her mother and had been the entire time and-

Aspenpaw shakes her pelt out, trying to physically rid herself of the loop of thoughts that she already knew would get her nowhere. It had helped, being out on the moor to collect her thoughts, but even then the vicious cycle still repeated over and over again in her head, going nowhere, and she's decided that the only way real way forward from here is to break the loop. Of course, it's easier said than done, and while Aspenpaw's pelt prickles with questions and a desire to understand, she still finds herself pausing just within the boundaries of camp. She's certain that a few NPCs are staring at her, with concern or curiosity or something else, but she pays them no mind while she plots her next course of action. She should check on her siblings, of course - see how they're dealing with the news - but Aspenpaw's honestly not sure if she's ready to face them without any answers or any idea of what to do next.

It certainly crosses her mind to seek out Moonshadow, to go to her for comfort and answers, but Aspenpaw isn't sure she's ready to face her yet, either. While her main focus is still that Hyacinthbreath had been around them this entire time without saying anything, she still acknowledges somewhere in the back of her mind that Moon hadn't told them anything, either. At some point, she'll have to talk to her, find out why she hadn't told them, but Aspenpaw's worried that if she asks right now Moonshadow might try and spare her the details - or worse, she might let spill everything, even more than expected, and the apprentice isn't sure that she can handle any more major revelations before dealing with this one first. No, it seems clear that right now, she needs to seek out Hyacinthbreath (her mother) and hear what the lead warrior has to say. If Hyacinthbreath had kept this secret for this long only to reveal it out of nowhere, it stands to reason she might be more honest about it right now.

Though she knows the course of action she needs to take, Aspenpaw still hesitates, digging her claws into the sandy earth below her. She tells herself that it's only to prepare for what will surely be a tough conversation for the both of them, but deep down she's nervous about the outcome - will Hyacinthbreath actually answer her questions? What if the answers aren't satisfactory? Taking in a deep breath, Aspenpaw once again tries to tame her racing thoughts; even if she's nervous about the outcome, it doesn't erase the fact that she needs to know more, to understand why her parentage was ever a secret at all. Her paws still feel a bit sluggish as she approaches the nearest NPC, quietly asking of them when they last saw Hyacinthbreath. As she approaches, Aspenpaw has an irrational urge to turn and run, back out onto the moors, though she knows nothing good will come of it (besides, it's dangerous out there alone - she still feels a tad foolish for neglecting this fact early, and is thankful that nothing bad had happened). "Hyacinthbreath?" she calls out softly, and suddenly she's not sure what to say next. Her mind, which had been full almost to the brim a moment ago, suddenly feels so empty and so Aspenpaw just stands there, waiting for something to happen.

// @hyacinthbreath :^D​

( WE'RE ALL JUST SEARCHING FOR SOMETHING ☾ )

 

[hyacinthbreath]

Hyacinthbreath was never the type to be vulnerable around many people; she kept mostly everyone at a distance, a safe distance- as to not be hurt in the future if she loses them. She couldn't bear the loss of another she loves, the agony that felt like she was ripped apart- her body betrayed her, that night in the rain many moons ago. It shut down, and didn't come to until she had convinced herself that she was going to die for nothing. That her family would be forgotten, and nobody would hear their story; the cult wasn't always as harsh as it was. Her people were proud ones, her family was just an apple that was rottened by a worm-like cat, their beliefs tainted and shifted until nothing was left. She couldn't be what they idealized as the 'perfect child', but she never held it against them. But the thought of what could happen to her own children if she let them in; would they get hurt, too? Would they be used as another weakness, to make her suffer- to make them suffer?

She knew that it would take a bit for each of her three children to understand the truth, to process it- Hyacinthbreath knew it was the right thing to do, after she had let herself so foolishly loosen her lips when her own son was sick. When he couldn't defend himself, when she had made Moonshadow of all cats keep their sire a secret. To get their forgiveness, to get Moonshadow's forgiveness, she had to do what's right for them; give them patience, and let them process. If they chose against accepting her as their mother, she wouldn't blame them; she had only been around after they had began to form their own individuality as cats. She hadn't been there for their birthing, for Moonshadow's pregnancy- for the developing first two moons. Hyacinthbreath was a coward at heart, hiding from such a truth- staring them in the face, making them believe she was only their Lead Warrior. A twisted fantasy of her own making, and she hadn't even realized it.

Hyacinthbreath's name is called, and she recognizes the calm mezzo-soprano of her daughter instantly. She was given that privilege of being around it long enough, though she didn't deserve it. A striped tail dismisses the small patrol she had been talking with, finishing up her nightly reports of any damages in the camp after the harsh rain that had happened the night before. It had gone well; no reports of damages, with the exception of a few nests thrown into the wind overnight. The expression on her face conveys her satisfaction; the downturn of her usual stoic, cold frown no longer present. Instead, her lips are more relaxed, and a softer gait is in her body language. Hues of soft lavender-tinted blues stare down at the apprentice, Hyacinthbreath giving her full attention to the molly. She had an inkling of what this was about, but she would let Aspenpaw decide on how to lead it. She had done her part, now she had to do the right thing and give her the answers she deserved. She acknowledges the girl with a polite dip of her head, a woman of few words and more actions. "I'm assuming you have questions." The mellow, deeper germanic accent tuned; thick with interest and yet calm, like a storm quelled by quiet winds. She was ready to answer anything, though she was careful not to overwhelm her with her eagerness; she needed to respect her daughter's boundaries in this moment.​

 

[ASPENPAW_]

( ♬ ) Just like that, Hyacinthbreath's words seem to open a flood of thoughts back into Aspenpaw's head, and it's all she can do to focus on one idea at a time. Perhaps she should have thought this through earlier, prepared an idea of what she wanted to say, but all she can do now is try and untangle the truth in a way that she can understand. It's a bit intimidating how calm Hyacinthbreath seems - sure, she was the one who had admitted to being Aspenpaw's and her siblings' sire, but if it had been Aspenpaw she surely wouldn't have felt as calm as the lead warrior looked. Though, Hyacinthbreath always seemed to have a chill air about her, so maybe there really did have a swirl of emotions hidden in her, too. In that moment, watching her and wondering what's going on inside, Aspenpaw is struck once again with the truth of the matter. Standing face to face, she realizes it's almost laughable how similar they must appear; the apprentice has never been once to fuss much over her appearance, but suddenly she finds herself wishing she had inherited Moonshadow's dark coat, that she looked more like Periwinklekit.

Stamping down those thoughts for now, Aspenpaw tries to compose herself, searching for the right words. It's hard to even know where to begin; there's so much that she wants to ask and to understand, though one thought has been more persistent than the rest. "Why didn't you just tell us from the beginning? Why wait?" she askes softly. She had hoped that once she got the words out, they would stop burning in her chest, but even after asking the question Aspenpaw finds that she doesn't feel any different at all. No less convoluted are her thoughts - in fact, now that she's started, more and more questions are welling up inside. "Why didn't you want us to know?" Before she can ask her next question, she bites down on her tongue, waiting for answers. Surely there has to be some reason that Hyacinthbreath hadn't told them, that even Moonshadow hadn't told them, but whatever that reason is, Aspenpaw truly has no idea.

The idea that Hyacinthbreath just didn't want to claim them as her own them as her own has crossed her mind, but until she hears it from either Moonshadow or Hyacinthbreath herself she's loathe to believe it; after all, it's not like the lead warrior had tried to actively ignore them or anything to that effect. Sure, she'd been a bit cold in the beginning, but she'd warmed up to them, and if she had really hated them so much it would have been much easier to just flat out avoid them - after all, she wouldn't have had any reason to be particularly close to them if they weren't related. Still, if she really didn't secretly hate them, it doesn't explain why she hadn't just told them. It just doesn't make any sense to Aspenpaw, and the longer she tries to figure out Hyacinthbreath's motives the more it makes her head ache. Even if it's not what she wants to hear, she hopes that the lead warrior will at least be able to provide some sort of explanation.​

( WE'RE ALL JUST SEARCHING FOR SOMETHING ☾ )

 

[hyacinthbreath]

Hyacinthbreath watches the mix-match of emotions that flash past Aspenpaw's eyes, the way her body language changed from anxious to thought-consumed, back to nervous again. She looked scared to ask the questions that haunted her mind, and Hyacinth could understand. She had done such a horrible thing to the molly, to the rest of her siblings, too. Aspenpaw deserved better, way better. The first question comes quickly; she figured that was the biggest question weighing on little Aspenpaw's mind. Hyacinthbreath exhales a shaky breath, the cool exterior showing cracks in the porcelain soul. Why didn't you just tell us from the beginning? Why wait?

"Because being the children of a Lead Warrior isn't safe. Not in times like these. WindClan has too many enemies. I thought it would protect you, protect your mother. Though, It wasn't so much of waiting as it was.. running away from the truth." She answers soft, a flash of agony crossing violet hues as she looks at Aspenpaw. Lavenderstorm would have loved her. She quickly shoves the thought down, intrusive and disgusting; agonizing in reality. She hated Lavender for leaving her behind, when they could have been together forever- had a family of their own. "Grief does.. Horrible things to people, Aspenpaw." She mutters softly, eyes distant- as if venturing to the past. "Your mother and I.. We were best friends, before you three were born. I made the decision to keep it a secret, swore Moonshadow to secrecy, because I was a coward at heart who was scared of facing the truth." Her shoulders roll, and a sadness radiates off of them. Nothing was ever the same anymore, that much was a fact. "It took me realizing that I actually loved Moonshadow as more than a friend to see that I was wrong. You three are every bit of me as I am you. Blood of my blood. Denying that would make me worse than a coward."

Eyes of alexandrite move towards the sky, and Hyacinth shakes beneath the light of the setting moon. She wasn't perfect, but she tried to be. Her family was a fatal flaw in her system, her mechanism she worked so hard to keep hard and tough. A weakness meant she could be taken advantage of, cause the death of many of the cats who depend on her to keep them safe. "Being a Lead Warrior means that I'm expected to put my Clan first, to enforce all of Sootstar's orders. I was stupid to believe that it was right to think that way. You are my blood, so is Periwinklekit and Wisteriapaw. I should have put you three first and focused on my duties at the same time, but I was so stuck in my head. I was scared, Aspenpaw." She muttered softly, cursing herself under her breath as she shuts her eyes tight. Don't cry. Don't cry. You don't deserve to cry over something you caused.​

 

[ASPENPAW_]

( ♬ ) She listens silently, hardly daring even to breathe as Hyacinthbreath launches into the explanation that Aspenpaw so desperately desires. It wasn't...safe to tell them? That isn't exactly the answer she had expected, though really the apprentice hadn't known what to think. Really, she's still not entirely certain; it makes sense that Hya would want to protect them, whether or not they were her kits. That's just something the lead warrior would extend to any of her clanmates, after all. And, the idea that someone out there would want to hurt her and her siblings, to hurt Hyacinthbreath through them, causes a pit form in her stomach. Aspenpaw knows that she has very little idea of what the world is really like outside of Windclan, and as scary as it is, she's sure Hya is right that there are cats out there like that. All of that makes sense, and yet... "You...you could have still told us," she can't help but blurt out, almost desperately. They could have kept it a secret, between the five of them, she tells herself, even as she feels her logic start to crumble in on its own foundations. Sure, they could have kept it a secret, but would that have been any better? Knowing that Hya sired them and chose to push them all away for their own safety? It's not a question she has the answer to, though at least she wouldn't have been in the dark that way.

Aspenpaw quickly falls back into silence after her outburst, and while she's not exactly sorry for it, she tries to get ahold of herself to let Hya finish explaining before she asks more questions. Her comment about grief surprises the apprentice, though she holds her tongue this time. Was Hyacinthbreath grieving someone? With a start, she realizes she has no idea - in fact, she realizes that she doesn't really know much about Hya outside of the few things she's heard from others. It stings in a way that's becoming familiar, that she hardly knows anything about her sire, and Aspenpaw doesn't want to dwell on it any longer than she needs to at this moment. The admission that Hyacinthbreath changed her mind about keeping the truth from them after realizing her feelings for Moonshadow is perhaps even more surprising; sure, there had been a weird tension between the two, but Aspenpaw had never really thought much of it. Now, with this new information, it recontextualizes so many small interactions between them, and just knowing that makes her head feel as if it's about to start spinning all over again. This, too, is not something to dwell on for now, she decides; rather, it's something to detangle later, perhaps on her own terms.

There's a pause, but Aspenpaw isn't ready to fill it - rather, she's still watching Hyacinthbreath, waiting for something else, and she watches as the lead warrior begins to tremble. It's not something she's ever seen from Hya, having grown used to the stoic demeanor she usually displays, and it's unnerving, to say the least. None of this aligns with her image of Hyacinthbreath, the strong and proud lead warrior of Windclan, all this talk of cowardice. The intent behind her actions doesn't change the results, doesn't change the hurt, but it does help Aspenpaw to understand a little better, and for that she's certainly grateful. "It doesn't make it okay, but if you really were trying to protect us, I think I can understand," she starts, still hesitant. "And I...I don't think it's wrong to be afraid sometimes. I just - I don't know, I just wish you had trusted us from the beginning enough to know." She's not sure what else there is to say - at the end of the day, the fact that Hya had waited to tell them still hurts, no matter her motives, and once again Aspenpaw lapses into silence, processing. "What's gonna happen now?" she finally asks, in a decidedly smaller voice. Hyacinthbreath talks of putting them first, of trying to fix her mistakes, but what did that really mean for her and her siblings? Even after all this, she's not sure she really wants things to change; it's daunting, the idea that things have changed so much so quickly, but really she'd rather know and be hurt than wait any longer without realizing she was in the dark.​

( WE'RE ALL JUST SEARCHING FOR SOMETHING ☾ )