sensitive topics je te laisserai des mots | pollen

[honey]

It was time. Her lungs had burned for so long now and her body had ached. It wasn’t a normal sickness, she knew it that much, with how much pain it had been. She’s trying to make it back to the Windclan border, desperate for her kittens, for her babies, for everything she had tried to keep safe. Her legs give out from under her, toppling her down in the snow- she’s just a couple of paces away from being able to look at the border, a low whine tumbles from her mouth. She had tried to be strong about this, she really did, but it hurts too much now and silent tears run their course as she flutters her eyelids shut.

It was crazy how much had changed in the last moons of her life. She had tried to remain stoic, sweet to her clan but when the cats looked at you with such disdain- she has to take a deep breath, shuddering, even breathing hurts at this point. The world is spinning and the only thing she has on her mind is regrets. She had left Pollenfur alone to fend in a clan that wanted to crush the loving cats beneath their heel, she has left her babies to fester as well. She had just tried to drag her back, she had just- a cough wracks her body, blood dribbling from her lip. Oh Stars would she kill for her throat to not be sore, raw enough to bleed.

Another whine as she does her best to shift. Her stomach hurts, too, and so does her head. She wants to see Bumble again, her beautiful boy, and Lemon, her son that had grown in to such a fine warrior. Melon… Wasn’t happy. Honey hadn’t forced her in to a hug but Melon had shied away from her anyways and after all Honey supposes she doesn’t blame her. She had ruined countless lives that night and anger burns at her pelt. Once again does she find herself wishing they had just executed her instead. Stepping down, what a fad, she had reaped what she sowed she guessed. And poor Dandelionpaw, she still doesn’t know his full name. A cat beloved to her, she sincerely wishes she could say sorry, a sigh slips from her mouth.

Another dizzy spell and Honey is afraid of dying alone. She sinks further in to the snow, panting, would she meet them? Would she meet with the stars or would she be met with silence as they had been for her loner life? Shes terrified. She doesn’t want to find out and so she lays there silently in the snow, in pain and contemplating. She hopes her death will be merciful, shes… tired. So tired. Whatever happens she’ll face it head-on… No more running, she decides.

// @POLLENFUR

 

[POLLENFUR]

She no longer bears the burden of being a WindClan warrior, a soldier bought and sold by Sootstar. The moorland no longer belongs to her, and neither do any of his inhabitants -- those who remain are WindClanners, even the kin she loves so dearly. Pollenfur's escape into the frigid night had been abandonment, and she's thought carefully about how history repeats itself.

How time has found her, wandering in a circle.

The shape in the snow, it's like a mirage. A familiar scent tainted by blood, by sickness. Pollenfur's chest is leaden and heavy as she traipses through the wintry landscape. She knows the softness of that pelt, the curve of her neck and shoulders.

If she were to turn and look Pollenfur in the eyes, a sunlit sky would meet trickling honeycomb, and birds would chirp again. She'd feel the warmth of an absent sun seep through her fur and into her flesh, into her frozen bones, her vacant dark heart.

"Honeytwist," she says, her words soft and curled like feathers. She bends close to the she-cat, astonished at the stiffness of her body already. She's not dead, she's not -- but Pollenfur's tears are coming fast and hot.

"My love." She presses her face into the fur between Honeytwist's shoulders, breathing in a scent that makes her body ache as it trembles. "You're not well. I can try to find Dandelionwish, but I..." She huddles close to the woman she'd fallen in love with so many moons ago, the woman who'd anchored her first to WindClan. She imparts what little body heat she can share. "I'm not of his Clan any longer, either," she whispers.

Are her tears freezing, too? They feel hot as erupting blood. She does bleed for Honeytwist, for the she-cat who had sacrificed so much of herself for a Clan who did not care. Who had left so many in her wake when she'd fled.

Pollenfur's body shakes, it shakes. "Please, say something," she says, and she's crying.​

 

[honey]

She shifts upwards to try to sit up and Stars, has the snow always been this bright? A cough wracks her body once more, and the Stars come to taunt her with a voice she knows far too well. "Please, stop." she sputters as tears come to the surface. A cruel taunt, thats what it was because Pollenfur was in Windclan and she had just... Been so close, so, so close. Theres a pressure between her shoulders that makes her hesitate.

Theres a light windblown heather scent that wraps around her. She knows that, she knows it, the Stars weren't taunting her, it was really her. "Ma chérie?" her voice is broken and her heart bleeds and all she wants to do is whip around and bury her face in to Pollen. A choked sob leaves her mouth. She wasn't ready to go yet, not that Pollen was here now. She just wants to relax in to her touch as she had so many times before, eyes fluttering shut.

"Dandelionwish? Thats... his name now?" shes proud. Oh, shes so proud and as Pollen huddles close she lets out a breath of relief, shaky and weak. Satisfied, she could die right now. She could die besides the cat she has truly loved since she had left, eyes open and she shifts, a lot of effort just so she could see Pollens eyes. Fiery amber, a color that had so quickly become her favorite. "I love you. I loved you. I always will." she hiccups, a frown growing across her lips and it feels as if her heart was lit on fire before her. Pollen speaks of not being in the clan any longer, relief sags her shoulders. She was okay, she was fine, Pollen had escaped. Her children were okay, her beloved was fine.

"I'm okay." she isn't. "I'll be fine." a lie, sugar-coated with a breathless smile. Her heads gone foggy and she knows it not long but shes hanging on, shes forcing herself to hang on. "Don't worry about me. I... I'm sorry, Pollen." she wants her to know how in love she was, how terrible she had felt leaving. How she hadn't wanted to condemn them to the same fate she had. "I was trying to protect you. My children- I see now that it was futile. I'm sorry, that I hurt you." oh, she would have taken them with her if she had known Windclan was going in a worse direction than she had left it. She doesn't expect Pollen to accept her apology, she had left her. She had left Pollen behind, her children, out of anger. She left Pollen by herself.

She leans against her, like the old days. How much longer could she stay upright until her body gave out, until the stars sucked her in? She could stay like this for eternity if she could, she'd fight off the star cats herself if it meant she could have a singular night with Pollen once more.
​

"speech"​

 

[POLLENFUR]

"Please, stop." A half-sob, cruel exhale from tainted lungs. Pollenfur does hesitate, wondering how conscious Honeytwist is in this moment. The tortoiseshell relaxes as she realizes Honeytwist thinks her an illusion, taunting her in her final hours.

Are they so final? Is this the end for her first love? She's no medicine cat, but Honeytwist was, at one time. A healer's soul trapped in a battered but beautiful body, now scrambling to be released to the stars she once worshipped.

Pollenfur settles beside Honeytwist and lets the other's cinnamon fur soak up her tears. "Ma cherie," like nectar, like love. She nods, too stunned by her grief, overwhelmed by her feelings, to speak anymore for several heartbeats.

"I know you never stopped loving me. And I never stopped loving you." She tries to purr, but it's empty, flat-sounding. "Those you left behind are fine, alive. Some of them are not happy, but life offers us so many chances, my flower..."

She knows Honeytwist is trying to protect her now, telling her she's fine, but even a half-blind kit can tell she is moments from being starbound herself. "Promise me," she whispers, her voice hoarse, "that you will watch over me, wherever you are. Your kits, Dandelionwish, and me. Don't leave me again. Don't you dare."

She breaks, then, her sobs ragged. "How can fate be so cruel, to take you from me, just when I've found you again?" Her throat feels as though it's been raked apart by claws, inside and out, and her tears are like magma splashing into her beloved's fur.​

[ PENNED BY MARQUETTE ]​

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