know yourself and who you came in with | Snowpaw

I TOLD YOU ONCE, I CAN'T DO THIS AGAIN

Snow made everything quieter, at least Roepaw thought so, muffling everything with its crystalline blanket.
Her breath was still stiff, but she had been given the go-to to resume her day-to-day activities after spending two nights tucked in the medicine den.
She’s only accompanied by one other warrior- the prick who had turned his nose up to her when Robinpaw had tripped her, the honeyed apprentice doesn’t like it, but it’s better than being in camp, where the grief was thick.
Morningpaw! Did Morningpaw make it?
Her voice echoes in her mind as she remembers waking up in the medicine den with a panicked start, desperate for answers- but the wailing that she could hear from the clearing was enough of an answer for her.
She blinks herself back to reality, only to find herself alone in the snowy forest. "Asshole." Roepaw grumbled to herself.
The snow that covered the trees and the ground muffled her scent, but even without the sap-tinged breeze she knew where she was. Her breath hitches, while it wasn’t the spot where the battle had taken place, she knew she was near her and Snowpaws meeting spot, a easily reachable but sheltered place where they could talk on border patrols. Her curiosity will kill her someday, and Roepaw knows that, but she continues on until the inches of snow on the ground thin, and she is under a canopy of both oak and pine tree’s, blended together in branches and leaves thick enough to keep most of the snowfall at bay, well all the leaves from the oak had fallen, but the pines needles offered a minuscule amount of protection. Now she can smell the pine sap, but it’s stale. Snowpaw wasn’t here unsurprisingly, and Roepaw didn’t know how she felt about it.
It had been one thing when they tussled, but that blow had been for Lightpaw- bigger and stronger than little Morningpaw, but it would have been grizzly all the same.
Lost and confused, Roepaw sat on the edge of the invisible scent line in both grief and defeat, her gaze is empty when it stares into the pine forest, letting the late morning wash into the early afternoon as the sun glides across the sky, the cold was biting but fell onto only a shell of a cat, and there was no reaction.

@Snowpaw
"speech."

 

Truth be told, he couldn't keep away from the border. It was like he was wishing desperately that he could come back and undo what was done just by repeating the same motions he'd done that day. If he could just appear and see the patrol, not engage with them; Morningpaw would be alive and their clans would not be pitted against one another. All of this over a squirrel, his clan was starving and he did what he thought a noble warrior of SkyClan would have done. It wasn't like he wanted to kill anyone, his blow had not been meant to kill Lightpaw-only cut him up; but the tortie apprentice was so much smaller and much more frail than the golden tom had been...
Snowpaw wished he could be angry at her, angry that she got in his way, that she stained him like she had, that her death was the end of her story but only another wretched chapter in his own but he could not conjure up any rage; he had no energy to do so and even if he did he did not think he could be angry.
He wished he could be the kind of cat that could fill the role Morningpaw left behind, that he could be the sort of tom who stopped fights rather than cause them, that he could be a better SkyClanner for his family's sake, for his clans sake.
They hated them. All of them. Even if they didn't show it, even if they didn't act it, he could feel the eyes at all times, the looks and glances; their thoughts were not needed to be voiced for him to feel the disdain emitting from them. Sometimes he wondered why he bothered getting up anymore.
Toward the border he turned and spotted the cream apprentice, stood there wordlessly as his golden eyes finally met her own pale one and he could find no words of greeting, no consolation to offer.
"...hi." His voice felt heavy, clogged with grief and muffled by his own inability to decide what to say and the simple hello was all he could offer; as pathetic as it was.

 
I TOLD YOU ONCE, I CAN'T DO THIS AGAIN

The soft crunch of snow is what pulls her back to reality, blinking herself back into her body.
His eyes don’t look the same, was that even possible? They looked almost dim, and his voice had morphed into something almost unrecognizable.
She flicks her ear, still healing from his bite, but otherwise the only outside wound she had sustained in the skirmish.
She feels almost.. uncomfortable by it, the difference in him, but holds her gaze steadily nonetheless.
"Hey" she replies, equally as pathetic in her rasped voice, it’s splinters still mending.
Her stoic expression melts, guilt sparking behind a clouded gaze. She tries to picture Snowpaw as he was in that battle, confident and vicious- but she just can’t, the tom that sat in front of her was broken, and she couldn’t fix him, she couldn’t fix anything, she never could.
"Shit." She curses, but it lacks an exclamation, and comes out as a breathy sigh.
"I won’t ask how you’re doing, I… I honestly don’t know if I can be selfless enough to care right now" she admits shamelessly, her gaze finally breaking and focusing on the snow that the other is standing on.
"Despite that-" she inhales shakily, her lungs still fragile against the unforgiving frost. "Despite that, I don’t think you’re a bad person. None of that was supposed to happen, and just because it did and fate wasn’t on your side… it doesn’t make you a bad person " She continued, shifting from sitting to settling down on her stomach, desperate to give her breathing some relief. She doesn’t lift her gaze to meet his this time, instead she fixates on his ivory paws that now match up with her eye-line.
"speech."

 
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"No I...I understand..."
He felt moons older than he should, wondered if he looked as tired a she felt because he'd spent the better part of an entire day just digging himself a place to sleep on the territory away from the camp. It was the only thing he could do, maybe it was cowardice. Maybe he should stay in camp and let the other cats push him around and scream at him until they felt better; but knowing it was deserved didn't make him anymore inclined to allow it. Snowpaw was more cowardly than he thought himself to be.
"...I was going to hurt Lightpaw..." He knew how hard he was swinging, he knew how sharp his claws were kept-Lightpaw would have walked away from it alive but he'd have a wound worth crying over, a scar that would have left a mark on him forever as a sign of Snowpaw's ruthlessness. He swung with every intent to cause harm, but never kill. He didn't want to kill anyone. But there was no denying he meant to cause harm and maybe Morningpaw knew that...maybe she acted knowing she'd die but wanting to stop Lightpaw from being hurt. He didn't know, he wished he did, he wished he knew what she was thinking moments before his claws cut her down. Was she angry at him? Proud of herself? Snowpaw would never know.
"...Good...bad...it doesn't matter..." The dappled tom replied, voice cracking, "..what matters is what we do with the bad when it happens and I just....I just want my clan to stop hurting. If it means I have to not be there then....okay."
Snowpaw sighs, exhales and his breath is a soft cloud around his maw drifting upward above him only to slowly unravel, "...I don't know what to do now..."
 
I TOLD YOU ONCE, I CAN'T DO THIS AGAIN

His compliance with her words is eerie, until she realizes that it isn’t compliance, but defeat. She bites at the inside of her cheek when Snowpaw continues on, his voice creaking.
"I don’t think SkyClan would be better off without you" she admitted from where she still lay with her stomach pressing against the ice, the cold seeping into her skin. "But if you ran away, I’d come with."
A disloyal remark, scandalous and selfish, but it was honest.
She looks to the side, not able to bring herself to look at his paws any longer, but certainly not having the courage to look him in the eye.
She’s thought of leaving many times, every time Robinpaw harassed her, or she walked past the medicine den her mother used to call home, she’s had half a mind to track her biological mother down, and kick her ass for leaving her and her litter mates to die in the forest she now called home.
So many thoughts left unsaid, but now Roepaw just shrugged, too consumed in fatigue and grief to truly care.
"speech."

 

It was such a sudden comment that it took him offguard, it was hard to place exactly how he felt about it. He liked Roepaw, she had a good sense of humor and he didn't think she was as dreadfully uninteresting as the rest of his clanmates; he could see himself being perfectly content talking to no one else.
But is that what he really wanted? He loved his mother, loved his siblings, he treated SkyClan like they were a bother but at the same time he couldn't see himself anywhere else, but above all, "...do I deserve to run away?" No. What would that make him if he abandoned his clan after such a mistake? They would assume he fled in guilt, that his claws had been purposefully meant to harm and his leaving would mean others would still be left to mourn with no closure.
Even if he was never forgiven, even if they never so much as regarded him as anything but a passing shadow; he was adamant he wanted to give that much back for what he did. An apology, sincerely. When he worked up the nerve, when he let the wounds close...
He couldn't run away, he had to face it. "...thank you, but...I think it's for the best I do stay I just...but if you want to come to SkyClan...they'll be...letting Blazestar's kids decide between the two. Surely you could come to if you wanted. But not for my sake."
If she was so quick to offer abandonment, he wondered if there was another reason Roepaw's loyalties to ThunderClan wavered so.

 
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I TOLD YOU ONCE, I CAN'T DO THIS AGAIN

Her response is met with a question, a fairly deep one.
Do I deserve to run away?
Roepaw shakes her head, "Maybe not, but sometimes you have to do what’s best for you, even if that means starting over." She shifts back upright, shaking off the snow that nestled itself in her fur. Snowpaws offer catches her by surprise, and it is her turn to be caught off-guard. A bittersweet smile rests on her maw in return as she takes a moment to think, "If I’m destined to be a clan cat, then Thunderclan is my home" she replied, "besides, I don’t think Skyclan could handle me" she added, a touch of amusement in the sea of complex feelings. She shifts again, moving her weight from one paw to another. Her gaze on him is intent now that she can see his face once more. "Everythings gonna change now" she comments, breaking her steady gaze on Snowpaw and instead looking to the trees behind him, "I think you’ll be okay though, I think Morningpaw knows you’re intentions were to protect, and shit just went sideways" Roepaw’s rambling now, her words have no clear direction other than them being unfiltered thoughts. "You say you don’t know what to do, but there’s nothing you can do other than move forward. The feelings are going to follow, the spiral is going to happen, but… you just keep going, you keep her memory in your heart, and hopefully everything will start to sting a little less" her words come to a close, and if the circumstances were different, Roepaw may have given herself a pat on the back for her wise words, yet in the moment all she can think about is Snowpaw, Snowpaw raising his claws to strike at Lightpaw to protect his sister, Morningpaw being her bravest, and what would have been a wound to lick turned into something else, something that wasn’t supposed to happen. Her ears twitch against the cold as she realizes that the early afternoon had dimmed, and the sun was hiding in the tree-line.
She mulls over the thought that pops into her head, "If you can give me time, you will also have me in your corner- or, you’ll have a friend across the border" she finally says, looking down towards her paws.
"speech."