private LAMENT ‧₊˚✩彡 OWLHEART

[CROWSIGHT]

Painful. Woeful. Maddening it is without their beloved. Even his dreams haunt him with tangled limbs, hushed whispers of adoration, and worst of all, promises. When he awakes there is emptiness and loneliness. Owlheart sleeps near him. Her warmth taunts him, the discomfort on her sleeping face much like a siren calls for him. Beckons for him to throw away vows of restraint and climb into her nest, hold her tightly, and soothe her tears by kissing them away. It's cruel to sleep close to his partner and be unable to touch her. Envy pierces his heart when he sees couples lay in their nest, basking in each other's warmth. He could convince Orangestar right? Ask her if they could sleep in the apprentices den for a moon to be with Oddpaw? You can't. Yes, he knows. Truth is such a wretched thing.

Nevertheless he keeps padding forward, focusing on his new duties and sparring with other warriors in order to distract himself from the aches of his heart. The aches of his heart are manageable when he and Owlheart find solace. Both of them are aware of it, no words need to be exchanged to know no matter how many loving touches and words are passed between them it is not enough. The moon was going to be difficult, yet he didn't realize how agonizing it would be and they hadn't been warriors for that long either. Oddpaw how they missed their beautiful partner who spoke honeyed words. How peculiar before he'd been thrown into the world of love, of romance, he dared to think he wouldn't be as pitiful as this. That he wouldn't whimper for just a single graze or look from his partners. Oddpaw and Owlheart have not only brought a storm to his world of order, but they stole his heart. A heart which didn't want returned. His heart was theirs. He was theirs alone. No one else. He refused to love another should anything happen to his beloveds. His heart will always be theirs even in death.

Though, the black smoke made another vow. One that he hadn't fulfilled yet. Owlheart said she had forgiven him all those moons ago and while it may be true, he still needed to do this. And another more selfish part of him wanted more time with her. He invited her to the river, listening to her divulge about her day and divulging into his own day as they made their way to the spot. "I like coming here to listen to the river when I'm feeling bad." Black paws move closer to the where the river kisses the sandy ground. The black smoke closes his eyes and concentrates on the sounds of rippling water. "Owlheart, please come here." A paw pats at the s[ace beside him. Soon enough he feels her presence and opens his eyes, turning his had to face her.

"I love you. I'm worried about you and I don't. I'm not good at comforting, but I thought bringing you here would help a little. I've seen you. You've been stressed and nervous and... I miss him too. I miss all of us being together." He places a black paw on her cheek and gently strokes her cheek. "What's on your mind Owlheart? I'll listen, no matter how silly you think it is I want to hear it." I'll shout I love you to the stars until the sun rises if you ask me. I'll hold you for a whole moon, I'll fight a fox, and I'll even hunt an eagle, please let me in.

‧₊˚✩彡 nothing compares to the fever dream

• @Owlheart
• — crowsight / skyclan warrior / masculine pronouns / 12 moons
  — undecided / polyamorous / padding after oddpaw and owlheart
  — long haired black smoke with hazel eyes and polydactyly
  — may powerplay minor harm / can powerplay healing
  — biography / @ on discord for plots
  — penned by velou

​

 

[Owlheart]

It's been difficult to sleep lately. If it wasn't from the exhaustion of being in a routine that her body wasn't used to then she was pretty sure she wouldn't be sleeping much at all. She missed Oddpaw, it didn't feel right to sleep on her own anymore, part of the reason why she couldn't sleep was because of her fretting over them. Was he getting enough sleep? Did he miss them too? It must be lonely, she's been thinking about that a lot lately, about what it must feel like to be alone.

Crowsight was here though, while she would prefer to be sleeping in the same nest than beside him she refused to budge on the idea. It wouldn't be fair to Oddpaw, if one of them had to sleep alone then it was only right if the rest of them did too. Still, Crowsight was here. When the exhaustion would win and she'd fall asleep there was comfort in listening to him shuffle around, or breathing if he wasn't shuffling around that night.

Her mind had been turbulent lately, it was usually bad, she used to be stressed with thoughts about passing her assessment and what being a warrior was going to be like. Now it was a tempest, unease and unrest chipped away at her. She was a warrior now so what was next? This was a large goal for so much of her life and now that she's done it… it feels like a calm before a storm. This wasn't the only thought that haunted her, ever since the meeting where herself and her siblings were given their warrior names she thought about her father.

Allowing herself to think about Ashenclaw once had opened something that she didn't know how to close again. Any menial task had some connection back to him lately, silently she wondered if she had done something to provoke Starclans ire. How else could she explain the ghost that haunted her and these feelings that she didn't quite understand. This day was like any other since the routine had changed, to those who didn't know her it would look like normal behaviour. However, those owlish eyes were distant, that frown on her maw was a little deeper and her movements were rigid. When Crowsight first invited her to the river she didn't hear him, that made the guilt worse for her. Too wrapped up in her own head to even hear her partner, what an awful girlfriend she must be.

During the walk she stayed as close to Crowsight as she could without interrupting either of their walking. Talking was good, it was a good distraction to be able to focus on him. When they reach the river she finds herself frozen for a moment, watching Crowsight as he sits down instead of joining him right away. His voice eases her out of whatever paralysis holds her down, with small, tense strides she takes her place by the smokes side.

It was nice, the water sounded nice. It was calming to hear the steady flow of the river. She looked up from the water at Crowsight, the first thought that came to mind was that he looked beautiful, peaceful even. His words are soothing, to her he's as gentle as the river that flows beside them. “I love you too, it's just been so… stressful lately, and it's weird not having Oddpaw with us” she rubbed her cheek against his paw and sighed. “I miss him.”

There was more, she knew there was more to it. While she hadn't lied at all to her partner, the guilt of keeping something from him ate away at her. She broke the shared gaze held between them first, looking at the river instead. Even now he haunts her, did he also come to the river to clear his head? “I've-” she chokes on her own words. Unsure if when she starts if she will be able to stop “I've been thinking about my dad a lot recently” she forces the words out, voice losing its stability rapidly. For now she doesn't trust herself enough to say anything else, fangs lightly gnawing at her tongue to give her a different feeling than the welling of tears that were threatening to spill.​

 

[CROWSIGHT]

Joking at a time like this about asking Orangestar if they could sleep in the apprentices den for a moon is cruel. Besides, the one who was always good with jokes was Oddpaw. Their partner never failed to make them laugh or smile even in the toughest of times. However, both he and Owlheart were unable to see the stunning calico. Her honesty and affection tether him. Neither of them are alone in their suffering and that truth brings small comfort. "I'm stressed too and it doesn't help that I keep dreaming of us sleeping in the same nest together. It is weird not having Oddpaw with us. I wonder if he feels the same." Are you lonely my sun? There's new apprentices with you now, but is it enough? I know it's not enough for me and our star. Does it eat at you too? I can't even catch a glimpse of you these days. Owlheart snaps him out of his thoughts when she looked away from him and towards the river. The black paw that rested on her cheek moves to the ground as a black head turns to look at the river.

"I've been thinking about my dad a lot recently"

Ashenclaw. What gnaws at him is not that he scarcely knows his partners father, but that he can't even begin to say something to ease her. It frustrates him beyond all reason. Whiskers twitch as he scrambles to garner any information about Ashenclaw from the crevices of his mind. Her father was a warrior. He wasn't small. He was kind of big and he was gray with white fur? But what about his personality? It's difficult, considering Ashenclaw had been gone for a long time. The warrior is more of a specter than a tangible being. Just like him. Hazel eyes dark and claws unsheathe at the mere thought of his biological father. He'd never met him. It took Bobbie ages to even divulge any information about him. The information she did pass was that he was a horrendous tom and mate. The tom who had the misfortune of sharing blood with haunted him all his life, without even lifting a single paw.

If I get the chance I'll kill you. The black smoke's blood lust quickly dissipates when he looks towards his partner who is grateful is not looking at him. Hazel eyes look down to see his claws unsheathed, Ah! Flustered and ashamed of letting his emotions getting the best of him, he realizes that he hasn't said anything. He also realizes that he didn't have anything prepared. Uhm! What should I? I don't... This was going lovely wasn't it? Out of sheer panic his body moves and grabs her. Limbs move awkwardly to embrace her. He may have hurt himself a bit in the process, but all he knew is she needed some support. I don't think it was supposed to be literal though, he curses. It's too late and he's already committed to this. For a few moments nothing is exchanged between them, only the sound of the rumbling river fills the silence.

"What have... Do you want... To talk about him?" What was that?! Oh, if only he could punch himself in the face for fumbling a simple question. He wishes she would tell him. Tell him how to fix this or give him a hint to garner a solution. However, that is not his choice to make.

‧₊˚✩彡 nothing compares to the fever dream

• — crowsight / skyclan warrior / masculine pronouns / 12 moons
  — undecided / polyamorous / padding after oddpaw and owlheart
  — long haired black smoke with hazel eyes and polydactyly
  — may powerplay minor harm / can powerplay healing
  — biography / @ on discord for plots
  — penned by velou

​

 

[Owlheart]

“I'm sure he misses us too” surely he does, that's what she tells herself anyways. Unable to face a reality where they were in fact fine without them. “I know it won't be long until he joins us but it feels too far.” Owlheart pauses for a moment, giving the paw that rests on her cheek an affectionate lick before she pulls away. “I'm sorry that you're stressed, did you want to talk about it?” She offers before falling silent, watching the river.

The confession about thinking about Ashenclaw felt like stones, pressed tightly against her lungs and threatening to squeeze the last of the air out of her. Looking at her reflection in the running water was an ugly sight, too often she is reminded of the resemblance that she bore. Owlheart used to wear the markings that were almost identical to her father as a badge of honour, it used to be a big source of pride for her. She barely looked at herself anymore, not really knowing why until she had started to think about him again. The current of the river distorted it enough so she couldn’t keep all of her attention on it yet she took in any detail that she could.

Too lost in her own thoughts she jumps as she’s grabbed, the panic subsides when she remembers where she is and who she’s with. “Sorry, I’m sorry” she whispered to him as she relaxed into his touch. The embrace was awkward, not in an emotional sense but just in the way that they held one another, the tabby leaned into him, sighing. Despite the situation surrounding this, it was nice. Crowsight and Oddpaw had become safety, if she was more sappy she’d say they felt like home, but the entirety of SkyClan was home so how was this different? It did feel a little different, she just couldn’t quite place it. She wishes she could keep her feelings here, her thoughts anchored to the tom in front of her and yet she could feel herself drifting. That’s been happening a lot lately, that drifting feeling, she can notice when her mind slips into thinking about him. The smallest thing triggers it these days.

Crowsight’s voice anchors her to him again, the tabby pauses at his question. Did she want to talk about him? She wasn’t really sure, the warrior wanted to say no. To say let's just enjoy our night, let ghosts lie. Yet she couldn’t, for a moment she thinks she can see him sometimes, in a stray bush out of the corner of her eye or any warrior with a similar coat or build. That’s increased since the meeting, realistically it’s not possible and she understands that, yet it feels like ice water has been splashed on her each time. So instead of saying no she says “If that’s okay?”

Owlheart lapses into silence again, not making a move to leave her partner's embrace, she just listens to the river. “I don't remember what he sounds like anymore” the confession feels loud, like it carries over beyond Skyclan, past the borders of their neighbours. “I… haven’t visited him since he-” she can’t bring the words to the world, everytime she tries she stutters. “I’ve been telling myself I’m too busy trying to be a warrior but now that I am I still can’t even do it.” Her frame shakes, tears that had been buried deep within since that day had finally been spilled. Emotions she didn’t dare let herself feel beforehand bubbled to the surface, she weeps, fighting back from it sounding too loud. The tabby can tell if she let herself lose that composure there would be sobbing, yowls, she wasn’t going to do that, not out here where anything or anyone could hear her.

She’s like that for a while, left vulnerable and raw as she presses her face against Crowsights shoulder, she briefly thinks about what a mess she must be making, she must look gross. He’s probably repulsed, I would be too if I saw myself like this. The thought is bitter, it tastes like decay and briefly she thinks that she must have eaten something bad but nothing comes to mind. She takes a deep breath, steadying herself for a moment “I can’t even look at myself Crowsight- I just see him whenever I do”​

 

[CROWSIGHT]

At her answer he can't help but pause before chuffing, "He definitely misses us." The image of the calico whining for him when he woke up and tried to leave their nest came to mind as well as when the calico would bury himself in red fur, sighing in content. If Odd had a choice I think he'd want to cling onto both of us and not move a muscle. "It's too far for me, I want to hold you both again in our nest already," he grumbles. Frustration turns into a whine when his partner moves away from him after teasing him with a single affectionate lick. No fair! Crowsight is woefully unprepared for when she not only apologizes but gives him an offer. "It's not your fault I'm stressed, you don't have to apologize. As for talking about it, not now. I'm worried about you, we can talk about me after. Thank you Owlie, I promise we'll talk about me after." I want to focus on you. I can handle being stressed a little longer. Still, I can't believe you want to listen. It's not like you have to. You don't have to carry my burdens.

It's his fault really that he hurts himself, considering he spooked her while grabbing her. As she apologizes he nuzzles against her cheek, "It's okay. We're okay. We're safe." To emphasize his point, he places slow and gentle kisses all over her face. Time is lost on him as she's being showered with affection. Moons could pass and he wouldn't care. Owlheart was in pain and he needed to do something. He refused to abandon her. Eventually she asks, as if she needs his permission to talk about what's been on her mind. Crowsight ceases his affection. The response is immediate.

"It's okay."

As she speaks he listens intently while putting a paw over hers. When her frame shakes and wetness can be felt against his fur, he says nothing. Despite the silence his heart aches for her. The tom tightens his grip slightly and nuzzles against the top of her head. There was a reason why she hid away from him after all. Paws run up and down her spine, rubbing circles on her back. While she sobbed in his arms, his mind went over what she had told him. What he garnered was...

He understood this all too well. The black smoke had stopped looking at himself moons ago. Crowsight can't remember when, but every time he saw what was reflected it threw him into loathing. Whoever was staring at back was a heartless monster, one who need not say a word or lift a paw to indicate you're a cold hearted fool. The monster mocked him and when he violently swiped at it, he swore he could hear it laughing from being proven correct. This is you! "You're..." Nothing like him. Is what he wants to say, but given they are so alike when it comes to their fathers... If he had been told that he wouldn't believe it. Even though he has no face or voice to match to the name, he's been told by Lupinesong that he is terrible. The most selfish cat in all the forest. In short, he was just like their father. Owlheart wouldn't be able to provide any evidence that his biological father was not terrible. Duke was less tangible than Ashenclaw. Duke was selfish. He abandoned Bobbie. Not once did he try to see us. Mom hated just thinking about him. He was a monster. I'm selfish. I abandoned my family. Not trying to see them either. I'm a monster too. Ashenclaw wasn't a monster. You're no monster Owlheart.

"You're nothing like him." The black smoke shifts away from her slightly, enough to expose her face to bring a paw under her chin. He doesn't tilt her head up to look into his eyes, not yet anyway. "The only thing you share are your markings. Ashenclaw had blue fur and the white fur he did have aren't the same as yours." Slowly he lifts her head, "And he didn't have the most beautiful copper eyes either." While he has no idea how this is helping her or making her situation worse, he has always tackled the literal things first. He highly doubts this would make her stop seeing Ashenclaw in herself, but he hopes these differences in appearances would ease her a little. What would Firefly do?

"I don't have an answer."

Firefly would always be honest with me. That's what made me feel safe talking to him. And he would always share his feelings too, so that it felt like we were fighting a fox together. Fighting a fox by myself is hard, but when he's there the fox was less scary and strong. Hazel eyes drift from copper eyes to the ground. "I don't have an answer because I'm going through the sam- a similar thing." The black paw below her chin moves away. "Owlheart, I don't look anything like Bobbie. I take after my father. Well, I don't know how much. I never met him. I don't know what he sounds like. Growing up Bobbie never wanted to speak about him. She always looked miserable thinking of him and when I asked about him as a kit, she always found some way not to talk about him." Get to the point.

A sigh leaves his maw, "I'm not sure if she's told Lupinesong or Drowsynose about him. I only learned his name and how much of a terrible mate and cat. A monster he was after she came back from the journey. I... I..." He turns to face the river and closes his eyes. "I'm just like him. I never met him, but I whenever I look at myself I can only see him." Crowsight has never said this to anyone before, not even Fireflypaw who serves as his therapist. The weight of his admission is tremendous. Although, he himself doesn't know the true depth of his own admittance. The information was shared in hopes that she didn't feel alone. That they were facing Ashenclaw together. Whatever beasts she was fighting he would fight alongside her. Even if his attempts were useless he would never give up trying. To figure something out for her, his beloved star.

Thus, the black tom opens his eyes once more and faces his partner with a small smile as if he hadn't told her something horrifying. "Owlheart, I think you're wonderful. I hope you can see it someday. And... It's okay. It's okay not seeing him or feeling guilty about everything. And it's okay if you don't want to look at yourself either because it reminds you of him. I know... Things are scary by yourself, so I might not be the best when it comes these things, but I'll be there when you want to try. No matter how many moons pass, I'll always be by your side. if you'll have me."
​

 

[Owlheart]

“You're nothing like him.”

His words give her pause, the brief loss of contact causes panic, he's repulsed i knew it- the thought is silenced as he tilts her head up. Her eyes were irritated from the crying, the fur around them damp and yet they were as wide and curious as ever. Despite the fact that he didn't originally move her so she was looking at him she couldn't help but try to meet his gaze.

What he was saying made sense, she understood that. In a literal sense no, she wasn't entirely her father, it was clear that she bore resemblance to Orangestar as well. Yet in this moment she could only see him, tunnel vision blocking her from acknowledging the differences that she had. A small laugh bubbles from her as Crowsight compliments her eyes, it was hoarse. Throat burning from the crying but it stood as some kind of beacon, a symbol of hope that she wasn't all consumed by her grief.

The laughter died down relatively quickly, it was a small start but her worries eased. It was good, to hear an outside perspective. It was good to know that between the two of them only she saw the ghost of her father in herself. Crowsight didn't know Ashenclaw well but it served as peace that others didn't only see him in her. She's confused when he says he doesn't have an answer, in truth Owlheart didn't expect him to. She didn't expect to air this out, to let herself be known like that, at her rawest.

She moves a white paw to nudge against the paw that moved away from her chin. Eyes widen and she blinks in confusion, not expecting to hear that he was experiencing something similar. She never planned to ask Crowsight about his family, she knew things were strained. While she couldn't comprehend coming from a strained family she could sympathise. He must be lonely, there it was again. The thoughts of how alone others must feel.

Owlheart noticed that Crowsight didn't really speak with his siblings, she had gathered that between the two it was more likely for him to speak with Drowsynose than Lupinesong. The tabby didn't consider that Crowsight even had a dad as awful as it sounded, to her it's always just been him, his siblings, and Bobbie. Her first thought is that the situation is cruel. While she holds honesty as a virtue she wondered if there were just some things you shouldn't say, especially to children. She wasn't a parent, didn't plan to be for a long time, so she understood that she couldn't comment on it from a place of understanding. His mother can't control how her son would internalise that information but it felt cruel to her nonetheless.

She sniffs, feeling tears well again but this time not just for her. When Crowsight turns to face the river she moves so she's beside him, debating on touching him or not she simply opts to rest her head against his side. Letting him know that she was there but not trying to make him do something he may not want to do right now. “I don't know how much this helps but I don't see anyone other than you when I look at you” it feels like a non statement. Taking a second to collect her thoughts she absentmindedly licks at the fur beside his shoulder at an attempt to soothe.

“When I look at you I see someone with so much love to give. A hard worker and as Oddpaw would put it, a knight. You're strong and you're brave and you're diligent. I see a loving mate, someone kind and caring. You're so beautiful Crowsight, you're breathtaking, I love to spend my days looking at you. I don't know what your father looks like but you're not him. Nothing beyond what? fur colour at best? I don’t see a monster, I see a tom that I love very dearly. You're not him, not in any way that counts.”

She's rambling again, usually she would try and seamlessly cut herself off once she notices. However, this felt like something that she shouldn't cut off. Owlheart wasn't sure if she was saying the right things at all but she wanted to be honest with him, to let him know that she thought he was wrong. Yes he can feel that way- it would be hypocritical of her to say that he couldn't after she had confessed to the same thing. There was something about the implication that he may deem himself a monster or terrible mate as well just because of genetics. That just didn't feel right, it sat wrong with her, she may be overthinking things. She had a tendency to do that after all but on the rare chance that she wasn't, it had to be said.

For a moment she had been so wrapped up in making sure Crowsight was okay she had forgotten momentarily what had sparked this to happen. She shuffles away so she can see him better when she moves, eyes searching for any indication that she was out of line. She also forgot for a moment how easy it was for Crowsights words to move her. He may not think that he's good at it but she thinks that his words are as beautiful as the rest of him. It was relieving to hear that it was okay to feel guilty, even that it was okay she hasn't seen her father yet. A small sigh escapes her that she didn't realise she had. “For what it's worth i think you're pretty good when it comes to these things” she offers, a smile coming back as she wipes at her eyes.

“Thank you Crow, I needed to hear that. I think I'd like to try, if you wouldn't mind being with me.” She slips out of formality for a moment, forgetting to use his full title. “I'll always have you, don't think for a second that I wouldn't. I love you, thank you for talking to me about your- about him. That must've been hard. I mean it, when I said that I don't think you're him. You're not a monster, you're more than he will ever be. I know that it's hard to not see him in yourself but just know that I don't see that.” ​

 

[CROWSIGHT]

Though he remained silent from bewilderment of her actions. Inexplicably, her words dispel the malevolent specters who’ve haunted him for moons. Oh, how the specters groan and shrink from her light, horrid pitiful creatures. They are not without hate nor agony, for their elongated limbs drag themselves behind her. A peculiar phenomena. Why would a being shrouded in darkness dare draw near light? Was it masochistic? Or was it sadistic? I am you. The specter had choked, writhing in agony. Eventually it fell in a heap beside her, its maw parted, exposing horrid crooked razor sharp fangs to him, and exhausted eyes with an echo of resentment stared into his own hazel eyes.. You are afraid. Though silent, it is just as it had said. I am you. You are me. I know you more than I would like. Tears shed.

“Even though I ruined everything?” She isn’t given a chance to answer his dismal inquiry. “Everyone I loved before left me. I always knew I was different. There was something wrong with me inside that no one understood. Not even my own mother. When I was a kit, I could hear them. All the mean words said to me. That kit complains over every little thing, he always wails, he picks fights with others if they so much as breathe in his direction, I pity his mother, when will he settle down? It’s not like I knew how I could fix it or really know what was wrong. Everything was just too much and when I tried to fix it, it was wrong. My mother had to teach me to be nice.” A bitter smile curls on his lips when he recalls the memory of a black puffball telling Fireflypaw that his face looked funny. It wasn’t until much later he realized that his mother misunderstood his veracious account of the apprentice as an insult.

Guess being honest is a bad thing. “I say things how they are and a lot of cats don’t like that. Being nice was to not say anything that could be taken horribly, which is almost everything I say. Remember how I didn't speak much growing up? It wasn’t because I didn’t have anything to say or didn’t want to speak. It was because everything I would have said would be taken as an insult and I hated trying to figure out what was good to say all the time. Unlike Lupinesong, I’m not a natural at speaking or making friends.” Envy rears its head, even the tired specter behind his partner sneers at the mention of Lupinesong.

Oh… Lupinesong how he’d floundered that relationship. All because he saw red when she bore her heart to him, how she thought she was not enough. Poison left his maw, unrelentless in their pursuit to cease her whining. At the time he felt insulted. As if she was mocking him, as if to say he was insignificant. That couldn’t be more wrong. Back then he had held her on a pedestal, revered her, wished he was her, produced cheap imitations of her light. She was not with feelings in his eyes. For her to seek solace in him and share her woes, shredded the idea of Lupinesong in his mind. Change was a horrid thing and he sought nothing more to squash it and tell her to rid herself of foolish notions as she was perfect just the way she was. She didn’t take kindly to this and their relationship was tarnished forevermore.

Nevermind his conflicting feelings on Cherryblossom and Lupinesong’s friendship, as it would only drive him mad. Nevertheless, hate and woe gnawed at his heart. “Lupinesong… She’d argue that I am a monster, and she’d have good reason for it. Owlheart, you haven’t seen me at my worst or experienced it. Oddpaw hasn’t either. Lupinesong has. She said I don’t know how to love properly and what I show or think is love is wrong. We spoke about mom then. I love my mom as a kit, right? When she came back all bloodied I wailed and clung onto her just like Drowsynose and Lupinesong, so I had to have love her, right? Lupinesong said I didn’t. That it was all wrong and I was the most selfish cat in the forest. And a jerk too. She’s always been better at feelings than me, but… Was my love wrong?”

There is a stark difference between the love for family and for mates. The love he had back then for his family was fierce. Although he was broken, he vowed to become strong in order to protect them. Enduring a fate of silence would have been bearable knowing that all of them would eat together and laugh. He would speak, when prompted to, but it would have been nice as his mother would’ve wanted, omitting the horrors, the truth from them. His greatest desire was to be with family, share a nice meal, chat about anything, and laugh together. It would never come true. Even when we drowned ourselves into training, they never looked your way. None of them ever approached you to ask how you really felt. Your own mother abandoned you to be a hero for the clans. Did she ask you if it was okay? No. She did not. None of them bothered to think: what about Crow?

On the matter of mates, Owlheart’s previous speech decides it’s time to pillage his piteous mind, body, and soul. Mortifying it is to see the specter rise to its paws and loom over his partner, its form bristling, excruciating pain and longing written in its eyes, by stars is that drool?! Ashamed. There is shame in watching this specter give into its desires, yet he can’t tear his eyes away from it. Like a jackhammer his heart thumps against his chest and echoes in his ears. Truth be told the black smoke is unsure if his partner has said something. If she had then he unfortunately hadn’t been paying attention. Perhaps she answered his question of whether or not he was capable of love, or maybe she had some choice words towards his sister. Regardless, it fell on deaf ears.

I can’t fight it. He swears he can hear sadistic amusement as it opens its maw, looming over his partner's head. You can’t fight it either. And so… He would tackle Owlheart. The second he collides against her and has her against the ground, the specter begins to vanish with a cacophony of laughter. Give into our greed and tell them. Was that advice from myself? The shifting underneath him drags him away from his thoughts, the black smoke flustered awkwardly gets off of her “S-sorry!” Panic and concern lace his features as he inspects her, checking to see if he didn’t injure her. Crap! I didn’t hold back. I don’t think she got a cut or scrapes, but still! The black smoke chastises himself, “I was too rough!” He shakes his head frantically, which may cause his partner to be amused, before she feels a black paw on her cheek, caressing it tenderly. “I’m so sorry Owlheart, I didn’t hold back. Are you okay? Do we need Fireflypaw? Need me to carry you? Or is it better if I bring Fireflypaw here?” His worries are met with reassurances that she is well, or well enough that doesn’t require Fireflypaw’s aid. A sigh of relief leaves his maw while pressing his forehead against her own.

Shared silence passes between the pair, however, it is Crowsight who once again takes the reins. I have to tell her. It would be better for her, for us. I’ll have to tell Oddpaw too, but I don’t even know how this will turn out. She said she’ll always have me. That wasn’t a lie, right? His heart aches at the notion of it being all a farce, but it would crumble into nothingness if all of his life it was a lie. It would not only crumble due to the agony of her not loving him, but because he had ensnared her for all her life. He couldn’t bear such a fate for her. To be chained to someone whom she harbored no real love for.

“I love you.” Honesty had always been his forte, even if it bit him in the back more times than he could count. “Maybe I don’t know what love really is and it could be wrong, but! Uhmm… Maybe I am selfish and a bit greedy, okay that was a lie. I am super greedy. You might also think I’m weird too for saying this…” The black paw on her cheek moves to rub the fur on his neck to ease his nerves. GET IT TOGETHER! “Every time I look at you or Oddpaw I get these weird urges.” Anticipating her question of what exactly he is trying to get at, he takes a deep breath before bearing his heart towards her.

“Like when we were sleeping all in the same nest, I wanted to keep you both there. Forever if I could. Owlheart, it hurts so much not sleeping in the same nest. Do you know how agonizing it is? Just having you near enough that I can feel your warmth and stare at you the entire night, but not able to yank you into my nest? And even then it wouldn’t be enough! I want Oddpaw too, I considered all of us running away just to share a nest together again. Which is stupid I know, but I miss you both. I want both of you. I want to hold two of the prettiest cats in the whole clan who I love and kiss them both silly. Owlheart I want to kiss you and hold you until you forget your own name, so you can feel how I do. Stars, both of you make my head spin and I don’t even want to do warrior stuff anymore. It’s not fair how beautiful you both are and I can’t get enough of you both. I’ll hunt an eagle just for you if you ask me to. I’ll fight a bunch of foxes too!”

A raving crazed cat no different from a rabid dog is what an outsider would dub him from his slew of words. Nevertheless, the black smoke continues his onslaught. “When you got your warrior name I thought it was fitting because my heart is yours. My heart belongs to Oddpaw and Owlheart. It always will. There’s no one else I want to have it. No one else I want to kiss, share a nest with, or hold. Whenever you or Oddpaw are upset, it makes me upset too. I want to help you both. I want to be better. I want to be with you both always.”​

 

[Owlheart]

Owlheart opens her mouth to speak and promptly bites her tongue so she can encourage Crowsight to keep talking. She didn’t understand what he had meant by ruined everything, so she thought it would be better to remain quiet. Her heart hurts at the revelations that the tom before her had divulged. It was widely known that she was extremely sympathetic and empathetic to those around her, always a bleeding heart. There was the inherent bias since she was currently padding after Crowsight, that made the pain she felt for him ache all the more.

How cruel, to say things like that about a child. In her opinion nothing was wrong with him being the way he was as a kit, sure picking fights wasn’t great but these things could develop and grow over time. She had decided early on that the issue wasn’t with him, it lied in those around him. He wasn’t perfect, she understood that but he was a kit when most of this happened right? Those around him that were older should have not given up on him.

Something resonated with Owlheart when he spoke about his envy towards Lupinesong, her expression melts into something of a quiet understanding. She loved her siblings, she really did but she could relate to the feeling of not being natural at speaking or making friends. Growing up she had always fallen behind on that, why speak when your more capable littermates could navigate any conversation with ease? She admired Cherryblossom and Tawnyclaw for being able to speak freely and make friends. It seemed like second nature to them, that admiration had a shadow of course, that feeling of jealousy that she couldn't be that. It was comforting to know that Crowsight had a similar experience, even if it wasn't meant to be a comforting thing.

That unabashed bias came out again, if she was usually as retrospective as she normally was in this situation then maybe she could see both sides to this. However, in this moment she is Owlheart, Crowsights partner who loves him very deeply. Something bubbles in her, low and hot and she isn’t sure what the feeling is at first. As she continues to listen to him talk about how she called him the most selfish cat in the forest and would argue that he was a jerk and a monster she realises what she is feeling. It’s the white hot bubbling of anger, justified or unjustified, that doesn't play in this situation at the moment, she lets herself sit in this.

It is a foreign idea to Owlheart to think of herself calling her siblings such horrible things. She can understand that she doesn’t know every aspect of Crowsight but from what she was hearing, did Lupinesong? What gave her the right to say such hurtful things, he was trying, right? She could see that he was trying to love and that he cared about those around him so why was it that his family was blind to that? Just because he doesn’t love in the same way that his siblings might? In the same way that his sister does? How cruel, her jaw is iron clad, so tense that she is sure she is wearing down the nerves.

“...Your love is not wrong” is all she can manage to say at first, a loud exhale is heard as she listens to the sound of the river beside them. Wanting to calm herself down before she could say anything else. “If Lupinesong can’t see the love that you carry then she’s a fool. You care a lot Crowsight, I think your love is perfect the way it is.” She smiles, serene and sweet. There were choice words she could say, it takes a lot to not. Mulling over if what she had said already was too much of an insult, she didn’t want to have taken it too far.

Being too caught in her concern over insulting the smoke to notice the way he was fighting and losing his own battles over control for not jumping her on the spot. Owlheart does notice that he loses that control, grunting in surprise when he tackles her. Looking up at the tom, she should be upset with him, yet she’s distracted by the way the moon frames him so nicely. She stops admiring when she sees the concern in his eyes, cheek leaning against the paw on her again. “I’m fine, really. The ground’s pretty soft and I’m pretty tough. Thank you for worrying though” she reassures him with a small chuckle.

“I love you too” she replies, the words come out as easy as breathing. She couldn’t speak on what love really is, the three of them were going into this relatively blind. Using their own definitions of love, rather than following the words of another. The tabby tilts her head to the side, causing a divot on the sandy bank below her. Blinking slowly as she tried to understand what he meant by weird urges, she remains silent though, happy to listen to him explain.

She could understand his explanation enough, while he burned with a much deeper intensity than she does she felt the same, far more muted but the same nonetheless. “I’m sorry, I didn’t realise that you were in so much pain by not sleeping in the same nest as Odd and I.” She’s sincere, she always is. Owlheart giggles “You don’t have to hunt an eagle or fight foxes, I don’t want you to get hurt. I think your urges aren’t weird, you just really love us right? As long as you don’t let it make you actually not do Warrior stuff then it’s more than okay!” She does let her mind drift towards the idea of her, Oddpaw and Crowsight running off to share a nest. The idea is dropped as quickly as it arrives, it won't be long before they can share a nest. This was a test of endurance right? If she couldn't handle this then she must not be much of a warrior at all.

Owlheart couldn't help but assume that Crowsight wouldn't listen to anything she'd have to say in this state. The tabby squirms under him until she's given the space to wriggle out. Once allowed to do so she shakes some of the sand off her pelt. While she wasn't the most concerned about her appearance it was disconcerting having sand tucked in her fur. Without saying a word she decides to pay Crowsight back for earlier. Jumping to pin him against the sand, to mirror what he had done to her previously.

She grins at him and laughs, it was weird to have the roles reversed like this but she found herself having fun with it. “Crowsight, I know you want to be better. That's why I don't think your love is wrong. Everyone's love is different, I'm sorry that Lupinesong- that others can't seem to see that. I see that though, Oddpaw does too. We love you how you are, your love is enough okay? It's not weird, you're not a monster or the most selfish cat in the forest. I'm sorry you've been told those things. You talk about me having your heart but you forget that you have mine as well.”

Despite the concern evident on her face a loud purr had started to rumble from the warrior. She pressed her forehead against his and kissed anywhere that she could reach, which was pretty much the majority of his face. If he doubted himself then she wanted to ease that, he was enough as is and she wanted to ensure that he knew it.​

 

[CROWSIGHT]

“Oh. Right.” It’s pathetic. In his haste he failed to recall that the ground they laid on was soft. While it wasn’t as soft as their nests, it wouldn’t do much damage had this been stones with jagged edges. Surely Owlheart would have flayed him alive for tackling her into sharp pointed stones and distance herself from him. No matter how tough she was, the rocks would pierce her. Thankfully this location had none of the sort. Arguably the most dangerous thing here or for some reason an eagle decided to pluck one of them. They should be sleeping right now, right? I’ve only ever seen them in the morning. Owls on the other paw…. It would kind of be funny if an owl flew by and grabbed me right now, but I’m too big it wouldn’t be fun for either of us.

Her adoration beckons him, concluding his thoughts of a rather catastrophic end. Or perhaps, amusing? Distractions aside, the tom immediately retorts, “It’s worse than painful!” Painful? Just painful?! Is having your heart ripped out of your chest every night just painful?! He’s grumbling, akin to a kit not getting what they want. Stupid rules, not letting us be together. Under normal circumstances her giggles would lift his mood, however, all it does is cause him to pout. “Of course I love you both a lot! That’s such a bad question. And of course I won’t let it get to the point of not doing warrior stuff. I go on patrols, spar with other warriors, and do plenty! As for getting hurt I know you both don’t want me to get hurt, and it’s not like I want to get mauled by either a fox or eagle, but I’m trying to say I’m serious about us. I don’t want to die, but if it means protecting both of you, I won’t hesitate.” Both of you mean so much to me, I can’t even bear being alone in my nest anymore. If one of you died, I already died with you.

And then there is movement. Did I accidentally press against her too much or was she uncomfortable? As he watches her shake her pelt, one thing is certain.

She is nothing short of an enchantress. The very moment in which she pinned him was the same she had filched not only his heart forever more, but his breath. Had she not trapped him beneath her, he very well would run off, inclined to partake in puerile acts most befitting of apprentices such as engraving undying love for her and Oddpaw within the confines of Skyclan territory. Whether it is scraping hymns of devotion along the walls of the warrior den or a grove of trees. Proof of his love, one that will exceed him, one that cats of the future would stare nonplussed. Was such a love possible? Could anyone love with such intensity befitting of a rabid fox? Or would it become a phenomena much like the great lion clan passed down as fables to kits? Only time would tell.

In present time, his shock dissipates into pure adoration, purrs rumbling from his throat. Stars… Your voice, your laughs, your strength, your eyes, your everything. I want more of this. Don’t let it end. Despite his ogling, her words do not fall on deaf ears this time. Each word pierces his heart, yet he does not tug at the arrows.

Wrong. Bad. Those were the words he often heard spoken in his direction. And if there were no words, then there was disgust laced on their features. He was no moron. To hear that his partner did not perceive him as broken, weird, selfish, or a monster was as if he traversed the desert in search of water for eons finally finding an oasis. Was he truly this starved for the simplest of reassurances? He cares not when his sister is mentioned, however, when Oddpaw their shared love is mentioned to harbor similar feelings as Owlheart… Crowsight is skeptical. I understand what you’re getting at my love, but you aren’t him. Just like you aren’t Ashenclaw. Oddpaw’s feelings are his own and maybe it is similar, but it isn’t the same. Maybe he doesn’t see it. Maybe he does. The only way to know is to ask him.

Opinions go unvoiced, seeing as there is no reason to bring it up. After all, he believes in her. I am enough. The arrows lodged in his heart burn, hissing in protest at his demurral. It would be an arduous path in accepting her words as truth without the arrows searing flesh and bone. Nevertheless, it is of his volition to retain them. And when the time came they no longer scorched, he would pluck them one by one. Hopefully by then he would’ve amassed enough strength to contest the darkness within him. Why are you sorry? A maw parts, unable to inquire as she stabs him with a final arrow.

“I have your heart? Your heart… is mine?” The red tabby beguiles the black smoke yet again. “How long?” Since when did I have it? A black tail intertwines with red, while black arms slowly shift to wrap their arms around her neck as she assaults him with affection. How did I get so lucky? A purr leaves his throat, “I trust you.” It means more than that and she knows it, but his mush riddled brain can’t scrunge up a more satisfactory word to express himself. What better way than to show it? Despite his limited range of motion due to being pinned by her, he had no intention of leaving this position. It was far too delightful feeling her weight on him as well as the sensation of their fur brushing against each other.

Crowsight, for one, was no malingerer. He would face this challenge head on. “You know you don’t have to pin me to keep me, right?” A sly grin curls from his lips as he leans forward, deciding to torture her with distance. “I can’t say I don't enjoy this.” Arms pull her down so his maw is level with her ears. “You should do this again. After all, there’s nothing like having one of the most beautiful and strong cats in the forest pinning you down. I want you to pin Oddpaw too, unlike him I know how to share.” The thought of their dashing partner being startled at Owlheart’s sudden show of strength does wonders to his heart. Oh, how he wishes to see the calico bury himself into red fur and listen to their melodious purrs. She’ll make you lose it too, my shining sun.

A mixture of chuffs and purrs rumble from him, not that he cares about keeping an image. All he is concerned with is letting go and allowing himself this. Allowing himself to love Owlheart without any restraint. A black paw caresses her cheek, “I think he would look absolutely cute, wouldn’t you agree? Or should we tease him as payback? It’s not fair that he’s so handsome and we can’t drag him into cuddling again. He’s being awfully mean, not even wanting to take a break with us.” Crowsight draws away from her ear and when their eyes meet, there’s a mischievous glint in his eyes.

“Don’t think I forgot about you. This was meant to make you feel better! Not me Owl.” How did this conversation stray so far from its original purpose? He had never anticipated she would take the reins and comfort him when she was more stressed than he was. It’s your turn now! “Actually, I’m going to be greedy right now. It’s been so long and at night I can’t be like this with you.” If she dared to retort, he would ignore her pleas. This torture has gone on long enough. He would press their noses, nuzzle against her, place kisses wherever he could, and purr.

As for the question of how long. Well… It would seem Owlheart would be an unfortunate soul who would have to endure this onslaught until Crowsight decided enough. “How’d I get so lucky? Owlie I’m not giving back your heart, you’ll have to fight for it. Ugh, why can’t meetings come sooner? The first thing we’re doing once Odd becomes a warrior is making our nest. It’s hard enough. I don’t even want you to get off me. I just want to stay here with you. I don’t want to sleep in my nest alone.” What did you two do to me? I can’t even sleep alone anymore. Every time I try, nothing feels right. The nest is too small, too empty, too cold, and it doesn’t have any of your scents. Both of you are too far. It’s not fair!

His complaints were not necessarily meant for her to respond to. However, if she did, he would continue to whine about their situation. She was amused earlier when he proclaimed as such, but the depths of how grueling this ordeal was endless. Finally, after an eternity, his affections cease with a kiss to her lip, “I love you. Thank you Owlheart.” The aches of his heart have been soothed for a mere moment. When they are forced to retire for the night is when the arrows lodged in his heart will scorch, leaving the miserable tom to scream in silence for his partners who are worlds apart.

“Do you want to talk about your dad more? Or is there something else on your mind? Or we could talk about anything else too. Like… What’s your favorite thing to eat or what bird is your favorite?” I want to spend more time with you. It doesn’t matter what we talk about, we could even talk about how hot it's getting. I could listen to you speak forever.​

 

[Owlheart]

The thought of Crowsight being in harm's way for her sake brings an ugly twist of sorrow, her expressions mirrors that. Temporarily mourning a version of life where he would be mauled by an eagle or a fox for either herself or Oddpaw’s sake. “Don't. I understand that you wouldn’t hesitate but don’t throw yourself in front of danger for us” her words are firm, yet there is a crack in her voice, throat swelling at the thought. “You can show that you’re serious about us in non life threatening ways” she offered, trying to lighten the sombre mood she had caused within her own mind.

Quietly admiring the tom now under her was enough to anchor her mind from wandering too far out to the thoughts of mourning and grief. His question causes her face to scrunch, staring at him owlishly, incredulous to how he would not understand that he had her heart in an equal manner. Her tail curls around his own black tail instinctually, it was becoming second nature at this point for her tail to find it’s place entangled with her partners. If anything it felt wrong these days without it, longing for that warmth and pressure. “How long?” she repeats with a slow blink, trying to pinpoint when it was difficult. “Well, you had a small part of it when you gave me that feather, no one’s ever given me a gift before” she confesses softly, pausing her demonstration of affection.

It was a little embarrassing to admit that something as simple as a small gift had stolen her affections like that. Yet here she was, with the same tom that had given her that feather now expressing love and adoration. “I think it was when we had that… mishap of a date? When you didn’t think you had asked me on one.” She recalls the night fondly, even if in the moment it had felt like she was going to die of a heart attack. “You were kind, despite being confused. You cared a lot, you still do but I hadn’t realised that until then. It was hard for you to have not had my heart.” Some may call her foolish, too fast and forward with her feelings.

She may be inclined to agree with those who think that of her but she didn’t think it was a bad thing to be foolish with her feelings. Being so ready to give her heart to others could have its drawbacks but she trusted her partners with it implicitly. “How long have I had yours then?” she asked with a small smile, pressing her cheek against his. Her heart felt like it had stopped for a moment, knowing that he trusted her. A part of her was worried that she was unworthy of his trust but surely he would have left by now if she was.

“Oh! I can move if you want” she offered, blinking in surprise. Had she been the one to hurt him in her attempts to pin him? Did he not like this? She hadn’t done anything like this before so maybe it was too much. Her self doubt dissipated when he clarified that he did in fact enjoy it. She felt her ears heat up at his words, stars her whole body felt like it was on fire again. A similar uncomfortable warmth that she was used to experiencing whenever Oddpaw would use the sweetest of names and whenever Crowsight was as direct as he was being now. Noticing that glint in his eyes caused a nervous giggle, she didn’t usually like to showcase any strength that she possesses, another aspect of that self doubt she supposed in retrospect. Displaying it in small bursts like this was something she could do, the idea of being able to pin Oddpaw and treat him to a moons worth of pent up affection sounded nice. “He would look cute, do you think he’ll let us cuddle him again after he receives his name?” Her words were wistful, it felt both too far and close all the same.

“We should tease him” she decided with a small nod, taking the opportunity of Crowsight drawing away from her ear to bring her maw to his own. Licking at a spot behind it in a display of affection, a small sigh escaping her at the thought of the three of them being together again. The tabby had paused her display of affection as Crowsight started his own onslaught, causing another laugh to slip out. “You’re not banned from being affectionate my heart” the only limit she had set in place was sharing a nest since that couldn’t be feasible for them to do with Oddpaw yet. While she was lonely too she felt worse knowing that Crowsight must be doing awful by himself in his nest, she wondered Oddpaw must be feeling right now. “I know, I don’t want to sleep in my nest alone too. It’s not fair if we were cuddling and left Oddpaw out though.” She pointed out with a pout, not really understanding that she wasn’t supposed to reply to his complaints.

Her mentality was that when someone vocalised something a reply was always expected, you could just keep those as thoughts otherwise. While Owlheart had started to grasp just how well dramatic her partners could be she didn’t quite comprehend to what extent that dramatic outlook extended to. She returned the kiss that the tom had given, kissing his lips before nuzzling her head against his neck. “I love you too, you don’t have to thank me for caring about you, you can talk to me about anything.” Truthfully, she didn’t plan on moving from where she was until he requested it, or when she got tired. Whichever came first.

His questions brought back the bitter reminder for what had caused this escalation to begin with. While the spectre of her father had dulled in pain since speaking to the smoke about it, invoking his title of her father had brought it back slightly. “Do you think you could come with me to visit my dad sometime?” Maybe the pressure of someone else going would convince her to actually commit to visiting. That was a silly idea, why would he want to go do something as sombre as that? She shook her head slightly, ear flicking in his direction as she tried to consider something else that he had asked.

Owlheart didn’t want to bring down the mood again, she could and she absolutely would stress about this another time. “You don’t want to know what bird is my favourite, I’d be here forever. They all have such neat qualities, how can you possibly compare an eagle to a jay you know? Just picking one is cruel” she hadn’t realised she was rambling, not even getting to the point of what bird was actually her favourite. This made her realise that she didn’t even know what Crowsight’s favourite bird was. Pulling away from him slightly, she gazed down at the smoke in wonder. “Do you have a favourite bird? Or favourite thing to eat? Oh, why do you like sparring so much?” Her train of thought concluded the topic of sparring.

She always saw him trying to spar with someone, while the idea of sparring was daunting she wanted to try it sometime with him, maybe she should ask sometime. There was a selfish reason for asking about something he was interested in, she too wanted to spend as much time as she could here. Wanting to waste an hour or two of their time just enjoying eachothers company and having the joy of listening to him.​