private LONG TIME NO SEE ☀︎ CELANDINEPAW

[DIMMINGSUN]

@CELANDINEPAW ​

Never again does Dimmingsun wish to feel the helplessness of not finding his apprentice in his line of sight. Never to begin with, but the Twoleg-created calamity had made it into reality, and it's still difficult to accept that it happened at all. He should've paid more attention. Should've walked with Celandinepaw into RiverClan's territory; she probably never even seen it before, unless barn cats liked to trespass within wetland. Anyone with sense and with the fortune of being emotionally separated from the situation would tell him there were too many things happening at once, too many to count... that alone should give him peace of mind, but it doesn't.

So, he seeks him out as soon as he can. She's been brought back with all her fur intact, safe and healthy, but there had been a look in her eyes that Dimmingsun could only write off as fear. She's young and inexperienced... of course she would be scared; they all were, big and mighty warriors who even experienced the dead come back to life.

Celandinepaw's golden fur comes into view, and he is but a moth to flame.

"Hello." His voice is a rumble, one he hopes would not deter her from talking to him. "How are you holding up?"
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[CELANDINEPAW]

Celandinepaw had never experienced such fear, in its purest and most undiluted form, before. The young molly remembered it all too well - how the wildfire roared and crowed along the horizon lines, how it snapped with white-tipped fangs at the ends of her paws. Even the blade-sharp scent of burning wood and grass did not leave easily. How was she to know that a blaze could grow so big, so gluttonous, so monstrous? The only fires she had bore witness to before were the hearths of her housefolk, and they had been tamed within brick bars, dying out when they sensed there was little tinder to hold fast to. The former barncat could still feel how hard she had run that day, as though immolating herself to the unfettered beast of dread, allowing it to swallow her whole and spit out thin bird-bone. She felt how the dirt caked her legs and her face, a mawkish mask, a mockery of what she thought she had accomplished by coming past the wooden fences. The newly-made apprentice had returned with the help of Sparkspirit, though witnessing the might of nature's wrath had left her a shell of former glories, like the flames had burnt out the twine in her body and hollowed her form through. Wheat-tinged eyes remained haunted, edged in what she had seen that day. Even now, she had not fully returned to what she once was.

Keen ears caught upon her mentor's voice, though it did not bombard frayed senses, and it was a welcome distraction from the din and mayhem of a catastrophe's aftermath. At least he had come to comfort her, did not judge her for succumbing to the depths of her cowardice. "Hi, Dimmingsun." She greeted her mentor, and attempted to give the familiar tom the same smile she often doled out, though it fell short of wonted curvature. The gold-coated tom could have, perhaps, sensed the unease present upon every hair of her silhouette. She could not hold a front, not at the moment. "I'm not really doing okay. I'm sorry for running out on the clan like that, but I was so, so scared. I've never seen a fire that big before. I don't really know why I did it." Her cadence came as a murmur rather than a beam, as though it had been smothered by stacks of sallowing smoke, of which stained the sunrisen skies of her very frame. I'm sorry for disappointing Windclan. Sometimes, I feel like I should have never come here...

( sorry for the late reply waghh )​

 

[DIMMINGSUN]

His tail flicked, wayward in its approval; in perfect sync with the smile that appears when Celandinepaw responds. Dimmingsun's adoration of her had been no secret; perhaps he wouldn't feel as attached if Sunstar had given responsibility over her to anyone else... he surely hasn't found many chances to interact with Scorpionback, although Dimmingsun deems it only natural with that gruff exterior. But, as it stands, she takes priority over any other duty.

He notices the lack of brightness in her own smile, but doesn't comment. The admission that follows more than makes up for an explanation.

"That's alright," he all but coos as he settles beside her. "It's alright not to be okay, I mean. It was terrifying, and so soon after you joined, too..." Dimmingsun remembers back to the possible reality he had crafted when mulling over Celandinepaw's absence at the Beech Copse - how he feared for her safety, concerned himself with images of her returning to her previous home. Perhaps she'd have felt better if she did, and he couldn't exactly fault her for it, which all proved to just make it worse.

Maybe a more stoic mentor would scold her now. Remind her that she very well could have died and that it was foolish to run without someone else looking after her... but Dimmingsun is certain she already learned that lesson for life. "I'm just glad you didn't get hurt. Next time- I hope there won't be a next fire, but disaster happens... and when it does, I promise not to let you out of my sight."
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[CELANDINEPAW]

Triangular ears folded back as shame smoldered just beneath sunkissed pelt, as though the mere thought of disappointment reproached Celandinepaw harshly, an endlessly buzzing fly on the chip of her shoulder. Any smile that had painted itself on her face had now washed off, as the voice that told her saccharine falsehoods continued to croon. She just hated to be looked at in pity, like she were nothingbut a helpless kit burning up in the eyes of those much taller and stronger and greater. Her mentor consoled her regardless, as though any sort of possible slander had not occurred on more seasoned tongue, and she wanted to believe that Dimmingsun was correct. It's alright not to be okay. She liked that saying. She mused that it must have been scary, even for those that had lived in the moors their entire lives. To see one's home waste away into a cadaver of ash was not a fate she would consign to anyone. Wheat-hued gaze did not meet the tom's brilliant one, and swirling emotions flushing through tender flesh had been enough to set her into place. Tail coiled around golden paws, as if to shirk away more of her form.

"Thank you, Dimmingsun. I feel like such a big coward, you know? I came to Windclan right after your big war, and everyone wanted me to not mess up, and I just ended up proving them right. I don't want Windclan - I mean, my clanmates - to be mad at me. Even the kittens were braver than me." Verses spilled out of honeyed maw, though they did not flow ceremoniously like songbird's melody, moreso like swampwater slinking out of the mouth of a pipe. She had never been the smoothest cat, rough-hewn and hawed in her authenticity. But now, she had exposed herself as the bright sun did every day, revealing what lie just beyond the cheeriness that she liked to exhume. Even with her mentor's comfort, all she wanted to do now was to curl up in her hay-and-twine nest in the barn, as if she cowered away from the sheer cruelty of the world beyond the fence. All she wanted to do was hide away from all the bad.​

 

[DIMMINGSUN]

The sand between his paws screams for his attention, and Dimmingsun finds it difficult to ignore when Celandinepaw's words are so... raw. It's not that he hadn't expected it; would have been a foolish expectation given the nature of his very first question. There's just simply an unbearable warmth spreading from his chest with the knowledge that Celandinepaw seems to trust him enough with this information. He definitely wouldn't have pushed if she hadn't given a proper answer.

"A coward for... what, exactly?" Dimmingsun's whiskers twitch with light amusement, soft around the edges and lacking any real tease. "Fleeing the fire?" He's well-aware that phrasing it that way is much different than how Celandinepaw thinks of it — and perhaps some of their Clanmates, if they know the full story, but he pays them no mind in this regard. They, too, were apprentices once, forced to experience the full scale of the world when they were still just starting to grow into their too-long limbs.

He doesn't miss the root of Celandinepaw's issue. Dimmingsun is familiar with the desire to prove himself, of wanting to avoid anything that'd say otherwise.

A little snort moved the air between them. "To be fair, the kits are all too young to really understand the danger. They might not even remember those days. Stars, they might think we were just playing a really complicated game."

His tail has mostly been idle up to this point, maybe sweeping the dirt between a few pauses here and there, but now it heaves- wraps lightly over Celandinepaw's flank, soft and hopefully comforting. It'd be hypocritical of him to ask her to stop looking so sour and forget about the whole thing. If he has to guess, he would assume she will carry this "fault" of her long into warriorhood; a scar that will eventually heal over but be just as easy to cut open again as when it was in a fresh state.

"You know, I do get it," he admits, hoping this approach will work better. "I felt like a coward too when I was in RiverClan. All I could think of was the others trying to put out the fire, and what was I doing? Just lounging about." Dimmingsun heaves a breath, willing his words to go into a helpful direction instead of simply self-deprecating. "It wouldn't have helped them if I snuck out. Considering I could barely breathe, I'd have just hindered them... it's important to know how to pick your battles. Maybe you didn't live up to your own expectations this time, but who's to say you won't exceed them next time?"
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[CELANDINEPAW]

A brush of fleeting warmth lapped at her flank, and Celandinepaw glanced briefly at her mentor's tail that softly comforted her, as soft as a mist shedding its vapors onto one's coat. The apprentice did not shake off Dimmingsun's attempt to comfort, instead granted him a sliver of a smile at the attempt at the very least. The cats of the Horseplace were hardly the mouthy and verbose kind, and any consolation tended to come in the form of silent action and wordless affirmation. Actions spoke louder than words, after all. Celandine wished that she were at kitten's age now, with eiderdown sticking too persistently to her pelt, and with eyes too low to ever face disaster and grief at its ugly head. She didn't understand the throes of war when Windclan had sheltered at the barn. Now, she had stared death in the eye, through the maw of the lucent flame. She wished never to look at it again, lest it consume her alive in a stew of her own nerves. The wildcats grew up so quickly, but the spotted tabby felt as though she had been left behind in this rush of a race, like a one-winged bird lost upon the winter's temper. It was as though they had learned this as they were born, or were perhaps granted courage by their great ancestors upon Silverpelt. She had no such thing, no gift nor birthright.

"You do...?" Celandinepaw murmured as her weeping had bleared her vision and a fire had flushed under her eyes and her cheeks. She wiped away a trail of wetness as it streaked down her plump cheeks. "At least you stayed with the cats in Riverclan. That was helping, I think. You didn't run away. Even if you wanted to." She mewed between shaky breaths, though downpour of her sorrows had dimmed down to mere dew and drizzle, as the storm of her sadness soon lifted its deathly pall. It was a great solace, at least, to find that even such a mighty cat as her mentor also felt the same feelings as she. "That's true... But everyone's expectations seem impossible to meet. I didn't grow up with everyone, y'know? It's like I'm a little kitten again, learning everything for the first time. Some cats aren't patient about it, at all, because they've never been in my shoes." Dead weight, lazy barncat, coward... She swore she heard the apprentices mutter behind her back, backhanded compliments woven in between their drivel.

𝘗𝘙𝘌𝘔𝘖𝘕𝘐𝘛𝘐𝘖𝘕𝘚 𝘚𝘔𝘐𝘓𝘐𝘕𝘎 𝘐𝘕 𝘛𝘏𝘌 𝘋𝘈𝘙𝘒 .° ✿ °. 𝘐 𝘊𝘈𝘕 𝘚𝘌𝘌 𝘛𝘏𝘌 𝘚𝘛𝘖𝘙𝘠 𝘐𝘚 𝘚𝘛𝘈𝘙𝘛𝘐𝘕𝘎 𝘛𝘖 𝘈𝘙𝘊

• OOC:
  
• ( NOTE: Reference is a placeholder until a drawn reference can be supplied. Credit HERE )​
  
• 

  —— CELANDINEPAW / She/They/He / 9 Moons
  —— Moor Runner Apprentice of Windclan / Mentored by Dimmingsun
  —— A shorthaired golden spotted tabby with yellowish-green eyes. Somewhat pudgy, though lean and able to hold her ground in the wild.
  —— Extroverted and unafraid to speak their mind, she is a friendly and affable face in Windclan. Though ditzy and somewhat cowardly, she tries her best to help her clan.
  —— Penned by Tempest. Contact on Discord (naruk4mi) for plots and threads.

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[DIMMINGSUN]

Dimmingsun nods, letting his tail remain over Celandinepaw's flank. She doesn't rob him of the chance to comfort her... and that has to count for something, when words themselves seem too little. Celandinepaw has an iron grip on her guilt.

"You can look at it that way," he murmurs. Notices the tears underneath his apprentices' eyes; wishes he could stop them before they overflow. "Or... you can look at it from my perspective. Not only was I idle, but I also ate food that RiverClanners caught for me. I definitely did not feel like I was helping." At least he had helped Periwinklebreeze with the kits. If Dimmingsun did not even have that to focus on during that time, he would have been even grumpier.

A quiet hum escapes him then. Had Dimmingsun been this blind to what Celandinepaw was going through, or is she just this good at hiding it? He did suspect she might be experiencing a drift between her and the apprentices, but evidently, he was naive enough to believe it didn't stem from anything other than her heritage. Clan cats seldom welcome outsiders with open arms. There are expectations, some more unrealistic than the rest, and the never-ending desire to be worthy.

This, Dimmingsun cannot relate to. Colony life had been different before they all divided into five, but the base principle was there: all for one, one for one. Dimmingsun was born into something Celandinepaw just plopped right in the middle of. "You said it yourself. They don't know your side of the story, or what you're going through, so why let them influence you?" Of course... it's easier said than done. "For what it's worth, I believe in you. Scorpionback too, I'm sure. I just hope you'll get to believe in yourself in time, too."
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