LOST LOVE IN YOUR CATACOMBS ♡ ASHENFALL

[MIRESTAR]

It is not a decision made lightly, but Mirestar makes it anyway.

They are quickly becoming aware of their own selfishness — natural, considering it lives within everybody, but the newly gained leadership is intent on shining light on it again and again. Much to their own dismay...

"Thank you for meeting me here," they murmur, bushy tail feather-light along Ashenfall's flank as they move to meet his gaze directly. The place is not quite as secluded as the den itself would be, but considering Ashenfall's condition, Mirestar would rather spare him the pain of painstakingly dragging himself up the roots that lead to the leader's private confines. The back of the oak tree would be good enough.

Mirestar regards Ashenfall; considers backing out, even if he would surely raise his eyebrows to the very skies. They have not uttered a word to anyone about what StarClan has told them... only Lilacfur knows, and presumably Starlingheart, considering the knowing look she gave them. Even Chilledstar has advised Mirestar to keep their eight lives a secret. It makes sense, even if veiling the truth from their Clanmates hurts like a thorn in their pawpad — ShadowClanners have always assumed their ancestors have abandoned them or cursed them. The knowledge that their new leader is not as usual as the rest would surely add to the panic.

But...

Ashenfall lost a father, not just a leader. Mirestar would always feel the haunting pain of being abandoned by Smogstar, but that sort of agony does not compare to Ashenfall's and the rest of the family. He deserves to know.

Their paws shift; uneasy. "I... I cannot tell you whether to keep this to yourself or not-" Swansong, Garlicheart, Halfsun... "-but I believe not announcing it to the whole Clan would be beneficial. I'm sure you will understand." Will he? He is smart; a warrior Mirestar would fight any battle with. But emotions have a way of controlling your actions... Mirestar can only hope Ashenfall will treat this information as something sacred, rather than a point of every-day gossip.

"Smogstar is... he is alive, as far as StarClan knows. He was not there to meet me." There is more they ought to say, but the uncertainty of Ashenfall's reaction stops them from continuing.

@ASHENFALL

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[ASHENFALL]

“Mmyeah, sure…” Ashenfall mutters half-heartedly, distracted by the haze filling his static-blurred head, and perhaps he should have been more attentive to the nervous energy darting behind Mirestar’s gaze, but all he bothers to gather is a sense that he’s being assessed.

He assesses them back. Odd eyes narrow and he wonders if he’s in some sort of trouble, like he’s an apprentice again getting caught one too many times dodging the morning patrols to play hooky. It takes a few moments to remember that he’s not six moons old anymore, he’s a grown-up, a Warrior playing Queen laying Adult. And Mirestar is a warrior, a skilled straverser of the marsh as much as he was, playing Deputy playing Leader. It still hurts to address them, their return from the Moonstone the final lump of dirt in the metaphorical grave of his father. There is no actual grave, and it drives him crazy to think about that for too long.

One of his little belly-dwellers delivers an impressive blow to the inside of his rib and still Mirestar isn’t saying much and Ashenfall is tempted to hiss, ’Well, spit it out already!’ But they save themself from the wrath of a pissy queen, for now. Ashenfall only winces and twists his ears, remaining mute as they shuffled their paws and prattled on a nervous preface. Wait, they looked really nervous, why?

His attention sharpens as he is asked to keep a secret. Brow furrows and he can feel himself breathe, something slow but beginning to shake. They trust his judgment in this, he’s told, and dread blankets itself on his pelt. And then, the truth.

“He’s alive…” he echoes, the logical part of him in disbelief, but a larger bit of him vindicates in the confirmation of his faith. He kind of wants to cry again, but he can’t, and relief can only last so long before everything else trickles in to follow. “How, I mean, did they tell you where he was?” Surely Starclan would see with their ever-watchful eyes littering the skies, and a panicky sort of energy compels him to continue speaking, “Something must’ve happened, we need to find him, we-”

Baby blue eyes just look at him, and there’s something there that piles on again that hopelessness that had burned off in the moments before, “Wh-... What?” What is being left unsaid, why is this only being shared to him. Something’s wrong.

YOULL ASK WHAT CAN I DO? ⭒☽⛧☾⭒ AND THERE WILL BE NO ANSWER

• OOC:
• 
• 
  — ashenkit . ashenpaw . ashenfall
  — he/him. 17mo warrior of shadowclan. formerly mentored by smogstar. mated with flintwish.
  — smogstar x halfshade. littermate to applejaw, swansong & garlicheart. older brother of halfsun and laurelgrin
  — a stout, longhaired blue torbie w/ pale blue and amber eyes
  — sarcastic, sharp-eyed, sulky, nostalgic, faithful, impulsive, candid, provocative, remorseful
  — "speech", thoughts
  — penned by eezy
  

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[MIRESTAR]

The difference in hierarchy matters little to none when Ashenfall looks at Mirestar like that. Scorching, dual-colored eyes; they know how to probe into one's very soul, and with the way the shadows settle upon his face, the contours bear a striking resemblance to his father.

Evidently, Smogstar is not really gone. If not within the hushed talks... then within his kin's very existence.

He echoes what Mirestar has uttered into the world, and now it cannot be taken back. At least one cat knows — and Starlingheart, assuming that she, too, has looked for that face within StarClan's ranks by now. Mirestar waits for the world to crumble underneath their paws and for the earth to swallow them whole. It does not come.

"No," they are quick to say. "Not even StarClan knows about his whereabouts, apparently. I would have sent out patrols immediately if they had told me." Does Ashenfall believe them? Mirestar has not crafted a blood-thirsty and ambitious reputation for themself; quite the opposite... but that very image has been questioned by the likes of Sharpshadow, looking for any secrets underneath their smile.

They simply have to hope Ashenfall does not assume the worst of them.

The air feels too little; like oxygen is not flowing enough. Mirestar clears their throat and forces themself to speak again. "Ashenfall, StarClan has not given me nine lives... only eight, because the last one is Smogstar's." They don't have the heart to tell him how StarClan referred to him as Smogmaw; it feels blasphemous, even if the stripping of one's rank came from the stars themselves. "And yet still, they wanted me to continue leading ShadowClan. I can continue sending out party after party even outside our own borders, but I would not know where to look. StarClan would not be there to guide us."

Does he not want to be found? Mirestar thinks they may as well have been shredded by the fiercest of warrior in the forest; uttering these words hurt, for they are in the place of Ashenfall's father. As leader, they have to understand that keeping the search up would take more from the Clan, and risk being fruitless in the end... but a son should not be forced to face that same reality with the knowledge that his father still breathes somewhere.
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