private LOVING HIM IN SILENCE \ blazestar

[TWITCHBOLT]

It was time to admit it, it seemed. Usually for personal matters that made him want to shred his own insides into pieces, he'd speak to Quillstrike- but this, this was the only thing he couldn't speak to Quillstrike about. After shoving his feelings into the core of the earth for so long, though... Twitchbolt wasn't sure it was the right way to go anymore. His ears lay flat against his head, and he ground his teeth together, head rattling with the unpleasant sound. It was good to ask someone with experience in this matter, right? Having feelings for people, and... having to get rid of them. Somehow. Daisyflight might have been a good option, but...

Orbicular olive eyes, amber-struck, stared at the back of Blazestar's head for a moment. The night was growing close, and- before he retired to the warrior's den, he needed to get it off his chest. Needed even the tiniest shred of advice for something he had not the tiniest clue of how to navigate. "Um-" the words lodged in his through, spilling out in only a single, odd noise. Twitchbolt cleared his throat, fur already feeling like a thorn-bush... but he'd bitten the bullet, now, and dressed himself with a dithering smile. "Blazestar, do you, uh- have time for a walk...? I'd, uhh- " The bicolour's muscles seized for a moment, interrupting himself. "I, uh- um, need some... advice." A crooked tail flicked in the direction he intended to go, out through the threshold... though his smile lost its enthusiasm rather quickly as he realised he now couldn't back out of this.

Oh, he was an idiot. Perhaps the biggest one who had ever walked the earth.

\ @BLAZESTAR ​

penned by pin ✧​

 

[BLAZESTAR]

Twitchbolt’s voice nudges him out of winding thoughts. He blinks, turning to the newest young warrior to join his council. “A walk?” He’s tired, but the idea of retiring to his nest alone again sticks in his mind like a burr in the pelt. He glances up at the moon, waning back to nothing, only a thin sliver in the dark sky, and nods. “Sure. I could use one, now that my wound is healed.” He stretches, giving the brown-and-cream warrior a curious look. “Advice, hmm?”

Their paws crunch through pine needles as they leave the bustle of camp behind. It’s a warm night, as all nights recently are, but there’s just enough of a breathe so the air doesn’t feel opaque. Blazestar’s whiskers tremble with interest as he finally asks, “What is it you wanted to ask me, Twitchbolt?” Blazestar isn’t sure what sort of advice he can help the young tom with, but he’ll try his best.

✧ INFO.

•  
• 
  — blaise . blazestar
  — he/him ; leader of skyclan
  — pansexual ; divorced ; single
  — longhaired flame point Ragdoll with blue eyes
  — “speech”, thoughts, attack
  — penned by Marquette
  — chibi by Mercibun

​

 

[TWITCHBOLT]

He could already feel everything around him crumbling into nothing- with every step he took, it felt more and more as if he'd made some awful mistake. Still, upon Blazestar's acceptance he'd offered the large tom a grateful smile, close-lipped and brief but genuine nonetheless. It still felt- odd, not to be shrugged away. Not completely alien and unfathomable anymore, but still... strange.

A sigh slipped from him, quiet and thoughtful, as he thought about how to start. Every moment he didn't speak, Twitchbolt worried he'd been waiting too long- had plunged the conversation into irretrievable awkwardness before it had even begun. To break the (largely falsely-perceived) length of silence, the patchwork warrior cleared his throat. It was as if he'd dislodged a dam, for the words came flowing soon after. "Uh- I just wanted to ask..." and his voice trembled a little, before he stabilised it- a single eyelid twitched, one-two times. "How do you... how do you, like- move on from someone? Like- get over them."

His skin felt like the surface of the Sun. "You- don't have to, have to- have to- answer." They could talk about something else. Probably. If Twitchbolt could think of it quick enough. Strangely, he couldn't think very well at that moment. ​

penned by pin ✧​

 

[BLAZESTAR]

He’s glad to feel how at ease Twitchbolt is in his presence. There are very few circumstances in which Blazestar wishes to be intimidating to his own warriors, though he imagines his authority and size often play an equal part. He’d expected a question somewhere along the lines of “Why did you choose me?”, and he’s startled when that’s not what he receives. Twitchbolt’s question causes the SkyClan leader to blink. Once, twice.

“Get over them?” He repeats, almost stupidly. Twitchbolt must have singled him out for a reason, but… Blazestar thinks of his broken goodbye under the full moon, Little Wolf’s tears bitter under his tongue. “I don’t want to say goodbye to you,” he’d said, his eyes cramped with pain, his voice trembling. Her response, her plea, to spend just one more night together under the stars. Their vow to meet again in StarClan someday, where borders dissolved in mists of starshine.

“…I don’t know.” He’s pensive, his paw pads kicking up debris as he comes to a stop. “I suppose it depends on what you mean.” He looks to the younger warrior, his eyes narrowing. “I had no choice but to move on. Had I been given the choice… I never would have.” And just what is he moving on from, Blazestar wonders, but he wants to give the other tom a chance to respond, to explain.

✧ INFO.

•  
• 
  — blaise . blazestar
  — he/him ; leader of skyclan
  — pansexual ; divorced ; single
  — longhaired flame point Ragdoll with blue eyes
  — “speech”, thoughts, attack
  — penned by Marquette
  — chibi by Mercibun

​

 

[TWITCHBOLT]

Maybe it would have been simpler to let spill every single other doubt in the world that he had. It would have taken longer- much longer, but it might not have felt as if he was immediately ruining all semblance of put-togetherness he'd somehow impressed upon his leader. He winced at the repetition of his question, prepared- inexplicably- for Blazestar to start incredulously question why he'd ever ask his superior that sort of question- but, against his wildest irrationalities, the leader continued.

Had I been given the choice... I never would have. Twitchbolt was quiet for a few moments, brows faintly furrowed. "Yeah, that's... different, definitely. I'm, uh- sorry to bring it up." He meant it, forcing the words past the lump in his throat. Having to part with his ThunderClan mate was likely something Blazestar didn't often want to recount the memory of. When he thought about it, though- did he want to move on? Or was it simply a case of... trying to stop himself from feeling awful, preventing him from rolling around in the wallowing depths of unrequited...

"I, uh- I mean... if you have feelings for someone, and... and you know they'll never feel the same way about you. Have you ever... ever experienced that...?" At least he'd finally spat it out. Somewhat. ​

penned by pin ✧​

 

[BLAZESTAR]

Blazestar looks at Twitchbolt, his whiskers quivering just slightly as he listens to the lead warrior’s apology. “It’s okay. Really.” Though his tone is minimally more subdued, he finds himself able to offer the younger cat a small smile. “Pretending the past didn’t happen and flinching away from the truth has never done me any good.” He shifts. “I spent so long trying not to think about Little Wolf… and that’s not fair to her.”

Twitchbolt proceeds. “I, uh—I mean… if you have feelings for someone, and… and you know they’ll never feel the same way about you. Have you ever… ever experienced that…?” Blazestar gazes down at the anxious tom. “Well… yes.” He makes a low hum deep in his throat. “I never imagined Little Wolf would want to see me again after she joined ThunderClan. And…” Another pair of green eyes, round and full of warmth—the image fills his head, and it’s all he can do to prevent himself from shaking it away. “But Little Wolf proved my doubts wrong. Her actions told me what I was afraid her words never would.” He wonders who Twitchbolt is referring to…

✧ INFO.

•  
• 
  — blaise . blazestar
  — he/him ; leader of skyclan
  — pansexual ; divorced ; single
  — longhaired flame point Ragdoll with blue eyes
  — “speech”, thoughts, attack
  — penned by Marquette
  — chibi by Mercibun

​

 

[TWITCHBOLT]

Even though the mere fact that Blazestar was much older than he was would be more than enough to convince Twitchbolt that his words held water and wisdom, they rang true, too. Forgetting the past, repressing the truth- it was a lot of effort, painful, agonising effort. He could imagine, at least... in regards to the past. The truth- the truth of something hurting, though? It seemed there was no painless way out of that. You had to accept that it hurt- which was painful- or bottle it up- which was equally so. "You're right," he said, slowly nodding his head. His throat felt dry.

Pupils lingered long on Blazestar's lips as he spoke, twitching side-to-side, trying to read the subtleties. The leader looked thoughtful, vaguely conflicted, as he spoke. It was near-impossible to figure out what was really on his mind- and Twitchbolt wasn't going to try It'd be- rude, really, nasty, to attempt it. It- it surprised him, that Blazestar and Little Wolf had... had doubts. When he'd seen them, they'd been... together, and it seemed like it worked. Like they just knew how it was all supposed to work. Maybe that was just youth, though.

"I see..." His voice sounded genuinely thoughtful, and he looked slightly past Blazestar for a few moments. "Her- her actions..." Maybe he was being too vague. Some of it seemed similar- actions showing more than words.

"Don't- don't tell anyone, but-" Twitchbolt trusted Blazestar not to, but if any cat was prone to taking precautions, it was Twitchbolt. "Quillstrike... he does things, sometimes, that... make me feel like... he wants to, uh... like he feels that way about me." The mahogany-and-white tom spoke quickly, now, tongue feeling like a bramble-tangle in his mouth. He flicked his tail, jay-feather adorned. "But he... he says things that make me think otherwise. He's- more or less said... it's not going to happen. Even if... it- it- it seems like..."

When had his breath quickened? He needed a moment to- to catch his breath, to... stop feeling so dizzy.​

penned by pin ✧​

 

[BLAZESTAR]

Blazestar does not feign surprise at Twitchbolt’s reveal. The two had been close friends since their early apprenticeships, and their loyalty to one another had always gladdened the Ragdoll’s heart. He’d been surprised at Quillstrike’s announcement that he’d officially become mated to Honeysplash, but he’d wished them well all the same, coming to the same conclusion Twitchbolt seems to be trying to force into existence—that he and Quillstrike had always been close friends and nothing more. He purses his lips, thinking about his response.

“I think the words are for self-protection,” he explains softly. He thinks of Moonpaw, how barbed her tongue is, how guarded her heart. It’s because she was afraid to get too close to her family, only to lose them over and over the way she’d lost her sister. He knows this because he knows her, and Quillstrike… “He lived a very different life before he joined SkyClan. I know you probably know more about that than I do, but I remember the rogue he was before. Violent, quick to anger, and distrustful of all of us.” He smiles faintly. “You were the first one to get him out of his own head. You and Thistleback.”

He gazes down at the twitching brown and white warrior, his expression thoughtful. “Remember what I said before… he is saying what he wants to say with his actions.” Blazestar laughs self-deprecatingly. “Don’t take my word for it, though… I’m probably the last cat in the forest who should be giving advice like this.”

✧ INFO.

•  
• 
  — blaise . blazestar
  — he/him ; leader of skyclan
  — pansexual ; divorced ; single
  — longhaired flame point Ragdoll with blue eyes
  — “speech”, thoughts, attack
  — penned by Marquette
  — chibi by Mercibun

​

 

[TWITCHBOLT]

Blazestar's lack of surprise almost made Twitchbolt angry. If it was that obvious- why couldn't the one cat who he wanted to work it out do so? It fizzled out as quick as a lightning strike, though. One flash, for hen Blazestar spoke again, and Twitchbolt took in steadying breaths as he listened to the leader. His ears flattened a little, eyes misted with thoughtfulness. Self preservation. Quillstrike had never touched on many specifics, even to him- but he had known the other tom's parents had been about as bad as Twitchbolt's own. A protection from being hurt- self-preservation. It added up, and... now Honeysplash had left, too, without saying anything.

He imagined he would feel burned, too.

Twitchbolt knew, at least, that he would never abandon Quillstrike. Even if it kept him in this odd purgatory of his feelings, where he felt like something might happen but he was too afraid to suggest it... when he thought of it as just being at Quillstrike's side and little else, it didn't seem so painful. "You're... you're right, I think. He's... he's been burned before." A trembling smile formed itself upon Blazestar's small joke, but afterward Twitchbolt shook his head. "No, no- you... you've really helped me, Blazestar. I'm- I'm sorry I..." Did he need to apologise? For what, even? The leader had not expressed disinterest- but he still felt like he was an inconvenience, most of the time. "I mean- thank you. I know this isn't- isn't the normal sort of thing you- you'd expect from your council," and he cracked a smile as he said it, a seldom-seen joke, "But I appreciate it."​

penned by pin ✧​