You're not that powerful, Silversmoke. White hot fury glinted in his eyes, his jaw muscles tightening to a point of near-brittleness. He said nothing of the agony it caused him to hear such a thing, he only glared at Auburnflame in warning: 'don't say it again'. He was willing to hear many things he did not want to if it meant fixing a severed bond, but that was a step too far and he needed the calico to understand it. Fairness was everything to the tomcat, and Auburnfame had lost it. A snakelike hiss erupted from between his bared teeth, his fur bristling like the river's waves. "Because I don't want anyone to have my back! Why can't you respect that?" He cried out, exasperated by Auburnflame's stubbornness and refusing to see the mirror image that lay within it - he didn't know who would be hurt by the parallel more, Auburnflame, or himself. His agitation wavered but did not fully disappear, tempered by the unevenness of Auburnflame's tone but marred by the sternness of his own. The rogues had never listened to a word he'd said when he was a crying mess of a child, he knew if he reverted to that now, then the calico would never try to resonate with him.
"Everything I've ever done up to this point has been on my own. No family, no friends, nothing. SkyClan changed that without ever asking to. I love that they did it and hate it all at the same time and it confuses me so fucking much. This clan has enough to worry about without one of its Lead Warriors wrestling with these unnecessary feelings." Clanmates were going missing at a breakneck pace, there was dissension amidst the ranks and he scarcely gave himself time to breathe, let alone come to terms with what it meant to be an equal. He was an unwanted kittypet, a rogue scoundrel who criticised a thirst for blood whilst wrestling with his own every time he locked eyes with Slate. His affection had always meant to be one-sided, or else he'd keep on stacking up favours with the very clan that saved his life and gave him purpose. They'd done enough already, even Auburn had done enough merely by existing. A sharp sigh escaped him, his narrowed pupils slowly dilating to their normal diameter. His anger felt like lightning flowing through his veins, it wanted to electrocute anything that dared stick its nose too close to his business, but just as memory had made him venomous, it also grounded him. The Lead Warrior remembered how comfortable he'd felt in the calico's presence, how happy he'd been.
Tufted ears twitched more and more madly by the minute. He moved away, he moved forwards, regardless, he still ended up a breadth away from Auburnflame, listening to his words no matter how agonising each new syllable became. They wanted him to be better, but could they ever offer such a thing? He thought he knew himself like the back of his paw: stubborn as an ox and unwavering it what it made to be a warrior. He liked challenges of the body but not of the mind yet here Auburnflame was, giving him so much to think about that he swore he almost felt his brain combust. The spotted tabby's words were quiet but firm, the heavy rising and falling of his chest giving away quite how much he was suppressing himself. "Look, I don't expect you to understand what it means to hate someone. The day I met Slate was the second time I'd ever lost something important because of someone. Every day he's here and shows no remorse for our shared past it is like a reminder that he can take again and keep on taking and taking until all that is left of me is ash and bone. To ask someone to forgive the very fire that burned them when it still alight and ready to hurt you again... it is not as easy as keeping your paws away from the flames when they can erupt at a moment's notice." A paw dragged across the earth as if it were made of stone, bringing itself closer to the opposite appendage.
His lashing tail stilled to a level point behind him and for the first time, he couldn't keep the stoicism in his voice. "I know I'm fueling it... I can feel it suffocating me every time I try to stop and scalding me if I don't. Either way, it is telling me that I am still weak." 'And now... so are you.' What did he have to do to prove he was not the rogue he was moons ago? How much more did he need to bleed? Whisker-to-whisker, Silversmoke's eyes were forced onto the other's, the hurt within them like piercing daggers sinking into his spine. Time fractured and refused to repair itself until the Lead Warrior looked away: he never did. This was Silversmoke's penance, his mistake to fix even as Auburnflame told him he did not have to work alone. How can you be so strong, if you can't forgive?. He flinched as if wounded, grimacing in uneasy defiance of the calico's viewpoint. Clan cats lived in a world of ideals, this was one that seemed to be an impossibility to attain. "Forgiveness isn't a weakness, but I don't see it as a strength either. It is merely a choice, one that everyone makes sound so easy... even Blazestar. 'No one died, why don't you just learn to get along?' or 'It doesn't matter, he's a SkyClanner now'. I'd ask them how quickly they'd forgive the killers of their loved ones if I was a crueler cat. To me, defeat is just as bad as that death." With no loved ones to possibly grieve, he had learned to avenge himself and himself alone. Auburnflame's existence challenged the idea that he had no love to give.
In his stifled state, he almost forgot his anger, that damned near permanent shield that never wanted to be put down. They wanted him to be better as a warrior and as... 'a friend', he'd thought the calico would say. The hesitation left him in limbo, knowing this would be the worst time for a confession but... still certain it was what he wanted. A simple friend wouldn't go out of their way to make such an intervention. Then, with timing as perfect as a midday meal, Auburnflame continued, and Silversmoke had to repeat the phrase to make sure he'd heard it right. "As an individual..." Ah. Perhaps he had misread Auburnflame's attitude at the sunning rocks, after all, Silversmoke was no more loved than anyone else. 'You stupid, kind-hearted soul', he almost wanted to say to the other for leading him on, but the tabby knew the blame lay with himself for misjudging the intentions of another cat. It didn't make hearing, 'I'd never leave you', any easier though, he'd have sworn his whole body had melted if not for his gaze already fixated upon his own paw, proving their continued existence. Auburnflame's words were easy to say but difficult to keep. There was no telling when a stray illness or unlucky Twoleg trap would take away his cherished friend, but he supposed that was what made it all the more imperative to set things right now.
He paused for longer than he ever wanted to, perhaps giving off the impression he was brooding, but Silversmoke's head felt emptier than ever with how many thoughts were bouncing around. It was near-impossible to make sense of what was real and fake, what was authentic and what was self-defence. His heated ears fell flatly to the back of his skull, his gaze averted to anywhere but Auburnflame's own minty hues. "I don't want this to be the third time I lose something important to me. I don't know if I can grant forgiveness to someone who does not want it but... for that important thing, I will try." Maybe he was talking about himself, his own claws allegedly threatening to tear at his own neck according to Auburnflame. Maybe he was talking about SkyClan, his home he promised to love and adore until his last breath. Silversmoke knew what he actually meant, bereft as he was to keep secrets from him, Auburnflame was still that important thing. His smile shined brighter than any sun he'd ever seen, his laughter was more wholesome than any bird's song. Auburn's joy for life was a greater motivator than revenge could ever be - he made a mental note to remind himself of it the next time he was forced to share a space with Slate.
'Nothing is worth losing you for'. He almost cringed when that was the sole thought that shone through the fog. It was sappier than honey and twice as sweet, not even his other friends had had such things thought about them. Remembering Ashenclaw's disappearance fueled the silver tabby to take a step forwards, leaning his head down so he could try and catch Auburnflame's attention after the other found it hard to keep eye contact as well. Silversmoke took a deep breath, feeling as if this entire conversation had led to this point. No more digging holes, no more justifying himself, it was clear what needed to be done. Vocalisation had never been the solemn cat's strong suit, but apologising had to be the hardest thing he'd ever done until now. "Auburnflame, I am sorry for disregarding your words. It was selfish of me to promise something and go back on that just because I was angry." That was a thorn successfully ripped out, even now, it felt so.... cheap. Words made things right for Auburnflame but Silver didn't know if they did for him. Actions always spoke louder than them, all he could do to prove his worth was not fight or threaten Slate ever again and, more importantly, keep his promise to both Auburnflame and clan alike.
"And I'm sorry for causing you so much stress. We've lived very different lives-" It was a guess. He didn't know how anyone like Auburnflame could've been a street rogue, scrapping to survive and screwing over whoever one needed to. If the calico had come from such a toxic place, then he wore a greater mask than Silversmoke had ever given him credit for. "- and I should've considered your point of view before jumping to my own conclusions. I won't ask you to forgive me or trust me again after that, I just ask that you give me time to work on... I don't know, not wanting to hurt him. As I said, it's not easy. I can't put a number on how long it'll take, could be a day, could be twelve moons. I just hope you'll be there the day I can say I am strong enough.... friend."
