MAN, AM I THE GREATEST &. falcongaze

[DROWSYNOSE]

STILL DON'T KNOW MY NAME​

---

drowsynose was only partially there for the meeting. he didn't want to be there but he was, in the background. seeing cherryblossom become deputy was the most surprising thing of all. he doesn't speak ill of anyone but this... this wasn't a good decision. cherryblossom had as much experience as the rest of them but she gets some sort of pass, because she's... orangestar's daughter. it's not okay, he thinks. it's dangerous, and it didn't seem like was fair. there was just no way she was ready for that type of responsibility! there's... he doesn't wanna think about it anymore. he's not angry, no never. he's worried. he's scared. what if something happened to orangestar and she had to be leader so soon? he... doesn't wanna think about that. cherryblossom and drowsynose weren't the closest but he still remembers them growing up together. it's... he turns his focus.

falcongaze seemed more upset than most. reasonably so given how there was some sort of competition between the two, but he didn't like that. and before lupinesong could, he scrambled to his paws to follow after falcongaze. he's just going to comfort his friend. that's it. it's just comforting his friend. you're such a liar, drowsynose, and you know it.

"f-falcongaze! hey, w-wait up!"

he slows down, gently nudging against him with a look of worry etched on his face. but that couldn't have been news. he always looked like that, but especially for him.

"hey. y-you wanna share tongues and t-talk about it?"

he pauses for a moment before speaking up before falcongaze can deny that he's upset.

"i pay attention t-to you. you're u-upset. but you sh-shouldnt have to... stay like that. so, uhm, let's talk, okay? away from everyone."

// @falcongaze
​

 

[falcongaze]

-ˋˏ ༻❁༺ ˎˊ- Falcongaze was... boiling, perhaps. The way he felt his skin crawling was as if a hundred mites had found a home in his flesh, and he wanted nothing more then to scrub his skin from inside out. Breathing was a bit more then heavy when he turned to slip away, his ears flattened and vision unfocused. He wasn't sure if he wanted comfort or not- the truth of the matter was that he was going to suffer either way with Orangestar's new deputy.

His ears twitched, vision shifting swiftly to that to see who followed him. His mouth opened to tell Lupinesong to shove off- but a pause as he sighted Drowsynose instead. He blinked softly, slowing his step. He opened his mouth again, but the darker-pelted was nudging against him. Confusion drowned out that of anger as Drowsynose grew close to him. Blue eyes shifted to study that of the other's, searching for a moment. A soft breath left him, and when he was about to turn away, Drowsynose's next sentence sent him into a near-stun.

Pay attention to me? A sharp breath followed, and he cleared his throat. There was a lot to unpack there- Drowsynose thought of him, then? Large ears twitched as he spoke again. "I- yes. Please." He exhaled. He didn't know how to best express this issue but.. something was better then nothing. He fell into step with the other warrior, heading towards a secluded area just at the edge of camp, in the shade. Falcongaze wasn't as easily hidden, but Drowsynose likely blended into the shadows just find.

Falcongaze turned his vision towards Drowsynose, and when he spoke, his voice was quiet. "I should've controlled myself better." He managed, vision turning back away a moment later. "Should've never let.. her achievement bother me so."

‎‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎┌── ILL SEE YOU WHEN ⋅❁⋅ THE WRATH COMES AROUND ──┐‎

• "speech"
  

• 

• FALCONPAW 🌧 he/him, apprentice of skyclan, thirteen moons.
  ⭃ LH chocolate lynx point with deep blue eyes, and a long scar on his left cheek down under his jawline. pushes his 'hair' back. very long legged, half oriental moggie.
  ⭃ mentored by greeneyes / / mentoring no one
  ⭃ padding after lupinepaw / / brother to spottedpaw and sagepaw
  ⭃ peaceful and healing powerplay permitted / / underline and tag when attacking
  ⭃ penned by dallas ↛ dallasofnines on discord, feel free to dm for plots.
  

​

 

[DROWSYNOSE]

STILL DON'T KNOW MY NAME​

---

emotions were very complex, it seems. he doesn't know what to say or how to say how he feels but drowsynose can sit with him until he does. his paws shuffle and he finds himself tilting his head as his fully listens before he settles down into a laying position, beginning to clean his own fur. he doesn't wanna push falcongaze into sharing tongues so much, even if he feels that maybe it would help him with all this turmoil.

"i don't think... w-well I just mean that, uhm, you're not wrong to be upset. she's the same age as us... and... somehow now she's in charge... of us. it would make sense, i-i guess if she was older. if we all were older. but she's been a warrior j-just as long as we have. and i... it's terrifying for me, sure. but you can be u-upset. who's to say you... shouldn't be?"

maybe he was upset because he wanted to be deputy. the thought scares drowsynose more than anything. he doesn't want falcongaze to carry that weight of responsibility. it's not that he thinks he couldn't. stars above, if anyone could it's definitely falcongaze. but he fears it because that just makes it easier to lose him, doesn't it? his stomach twists at the thought and he hates that. it seems wrong. lupinesong should feel this way towards him but he feels that she feels that way more towards cherryblossom. that was wrong, too.

"you're allowed t-to be emotional. if not out there then at l..least here with me? I don't like seeing you upset, sure, but I don't th-think you should pretend not to be if you are. it's... not healthy? or something like that..."

he tries to tell himself it just because they're friends but his heart always was louder than his head when it comes to stuff like this. he simply stares at the other for a while, tail swishing behind him before he pulls his gaze away, coughing to make up for the fact that he was indeed staring.

"I love you too much to let you go through something alone... ah! as a friend! i love you as a friend loves another friend and friends don't let friends stay upset, right? th-thats it!"

gutwrenchingly painful to say. just friends. just friends. he wants to rip his own throat out. he wants to gut himself and leave himself to bleed out and die. that's how it feels. that's how it feels to love and not be loved. yearning for something he can never truly have. something that's not his, even if he somehow has some sense that he should have it. that he deserves it. does he deserve it? no. falcongaze deserved the best. someone to love him as much as they could. someone who could protect him from himself. drowsynose can wish all he wants, but he doesn't ever think he'd be that.
​

 

[falcongaze]

-ˋˏ ༻❁༺ ˎˊ- Drowsynose settles next to him, and he's comfortable with that- Falcongaze knew that he wasn't out to get Falcongaze, as much as he was convinced that others might. A soft breath loosened from his mouth at the revelation of it. It sounded silly in his head, and probably sillier out loud. Cherryblossom wasn't out to get him, was she? He inhaled softly, murmuring a response to the fellow warrior. "It's not that... she's any older or younger then us. She's... well. This is stupid-" A pause, ragged inhale as he settled down into a laying position as well.

"She's a kithood bully- to me, anyways. And she's... she went on the Journey, right? That's a lifetime of experience but... she's young. There are other warriors just as experienced with more battles under their claw." Falcongaze explained quietly. His tail twitched, vision shifting to that of the darker-pelted. His mouth parted gently in soft surprise- allowed to feel his emotions, here? He had kept those guarded, closely. He didn't even let his former mentor see them in his roughest times. Nearly dying from that sickness hadn't set them free, ether.

It was perhaps at the same time they realized they were staring at each other- softer blues widened in surprise, his vision shifting away. A soft breath inhaled, maybe he was going to say something, spit out a truth or a denial or another issue, but Drowsynose spoke first. Surprise sparked, just as much as it had when Drowsynose had been forward about brushing pelts before. Heart thudded against his chest, rammed like a badger trying to escape it's den. He inhaled sharply again, and when he spoke, his words weren't accusing but.. they were curious.

"Drow... tell me. Straight- please. Don't..." His eyebrows drew together. Falcongaze had been named for his intelligence- his perceptivity. Drowsynose's quick cover up wasn't enough to convince him it wasn't just that, was it? "Look at me. What is it?" He questioned. Falcongaze didn't think he could go another moon without hearing this truth.

‎‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎┌── ILL SEE YOU WHEN ⋅❁⋅ THE WRATH COMES AROUND ──┐‎

• "speech"
  

• 

• FALCONPAW 🌧 he/him, apprentice of skyclan, thirteen moons.
  ⭃ LH chocolate lynx point with deep blue eyes, and a long scar on his left cheek down under his jawline. pushes his 'hair' back. very long legged, half oriental moggie.
  ⭃ mentored by greeneyes / / mentoring no one
  ⭃ padding after lupinepaw / / brother to spottedpaw and sagepaw
  ⭃ peaceful and healing powerplay permitted / / underline and tag when attacking
  ⭃ penned by dallas ↛ dallasofnines on discord, feel free to dm for plots.
  

​

 

[DROWSYNOSE]

STILL DON'T KNOW MY NAME​

---

he... isn't good enough at covering it up. it doesn't help that falcongaze is perceptive and that drowsynose is just a terrible liar. he couldn't lie, even now when he tries to. it's not a harmful lie– not to falcongaze at least– so it's a little jarring when he wants to truth. he wants the truth, and he wants it now. he even says please and drowsynose cannot deny him if he tried. his gaze shrinks beneath the others, and his heart hammers so loudly in his chest, he can hear it in his ears. his blood is rushing through his veins and he... is terrified. this was what he wanted anyways, right? a time to be selfish. to tell the truth, no matter what it cost him. lupinesong would be okay... wouldn't she? why does he feel so guilty, and he's not even truly said a thing? he liked him first. it sounds so foolish to say but...

"i-i... it's..."

he hasn't even realized he started crying. he does so much of it nowadays its like a second nature, and he pushes up to a sitting position. he won't stop shaking, he can't stop shaking or the feeling of nauseous pouring over him like rain within a raging storm. he doesn't know how to say this. it's easier when its a slip of the tongue but it's so much harder when there is so much more behind it. he sniffles, and even hiccups, as he roughly rubs his eyes.

"i... i l...like you. a lot. love you, even. a-and I have for so long that its k-kinda mousebrained!"

he doesn't wanna look at him anymore. doesn't want to be met with the look of disgust he's convinced himself would be there.

"i... told her that, you know? th-that I really liked you. and i-i begged her n-not to tell you or a-anyone for that matter. g-guess it was easy for her n-not to because you... and her are... i-i'm s-sorry... i'm s...sorry..."

he sobs. he doesn't feel any better having told him. it's not a weight off his shoulders, or anything. it's painful. because friends cannot love friends like this. and brothers cannot possible love their sisters' boyfriends. so why did he?
​

 

[falcongaze]

-ˋˏ ༻❁༺ ˎˊ- Panic lit in Falcongaze's eyes as Drowsynose turns his head away- when tears form in the eyes that Falcongaze had learned to study. Falcongaze knew before Drowsynose even said it- the truth about their situation, knowing deep in his soul exactly what was going to be said. How could he have been so blind to it? Panic was overridden by confusion next, half-listening to a stumbled beginning of an explanation. His emotions churned, and suddenly, there was too much to think about. Focus, Falcon- Focus!

He inhaled sharply, head tilting as he looked onto Drowsynose. The other is sitting up, rubbing his eyes, and the admittance is in the air like the fog after rain. It covers and distorts, almost flips Falcongaze's whole world upside down. He slowly pushed to his paws, vision cast upon the ground. He was calculating, unsure on how best to handle this. Disgust never once touched his face- fear, panic, unsureness, totally thrown out into new territory here- yes, all of those. He supposes it was almost akin to how Lupinesong might have felt seeing Cherryblossom and Edenberry together the first time- but that was different, wasn't it?

That was crestfallen- this was confused. Things slowly pieced together, and his head shook. He managed to speak croaked words, his vision unfocused. "Don't... you don't need to apologize." Falcongaze managed. He pushed to his paws, sight still on the ground, ears pushed backwards. He didn't know what he was feeling- but knowing that he wasn't immediately rejecting the thought, just trying to navigate this minefield was telling enough. "That wasn't fair of her. Knowing that you... and still..."

Falcongaze shook his head, turning to lift his eyes and meet Drowsynose's vision directly if he was given the opportunity. "Please. I need... time to think about this. I'll.. I won't forget. You know I won't- I just... there's a lot going on and I need to think. Can you wait?" His question is hopeful, afraid, small. He doesn't know if Drowsynose will wait for him, or his answer. But this is all he can do right now, given the state of camp, the deaths, Cherryblossom's promotion. He has to think about this.

‎‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎┌── ILL SEE YOU WHEN ⋅❁⋅ THE WRATH COMES AROUND ──┐‎

• "speech"
  

• 

• FALCONPAW 🌧 he/him, apprentice of skyclan, thirteen moons.
  ⭃ LH chocolate lynx point with deep blue eyes, and a long scar on his left cheek down under his jawline. pushes his 'hair' back. very long legged, half oriental moggie.
  ⭃ mentored by greeneyes / / mentoring no one
  ⭃ padding after lupinepaw / / brother to spottedpaw and sagepaw
  ⭃ peaceful and healing powerplay permitted / / underline and tag when attacking
  ⭃ penned by dallas ↛ dallasofnines on discord, feel free to dm for plots.
  

​

 

[DROWSYNOSE]

STILL DON'T KNOW MY NAME​

---

there is so much worry and anxiety he swears he's going to throw up. he will. it's only a matter of time. but falcongaze has always been better at controlling all his feelings than drowsynose. or at least hiding them. drowsynose has never been a good liar. and falcongaze doesn't realize that drowsynose would do anything he asks of him in a heartbeat– just so he can live in some fantasy world in which he pretended that falcongaze loves him, and not lupinesong. he wipes his face again, laughing quietly.

"i... do need to apologize. its t-too much for you to deal with. I didn't even– I wasn't going t-to tell you at all. but then I s-saw... and i... it was an accident. i-im sorry."

he stands up to his paws, rubbing the throbbing scar over his eye. his brows furrowed for a moment before he shrugged.

"it is fair. and i-i'm not mad at her. she's always been m-more couragous than me. it's only right she got to... doesn't matter. sh-she deserves to be happy and I don't ever wanna g-get in the way of that."

its the least he can do, he thinks. he cannot protect his sister like a brother should. he's too weak. if anything, she would come to his rescue which didn't seem right. but what could one expect? he's weak. he always has been and probably always would be. he can defend himself moderately, but he doesn't know if he'd ever defend others. maybe that's why it's so easy for him to give up his own happiness for everyone else.

"don't... uhm, rush yourself. take the time you need. friends wait for friends, right? even if you say you don't... I will always be here for you, f-falcongaze. it's what fr-friends do."

he doesn't admit that he'd always wait for him. it doesn't matter how broken inside he feels. how torn apart. how stupid. he will always wait for him. he loves him and that's never going to change, will it? even if falcongaze never loves him back. he can deal with it. he never will cross any lines. so long as falcongaze was in his life, drowsynose can learn to be okay.

"i have a patrol to go on anyways. g-get some rest, okay? okay. see you around."

//aaaaand out !
​