private MAYBE IN ANOTHER LIFE ✧ heavy snow, lilacstem

[POLLENFUR]

tw: super brief and vague suicidal ideation

She has not left her kits since their birth, but now they sleep separate from the mother who’d borne them, now kept warm in Hyacinthbreath’s paws. Pollenfur’s trek from the Horseplace is laborious; she walks slowly, as though she’s in a horrid dream she cannot claw her way out of. Each step is sticky and delayed. She keeps thinking of the promise she’d made to her family—Rose, to remind me why I stay.

What does it say, then, that StarClan had taken that reason from her? StarClan or whoever roamed the burnished sky above her—why had they taken her daughter, why had they taken Rose from her a second time?

Pollenfur’s eyes are glazed with pain. She sees little of the moorland before her.

At this moment, she almost wishes a WindClan patrol would find her here, would batter her with claw and fang—but she still has two living kits, and she won’t for long, not unless she finds Heavy Snow, Lilacstem, somebody.

If one of them appears, she would not waste her breath with greetings. “I had my kits,” she says, “and I lost one… I will lose the others, soon. My milk does not come.”

✧ INFO.

• @HEAVY SNOW @Lilacstem
• 
  — pollen . pollenfur
  — she/her ; loner ; windclan warrior
  — pansexual ; taken by Hyacinthbreath
  — long-haired chocolate calico with amber eyes
  — “speech”, thoughts, attack
  — penned by Marquette
  — pixel by Birdman

​

 

[Lilacstem]

Since the news had come that both of her sisters were expecting, Lilacstem had been keen to do more and more patrols. At least with Brightshine in camp, Lilacstem knew where she was and could check in when she liked. Pollenfur was harder to follow, and being pregnant and out there alone, Lilacstem worried about where every single day. She didn't really know Hyacinthbreath too well, but she trusted the cat enough to know she would keep her sister safe.

Lilacstem sometimes found herself wandering close to the horseplace on the off chance of seeing her sister. She didn't actually know if Pollenfur rested there for certain but knew that a few former WindClan cats took refuge there.

Lilacstem was wandering when the familiar scent of Pollenfur hit her nose. Immediately she brightened, eager to see her sister, and looked around for her. When she did the joy faded slightly upon seeing her sister and how worn she looked. And then Pollenfur revealed what had happened and Lilacstem's heart broke. "Oh, Pollen, I'm so sorry," Lilacstem mewed, bowing her head sadly. "I'm not sure what I can do for you. I don't know how to help with your milk either...Bright's came so easily when she had Echo and Mallow. Have you been eating alright? M-maybe I could catch you something?"​

 

[HEAVY SNOW]

When he had seen Lilacstem leave camp that day, he had padded after her and asked if he could join her. out of everyone in WindClan it is still his found family that he trusts the most, that he wants to be around. Besides they had the same goal in mind, food for Brightshine. By some unspoken agreement, they find themselves on the border to horse place. Like the warrior next to him, he finds himself gazing out into the distance looking for a familiar gray or calico pelt. Any news would be welcome, as he knew that Pollenfur was expecting her kits soon. He understands it is not always possible, but still he cannot help but worry.

When they lay eyes on Pollenfur wandering so deep in WindClan's territory he feels at first a trill of happiness followed immediately by alarm. Whatever had possessed her to do something so dangerous and foolish must be worth it. He had never known the queen to be mentally lacking, after all. He dares not call out her name, sound travels over such an open space and if a patrol heard it would not be good. It turned out though that greetings would not be exchanged, for as they approached Pollenfur would immediately tell them what had brought her so far from the safety of the border.

"I apologize as well, your loss must not have been easy for you" He himself is no stranger to death, but never had he lost a child of his own. He cannot imagine the pain nor does he want to. Still, he bows his head to her in a respectful acknowledgement of her grief. Lilacstem asks if there is anything they can do, Heavy Snow himself is not certain what there is that even could be done so he just looks from she-cat to she-cat, waiting for the loners reply. "We will help in any way we can" he reassures.
​

 

[POLLENFUR]

Heavy Snow’s fluffy white silhouette and her sister’s pale tortoiseshell coloring would normally have brought her joy, but there is none left to offer them today. She watches them in tearful silence, listening to their condolences with a half-cocked ear. She has to look away momentarily, as if to hide her pain. “Thank you.” She cannot tell them how little it means to her—they’d never lost a child before, and stars forbid they ever learn the anguish she and Hyacinthbreath are forced to suffer now.

Lilacstem seems hesitant, unsure. Pollenfur’s eyes sharpen. “Prey will not bring my Rose back,” she snaps, but her voice and body lose its rigidity after only a heartbeat. “I—no. Hyacinthbreath has brought me more than enough prey… it’s plentiful at the Horseplace.” Her ears droop. “My body was not meant to bear these kits, it seems… they will die,” she repeats.

And then she regards Heavy Snow for a moment. “How is Brightshine? She’s kitting any day now, isn’t she?” The tortoiseshell pauses. What she is about to ask is harebrained—for many reasons. She understands this as she understands all things in her small life. Her mate and she are traitors to WindClan, to Sootstar’s cause, and if word were to get out that Brightshine had reared traitors’ kits… she shudders to think of what could happen. And—how could she offer this without consulting her mate, knowing these children would be lost to them forever?

Pollenfur bites back a keen of despair. If I do not do this, they will die. If I do, they are lost to me, but—but they may live happy lives, or at least fulfilling ones. She sobs, her tears spilling onto her cheeks again. “Please. Brightshine could feed two more, surely. I can’t… I can’t condemn the two kits I have left to die hungry and scared.” As the tears stream, her heart breaks behind the fluff on her chest, pounding away with accusations of failure, failure! Murderer!

She listens to it, loses herself to the rhythmic cries.

✧ INFO.

•  
• 
  — pollen . pollenfur
  — she/her ; loner ; windclan warrior
  — pansexual ; taken by Hyacinthbreath
  — long-haired chocolate calico with amber eyes
  — “speech”, thoughts, attack
  — penned by Marquette
  — pixel by Birdman

​

 

[Lilacstem]

Lilacstem's ears flatten when Pollenfur snaps back at her. She's certain Pollenfur doesn't mean it deep down but it still makes her withdraw back a little bit. For what it was worth, Lilacstem would let her vent all her frustrations at her if she needed. Grief was a powerful emotion after all.

Lilacstem looks at her sister with a sorrowful look when she speaks of her body not being able to support the kits. For a moment she considers assuring her it isn't true, but decides against it for now, not wanting to get another tongue lashing. "Any day now," Lilacstem confirms with a nod when Pollenfur asks their sister. "I'm surprised she hasn't had them already actually." And then Pollenfur makes a surprising request - she asks if Brightshine would take her kits to raise along her own. It's a large request, and certainly not without risk, but Lilacstem was certain their warmhearted sister would agree. "I'm sure Bright would but...what do you think?" She asked, glancing at Heavy Snow.​

 

[HEAVY SNOW]

A deep sense of melancholy grips his as he regards Pollenfur. To have such a revelation surely could be no easy thing and he does not wish such a feeling on even his worst enemies. He has never lost a child- true - but he remembers his sister and how she never seemed to be able to get enough milk, enough food, how she was skin and bones and how she had slowly withered away into nothingness. It is what had spurned his parents into leaving the mountains. A better life for their other kits, a place that was easier and held more bountiful prey. A land that was meant to be more forgiving.

What Lilacstem said was true. Any day now his mate would give birth to their kits, he would be a father and she would once again be a mother. He nods his head in agreement to the warriors words. It pained him to be apart from her for so long with the knowledge that the kits could be born at any moment. He did not want to miss such an occasion, after all.

His ears flick in surprise at Pollenfurs request but he does not hesitate even once "Of course she will- of course we will" he says, not a trace of doubt in his voice. Brightshine would agree too, he knows it, but he would still ask regardless. She would do anything for her family though, same as him. "They will be in good paws don't worry" he adds, his voice quiet, sympathetic. It could not be easy to ask such a thing.
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