private MERCY HAS A PRICE // thundergleam

[STORMYWING]

// @THUNDERGLEAM a teeny bit retro!!

Stormywing's breath comes in ragged gasps, her chest heaving as she stumbles away from the camp, paws hitting the earth in a frantic, uneven rhythm. She doesn't know where she's going - she just needs to be away, away from the dens, away from the eyes that might see the trembling in her limbs, away from the whispers in her mind that won't stop screaming. Her vision blurs as she pushes past the undergrowth, twigs snapping beneath her weight. The world feels too small, too tight around her. She can't breathe. StarClan, I can't breathe!

She collapses near the edge of the Sandy Hollow, her claws digging into the dirt as sobs tear their way out of her throat. What has become of her, the once mighty and fearless and awesome warrior, now choking on the weight of her grief just like that day at the river with Thundergleam - but this time, it's not just grief. It's shame, too. Deep, searing, unbearable shame.

Stormywing?

She doesn’t need to look to know who stands there. She’d know that serene, angelic, worried voice anywhere. Stars, and she’s always there right when she needs her, isn’t she?

"I almost killed him," She chokes out, her voice raw and broken. She buries her face into her paws, as if she can hide from the reality of what she'd nearly done. "I…I almost-" Her body shakes violently, and she lets out another sob, louder this time, desperate and filled with anguish. "What's wrong with me? What's wrong with me?!"

She presses her deeper claws into the earth to ground her. But it doesn't help. Nothing helps. Her mind is still spiraling, trapped in that den, in that moment where her claws had been so close to Wrathpaw. She can still feel the satisfaction that had curled in her gut, the thrill of knowing she could end it right then and there. It sickens her, makes her want to tear her own fur out. What if Gentlestorm hadn’t been there to stop her? What if… "I'm not like that," She whimpers, her voice barely above a whisper. "I'm not like them. I'm not…I'm not a killer." But the image of that apprentice’s still form, the way she had wanted to see the life drain from him, it clings to her mind like a curse. She had wanted it. And that's what terrifies her the most.

She lifts her head, blinking through the tears that blur her vision, and stares at the ivory she-cat before her. And then she looks up at the sky. The stars glitter overhead, distant and cold, like they're watching her. Judging her. Do they know what she almost did? Do they see her as a monster now? She’s already a code-breaker to them…is she a villain now, too? Her chest heaves with another sob, her voice breaking. "I'm sorry," She cries, though she's not even sure who she's apologizing to. Pebblestep? StarClan? Herself? It all feels the same, a tangled mess of guilt and regret that she can't escape.

"I didn't mean it," She rasps, now to Thundergleam, her body folding into itself as she trembles. "I didn't mean to-" But the words catch in her throat. She can't lie to herself anymore. She did mean it. In that moment, with Wrathpaw in front of her, she had wanted to end him. Wanted it so badly she could taste it. "I'm no better than him," The tabby whispers, the realization crashing over her like a wave, threatening to pull her under. "I'm no better…"

She feels like she's drowning, and she has no idea how to pull herself back to the surface.
​

 

[THUNDERGLEAM]

Of course, of course she had followed her out here - why would she dare do any different? It had been impossible to miss ... the rolling of her body like an advancing storm, thundering away from everything. Oh, but she would not let her tumble into the distance - to rumble like thunder, rain to fall from her golden eyes and empty her clean. Without help she would sink beneath riptide and never be seen again. No, no, it would not happen- healing paws, gauze-coloured, calloused against destiny's path ... they would reach out, and...

"Stormywing?" Teary eyes lifted to find concerned pink- and she was breathless, her noble friend. She staggered on her words, and made barely a lick of sense. Almost killed him, she said, as if - as if killing was the worst thing anyone could do, and her teeth knitted together uncomfortably tight. Wraith-drifting, she took a step forth ... blinked in a fluttering movement. Desperately, she tried to claw and grasp at the gaps between Stormywing's words. Her friend's eyes looked past her, stared at the Truth that hung suspended above them... pleaded for forgiveness, as though those stars would reject her for justice ...

Though she supposed, this burdensome destiny did not lie on the shoulders of Stormywing, did it? Perhaps the Stars would, then, gaze upon her coldly. But Thundergleam would judge them for it- casting away a cat who trembled so, who convulsed in the claustrophibic constrictions of her pain. Oh, would that she could force Stormywing's head above the water that she was so visibly sinking beneath, the final bubbles of her breath visible in the embittering air.

"Stormywing," she said again, but it was no question this time. Another step was taken to close the distance between them- Thundergleam did not crouch, but loomed over the top of her instead, a white cloud in a violent, ashen storm. "You must listen," and her voice was almost desperate, though she kept it pristine of tears, kept perfectly smooth. "You are better than a cat like him, he who has no honour ... you must rise to meet me, please. To your paws, please... I cannot let you drown, there. You are strong, brave, honourable - I want you here, with me." I want you walking this earth. Her heart hammered to the point of nausea. She could not think of what she must do if Stormywing did not stand.​

penned by pin ☾​

 

[STORMYWING]

Stormywing's body remains pressed against the ground, her fur damp with tears as Thundergleam's words wash over her, but they don't soothe the ache deep in her chest. "Honorable?” She laughs, an empty, tear-soaked sound. Oh, how wrong she is. How wrong everyone is about her. She’s messed up one too many times. She’s made a unfixable mistake that has drowned her since the moment she made it. “You don't understand," She whispers hoarsely, voice cracking under the weight of everything she's been holding in for so long. "I've been lying…lying to you, lying to the clan."

She lifts her head slightly, looking up at Thundergleam, the one cat she trusts most in her life. It hurts to meet her rosy eyes, knowing that the truth might break whatever bond they have. Is it so fragile? But she can't keep it inside any longer. "I had a mate...in RiverClan." The words tumble out, a confession she's kept locked away for too many moons. "Iciclefang. She was...we were together, and no one knew. No one could know." Her face contorts with grief, with pain. “Try to understand, I didn’t mean to. I didn’t want to betray ThunderClan. But when we were together on the journey to the mountains…I fell in love, Thundergleam.” It’s a waterfall now, like a dam broke and she can’t plug it up. In a way, it is so relieving to finally tell someone, even as shame singes her ears.

The tabby’s voice falters, but she forces herself to continue. "We had kits. Pinepaw…Cragpaw…Crabpaw…they’re all mine." Her breath comes in sharp, shallow gasps now, panic rising again as her secret settles between them. "I gave her up...to stay loyal to ThunderClan, I didn’t follow her, follow them, so no one would ever find out. So they could have a normal life there, with Iciclefang. But I can't...I can't even look at them without..." She chokes on her own words, eyes squeezing shut as fresh tears spill down her face. "I abandoned them. My own kits."

The admission feels like a knife in her heart, and she can barely catch her breath through the sobs. "I thought I could handle it. I thought I could pretend everything was fine, that I could just go on with my life. But now...now I'm breaking. And I can't-“

She looks at Thundergleam again, her gaze desperate. Her paws scramble forward to grasp at her own, pleading. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." Surely, she will hate her now. Thundergleam, who lives and breathes the Warrior Code, StarClan’s word, clan loyalty…surely she must think Stormywing is the most disgusting cat in existence. First code-breaking, and now near-murder. I once had honor. I just don’t know what happened to it.
​

 

[THUNDERGLEAM]

Stormywing stayed down, batting her words away- Thundergleam's body turned cold, nerves glimmering like the stars. She felt cadaverous in that moment, looking down at her friend with horrified pity. She would not rise, sobbing instead- mirthless laughter, croaking words. No, no- let her be silent, to not recount any pain in her heart- oh, for once she could not hear it! Her head shook, movement inchworm-miniscule. Not a word of it, she would not hear a mote more -

The ambience of the forest died. Everything felt as cold as her heart, expired as those crushed beneath Skyclaw's tyrannical stomp. A RiverClan mate. It was the first Code Thundergleam had ever learned- moons and moons ago, when Father's gentle voice had taught it to her, she had once believed it to be the only one. Stormywing's brittle voice drove a spear through it, shattered it into bits- Thundergleam only stared, frost from her paws sprawling into the earth and rooting her there. A cat she had known as nothing but an ideal... pieces of her were scattered across the floor.

Stormywing was already broken, she realised then, and had been for moons. The conflict in her golden eyes - the hurried nature she had fled from the trees, it made sense now, mended connections in her heart and mind with tar. Acrid, an unloved realisation. Thundergleam's nausea did not fade, no - it worsened, even. For if it was not awful enough, if the world did not wish to saddle her with the heaviest and most agonising burden foremost, Stormywing shed her walls and revealed something unfixable huddled in her core.

Kits. Pinepaw, Cragpaw, Crabpaw. The names rang a bell - the calico, the three young apprentices following her, the way Stormywing had again rushed away. "The border..." she murmured without thinking, and could have struck herself for it. The sprint of her heartbeat was ceaseless, feverishly battering her throat.

A broken Code, and yet - loyalty persevering, ripping a part of oneself away to give the kits a normal life. Abandoned, Stormywing said - but what was the alternative? Pain would have pressed bruises into every inch of her either way. Abandonment lay at the zenith of every path. Heartache would have found any way to take hold. This was unsolvable, a heart shattered that could not be salvaged. This is what I have been waiting for.

And yet, Thundergleam still did not move an inch. Phantom of judgement, she loomed over her friend still - her eyes flashed with something unrecognisable. Her heartbeat was the most violent thing in her being, thudding and thrashing with such tantrum that she feared it may burst out of her chest. It may be less woeful, that way- that Stormywing's organs would not be alone, in their spill across the ground.

It would be easy, she told herself. A quick death. There would be no fighting back, not in this state- Stormywing reached for her paws, placed her own there, snow meeting snow. To unsheathe her claws, flip her over, rend- there would not even be time for a scream. A tear dripped from rosy eyes and splashed upon one of Stormywing's toes- only when she saw it did Thundergleam realise she, too, was crying. She took in a juddering breath, looked away from Stormywing and gazed up at Silverpelt. Argent fire, it burned her to look at- she begged, silently, for any other way.

In constellation-ribbons, she remembered.

She remembered the weeping figure in her dream- when she had raised her claws, its sole wailing had risen into a thousand deafening voices, had screeched in her ears as fierce as a wolf's howl. She remembered, worried they might drown for all that they cried, drinking the tears, and how silver they tasted. She remembered the smile it had given her when she had drawn away... the glow in her heart upon waking.

Death would not be liberation. It would be robbery, it would be infliction- and StarClan had shown her clearly that they trusted her judgement, that she could live her Truth.

Still did tears starlight her eyes as she looked back down at Stormywing, snail-trails from snowy lashes shining pale in the moonlight. No more could she ask Stormywing to rise, so Thundergleam bowed instead. She would be at her side, aid in shouldering the burden. She pulled the other molly into an embrace, gentle and, for a few long moments, silent.

"My dear friend," she murmured, speaking the words into her fur. Silverpelt watched over them, and the Truth blazed through every syllable, a white flame. "Oh, Stormywing. You- you hurt so much." Yes, she regretted that her tears might selfishly soak her friend's pelt, but she could not help them. "It is not the same, but I am here. I am here." And as she said it, she pressed her weight more against Stormywing, wordless reassurance of her own words.

She did not say: the Stars forgive you, even though she knew it to be true. She did not say: I forgive you, for it would be useless to repeat something so evident in her actions. She said, instead: "Thank you for telling me."​

penned by pin ☾​

 

[STORMYWING]

Stormywing stays frozen in place as Thundergleam wraps herself around her, the warmth of her friend's body beginning to heat the cold, gnawing guilt that festers inside of her. For a moment, she can't breathe - her chest feels tight, her heart like it's being squeezed by invisible claws. The expectation of rejection, the fear that the she-cat would push her away, still looms in her mind. But instead…she holds her closer. Thundergleam is holding her. And she thanks her for telling her.

Her acceptance, her forgiveness, hits her like a wave, and she sags into the embrace, her head lowering to rest against her friend's shoulder. The tears come harder now, but they feel different this time - less like the sharp sting of shame and more like the release of a burden she'd been carrying alone for too long. She's still shaking, but Thundergleam's quiet words, her gentle presence, anchors her.

"I don't deserve this," She cries softly, voice raw and unsteady. "I don't deserve you." Her claws dig into the earth beneath her, as if grounding herself in the reality that Thundergleam is still here, even after everything she told her. She had thought that telling her would destroy everything. That it would break her friend’s trust in her. Stormywing's gaze flickers upward, finding the ghostly warrior’s tear-streaked face. The sight of her confidante crying because of her only deepens the ache in her chest. “Don’t cry,” She pleads, brows knitting together. A paw reaches up, brushing away a starlit drop.

More silence settles between them, gold locked with pink, before she breaks it. "I don't know how to make any of this right," She admits, whispering. She closes her eyes, breathing deeply, trying to steady her shaking frame. For the first time, she allows herself to lean fully into Thundergleam's support, hoping against hope that, somehow, she can find her way back from the edge. After a long, silent pause, she finally breathes, “Thank you.” Her shaking stills, and she is left drawing in deep breaths, regaining her composure as her muzzle buries itself into a snowy shoulder.
​

 

[THUNDERGLEAM]

Quiet spanned only for a few moments, before Stormywing's repentance began to leak into the air once again. Still, she insisted herself unfixable - spoke how underseving she was, swayed against her weight. Not an inch did Thundergleam jostle- her duty was only to be here, to listen. To weep with glinting empathy, to listen, to keep their heads both above the water. Don't cry, she murmured- reached a paw out, even in the depths of her despair. And would someone beyond help ever part the shadows like that? Would someone as good as dead find a glow in their heart to comfort another, even whilst being comforted themselves?

Thundergleam smiled fleetingly, leaned slightly into the touch. Thus, the tears were easier to dispell- in a couple of blinks, her gaze could contain the spilling spangles. If Stormywing did not want her to cry, she would not - if it would do anything to harm her, she would not. It was all she told herself over and over, a perpetual mantra, but the tears would not cease their fall.

That moments ago, she may have rendered this touch cold - upon Father's instruction, she might never have heard those wonderful words, Stormywing's whispering thank you- it could have killed her, the poisoned feeling in her stomach. As she looked into gilded eyes, she felt the hardening grasp of guilt. A crawling miasma she had never once felt before.

Thank you, though- she focused on those words, closing her eyes against the sigh, the honeyed noise. Stormywing's muzzle met her shoulder, and Thundergleam leaned her cheek against her. To make it right, there was no concrete answer. "You have so much time, Stormywing..." she murmured, voice gossamer. "And you have given so much, already. There is always a way forward." A deep sigh, again, shuddered through her.

There is no need to thank me. By the will of the Stars, do not thank me. She could not hear it, as sweet and fulfilling as the gratitude felt. Stormywing would never thank her for the thoughts that had rattled through her skull, a so-called abandoned destiny imprisoned within claws that would never unsheathe against her. Never, never- and Father would know, in time. "Let us stay here, a while. I will not stand until you do."​

penned by pin ☾​

 

[STORMYWING]

Stormywing lets her words sink in, each one filling her with warmth, like she’s basking in the sun that is Thundergleam. She doesn’t want to move. Doesn’t want to leave this moment, where her burdens feel just a little lighter and her heart, even if just for a tiny bit, isn’t suffocating under the weight of her guilt. Thundergleam seems to have that effect on cats, doesn’t she?

But still, doubt gnaws at her. The idea of time...of having time to fix things, to make things right…it feels out of reach. For how can she make this right? It is done. Her kits are apprentices in RiverClan and they have no idea who she is. Her breath hitches as she presses her forehead more firmly against the she-cat’s shoulder, seeking some sense of steadiness. Her friend is the only thing keeping her grounded right now. She says there’s time, but what does she do with that time? What if, no matter how hard she tries, it’s not enough? Stars, where is her confidence? She feels like a shell of the cat she usually is. But she doesn’t speak any of these thoughts aloud, like if she speaks, this moment will shatter like ice…and she just wants to hold onto Thundergleam for a little longer. Breathe in her star-touched scent. Feel the softness of her fur. Be here alone with her. Right now, she is her lifeline, a small mercy in the world.

She leans back just enough to meet the albino’s gaze again, searching her floral eyes for answers she doesn’t think she can find within herself. She swallows hard, blinking away the remnants of her own tears. "I'm scared," The blue tabby admits, her whispering voice rough from crying. It wasn’t something she liked to ever say - fear is something she fights against, something she always tried to push through. But right now, it feels okay to let that fear slip out.

Her breath shudders as she slowly brings her head back to the crook of the other warrior’s neck, her paws tucking against her chest like she’s settling in more comfortably. "Yeah…let’s stay here...just for a little bit longer." She doesn’t think she’s ready to face the world outside of this clearing, outside of Thundergleam, just yet. Come morning, she will be. Just not yet.
​