sensitive topics my depression it makes me question // confessions

[Periwinklebreeze.]

❀​❀ OH HOME, LET ME COME HOME ❀❀​

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periwinklebreeze & 14 moons & demi-boy & he/they & windclan moor runner ​

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When night falls, peri finds himself restless, shifting nervously as he watches the others settle down. They'd done it at last - found the lungwort they'd come here for in the first place. They'd - they'd be going home at last. It almost feels to easy - not that it actually was of course, but - they were all still here, alive and well. It's a relief, really. And yet, somehow it still hurts - still feels like too little, to late. He'd joined this expedition simply because he'd thought himself expendable - visions of blood on his paws driving him onwards. What was his life, compared to the others? He just didn't want anyone else to feel the pain he had. It's not until today that he stops to wonder why it is then, that the rest of the group had come. A few days ago, maybe he'd have simply laid there in silence, kept his thoughts to himself - but now, he finds he cares.

"You know... it almost f-feels like a d-dream," he says, speaking softly. Tail flicks slowly as he pauses, eyes on the delicately woven daisies he cherishes so much. "I... left someone b-behind. P-promised I'd m-make it b-back... I d-didn't think I r-really would though," it's a heavy topic - but Periwinklebreeze has always been a cynic - he'd seen to much bloodshed, too much death. This world is cruel - starclan included.

"My b-best friend g-g-g-got yellowcough - they d-died before starclan even s-sent the visions," Was snailstride in starclan right now, listening in? Watching over them? The thoughts not as comforting as he'd like. It only leaves him feeling hollow and empty, the familiar feeling of apathy seeping in before he can stop it. "I only c-came because... I d-didn't want anyone else to g-g-go through that- that pain," not even sootstar herself - even his loathing for weaselclaw paling in comparison to his empathy.

"I h-hope they're alright, b-back home," head turns at last, tired blue eyes meeting green as he shifts nervously, ears pulling back as he tucks his tail tighter around his paws. "... why d-did you volunteer?" he asks quietly, though he's not even sure if they did - had the others chosen to come along, been given a choice, or had their leaders simply forced them to? Though surely, if even the moorland queen had asked, the other four would have too. They can't have been so cruel.

— home is wherever I'm with you ❀

• Actions && "Speech," && ' Thoughts/Quotes '
  
  ooc: directly interacting with @GREENEYES but no need to wait
  tw/cw: mentions and musings of death and loss
  
• 
  — a lithe figured black and white tom with a false-pointed pattern and clear blue eyes that gleam periwinkle in the right lighting. he seems perpetually worn and exhausted, with heavy bags beneath his eyes and a slouched posture. he has a speech impediment which leaves him with a stutter and sometimes even completely non-verbal, and his fluffy tail is adorned with carefully woven daisies.
  
  — physically medium && mentally easy && pacifist
  — non-violent powerplay allowed && healing powerplay allowed && minor injury powerplay allowed
  — please attack using [b][color=#ccccff]action here[/color][/b] and tag account

 

[iciclefang]

◇────────────【☆】★【☆】────────────◇​

XXXXXShe’s too restless for sleep, thinking of many things. Of the father and littermate she’s left at home, curled into sick beds and praying for Fernpaw and her to return safely. Of the apprentice she has not gotten to train. Of a field of lungwort, of their cottony stalks drying the moisture from the roof of her mouth.

XXXXXOf moonlight silvering gray tabby fur, of golden eyes so molten-hot she feels scorched by their heat, of a tail twining with hers in complete darkness—

XXXXXThat thought jolts her out of her reverie. Sleep is gone for sure, now, for she must ignore the burning in her belly and the flush under her tortoiseshell fur. Her ears flick forward as she begins to groom herself—one of the cats is talking. She recognizes Periwinklebreeze’s halting voice, and she turns to face him. He sits with Greeneyes of SkyClan, the two of them engaged in quite the serious conversation. She leans forward, eavesdropping without a shred of guilt. The WindClanner speaks of a cat he’d left behind, and briefly, she thinks of Ashpaw. Was the ginger she-cat worried for her return, or was she simply glad Iciclefang was gone, and the memories between them could be left to wither and die?

XXXXXShe tries to picture Ashpaw’s face now, and she finds she can’t. A childish orange face with guileless green eyes shifts, morphs, until she’s looking at Stormywing, broad and strong and scarred. Iciclefang shakes her head, clearing her thoughts just in time to hear Periwinklebreeze’s confession. A best friend, lost to yellowcough. “I’m sorry,” she says, blinking. She hadn’t lost anyone, and she’s fortunate, from the sounds of it. RiverClan had seen Flutterpaw die, had seen several cats sicken, but her kin is hopefully safe from joining StarClan’s ranks now that the lungwort had been secured. "The cat you left behind will be happy to see you, I'm sure." She blinks in Periwinklebreeze's direction.

XXXXX“I came to find lungwort for my father and sister. They’ve both got yellowcough,” she says, her eyes flicking guiltily to white-tipped paws. “But I also came because…” She lifts her snow-blue gaze, searching the nearby cats for a familiar orange pelt. She shifts uncomfortably. “…I didn’t want Fernpaw to go alone.” It’s close enough to the harsh truth she’d spit in his face several quarter-moons ago.

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[GENTLESTORM]

✦ He recalls when Howlingstar having called for a meeting for cats that would volunteer for the journey to the mountains, he had been in good health and had offered himself along with the rest of his clanmates. He had made up his mind, he had not done it for anything other than bringing back the cure to his clanmates that had caught yellowcough and that itself was a noble cause itself. He just hopes that nobody else had succumbed to death back at home, the thought itself making his insides twist in the slightest and he frowns at the thought only to feel a bit of guilt as well for eavesdropping but it seems like he isn't the only one to do so either. Iciclefang had shared her own reasons for coming onto the journey and he draws in a low breath with head tilting slightly to the side, he's glad that he had come with the group of Thunderclanners that had volunteered themselves alongside him. He admired them all and knew that they would progress easily through each hurtle that Starclan provided them.

Of course, with the help of the other clans and Hailstorm is grateful for that alone. He does not regret coming to find lungwort and unbeknownst to him just as Iciclefang had found someone that she's growing rather infuated with. He had found that with Little Wolf and he's glad that he has. He loves her more than the air he breathes, the moon that hung over their heads at night, and all the flora and foliage reminded him of her... How excited she got over them and pointed them out to him. Her forest kissed eyes and the crinkle her eyes did whenever she would smile at him. The thought of her making his heart flutter in his chest before he finally finds his voice to speak to those nearby "I volunteered to find lungwort, a few clanmates already growing ill and a few dying." His limbs coming to rest underneath him, he had no kin back home but he was loyal through and through to Thunderclan "I couldn't sit around and do nothing... I didn't want to someone else die from yellowcough," His gaze darkening in the slightest and a soft ache in his chest.

* ˚✦ YOU FOUND ME HERE; UNDERGROUND

• 
  ✦ 48 moons old
  ✦ thunderclan warrior
  ✦ bisexual demiromantic; mates with little wolf
  ✦ "speech", thoughts, attacking
  ✦ semi-difficult in combat; relies on strength and his burly build
  ✦ peaceful powerplay allowed
  ✦ penned by bosstaurus

​

 

[Mosspool]

As she settled down for the night, Mosspaw was eager to begin the journey home. It would be long and difficult she knew, but if they could make it all the way here they could make it back too. She was sure of it. Finding the lungwort they had sought for so long had renewed her confidence, and it made her feel foolish and a little ashamed that she had lost it. The stars would have never lead her astray, she should have known that.

However, she soon found that her eagerness kept her awake

Periwinklebreeze's words reached her, and she glanced toward him. Her sympathy for the sentiment compelled her to speak. "I promised my mothers I would return home safely." It felt strange to tell a Windclanner about such a precious moment, but they had both made the same promise. It felt strange to not at least mention it. "During the rockslide, I feared the stars would make a liar of me." She admitted.

Mosspaw listened as Periwinklebreeze, Iciclefang, and Hailstorm all said why they had volenteered. Their stories were remarkably similar to each other and to her own. Each and every one of them had someone sick close to them. Though her ear flicked when her fellow Riverclanner admitted she had come to protect Fernpaw, and she glanced at her curiously. She would have thought that Iciclefang had more faith in her brother. "I came because of my mentor, Aspenhaze." She stated simply. It was the same reason as the rest of them, but there was more to it than that. "After they got sick, I prayed every night for Starclan to save them. Then, the stars told our leaders to organize this journey. It was an answer to my prayers. I was being called. I could not refuse." A small smile of pride graced her expression. It was the first time she had admitted her full reason for coming along to anyone since telling Fernpaw.​

 

[GREENEYES]

Greeneyes is no stranger to restless nights, but where nightmares persist is replaced with anticipation and homesickness tonight. Now that they’ve found what they’ve been marching toward, they’ll soon make their descent down the mountain, soon return back to the forest. He’ll be among the pine trees before long - he’ll get to see Fireflypaw again, get to train Falconpaw again. And Violetnose and Butterflytuft, he’ll get to see them too.

But he can’t help but to feel a twinge of sadness at the thought of the journey’s end. What comes of all of them, when the mountains can no longer tie them together? When he can no longer speak to River, to Shadow, to Thunder and Wind?

He feels the urge to move again, to find a distraction, something to ease his mind into slumber, if he can. Somehow, he finds himself settled beside Periwinklebreeze, another restless form in the night, listening to the moor-dweller as he speaks.

“It does,” he agrees with a nod of his head. To have made it this far, to have found lungwort - Greeneyes had started to fear they would never find it, that it simply didn’t exist in the mountain range they wandered. “I can’t believe we’ve made it this far.”

And with everything that had happened, too. Ginger ears twitch at the tom’s words. He didn’t think he’d make it out alive, and Greeneyes can’t help but wonder if he thought the same, somewhere, deep down. A deadly curse, left to die out far from home. The image leaves his stomach twisting, but he aims to keep focus on stammering words, an explanation for Periwinklebreeze’s decision to join the journey.

And it sounds too familiar, the smoky tom’s reasoning. Someone lost, someone to mourn. Greeneyes ears flatten as he looks to the WindClanner, as green meets blue. “I’m sorry,” he tells him, “I hope… I hope your friend is doing okay in StarClan.” They’re watching over you, he almost says, but such a statement has been used too many times on Greeneyes now - he doesn’t want to hear it in his own voice too.

He thinks for a moment, as his company asks of his own reason for volunteering, snow-capped paws shifting beneath him.

Another voice breaks into their discussion before he can answer, startling Greeneyes. He looks up with a jolt, green meeting another shade of blue. Iciclefang stands beside them now, and shares her own reasoning - short and to the point, family bound to sickness. His heart sinks, and he thinks of his siblings back home again, thinks of his own family already walking among the stars - Iciclefang shouldn’t have to go through that too. No one should.

She’s come because of Fernpaw too, she adds on, and Greeneyes finds himself nodding his head at the tortoiseshell.

“I don’t know if I would have gone, if Figfeather didn’t volunteer first,” he admits. Had he volunteered without her, would he have stayed home at Butterflytuft’s mention - turned back at Fireflypaw’s pleading? He isn’t sure.

Hailstorm comes to settle beside them, and soon after Mosspaw - both sharing their own reasons as well. The ThunderClan warrior didn’t want anyone else to die, and Greeneyes assumes that to be a common reason among all of them. Mosspaw’s reasoning, however, leaves the tom thinking over the river apprentice’s words. She was called forward by the stars, she claims.

"Really?" he slowly asks with the tilt of his head. Greeneyes doesn't know how that could be, doesn't know if that was even the truth of the matter. Maybe that meant the stars had called upon all of them, then. He can't be for certain, though.

“My mentor, Sheepcurl - she was among the first to get sick,” he finally says, his gaze lifting up to look up at the stars, “She… The twolegs had taken her, back when they’d been setting all the traps out. I didn’t think I’d ever see her again, but then she returned later than most, and then… then Yellowcough got her too.” His head sinks, his line of sight focused down at his paws.

“I have an apprentice now. Sometimes I feel so lost with him, but then I think about how Sheepcurl trained me, and I try to be like her - she was the best, I just hope I’ll be good enough for him, too,” he says quietly, “I worry for him, that I’ll lose him too. And my sisters, all of them too.”

“And... and my best friend, he’s our medicine apprentice - I hope he’s doing okay too. It must be difficult, trying to keep everyone safe back home, being around sickness all the time. I just hope…” His words trail off as he thinks of Fireflypaw, of pointed fur and their goodbye - one he still mulls over, still wonders why the healer had sought confirmation of their friendship before Greeneyes had to leave.

“I just don’t want to lose anyone else. I — We’ve already lost enough,” he admits, looking back to Periwinklebreeze as he realizes he’s been rambling - an openness with outsiders that he truly didn’t expect to have. “I just hope everyone’s okay.”

✦ ABOUT

• 
  

  
  
  GREENKIT ‣ GREENPAW ‣ GREENEYES, Warrior of SkyClan
  — Daisyflight x Raven Ramble
  — AMAB; He/Him
  — A red tabby and white tom with bright green eyes.
  — Mentored by Sheepcurl; Currently mentoring Falconpaw
  — "Speech"; Attack
  
  ✦･ﾟ: * — Among SkyClan's first born, Greeneyes is a bright tom with an affinity for the world around him. Despite always seeking to be kind to others, the warrior believes he's cursed - a belief brought on by rhetoric that green is a deadly color.

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[iciclefang]

◇────────────【☆】★【☆】────────────◇​

XXXXXHailstorm comes to join them, the big ThunderClanner stating he’d felt he could not stand around and do nothing. Iciclefang regards him with pale eyes for a moment, disagreement sitting on her tongue. She would have been perfectly content to serve RiverClan in their home, defending their borders and training Cicadapaw, and though she’s happy she’s one of the few Cicadastar had trusted to send on this trip, she still thinks bitterly about what she’s left behind.

XXXXXMosspaw earns an odd look from the tortoiseshell warrior, as she does from the SkyClanner Greeneyes. Called by the stars? “Do you believe it was just you called by the stars, or do you believe StarClan had a plan for all of us?” Her voice holds no derision, only sharp curiosity. The apprentice is devout, moreso than she, and perhaps she really had been willed to lift her voice by their warrior ancestors themselves. Who could say, truly.

XXXXXShe flicks her gaze from her Clanmate to Greeneyes, sorrow clouding her vision. His mentor, once she recognizes the name of—Sheepcurl, a former lead warrior—had died from yellowcough. “I’m sorry,” she says, shaking her head. “I would be lost if my mentor had died.” And truly, she would be—Smokethroat had taught her everything she knows, and she still does her best to make him proud, even leagues away from the wetlands. “You had to leave your apprentice, too, huh? I just got my first right before we had to leave for Fourtrees…” She sighs. “Cicadapaw. Luckily, Cicadastar himself has taken over his training until I return, but I wanted to make a good first impression immediately.”

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