MY REFLECTION, DIRTY MIRROR 𖦹 applepaw

[ASHENFALL]

˚⊹₊‧ 𖦹 Ashenpaw was all fucked up in the head, this he was well enough aware of. Ever since Halfshade left them, weak with a sickness Starlingheart refused to treat and bled to death by her own offspring, everything inside of him was cold and gooey and agonizing. He felt like a toad turned inside out, and he could only guess he was about as unsightly as one as well, his guts hanging out for everyone to ogle at in disgust. But, who was he kidding? He'd always been like this. Ashenkit had been a needy, colicky baby who found something to melt down over even on his best days of infancy. Losing the ground beneath his paws in the form of a parent only exacerbated his brittleness, and turned him into a poltergeist of a boy that skulked sullenly along the periphery of the clan, only visible in the form of smashed plates and slammed doors.

He wondered how Applepaw felt about all of it. He wondered if everyone looked at her with that unbearably pitying gleam in their eyes and if it made her fur burn and smolder the way it did his. How did she go on existing? Or did she even care that much? Knowing his sister, her skull was probably too thick for any real emotion to reach inside her. She was free to do her droll little patrols and spend her day clumsily chasing after prey without a thought in her head, while he was tasked with carrying the burdens for the both of them. Of course. He should have expected as much. Even still, he couldn't help but miss her, as muddy as his feelings were regarding her. He was not idiotic enough to expect any conversation with the girl to be in any way pleasant, but this was a comfort in itself. He knew her, and she knew him. At least, they knew each other better than most of their shallow, thought-less clanmates would.

"Sissy, help me eat this frog I just caught," Ashenpaw approaches with his catch, only meaning to show off a little bit. He sits beside her before she can reject him, nibbling on his bit regardless of whether she accepts or not. For a minute this is all he does, seemingly content with just existing beside her. But soon enough, the cold thing inside him squirms and needles at his stomach. It was too much, she probably thought he was being pathetic, and he was. "You wanna know something sad?" he blurts with a glint in his pale eyes. He waits for a beat too long, giving her the chance to fret about what could possibly be coming out of his mouth next.

"It's too bad you can never become clan leader... You know, because your name is too stupid," he said this with a mock sigh, as if it were a real tragedy, and then smirked, "'Applestar' sounds ridiculous, like objectively. No one would take Shadowclan seriously, I fear..."

FOLLOW THE TIDE ˚⊹₊‧ 𖦹 WITH THE MONSTERS ON YOUR SHOULDER

• OOC: @APPLEPAW
• 
• 
  — ashenkit . ashenpaw
  — trans male. he/him. 6mo apprentice of shadowclan
  — gay ; single ; not looking
  — longhaired muted blue torbie with heterochromatic pale blue and amber eyes
  — smells like rainsoaked ferns and swamp milkweed
  — “speech”, thoughts, attack
  — fullbody by tropics
  — penned by eezy
  — currently in an era of grief and anger, approach with caution. all ic opinions!

​

​

 

[APPLEJAW]

They haven't talked much since their mother's death.

Applepaw's opinion of Ashenpaw has always been the same. Stagnant; even if their lives were far from it. In the same way that Garlicpaw would always be her muddy, frog - brained sister, and Swanpaw was her air - headed, snoozy brother, Ashenpaw was... a disaster, and she would always know him as one.

And despite that, where someone to ask Applepaw who her favorite sibling was, she might tell you it was him. Annoying, emotional, attention - seeking, annoying Ashenpaw. Perhaps it was that he was so clearly a disaster that Applepaw saw no reason to feel threatened by him. Perhaps it was that he was so consistantly an idiot that Applepaw no longer expects anything different anymore. Disappointment feels better when it's consistant.

At the call of his voice, Applepaw does not raise her head, because she knows that he'll do whatever he wants, anyways. She's hungry, anyways. She might've thanked him, if both of them were in a better mood. It's only a matter of time, and then... There.

Were it anyone else, Applepaw might've said they've had enough bad news for a moon and then some. But it's Ashenpaw, so it won't matter. Only to fill the awkward pause does she eventually ask, " ...What? "

It's too bad you can never become clan leader... You know, because your name is too stupid.

" Has anyone ever told you, you run your mouth for too long and for no good reason? When are you gonna start working on that, huh? " It pushes more buttons than it should've. Maybe because just the other day had she pondered what she would've done with the excess of cats in ShadowClan's territory. That is, to fend for themselves. She bites from her part of frog, and her brother isn't deserving of the courtesy to not talk with a full mouth. " Because you are who I look to for objective assessment... You talk as if anyone takes ShadowClan seriously as - is. "

And really— this is unimportant. A petty sibling squabble is much easier to stomach than anything else they would have to talk about, after all.

( one track mind, one track heart ) ༊ ( if i fail i'll fall apart )

• 
  
  

• 

• ( CAUSE I FEEL LIKE I'M THE WORST, SO I ALWAYS ACT LIKE I'M THE BEST ) APPLEPAW. apprentice of shadowclan. eldest sister to swanpaw, ashenpaw, and garlicpaw. ( + birdkit, halfkit & tanglekit )
  —— she / her; confused by the use of others.
  —— currently 7 moons old as of 10.22.23. ages every 17th.
  
  longhaired blue torbie with a white chest, paws, and underbelly. A young cat you would describe as " bossy, " Applekit is quick to take charge of any situation she sees herself as the probable head of. A rule - follower to a T, and thinks herself better than the majority of her clan for this. Not ignorant enough to think herself above a warrior, but seeks to gain that status as quickly as possible. Intensely self - motivated to be the best in a mixture of blind, childish desire, and never wanting to be afraid of anything ever again.

​

 

[ASHENFALL]

˚⊹₊‧ 𖦹 "Oh plenty do, don't you worry, Applepaw" Ashenpaw nods solemnly, smiling indulgently at his sister's bewilderment at his big mouth. This, he enjoyed. It was easy to fall into the comfortable tit-for-tat sniping with his sister, in the same way she enjoyed the consistency of his disappointingness, he enjoyed being able to depend on her haughtiness. Though, he would not say that she was his favorite sibling.

He loved her just fine, and wanted to be loved in reciprocity by her, but if pressed, he would say that his favorite sibling was Garlicpaw. Affectionate, muddy-pawed, warm-hearted Garlicpaw, it was unfair how much of his own rat-shit she was able to take upon the chin, sweet-tempered despite everything. He envied it more than anything, and it made worms wriggle around in his stomach to be around her sometimes, but he couldn't bring himself to hate her. Applepaw, however, pissed him off frequently. That was okay, though, because he did the same to her.

"Honestly... if Starclan knew what was good for them, they should've took me out with yellowcough instead, just to shut me up for good. Don't you agree?" The joke tastes bitter on his tongue even as he smirks during its delivery and he regrets making it the moment it touches the air. As much as he'd like to act like it didn't hurt him anymore, as much as he wanted to show off just how easy it was for him to show off his okay-ness with everything, he squirmed beneath it. Screwing his face up for a second, he then sniffed and brushed it off, "...Kidding." He pushed what was left of the frog they shared back toward her, no longer feeling hungry.

"Anyways, don't bite the messenger! I'm just saying what everyone thinks, it's been the talk of the marshes, you know. Applestar would be a stupid name, that's just a matter of public opinion." He was lying through his teeth, of course, but it was all in good fun.

"Stars, you definitely spend too much time with Granitepelt, you're starting to sound just like him. Tell me, oh wise sister, how you suggest Shadowclan could build its reputation up to your standards...?" He bet she would say something stupid like "killing everyone and taking all the territories for just Shadowclan" or something akin to the ridiculous play-politics of Kitclan.

FOLLOW THE TIDE ˚⊹₊‧ 𖦹 WITH THE MONSTERS ON YOUR SHOULDER

• OOC:
• 
• 
  — ashenkit . ashenpaw
  — ftm transmasc. he/him. 8mo apprentice of shadowclan
  — longhaired muted blue torbie with heterochromatic pale blue and amber eyes
  — smells like rainsoaked ferns and swamp milkweed
  — “speech”, thoughts, attack
  — fullbody by tropics sticker by saturnid
  — penned by eezy
  — currently in an era of grief and anger, approach with caution. all ic opinions!

​

​

 

[APPLEJAW]

The roll of her eyes is all he'd be met with in return. Of course someone who needed to be told such a thing to begin with wouldn't care to fix this very aspect of themselves. In truth, were he to ever change, Applepaw would be beside herself with worry. The day that Applepaw says to shut it, and he actually did, would be a worrying day, indeed. " You're a poor listener, " the comment comes without venom; matter - of - fact sort of thing.

Honestly... if Starclan knew what was good for them, they should've took me out with yellowcough instead, just to shut me up for good. Don't you agree?

Comfortable conversation shredded by teeth and claws. Applepaw's shoulders go taut. It would be a lie, to say she hasn't thought of others falling to yellowcough over halfshade. If she had survived, but Swanpaw had not. If Garlicpaw or Ashenpaw had fallen ill, just to preserve that life of hers. Would Applepaw have been relieved? Would she have been happy?

The truth is that she wouldn't have been, but that does not stop her from thinking about it. Her bile feels strange in her own mouth. Too thick, choking her. Her expression is one of unfettered distaste. " I do not, " she tells him, after too long. Just for him to say ...kidding. Applepaw too, has lost her appetite. The frog would be left to sit.

Anyways, don't bite the messenger! I'm just saying what everyone thinks, it's been the talk of the marshes, you know. She knows it's a lie. Her mood is further soured. Stars, you definitely spend too much time with Granitepelt. bristling along her spine. " If we stopped having lunatics as leaders, maybe. I certainly hope you had no plans of becoming one."

( one track mind, one track heart ) ༊ ( if i fail i'll fall apart )

• 
  
  

• 

• ( CAUSE I FEEL LIKE I'M THE WORST, SO I ALWAYS ACT LIKE I'M THE BEST ) APPLEPAW. apprentice of shadowclan. eldest sister to swanpaw, ashenpaw, and garlicpaw. ( + birdkit, halfkit & tanglekit )
  —— she / her; confused by the use of others.
  —— currently 8 moons old as of 11.17.23. ages every 17th.
  
  longhaired blue torbie with a white chest, paws, and underbelly. A young cat you would describe as " bossy, " Applekit is quick to take charge of any situation she sees herself as the probable head of. A rule - follower to a T, and thinks herself better than the majority of her clan for this. Not ignorant enough to think herself above a warrior, but seeks to gain that status as quickly as possible. Intensely self - motivated to be the best in a mixture of blind, childish desire, and never wanting to be afraid of anything ever again.

​