private Nor the bed that is haunted ✶ Edenberry

[Owlheart]

Parenthood isn't what Owlheart had expected, motherhood? She gets to call herself a mother right? This is once again uncharted territory to her, family units that she's used to seeing have one or two parents, since there's three of them she has no clarity on what title should be given to who. Oddgleam is the one nursing, so does that mean he has more claim to the title of mother if he wanted it over her? The idea of anything else churns her stomach, so she tries to not dwell on it, if there was issues over parental titles then they'd talk about it. The three of them could overcome it, they rarely have issues that boil for too long, that's what she loved about her mates, their honesty. So deep within the trenches of her concerns it's easy for her to spiral in thought, jumping from should I use a different title to Brightkit's louder than the others... Does that mean that there's something wrong with her or the others?

Too caught up in these concerns she barely hears Edenberry, even though she was the one who requested that the pair walk throughout the territory together. There was a promise of hunting but she had truly just wanted to spend time with her friend. "I'm sorry, can you repeat that?" Her face flushes in the warmth that only embarrassment can bring. With a flick of her tail she brings her gaze to the tree tops ahead, trying to find any of the birds that her kits had been named for. It's strange, how quickly motivations can change, things that she would do for herself or her mates have twisted into things she would do for their kits. Rather than food or cosmetics for herself she thinks about how exciting it would be to bring home a cuckoo feather or raven feather for their kits to see when they're able to open their eyes.

There she goes again, this time able to anchor her thoughts before she's carried too far away. "It's weird having something so tiny depending on you" she confesses with a laugh, they depend on her and Crowsight in a different way to Oddgleam. Their paws in their safety, care and health are different to her pale mate, an important role all the same though. She had to admit there was some fatigue, not from anyone's fault but her own. Keeping herself up at night in concern that something was going to go wrong in the middle of the night. "I didn't think they'd be so loud- well, Brightkit anyways" she doesn't mean anything by it. A harmless comment about a funny little quirk she's picked up on and didn't plan for.

// @edenberry ?!
​

 

[edenberry ?!]

"I've been thinking about trying to climb Tallpine again now that I'm feeling like things are back to normal," they ramble with a bright grin, scouring the shifting trunks for the familiar needled tree. They haven't wandered far enough into the shifting branches to see the towering thing as Owlheart seems to shake herself from her own thoughts. "Can you repeat that?" Already they grow nervous, a fluttering in their stomach saying that this feels all too familiar. Like a mirror stands at their side instead of another cat. How long had it been since they came back, dazed and swallowing back misery in every conversation? They must be three moons now... right? I wonder if they kept their blues eyes...

The thought startles even them, giving a small pause in their steps as if they'd been struck before hurrying to match Owlheart's stride again. "Oh I was just... talking about Tallpine," they explain with a gentle sigh. They don't mean to go irritated by her excitement as they suddenly grow itchy with frustration. Stop...

She doesn't know the path she walks, lined with trip wires and traps both. And she waltz through it with dizzying wistfulness, dancing across everything she ought to avoid. "Something so tiny..." Their teeth grit painfully, trying not to openly grimace at her commentary. They remember it.... pale furs as light as the moon.... like tiny stars nestled at their belly. Spicepurr's grin so bright it rivaled the sun.... I'm so sorry. "R-right... it must be weird," their response lacks vigor, the cheery twang of normalcy.

Further she digs her teeth into their throat, mentioning how loud her children are. Her newborns that are so comfortable and happy and loved... Envy trails down their spine, making them tense. Why did it have to be her? Why did she get to have everything they wanted? Why didn't Raindrop stay? How could you ask me to leave? Their memory flitters by in agonizing shutter-speed snapshots. "Sounds exhausting," they answer thinly, already feeling the wear of sleepless insanity grating on their crackling heart. "Lucky for you to have so much help." They don't mean the way it seethes behind their teeth to be said...

⟡₊ ⊹ i ll betray you like a man

• 
• -- edenberry / skyclan daylight warrior / any pronouns / 17 moons
  -- mostly white with black pinstripe and green eyes / scarred face and back
  -- color #728c69

​

 

[Owlheart]

"Would you like to go to the Tallpine?" There's an attempt to piece together what Edenberry had said while she had zoned out. It was terribly impolite for her to do, there's a sense of scorn to their friend. What if there had been some big secret related to the Tallpine or a major aspiration, her feathery tail flicks in annoyance at herself for drifting in thoughts like that. Her paws shift in direction and she figures they can at least walk in that general direction, if Edenberry didn't want to go there then it would be easy enough for them correct the course that they're on.

Are they feeling sick again? She finds herself frowning in concern at the idea. The daylighter didn't need to be cheery all the time but it was noticeable when they weren't. There's a feeling of impending doom with it, she is drawn to thinking about the weird feeling in the air before a storm hits. That's what this feels, off, something marking a darker turn. Owlheart assumes that she's over thinking things, at least she hopes so. Why would their friend be upset about her talking about kits? Maybe I'm being annoying, a heartbeat is skipped at the idea. She has been becoming more chatty recently compared to her younger moons, maybe that's not a welcome change? Have I said the wrong thing?

She decides to correct herself, talking about the volume the kits have in comparison to their dependency on those around them. It's light-hearted, a tinge of humour that she hopes Edenberry would appreciate. That doesn't work either, the reply is dry, dancing on the edge of something sharp. "Kind of? Oddgleam's the one that's there the most so really I can't be that tired in comparison" she hopes there's nothing to the reply, just a one off. Edenberry's just tired, hopefully, not sick or anything.

"I mean- not really that much help, no more than anyone else" She's grateful that Butterflytuft and Lovage are at the nursery, surely Orangestar would be joining them shortly. So it does help to have more experienced queens guidance. Her tone is squeakier as she speaks, defensive and insecure. She's reminded of the dryer meows of her sister, it seems she's not having much luck trying to talk to others about her kits. Is it me? The doubt blossoms in her chest, creating a new sense of dread. "You visit the nursery a lot, right? Do you have any advice?" Maybe it's unfair to have a conversation that Edenberry can't really weigh in on. Maybe her friend is feeling excluded, so there's a reach for connection
​

 

[edenberry ?!]

"Uh.... Yeah, yeah, we can go now," as if it hadn't been what they hoped for, they stammer through an affirmation, nearly bumping into the long-furred sunbeam as she veers to redirect their path. The excuse to pay attention to something else is a glimmering ray of hope, a chance at a conversation that doesn't rip out pages of a tear-blotted diary and cast them under harsh light- it goes snuffed out as tabby thoughts whirl towards anxiety.

Or maybe it's just a bid for companionship, one they should've been able to give. They should've been willing to empathize with her, smile with her... laugh with her about the surprises that litter her daily life now. Cry with her when her kittens don't feel well. A sore part of them longs to be visible then, to shed the masked facade and confess whole-heartedly why it pains them so. Why there are barbs lining the door she keeps knocking upon.

But they don't. And further the splinter wedges between their ribs.

"You're just gonna leave him in there for the next six moons," they ask, a sense of dread twisting around their vocal cords- six more months of the claustrophobic confines of a den with more than double the amount of needy shadows to follow him around... It's dizzying to consider. The question is much more blunt than that would've liked, an accusation suggested though wholly unintended. It seems far more like a question of abandonment.

The wounds twist with every uncertain, harmless syllable, barely refraining from blatantly grimacing at her words. "It's not that much help," and they think to scoff as they find their teeth buried into their tongue to keep it from hissing. She has no idea what great fortune she finds in raising her children here... it's a lucky thing... and one that boils their blood in shades of unflattering green. Round, sunburst eyes scan their face in an appeal to hear their thoughts, their advice.... but what wisdom they can give is firmly locked away (the lock fractures at every mention... the belts grow loose with wear... threaten to snap).

Cherryblossom had said something similar. Pointed out the way they favored the nursery ever since they were young. If only now it didn't feel like walking through briars. "Sure, Butterflytuft is a friend," it is the smoothest explanation they can offer as the hair on their shoulders begs to stand on end, growing overwhelmed by the bottled frustration as it swells, "I've been in and out there since her and Howlfire's kittens were new but I'm not sure I'm really...." Their eyes widen in an attempt to keep them dry, to ignore the stinging welts that appear under their skin to say it, "Parent material..."

"I'd be a lousy mother."

Are.

⟡₊ ⊹ i ll betray you like a man

• 
• -- edenberry / skyclan daylight warrior / any pronouns / 17 moons
  -- mostly white with black pinstripe and green eyes / scarred face and back
  -- color #728c69

​

 

[Owlheart]

Owlheart likes to believe she can keep her moods tempered, she spends too long thinking about how to react to something to even form a genuine feeling half the time. Confusion and anger are exempt from that control she likes to hold over herself, for a brief moment she can feel both spark in her chest like twin flames. "You're just gonna leave him in there for the next six moons" it's accusatory, she's unsure if they truly mean for it to come across that way or not but it's how she interprets the question. "Why would you say that?" The hurt in her tone is evident, unable to hold a shake of syllables. Edenberry has never said anything like that before had they? She thought that her friend knew her better than to assume that she would just abandon someone like that, especially someone as close to her like one of her mates.

She presses forward in her walking, pace quickened to something brisker. If she's fast enough then maybe she can come to her senses, or slip back into a daydream and pretend that she wasn't upsetting her friend like this. "I wouldn't do that, I don't like that you think I would" there's a hard edge to her tone as she tries to clearly state how she feels despite the urge to just brush past it with other pleasantries. Honesty is important to her, so it seems hypocritical to expect it from those around her and be unable to give it in turn. "They're my kits too and... He's important to me, it would be cruel to all of them if I did that" she mumbles that to herself, as if trying to convince herself that Edenberry's wrong, worried that maybe they're seeing something in her that she can't quite see herself.

There's a tense silence in the air briefly, followed by the occasional crunch of twigs or dry leaves under paw. Usually wide and unassuming eyes are a skeptical squint as she keeps her gaze towards the tree line. Fearful that trying to catch a glance in an attempt to read them better would instead become a spark to a fuse between them, she didn't want that. They're important to her, even if in this moment she feels as if they'd clawed her flank. Maybe I'm just overreacting? She doesn't deny the thought, dwelling on it momentarily before Edenberry confesses that they don't think they'd be parent material.

Resolve to be upset is overtaken by that large pool of empathy that encompasses Owlheart. It's a concern that she holds herself, so she only bleeds in sympathy when it's revealed that they seem to think the same about themself. "Oh- Edenberry no" she shakes her head, as if that would be enough to erase doubts for them.

"I think you'd be a great mother. I've seen how the kits of the nursery are with you, I'm sure you'd take great care of your own kits." She doesn't feel like she should really hold any authority on the topic when she's only just learning what it takes to be a parent now. Still, she presses onwards in hopes that something she says may potentially bring some kind of revelation for them. "You're kind, you're crafty and you're very nurturing. I think any kits would be lucky to have you for a mother" she decides to look at them in that moment, beaming sincere joy towards them.
​

 

[edenberry ?!]

The sudden sharpness of her tone quickly sees the shutters of the windows snapped closed. They stare at her, pupils shrinking in alarm, stumbling through their own head to try to remember what they said; it had just been spat out thoughtlessly. How had they worded it? "Why would you say that?" They swallow nervously, attention flicking away abruptly to run from the consequences of their childish lashing where it paints their friend's face in shades of red, of hurt and fiery indignation. They don't think to answer immediately, running their tongue along their teeth while they consider their options... try to quench the leaping embers before they touch again and set fire.

She protests in wavering whisper, frustration keeping her voice clipped as she scolds them for their thinking. For even considering that reality. And why shouldn't I? I got left alone! Raindrop loved them.... right? Cherryblossom had to love them... didn't she? But neither of them were ever there when they needed it. What good did love do for anyone? "I'm sorry," they let out a huff, ears flattening shamefully, "I didn't mean it like that...."

Owlheart had only ever been soft... considerate.... thoughtful. Perhaps none of those were traits her sister had... thick-headed.... inattentive... petty. But she loves me, a tiny cry protests, She has to love me! Desperate, they shove the mewling further away, vying to enjoy the silence instead of the arguing in their head.

They regret whimpering about themself, forgetting to be careful with their vulnerability. Forgetting to keep their regrets to themself and not sharing it in coded suggestion. Their friend... their friend preens that they're better than that. They have talents to bonding to their youngers, would be a good parent, would be the gentle, kindly soul that she'd grown up with. It burns.... it stings... a brand on their tongue.... hot on the tender flesh of their belly... everything... Stop... they plead as she persists, "You'd take great care..." Their brows pinch together, Please don't...

"Any kits would be lucky...." "Owlheart," they croak, the only plea they can manage before she finishes her sentence, "To have you for a mother." The inside of their cheek feels tattered where their teeth had gnawed on it anxiously, trying to distract from the tension in their chest.

"Kit-sitting isn't the same as raising them..." they insist, voice growing hoarse, "I'm just good for playing with." They struggle to withhold a spitting addition, looking for someone to blame for their heartache. Who else is there to blame but themself? Spicepurr had the right of it.

⟡₊ ⊹ i ll betray you like a man

• 
• -- edenberry / skyclan daylight warrior / any pronouns / 17 moons
  -- mostly white with black pinstripe and green eyes / scarred face and back
  -- color #728c69

​

 

[Owlheart]

They didn't mean it like that, it brings a sigh out of her. Of course they didn't she's just overreacting and yet there's still that twang of pain that pokes at her chest. Her eyes sting, of course they didn't mean it like that. "What did you mean then?" She doesn't hesitate to poke and prod, there had to be some reason as to why they thought this to begin with. Believing with her whole heart that the issue had to be her, there's something she's done. Am I not as affectionate with them as I should be? Have I not visited the nursery enough? She does tend to spend more time there in the evening rather than during the day so its possible that Edenberry just missed the majority of the time that she's there.

She's desperate to cling on to that redemption, some kind of way to salvage the hurtful things that they said. The pinstripe said they didn't mean it like that, this has to be a misunderstanding then. She hopes to not be defensive, her own insecurities for her future path of motherhood blinding her from true perception. The croak catches her off guard, she's not one to leave a sentence unsaid despite protests. The tip of her tail twitches in uncertainty, faux brows knit together in confusion as she blinks slowly.

"Are you okay?" A question she has found to be common place to ask them, their dear friend Edenberry. Edenberry who smiles all the time, who's always there to ask about how she is or to make commentary on their goings on. Edenberry who gossips, not out of malice but out of mischief, Edenberry who had a joke for any occasion or the kind words where jokes couldn't cut it. That cat is different to the one standing in front of her, this is still her friend no doubt but something is different within them. It's uncanny, like something is wearing their skin, masquerading to be that same cat. It's something she's noticed, something no doubt everyone has noticed but the cracks in the visage seem raw today.

"Have I said something wrong?" A conversation of misunderstandings is not a conversation at all, she wants to understand them and for them for understand her in turn. The tangerine she-cat steps closer to them, nose twitching as her eyes glisten in a deep sadness. At this point she stopped walking, she hopes that Edenberry does too. Who said that to them? Surely it can't be a thought of their own . For a moment she thinks Cherryblossom might have, remembering how quick she was to admit that she couldn't see Crowsight as a father. Then she scolds herself for thinking of her sister in such a manner. "Did someone say that to you?" It's a quiet question, her voice wobbles at the thought.

"You don't know that, I really do think you'd be a great mother" her frown feels wrong, it's rare for her to scowl like this. A neutral expression sure, but nothing so deep running as a frown. It isn't the same as kit sitting, she understands that but she refuses to think of them in such a negative light. Wherever it be naitivity or intuition she just doesn't think that they'd be a lousy mother. If they'd be a lousy mother when they're so clever then what hope does she have? "You're smart Edenberry, you're not giving yourself enough credit."
​

 

[edenberry ?!]

Answering her question proves difficult because it mandates the exploration of their own feelings. Things on burnt pages, seared to forget. The prodding of tiny paws... the chase of those same short limbs thundering after them mewling for attention. Not a moment of peace... not unless Spicepaw came home and convinced them to nap with her instead... The way they stopped being able to tell where they ended and their kits began. The weird sense of... muted identity. "To be stuck like that... with so many kits. Five...? For so long.... I only-" Wires wrap tightly around their muzzle, firmly clamping it shut as truth begs for freedom. A pressure building and yearning for release. I only had two.

Just a little... Just one soul, a single one to lighten the load. To chill the burn of isolation. To be seen for the first time since they'd become warriors. They're content to just walk it off... to pretend this amounts to nothing but an off day. That they're just moody... they're coming down with a headache... Just like Dawnglare, a bad moment of snap judgement. That was all-

"Of course I'm okay," they answer too quickly, defensive rather than honest, "I'm Edenberry... I'm always okay." Is that the only part left of being them they could remember? The distinct force of a smile? The urge to be good... in whatever childish sense they'd imagined that being.

Their heart hammers wildly in their chest as the sound of crunching undergrowth stops besides them... and they make it a few paces before stopping too.... before glancing back at sorrowful eyes as she begs a chain of more questions they don't want to answer. And yet.... the door swings open, tauntingly.... a promised safe haven. They could just... crawl right in, like they do their window every evening... nestle up in their nest and feel the warm, familiar safety of home. All things they'd stolen from two wide-eyed fledglings.

"You don't know that-" Their flattened frown turns to a grimace, unable to catch the twitch of their lips before its made itself obvious, "I do know that," their stare wavers, glassy despite the way their jaw sets stubbornly. "Smart enough to... to be StarClan's favorite idiot maybe! If they're even up there... laughing at me. Two moons," they hunker smaller, crouching in on themself like the world threatens to collapse under their feet. I barely made it two moons with them...

They can't just say that. Too much, I've said too much, rings in panicked song in the space between their ears, Take it back! Make something up. Hide!

"I got to be a warrior for two moons," they mumble, glowering at a spot on the forest floor like it might turn to ash if they focus hard enough. "Just... Don't worry about it. I didn't mean it and you'll be great and I wish I was lucky enough to have what you have," they ramble, growing feverish with their own guilt that presses to escape with every exhale. "I'm just being.... greedy. Selfish maybe." Their little 'sickness' had set them back... and of course that meant distancing Cherryblossom too. Maybe they'd be talking about having their own kits soon, if they had been around... to foster that relationship, to nurture it like the orange tabby insists they're good at.

⟡₊ ⊹ i ll betray you like a man

• 
• -- edenberry / skyclan daylight warrior / any pronouns / 17 moons
  -- mostly white with black pinstripe and green eyes / scarred face and back
  -- color #728c69

​

 

[Owlheart]

"You're just... Being a concerned friend, I get it" she assumes that's where they were going with this, offering an out for them. They don't continue the thought so she has to assume that's what she meant, fighting back another sigh she decides with pinned ears that this wasn't going to fix either of their concerns. It's a start though, she's stubborn and doesn't want to give this up. They say that they're okay, she finds that it sounds more like they have to be okay rather than actually being fine. "You don't have to be" she finds herself saying, words blurting out before she has time to dwell on it for too long. "You can be Edenberry and not be okay you know" there's hope that the daylighter knows this already but from the way they spoke she felt that they didn't.

Her eyes return to that wide stare, blinking slowly in confusion at the grimace, watching carefully at the way their lips pull back. Owlheart has never been good at hiding how she feels, the concern for them washing away any remaining pain that they felt in recoil. StarClan's favourite idiot, there's an incline of her head as she tries to figure out what the mean by that. There's a mention of two moons, at first she doesn't really get it, was this some kind of joke or riddle? Maybe a Twolegplace thing but then again they haven't really been so cryptic until they got sick.

Which... Lasted two moons roughly, didn't it? That's also how long Oddgleam seemed to be sick for roughly, some kind of side effect from being pregnant but that doesn't make sense. Cherryblossom can't sire kits, nor had she ever head whispers in the wind of the pair ever discussing it. Edenberry looks the same as before too, a little tired sure but no great noticeable changes. Still, with the talk of two moons and how strange they seem to be over the talk of kits, it leaves a pit in her stomach.

They only got to be a warrior for two moons, that didn't really make much sense unless she was on to something here. There's a debate to not say anything and for a moment she doesn't. "I don't think you're being selfish, you're upset. Hurtful a little but not greedy" she's too kind, others may disagree with shrugging the blame from them but they don't see just how... weak Edenberry seems in this moment.

"Edenberry, with you being gone..." she debates mentioning a 'sickness' but holds back from it. "Did that have something to do with kits?" She thinks about rambling, asking if maybe their twolegs had brought some into the home. That's something they do sometimes, right? For once she bites her tongue in an attempt to not elaborate, wanting to know what Edenberry says without her trying to give them some kind of out. Her wording is gentle, trying to coax something out of them without judgement, feeling like a parent asking a child who got caught doing something they shouldn't for an explanation. This is something she's going to have to get used to she supposes. "You can tell me" she isn't sure how she'll be if that is the case but she just needed to know, so she can figure out if she's chasing the wrong thing here.
​

 

[edenberry ?!]

The back and forth doesn't stop, a train running away down a steep decline and ignoring the screeching pleading of strained brakes. It's gone too far, too much shared, too open the canyons thought firmly bridged over. A concerned friend... It's a kinder retelling than Edenberry could take credit for. They don't feel like a concerned friend, cowering against the shadow of themself. For the first time someone thinks to cut the fraying cord that tethers them to their false anchor- "You don't have to be."

The line snaps and the sea is ruthless as a sorrowed ship is sent adrift, stubbornly trying to mask the quivering of their lips while soft clouds roll on ahead, watching and waiting for smoke signals that cry an SOS. Brick by brick, a weathered wall crumbles in colorful pelts of every loss. A stained glass artistry of every mistake to be broken apart, snapped along the seams and seen one piece at a time.

There's too much to sift through, an old photo album swollen with pictures of forgotten faces, memories conveniently tucked away as they fall out of favor, replaced by newer ones. Ones that feel like home. Whatever that may be is warped by time, perception and misfortune. They stare in transfixed silence, watching every inquisitive cog click into place- fear runs down their spine and the instinct to run screams at their paws to move. A deer caught in owlish headlights.

"Edenberry," and she says their name with a slow, uncertain pace. Their pupils shrink, fraught with overwhelming dread, "Owlheart...." I beg you... one more time... Please don't... The stone rolls and below are the parts of an ugly lie scrambling to be discovered by the gleaming sunlight. The world spins and all at once they're convinced this is a nightmare; tears flee rampantly from the scene of the crime, dribbling down their cheeks like convicts on the run.

It's all the confirmation anyone could need... to have been struck so deeply by such a harmless question.

"I can't," is the first quavering panic that they find the strength to voice. Because if this has spread outside of just Spicepurr then it would only be a matter of time before Cherryblossom knew.... How could they trust this with her own litter-mate? They couldn't be made to pit sister against sister- they wouldn't.... or at least, they wouldn't have... if they'd just kept their cards closer to their chest. If they'd been better at shoving it down.

A keening whine of a phantom self begs them to become transparent... to wash their paws of this. Ask me.... Please ask me. It couldn't be their fault if she figured it out on her own... they could let go for just a moment. Don't make me say it. At constant battle with their resolve to keep it tucked away or be held through their misery.

⟡₊ ⊹ i ll betray you like a man

• 
• -- edenberry / skyclan daylight warrior / any pronouns / 17 moons
  -- mostly white with black pinstripe and green eyes / scarred face and back
  -- color #728c69

​

 

[Owlheart]

She's too stubborn for her own good, refusing to leave any stone unturned even if she may regret it later. As she watches Edenberry stubbornly (or is out of desperation?) trying to cover up a trembling lip she realises maybe this is one of those times it would have been better to leave that stone unturned. There is a point of no return, Owlheart has been long standing on the precipice of it since she started to press them about their words and behaviour. The sympathy reaches to an apex at the sight, there's hesitation before paws press forward towards her friend. aiming to brush her shoulder against there's as a way to say 'I'm here.' Wherever Edenberry allows her to do so or not is a different story, the sentiment is still there regardless and that's enough for her.

She hovers nearby, in this moment swearing to StarClan that she can practically feel the fear radiating off of Edenberry by her question. They don't deny, the tears are one of guilt. Something breaks, she thinks it's her heart. If it had something to do with Twoleg adoption then why would Edenberry be so upset? This realisation dawned on her and it's harrowing, worse than any bump in the night or hungry predator. A chill rolls up her spine, causing fur to raise, she's unsure if the temperture has actually dropped or if she's just imagining it. They only say I can't, it doesn't give much yet reveals all she needs to know at the same time.

"Edenberry..." She trails off, trying to discern something, anything at all. All she can see is glassy eyes pooling with tears, that same sadness reflects in her own. It's sombre, tears well in her own but she tries to blink them away. I need to know, there's that urge, that determination to look under a rock that she very well shouldn't. Jumping off that gorge and into the pit of the unknown, knowing she isn't going to like the answer. "Did you have kits, is that you were gone?" She supposes that it's a good thing they're so far from camp. Any passerbys would have been heard by now, it truly feels that they're the only two cats in the forest in this moment.

"Please tell me the truth" it's spoken in a whisper, ears have drooped to flatten. Part of her hopes that they'll lie regradless, if the cruel truth is shown then... She doesn't know what she would do. Does anyone else know? Does Cherryblossom? Questions at the tip of her tongue but she decides to wait until she hears as much of the story as Edenberry is willing to share.
​

 

[edenberry ?!]

Touch is a weapon... withholding it sometimes the far better option. It can leave someone yearning... searching for a warm press of fur. Or it could be withheld to neglect... to let moss overtake the abandoned space. They didn't consider themself to be moss-touched ruins... That a spark of a fire in the hearth might urge the walls to weep with relief at the feeling of being a home again. To feel lived in.

The tiniest little reminder of their physical presence. It snips off the padlock like well sharpened bolt cutters... what was a mizzle becomes a storm, paired with shaking breaths between sobs. She's asked nothing at all yet... and hungrily they ache for her not to, to just stand beside them as a sturdy pillar of silent support. Maybe they could just get it out of their system, wash out the regret that clings between every hair like a virus. She's not going to, a mourning dove answers in abject defeat... and she doesn't.

She doesn't pull away at the very least, though they struggle to keep themself stood tall against the overwhelming caterwauls that leave their lungs gasping for breath. Her question is a tentative hiss; a plea for confirmation as if it might change anything. Would it help? The pin-stripe cat doesn't think so as they struggle to take a deep inhale, trying to steady themself and stem the flow of tears. There's a lie waiting to flick between their teeth, prepared to wave it off as jealousy, to just say it wasn't theirs. That it was Hazelbeam's maybe... the clan could never check, could the-

"Please tell me the truth."

It stupefies them, to be caught on the edge of their intentions. Can she... read my mind? It's so confusing, all the shuddering of their body stops, a moss-soaked pool scrying for her face to try to read her. Would the truth work...? But if it did... then it would mean they sacrificed all of this for nothing. That they sent away their children for nothing short of selfishness. A starvation for freedom... the want to be a warrior again far outweighing the love and care they needed. The disconnect between the cat they imagine themself to be and what seems to be the real one makes their heart drop.

They pull away, abruptly, feeling suddenly like their skin is crawling rather than being warmed by their friend's presence... An itching dread that says they don't deserve the comfort. She'd said such nice things about them... and not a single one of them was true. She had no idea... and the closer she got to the real story, the more certain they were she would hate them for the choices they'd made.

Their ears pin back, crouched low as they slink a few cowardly strides away, turning to face her in a hunkered, sniffling ruff of fur. "It's my mistake," they whine, hardly louder than a hiss, "You...." Maybe some subconscious part of them already recognized the damage it had done to make Spicepurr keep the secret in the first place... and fear drives them not to lose another friend. Tempestuously and with naive hope, they wonder if maybe... Owlheart is smart enough to see a solution they don't. Maybe... she could make it all go away.

"They aren't... I don't.... I couldn't-..."

"I didn't know what to do...... and I'll probably n-never see them again," they answer in a strained squeak, feeling their throat close up around their words as they stumble through something they hadn't even been willing to acknowledge to themself until now. "Please don't hate me.... Please don't hate me," they aren't really sure why they say it twice... Maybe once in the hopes that one of them would travel far enough for their poor little adventurers... sent on a quest founded on a lie.

---

𓍊𓋼𓍊𓋼𓍊 〰 i want no more than this

• -- edenberry / skyclan daylight warrior / any pronouns / 17 moons
  -- mostly white with black pinstripe and green eyes / scarred face and back
  -- color #728c69​

​

 

[Owlheart]

There's comfort in the fact that Edenberry doesn't seem to reject her touch, hope that there's still something of their friendship here. Things can be fixed, she refuses to believe it. Stubbornly holding onto their friendship, despite everything she still cared for them. Owlheart can only hope that the feeling is mutual, maybe they're both too subborn to let go of another. It hurts to see them like this, the cracks within long exposed to the light of day, that hollow form that wears the skin of Edenberry has shown it's ugliest parts. She doesn't shy away from them in this moment, having a feeling that a gentle touch may be appreciated- despite all the tears. Even if her eyes were glassy she doesn't join them in crying, trying to keep a level head to her.

The abrupt departure shocks her, not a sharp recoil in response but it's clear she wasn't expecting it despite her demands for honesty. Once again they don't deny, it's enough to her. Still, she needs to hear it. A mistake they call it- She supposes they're right, is it really a mistake to seek out companionship in any form from someone other than her sister? Did Cherryblossom know? She has two mates so she naively hopes that just means that Edenberry does too, that there's been some kind of communication.

Would a reaction as extreme as this come from communication though? Would the shying away from the subject come from that? That... guilt? That clings to them at any point, they always seemed tired these days. Smiles not quite reaching eyes, a dull tone where something bright and chipper once was. That had to be because of this, and that couldn't be because they were honest. A mistake. Yeah. "Your mistake" she whispers to herself, carefully hiding judgement from her tone. Edenberry needed a friend and despite how upset she is with them in this moment she wanted to be that for them.

Half answers are given, a blind stumble trying to figure out what to piece together. The pinstripe warrior seems to pick half of a story then discards it for another until they're satisfied but are they satisfied even then? "How many? Where are they?" There's a new horror dawning on her, they don't act like these kittens of theirs are just waiting at home for their mother to return. The talks of being a lousy mother, how they're only good for playing with kits. Did they get rid of them? Or have they been taken?

"I don't hate you" it's an answer easily given, she doesn't hate much and no matter what complicated feelings swirl in her stomach she knows hate isn't one of them. She bleeds loyalty, that much is evident. "I'm here for you" she reaffirms her earlier actions, too fearful of how they may react if she touches them again right now. Her smile is sad, one of a bitter acceptance. "I'm... Still your friend, if you want that" will they forget everything they talked about here when they go home? She hopes not.

A deep sigh exhales from her, one of defeat and acceptance mixed into one. "Who else knows?" Please say Cherryblossom- please don't tell me you haven't said anything to her. "Have you talked to Cherry about it?" She is once again fearful of the answer she'll receive but there's hope that given the fact that she doesn't scream or shun them that there will be enough trust between the pair for further honesty.
​

 

[edenberry ?!]

It becomes an interrogation under burning, bright lights found in the shape of wide-eyed stare. The attention that had felt like the warmth of a fire in leaf-fall became as scorching as the green-leaf sun in an instant. It burns... the thin furs of their coat, normally chilled by this weather, feel like they absorb too much. The details as prodded and poked with, with little regard for the way it unravels the thinly held knitting of their story. What layers are torn off the surface to reveal dark gouges patched with tape.

Panic makes them feel caged, aware that their exits are many and readily available but... what could running do? They share a clan... they share the same prey pile.... If they sprint back into their kittypet roots and firmly roost there never to return then did that make their whole life meaningless? What had they learned that would better such a sheltered soft life that staying there the whole time wouldn't have already taught them? "They're fine," they insist, hoping beyond hope that for once, this one promise is not a lie. "They're safe," they continue, venturing a guess that if Raindrop had them, they must be at least that. They wouldn't invite them across the great expanses of territories for nothing... right? What do I even know about them? Every time they'd felt a question on their lips they'd firmly snuffed it out, far more concerned with driving away their only real company than understanding who they spent their nights with.

"I wouldn't just... I wouldn't just abandon them," they press, growing desperate now as they writhe under the same accusation they'd flung Owlheart's way haphazardly. They want to be smaller... to curl up tighter and tighter like a little pill bug and roll away. Or become a worm to wriggle into the dirt never to be found except on rainy nights of dampened solitude. Dejectedly, they can't help but fold under the pressure, too long held under such tight tension and suddenly unwound. "Two.... Just two...."

Orangestar's blood soaked figure stands as a glowering ghost in their head, one seething with disappointment and red-hot fury to match the flame-warm tones of her pelt. How quickly it melds into their marred face instead... Would the clan have given up asking after them in another moon? Two? Would Spicepurr have had to forego her training to reclaim her roots as a kittypet to care for them? Would Hazelbeam have cried angry tears for all the times they hadn't heeded her warnings about thoughtless adventure... about dancing too close to the cliff's edge?

They blink, the vision dissipating as tabby investigator pledges a somber loyalty. It doesn't suit them... to be cared for so devotedly despite their penchant for deception. "You don't have to lie," they whisper, a hypocrite to the last. Owlheart didn't have to be their friend anymore.... A punishment to fit the crime (and still would not be enough).

Dry lips go licked in anxious thought as the more foreboding presence in the forest grows... before it is finally named. "Cherryblossom." They flinch at the speckles of autumn and clouds that dot their mind's eye. "Why would... she know anything," the inky-stained daylighter asks quietly, "She was... busy being Orangestar's deputy.... Not enough time on her paws to... to deal with me or whatever I was doing..." Jealousy wraps tightly in their belly, Not when Lupinesong was right there at her beck and call whenever she needed her... "You're going to tell her.... aren't you....?" The fur on their spine stands on end, a renewed sense of fright working its way in anxious knots through their body.

⟡₊ ⊹ i ll betray you like a man

• 
• -- edenberry / skyclan daylight warrior / any pronouns / 18 moons
  -- mostly white with black pinstripe and green eyes / scarred face and back
  -- color #728c69

​

 

[Owlheart]

"I didn't think you would abandon them" she's aware that the same accusation that had been thrown at her has now been laid at their paws. It feels horrible, those words had hurt her and she can only assume judging by their reaction that it has hurt them as well. She doesn't like this, it feels wrong. Owlheart truly believes that the daylighter would be a wonderful mother, even if she hasn't seen them with their brood. Even if the circumstances around it seem to be rotten, though they lie and hide she has to hold faith that there's love and care with them. Just two... "I'd like to meet them one day- if that's okay" she doesn't wish to intrude, stepping over boundaries that have truly shattered the same way the dead leaves of leaf-fall do under paw. "What are their names?" Did they have daylighter names, like Sangriapaw or Spicepurr or did they take clan names like herself and her kits. Were they friendly? Would they get along with her kits? There's a pang of sadness that hits her heart as she realises that maybe they will never know.

She bleeds in sympathy, how hard must it be to not talk about something so important as their own kits? She tries to imagine hiding talking about her own kits for moons on end, having to lie and hide their origins at every turn. It's no life to live, even if she doesn't agree with how this happened. The sin has been comitted and it's clear enough to her that they seem to be repenting plenty for it... There still seems to be a difficult path ahead of them and she can't help to show kindness because of it.

There's something distant in Edenberry's eye, she thinks to ask if they're okay but she has said that before and she knows the answer. White splashed jaw clamps shut as she digs her paws into the ground, almost as if it's painful for her to not prod and poke. She had already temporarily forgone pressing about these kits, happy to leave it at they're safe and fine. It crushes her to see such a profound sadness in her friend, they say she doesn't have to lie and to that she tilts her head in confusion. Slow blinks flutter as she tries to gather what they even mean by that.

"I'm not lying- I want to still be your friend. This... Things are different now but that doesn't mean I don't still care for you. That I don't still love you. You're important to me Edenberry, I don't want to lose our friendship" she doesn't feel the need to sugar coat it. Of course things are different now, new perspectives being brought to light. There's a sense of loss to the pinstriped warrior, she doesn't feel the need to contribute to that.

"Please let me still be your friend" there's that plea again, she feels like a kit again. Chasing after her den mates heels to be included in their kit games, to be involved. She too feels small, young clumsy and inexperienced. There's yards of distance between them and at the same time they can feel the warmth of her friend, close enough to remind her that these gaps can be filled. Even if she proceeds to ask the hard questions, even if she's fed half-truths or lies, she doesn't know how much of what Edenberry says is true but she doesn't wish to doubt them.

Owlheart loves her sister, her devotion is endless and she will always be there to hold her above any of her own standards. The mystery of her and Edenberry has always been plaguing her mind, their answer to her question only makes that more puzzling. She can't quite place their tone, resentment? Understanding? Maybe both? She had never heard Cherryblossom ask about Edenberry but she herself has been scarcely seen around the calico so she had always just chalked it up to her own pitfalls, presuming that it's because she's not being a good enough littermate rather than something actually being wrong.

This isn't normal though, she can notice that at least. She tries to think about her mates in that way and it hurts her to even try. There's cracks in the foundation of the pair, one's that she's unsure if either have them had noticed. Will she tell her? "It's... Not my place to." She decides, clearly thinking through her answer, it's cool and calculated as she chooses her words carefully. "Out of respect for both you and her... I won't be the one to tell her" she's unsure if Cherryblossom would even hear her out after their last conversation, the tension already palpable.

"You should talk to her though, not just about this." She hopes she doesn't have to elaborate, unsure of how far out of her place she would be stepping. "I'll support you Edenberry but you have to tell her. If you don't then... I will, but I want to give you that chance." It would be unfair of her, this is clearly something important, important enough to lie and hide about. It will not be Owlheart to undermine whatever this goal was, as much as she hates it. She can't be the one to hurt her sister.
​

 

[edenberry ?!]

How can the daffodil-colored she-cat still insist upon empathy and understanding...? Edenberry is certain it must be a ruse, that they've burnt through what reserves of kindness that had been hoarded in moons of friendship. Everyone has limits... why should she be any different? The betrayal they confess to runs deeper than a white lie... this is an entire chapter unearthed from pages ripped out and scattered in hopes of never all being reunited. "I'd like to meet them one day." They realize with her meager request that they wish that she had gotten to... Maybe it wouldn't hurt so much if they could crawl into someone's nest and wail about missing their wonder-filled baby blues. Or their first words and how it never failed to make them laugh to think about. They can't meet her gaze as she asks after their names.... Edenberry knows all of hers, out of a loving devotion to her happiness, even if it feels like nails being hammered between the slats of their ribcage.

Pearlkit, Cuckookit... would they have enjoyed their son's company, to play and bat around at leaves? "Mizzlekit," What a cute pair they might've been with Morningkit... an image of fresh spring rains. Brightkit and Ravenkit, who might've brought their daughter some much needed courage, to have little brave souls championing around her paws? "And Arethusakit..." What horrible fortune that Raindrop had stolen that from her... and that her mother remains none the wiser of her new moniker as Berrykit.

Would Raindrop bring them back in a few months to visit... just like before? Already so much time had passed and they felt more and more uncertain that the gift of a jay's feather meant anything less than a permanent farewell.

They catch themself lost in their thoughts again, flitting their gaze from the floor back towards the soft scowl of uncertainty that dresses their friend's face. And that's what she insists on being... still... still they are friends. Was it the same though... She said things had changed and the sound of a metal gate closing over the nursery becomes louder. What kind of parent would let a liar hang around their kids anyways... much less one that had shoved off the responsibility onto someone else. Even if that someone had just as much a claim to those kits as they did.

"You can change your mind," they offer sullenly, theorizing that the moment she was not stuck grappling with their tears that she might truly feel the weight of this discussion and decide it wasn't a friendship worth clinging to. They would spend the rest of their life trying to earn her trust back if they could... but it seemed an unfathomable cliff to climb.

There's no more running to be done though... not anymore... Owlheart's stare is intense, even if softened by the knowledge she's been given. So the gauntlet clatters on the ground between them... a last chance to meet the blade willingly or die with it pressed into their back. Their jaw tightens, trying to sift through the nervous wreckage to answer her with honesty... Were they a coward to the very end? Was it so deep that it ran in the marrow of their bones? Even their answer surprises them, "I'll... I'll talk to her." Fearful tears well in their eyes again, stubbornly pitying themself and what they suspect will come next, "I'll try to tell her...."

⟡₊ ⊹ i ll betray you like a man

• 
• -- edenberry / skyclan daylight warrior / any pronouns / 18 moons
  -- mostly white with black pinstripe and green eyes / scarred face and back
  -- color #728c69

​

 

[Owlheart]

"Mizzlekit and Arethusakit" she speaks to herself, rolling around foreign syllables on her tongue. She assumes that the later is a kittypet name, she likes it though, despite the fact that it's a mouthful. "They're nice names, I bet they look just like you" There isn't a thought to think before she speaks, unaware of how deep the knife twists. After a moment there is an awareness to the fact that the knife is being twisted at all "sorry- if you.... Ever want to talk about them more, I'd like to hear" even if it hurts. Owlheart's decided that it must hurt more to keep them a secret, maybe they need someone to talk to, she hopes that someone can also be her sister but she's happy to be there in between.

With a twitch of her tail she looked down at her paws instead of at them in an attempt to find collect her thoughts. Unaware of the fact that they're heart broken, that they believe they're being locked out from the nursery. In truth, she wouldn't mind them around her kits. There was a concern that she would do them more harm than good by forcing them to spend time with the children. Her anxiety reaches great heights, it's not out of the realm of possibility for her to feel anxious on their behalf.

"I won't. You're my friend Edenberry, I don't want that to change" She shakes her head, frowning at the thought of them trying to shake her off. Though, she can't blame them, all she's done is scratch at already raw and tender wounds. "No matter what, you're still the Edenberry I grew up with" would their younger self be so secretive? Maybe they always have, she's stubborn though and she can't see herself letting go of someone she's known for so long. Even if she is unsure if she can help them, trust is broken but it can be mended, she's a forgiving cat.

"Okay... okay good" her smile is weak and sombre but she still smiles all the same. "I'm... well you know already but I'm here for you. If you want to talk to me afterwards, you can" is it unfair of her to not favour her sister in this time? That wasn't true, she does but she knows that Cherryblossom has support in cats that she would rather speak with. Like Lupinesong. Maybe it's the gap between them but she isn't sure that Edenberry is afforded that same support network, wherever it be because of their own burnt bridges or by the depth of how far they wish to hide. "I can... avoid talking about my kits if that makes things easier, I don't want to upset you but..." She trails off with a sad sigh. "...I'd like for you to see them some time whenever you're ready to" the offer is quiet, sadness deep within her tone. She makes an effort to try and brush the subject along "did you want to go see the Tallpine still?" Some offer of normalcy, or did they want to go see Cherryblossom?
​

 

[edenberry ?!]

"You don't know the half of it," they try at a warm-hearted joke, simmering in their own self-pity to think of two-toned kits and the different ways they mimicked their parents. It could be cute... to have tiny phantoms that masquerade around with your nature, your face... In a way, it was like Edenpaw never left. Or rather... their spirit had found some wild horizon to explore by borrowing the paws of their daughter and son. Hadn't been what they wanted at that age... nothing more than a grand exploration? Her apology acts like ice on a welt, doing her best to calm the inflammation, but the daylight cat just shakes their head. They could suffer that much... At the very least. "You don't need to apologize...." Because she hadn't done anything wrong. The only one with apologies to share should be them.

They don't see the point in persisting in their argument against friendliness. If Owlheart insisted, so be it... good for them.... but if she came around to it later, well.

Hazelbeam could say her "I told you so"s.

They aren't sure what she's trying to get at by offering to talk immediately after they bare their burdens onto Cherryblossom... It's her sister, for star's sake, who ought to receive that loving concern. Maybe There was something to pressure there later, to ask why the orange tabby was so keen on clinging to them and not her own flesh and blood. The nuances of kin remain elusive and hard to understand to someone that has only ever gotten to choose their family rather than be born into it.

"You don't need to do that," comes in hushed murmur... It isn't fair to her to demand silence about her children. To steal away her excitement with their presence. The offer for bonding is equally sweet as it is damning, a set of glowering eyes and a distant voice reminding them they shouldn't. Even if that was what felt most familiar... even if the thorns stuck to their pads when they tread into that warm, milky den. "Maybe.... sometime soon...." With any luck, they wouldn't be made to break that promise.

The mention of Tallpine is a welcome escape, a lifeline thrown that says the conversation be done. That she's asked all her questions... that there's nothing left to say. Perhaps their really isn't... but the black and white cat doesn't feel satisfied. Ripped to the bone, exposed, raw.

"Sure.... Sure we can go..." It could be nice to sit up in the branches and forget this ever happened.

⟡₊ ⊹ i ll betray you like a man

• 
• -- edenberry / skyclan daylight warrior / any pronouns / 18 moons
  -- mostly white with black pinstripe and green eyes / scarred face and back
  -- color #728c69

​