Nothin’ scares me anymore / Lichenpaw

[ROEFLAME .]

ROEFLAME — break the air to feel the fall.
She feels numb, stumbling out of Howlingstars den with a hardened expression.
She’s angry, hurt, grieving… her emotions are so big that she feels like she is a child again. Like she’s Toraline once more, hugging pine needles to her face so hard that they prick her.
Though her mind feels as though it’s just risen from the dead, her step is brisk, determined with no destination in mind.
Fuck them. She cannot help but think impulsively.
Fuck all of them.
Her cheeks are burning with white-hot anger, silent in all but her narrowed expression.
Something hits her- someone. The sudden weight causes her to stumble back, she almost forgot she lived amongst giants- even the average cat able to look down on her.
She pushes the brief realization away bitterly, finally blinking back into present time.
It’s Lichenpaw, and she had run into him.
"Shit- my bad." She sighs, voice heavy.
She looks around, realizing how much time had passed since she had first approached Howlingstar, as night now stretched across the sky.
Roeflame looks back towards Lichenpaw, and she remembers him only a few small hours ago, spitting venom towards Sunnyday over Sandpaws injured form.
"I’m sorry for what you went through today. That shit… it’s hard, and no one deserves it." She finds herself speaking before thinking about it, which is a norm for her. What surprises her is the empathy in her tone, and the fact that she hated it, despised it even, that she could be able to know- she didn’t have the privilege of a tone-deaf “oh, I couldn’t imagine.”
Now, he couldn’t either, or Sandpaw. She can only look at him with sorrow glimmering in clouded eyes.

@LICHENPAW
"speech"

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[LICHENPAW ❁]

.°❁ I AM JUST A BROKEN MACHINE

---

The adrenaline has drained now, the rush of fighting and the clamoring cries of his angry clanmates as one by one they turned on his mentor. It was Lichenpaw himself that brought down their rage upon him, condemning him as the culprit of Sandpaw's injuries, only for Sunnyday to -- to what, try to spare him from facing judgement for his own actions? Lichenpaw fought to force me to back off, he had lied, hah. No one even questioned it, and Lichenpaw had no reason to make them. In fact, some seemed ready enough to do the same to Sunnyday, match his own clawmarks with more in the name of revenge. He can't say he found the satisfaction in it that they seemed to seek. As night creeps in and the earlier excitement has faded, all that Lichenpaw is left with is a hollow exhaustion, the ache of bruises across his skin, and the unwelcome mixture of guilt and anger that can't quite find a place to rest.

He spent most of the day, after the commotion, cleaning every last speck of blood from his paws. It was something to do, to keep himself occupied, but now that it's grown too dark to distinguish deep brown from darkening red, he's taken to pacing, unheeding of the soreness that calls his body to rest.

This is how he finds himself in the collision path of another cat lost in her own head, wincing a bit as Roeflame bumps right into him. It takes him a moment to register; he doesn't know her particularly well, but he didn't miss the way she stormed off during the commotion, shouldering past the gathered cats. Eager to get away. He certainly wanted to, and yet -- no running. A part of him feels bitter, attempting to drown out out his want to wonder why, why she who was unharmed would be so quick to flee the scene.

He tries to stay focused, tries to actually register the words she says to him. Apologies, always with the apologies. He doesn't want them, never has. And worse -- saying he didn't deserve it, as if he hadn't been the one to provoke Sunnyday, to push his luck until things went too far. As if he deserved an apology, when Sandpaw was the one lying in the medicine den. "What--" his voice is tired, bitterness softened by exhaustion. "What would you know?" She wasn't there. She doesn't understand.

It's harsh, but he can't quite regret saying it. Barely more than a quiet grumble, venom slipping away like the daylight, eyes not quite meeting hers. He doesn't want her hollow sympathy, he doesn't want anyone's.

---

AND I DO THINGS THAT I DON'T REALLY MEAN ! .°❁

⟪ OOC ⟫ ⟪ INFO ⟫ ⟪ REF ⟫

• //​
• LICHENPAW named for the lichen on the trees of his home.
  — he/him or they/them. 10 moons.
  — thunderclan apprentice, mentored by sunnyday.
  — bears a near-permanent nervous grin.
  
  primary character, medium-high activity. penned by saturnid.​
• 

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[ROEFLAME .]

ROEFLAME — break the air to feel the fall.
She expects it, the sharp reply.
Still, it stings. She involuntarily flinches, his words echoing in her own mind.
What would you know?
Bitterness bubbles up for only a split second- it only takes moment for her resentment to boil over, trapped under an uncharacteristically silent lid for far too long.
"A lot more than you think." She snaps, her tone sharp.
Yet, as if in sync with the hurting apprentice in front of her, the anger dissipates far slower than it was brought on, but unlike him her gradually widening gaze is still steady.
Her history is no secret to those who have been around since the beginning of Thunderclan, Cinderfrost’s shadow had been cast over her for far too much of her adolescence, she knows that now.
Yet, he does not. He wasn’t around during that time, she wasn’t the twice-orphaned child, to Lichenpaw she was just Roeflame.
A sentiment that is normally comforting only brings soft ripples of guilt now. "I don’t pity you, I don’t pity anyone. Whether you believe it or not, I can empathize, that’s all." She says once more, her tone more breath than voice as she sits, defeated, "I won’t ask if you’re okay, I know you’re not and it’s a stupid question anyways… I probably shouldn’t have said anything at all." Now her tone is more of a grumble, subtle deja vu distorting her train of thought for a moment, her words taking her back to the time she sat across the border from Snowpaw.
I won’t ask how you’re doing, I don’t really think I care enough to.
Her ears twitch, it’s an uncomfortable memory, to feel so much for someone and yet.. to know they made a mistake so earth-shattering. Even back then, however, she knew Snowpaws intentions were to protect.
She looks away then, expecting him to walk away from the wreck she currently was.
Ugh.

"speech"

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[LICHENPAW ❁]

.°❁ I AM JUST A BROKEN MACHINE

---

She matches his half-hearted aggression with some of her own, he wouldn't have expected any different. He welcomes it, no flinch as she snaps back at him -- "A lot more than you think" -- barbed words, useless defenses for useless apologies. And yet -- it's gone too fast. Nothing for him to latch onto, to prod at, to tear open until he's left bruised for the second time today. No easy outlet for his lingering anger. That's fine, he's a little too tired for it anyway.

And yet she insists that she can empathize, as if feeling sorry for him actually means anything at all. She says it's not pity, but he's not an idiot; there's nothing else it could be. He breathes through gritted teeth, the sorrow in her words lancing through his skin. The hates it, he rejects it, he doesn't want anything of the sort. As her voice trails into a grumble, at the very least having the decency to not ask if he's okay, he feels an unhappy kind of vindication. "I probably shouldn’t have said anything at all." "Yeah," he mumbles. "You -- you think?" A baring of teeth in a smile, petty and sarcastic.

And yet -- he's never really known when to leave things be.

"I just --" A bit of energy returns to his voice than, returns to his fidgeting paws, eyes fixed downwards as they begin to tap restlessly at the ground. "I don't -- You don't have to -- to act like you get it, I don't need any apologies, I was --" he chokes on his words, too close to admitting himself the cause of Sunnyday's anger, of Sandpaw's injury. "I'm -- I'm barely even hurt," he settles on. "Save your -- your sympathy for someone who deserves it." There, that's close enough to what he wants to say.

---

AND I DO THINGS THAT I DON'T REALLY MEAN ! .°❁

⟪ OOC ⟫ ⟪ INFO ⟫ ⟪ REF ⟫

• //​
• LICHENPAW named for the lichen on the trees of his home.
  — he/him or they/them. 10 moons.
  — thunderclan apprentice, mentored by sunnyday.
  — bears a near-permanent nervous grin.
  
  primary character, medium-high activity. penned by saturnid.​
• 

​

 

[ROEFLAME .]

ROEFLAME — break the air to feel the fall.
To her bittersweet surprise, the tom doesn’t leave- although it seems he desperately wants to.
He argues, though his voice is straining with the effort it takes.
She sighs, though anger still burns like embers in her chest- it is not directed towards Lichenpaw.
It’s all too fresh- everything is just too… too raw, it’s almost unbearable.
"Someone took me under their wing once, I was an orphan- abandoned, they were everything to me." She pauses, staring at the ground ahead of her for just a moment. "Turns out, they hurt a lot of cats. I had to watch them walk out of my life after they defended their crimes. For half of my life I was a pariah, guilty by association." Her ears flatten as she recalls being shooed away by the other queens, stared down upon over fear of their own kits safety. "Our predicaments are not the same, but just because you aren’t hurt physically doesn’t mean shit. That anger? That’s pain. Deny as long as you’d like, Lichenpaw. Just… don’t isolate yourself, it always comes back one way or another." With those words she would finally take a step back, ready to depart to somewhere, anywhere else. More than anything she wished to flee to the border where oak and pine intertwined, though she knew nothing lay for her there. She said what she could, and was not so keen on being an outlet for the apprentices anger any longer, not when her own still rumbled like thunder deep in her chest.

// IC opinions :,)

"speech"

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[LICHENPAW ❁]

.°❁ I AM JUST A BROKEN MACHINE

---

A half-answer to the curiosity that tugs at his chest. Orphaned, abandoned, guilt by association. Is that supposed to make him feel any better? Like oh, she gets it, this poor little cat telling him her sob story, as though somehow that'll make him see that they're the same. They're not, still. She seems to think he's some poor, innocent victim, as though he hadn't spent the day cleaning blood from his paws that all his clanmates think was justly earned.

He's not hurt. Anger isn't pain, that's stupid, anger is selfish and cruel and destructive.

Don't isolate himself? Hah. She's just asking for someone to get hurt, whether it ends up being him or not.

She starts to back away — a good move, probably. Her actions see him for what he is, even if her words do not. Liar, his mind supplies, and the anger picks up right where it left. "Oh, you're — you're one to talk, huh?" His laugh comes sharp and breathy. "Just gonna, gonna preach about 'not isolating myself' and walk away? Clearly you don't — you don't —" stumbling over his words again, of course he is. Focus. "You don't actually care at all, or you'd — you wouldn't have just walked off, after the fight. I saw that, y'know. Didn't even — even — didn't give enough of a shit to stick around." His voice wavers at the end — showing weakness, but he's too tired to fix it.

Here he is again, making things worse for himself. That's all he can seem to do lately. He grits his teeth. "Go ahead, walk away again. See — see if I care. I don't need your, your advice, just like I don't need your sympathy." Walk away so he can shut up and stop digging this hole deeper. Burn the bridge and leave it flaming, not like it'd do any good to try putting it out.

---

AND I DO THINGS THAT I DON'T REALLY MEAN ! .°❁

⟪ OOC ⟫ ⟪ INFO ⟫ ⟪ REF ⟫

• // IC opinions as well ^^;
  ​
• LICHENPAW named for the lichen on the trees of his home.
  — he/him or they/them. 10 moons.
  — thunderclan apprentice, mentored by blizzard fang.
  — bears a near-permanent nervous grin.
  
  primary character, medium-high activity. penned by saturnid.​
• 

​

 

[ROEFLAME .]

ROEFLAME — break the air to feel the fall.
Half-burnt words turned scalding as she begins to take her leave, a lighting crack.
She turns again- her juvenile stubbornness possessing her. She was never one to walk away as someone chanted venom behind her, she just couldn’t.
What she sees a mess of emotions, of guilt and anger and.. and…
"What do you want from me? You can’t scold me for… for showing sympathy, for sharing something and get angry at me for walking away after being snapped at! I’m not your punching bag, or y-your scapegoat, I got the hint, already!" Her voices height matches his, but she lacks the retaliation- the want to hurt. "I’m your friend, whether you want to accept that or not, I’m not gonna make you talk to me, or coddle you, but I won’t be your emotional punching bag either. You shouldn’t have gone through what you did, or Sandpaw- that’s fact. " She’s on a tangent, unable to just stop.
Stop.
"I don’t need to explain anything to you, not if you aren’t ready to listen, and your not, so think what you want. I’m… I’m done." She won’t dig herself a hole, a hole that led to Cinderfrost, she wouldn’t burden him, but she couldn’t handle his grief any longer, she knew it was was selfish, but it was the truth.
"You know where to find me when you’re ready."
Her exit statement would be a weary huff before she’d spin on her heel once more and walk away.
Didn’t give enough of a shit to stick around.
With gritted teeth she’d disappear within the camps exit.

// out ! IC opinions as always <33

"speech"

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[LICHENPAW ❁]

————— ❁ —————
I AM JUST A BROKEN MACHINE

Neither of them can seem to leave things alone when they should, both vying for the last word. His fur bristles as she calls out his snapping, his want of an outlet, for exactly what it is. Not that it's some kind of revelation to him. He knows he should've shut up long ago, should've cut this conversation off before it started.

It doesn't feel as good as it should, to hear her voice rise to match their own. His anger still has nowhere to rest; every time it forces its way out of him, he just ends up with more reasons to feel guilty. "I’m your friend," she claims. Still thinking they're friends, despite his venom, despite knowing exactly what he's doing, selfish and cruel and taking it out on her. She doesn't understand. Still insisting he didn't deserve it — Sandpaw didn't, she's right about that, but he's failed to convince her that he did. A guilty, bitter part of him won't stop insisting that he should've had it even worse. The same ugly piece of him that rejects her friendship, her sympathy, that keeps lashing out in search of someone to tell him all his fears are justified.

"You know where to find me when you’re ready," she says instead. It's far kinder than he deserves.

Lichenpaw deflates as Roeflame leaves, breath coming out all at once. The sharp, cruel smile falls quickly from his face; he's shaking, a little. They swallow hard, watching her back as she retreats. They didn't... entirely ruin things, probably. Still, guilt settles in his gut as it always does. Maybe he'll get used to it, eventually. The thought comes with more dread than he's comfortable with.

She's gone now. That's what he wanted, isn't it?

His hollow gaze turns from where she left, and he returns to his pacing.

AND I DO THINGS THAT I DON'T REALLY MEAN !
————— ❁ —————

.°❁ info ; visual

• // fin
  ​
• LICHENPAW named for the lichen on the trees of his home.
  — he/him or they/them. 10 moons.
  — thunderclan apprentice, mentored by blizzard fang.
  — bears a near-permanent nervous grin.
  
  primary character, high activity. penned by saturnid. IC opinions :']​
• "SPEECH"
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• 

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