private nothing but my heart remains ✧ dipperpaw

[lichenstar]

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Finding a way to pull her aside without it screaming of trouble was... a complicated task. Brookpaw, in some cruel twist of fate, would need the day to recover from the loss of her brother. It was the only chance she'd have to take her other apprentice aside and as much as she longed to instead wrap the sassy blue in her arms and reassure her that Meadowheart's loss was hard and she deserved better-- That girl would rather die than let Lichentail embrace her. She would leave that interaction littered in scars.

As much as the swirly-striped figure loathed their current standing, the lead warrior couldn't very well let it slide that she had chosen the most inopportune moment to snap at her mentor. In SkyClan, surrounded by faces that were not familiar... It was a humiliating moment to say the least and made all the more frustrating by the sheer stupidity of the sniping she'd received. What good did Dipperpaw's age do her when her den-mates fell and died in combat? It proved the point of Lichentail's anxious hovering and encouraged her all the more to linger behind the two molly's backs to serve as their personal shields.

"I lied," she said. Turning to face Dipperpaw now that they were free of the prying eyes and ears of clan-mates. This was a hard conversation for the shaggy furred she-cat to find words for and did not want an audience for her verbal fumbling (she was sure they would happen, they always did). "You may be nearly old enough to be a warrior but for all your silence and withheld words you reveal yourself so plainly as a naive girl." It felt cruel... this direction her tongue had chosen to take. But Dipperpaw was a sturdy, untouchable rock wall... and Lichentail knew her bluntness would infuriate her... but it would be enough to tear the mask off her face and get a real conversation.

"Quite frankly, I don't really care how much you like me..." This too was a lie, though she would not admit it so plainly as she had before. "You are still an apprentice and it's my job to make sure you see the next sunrise, every sunrise. You didn't ask for it but there's not really anything you can do about that."


---- @DIPPERPAW​

 

[DIPPERFROST]

It is on less than eager paws that Dipperpaw follows her mentor out of camp that day. There is much else she would rather be doing than this. Even fishing - as painstaking and so incredibly boring as it was was preferable to whatever one on one training that she had been so certain lay in store for her today. She is loathe to admit it but she wishes Brookpaw was by her side, at least then her new mentors attention was divided, not focused solely on her and in the wake of her fellow apprentices grief she could pretend she was invisible in the way that she so often desperately wished she was. Then at least she would be left alone.

They don’t make it terribly far before the blue accented molly is spinning on her heels, admitting to being a liar. Why anyone would ever confess such a thing and tarnish their reputation Dipperpaw is uncertain. But then again, a lot of things about Lichentail confuses her. Like the way she worries so much. It is not something she is used to, this constant hovering, this pressure that she feels as a shadow looms over her. Her previous mentor had been lax in her ways, had allowed her to learn in her own due time and while Dipperpaw knows that for some that can be a hinderance, for her it had worked wonders. ”Experience is the best teacher” the wizened she-cat would say. ”I cannot teach you the things that you must learn for yourself” she misses the freedom that she has often found with the elder warrior.

Lichentail goes on to call her naive, and Dipperpaw does not say anything at all. She merely blinks in response, eyes fluttering closed for a fraction of a second as a heavy sigh escapes her lips. "You think I dislike you?" she asks, as if she hasn’t heard a single other word her mentor had spoken. But she had. She was a storing away all of it, taking it in and turning it about in her mind. What was this about? She wonders. Harsh words come back to her. Snapping and disrespectful and in front of another clan. She had never apologized. Had it been that important to her, affected her so greatly? Dipperpaw herself had not thought much of it if she is honest. A mistake made in the heat of the moment under so much pressure. Shellsong would have understood…

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[lichenstar]

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The silence stretches on for too long and she has half a mind to wonder if Dipperpaw actually exists... if she is not some shared hallucination of RiverClan's unaddressed guilt for the apprentices they had lost. She moves like a ghost... almost too languidly, voice soft and rarely shared. It makes her skin crawl... makes her want to grab the girl by the face and shake her for some sort of sign of her realness. A promise that Lichentail was not yet overwhelmed by the realities she opted to ignore.

The outburst she wants doesn't come-- it is impossible then, to make the swirl-dressed molly speak her mind. But the question is more alarming that her lack of emotion, having pierced right through whatever nuance the point had suffered to weave and pinning down the insecurity she'd thought well-hidden. She... cannot read minds... can she?

Stupefied by the observation, the lead warrior finds her mouth left slightly agape; it is a clear display of her surprise, of the accuracy of the statement woven as a question (probably, only for Lichentail's benefit). "What?" It's all she can think to respond with at first... mortified to be so easily decipherable. Had she said it that plainly?

"I didn't say that," is a fruitless follow up, knowing those keen sunrise eyes to be far more perceptive than her laid-back facade admits to. Her ear flicks at the embarrassment she feels, finding it hard to navigate a child who is not so self-involved as previously thought. Hazecloud would laugh at her about this later... probably... between gentle swipes of a tongue moved by vanity.

A huff is expelled, another sweep of a bent tail. "Brookpaw would rather be trained by probably any other warrior and I didn't take her from someone else halfway through training. Why wouldn't I expect it to be the same for you?" She wasn't Brookpaw, of course, but it was hard to ignore that particular chip on her shoulder. A mentor of two... but what good was that when they both fought so hard to keep her at tail's length? Shaking her head, the point of the conversation wasn't meant to be so.... selfish. Even if she had selfish motivations to name as well. "I'm..."

Too many of her same age group had already been claimed. She would be damned if StarClan stole one out from underneath her. "Just Lichentail..." It is a dumbly worded way to say she is not Shellsong. But it is a silent admittance of her guilt- that she is not more for two apprentices that need her to be. She is not like Salmonshade, who fusses over them in a way that includes their feelings. She is not like Smokethroat, having so much structure that they feel supported through all courses of the river of time. Has no reassuring words or meaningful encouragements like Willowroot. Another social failure (how un-surprising).​

 

[DIPPERFROST]

It is almost amusing, the way Dipperpaw seems to be able to get under her mentors skin so much. She had no idea the blue pointed molly cared to this extent, it surprises her, really. Shellsong had always made it clear that she cared, but that she was at the tail end of her warrior life and ready to retire at any moment, that she was tired and Dipperpaw was her last apprentice, one that she was meant to see the end of the training of and then retire. Though, she would never be able to do that now. I didn't say that her mentor says and Dipperpaw just humms softly in response. It was never about the things other cats did say, but the subtle meanings behind their words, their inflictions, the way they held themselves. She had gotten good at reading others from her place in the shadows. You could learn a lot if only you listened as much as she did. Still, she finds herself looking away, her claws occupying themselves with ripping grass from the earth. A distraction from this strange conversation that she wants so little part in. Talking like this has never been her strong suit.

"I'm not Brookpaw" she hates that her mentor is comparing her to another. Brookpaw was an alright cat, in her opinion and while there may be some similarities shared between them there is something that they do not have in common. "I don't hate you." she says simply and then she sighs, a loud exhale through parted jaws as eyes lose focus and she retreats into the inner sanctum of her own memories. "It is just..." her voice is soft, only for Lichentail's ears. "I am not used to you is all" and there it is, the admittance "Shellsong was a very... paws off mentor. You are just... different... than what I am accustomed to." Shellsong often would leave her to her own devices, their relationship was much different than the one she now shares with Lichentail. "That is not necessarily a bad thing" she offers "I'm just Dipperpaw, after all." an apprentice, still getting used to her long limbs and a body that feels too big for how small she feels sometimes.

// sorry this took me so long to reply to ;-;

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[lichenstar]

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She is as faraway as the stars, her gaze hardly ever focused on what stands in front of her. It is aggravating, like trying to speak to a daydream knowing it cannot hear her, cannot return to a reality it never belonged in. Where does she go? If she could understand it maybe it would be easier to speak to her, to slither into that comfortable safe haven she hides in and just sit with her. Instead they stood with a chasm between their tongues and try as she might to raise her voice over the invisible rapids, it felt useless, lost in echoes.

And of course the first answer she gets is a reminder that she is an individual first. The blue lynx lets out a small huff, exasperated by the choice to pick at that one piece of her poorly articulated feelings. She is just as inexperienced as a teacher as Dipperpaw is at being a student; it was a first for them both- Brookpaw was younger, she had more time to work with her and foster whatever relationship could be strangled out of her sour disposition. The chance to fester in the frustration dies like a fire snuffed out by a harsh breeze. "I don't hate you," she says and her tone feels like that of a parent scolding their child for misinterpreting them.

When did the roles reverse? When had she lost track?

But the softness of a whisper meant for her reminds her of three young kittens born a little less than a year ago. So small, frail... struggling through the winter they were brought into. So stubborn despite the hardship, insistent on their own survival. She is still that same, small kitten... Mewling her frustrations at Jaykit, swatting at moss-balls half her size. And she is confused by the world around her even still. Nothing stays the same for her long enough to adjust.

"I'm just Dipperpaw, after all."

The creases of her frown melt and Lichentail cannot help but let out a single, breathless 'ha.' Maybe... they weren't that far at odds then. They were just... them. "Alright... fair enough..." Hard to be mad when your own words were being pointed back at you. Letting out a heavy breath, they can feel a fraction of tension release their spine, "If I am being overbearing, I am sorry... You might not like to hear it but you are not just Dipperpaw to me, and I would think most of the warriors old enough to remember you as Dipperkit would agree. It is alarming... to watch you all grow and be ready to rush head first into battle- I just don't want to decorate you in mint and lavender anytime soon..."


-- u are so okay jay dont even worry about it <33​