On, and on, and on || Intro, grieving

[Feathergaze]

Soft footsteps that should have belonged to someone much smaller than herself padded over dust and colourful leaves. Bare branches rattled above as sharp air whistled through her ears. She hardly felt the cold; whether that was due to her glossy pelt or her lacerated heart, she hadn't been able to decipher for weeks. In her maw she clutched a single stone, pale and smoothed over by countless moons tumbling along the river bed. It's not the flowers you loved so dearly, Icebloom. The healers, they need whatever herbs are left, and with leafbare so close everything else... everything else... A harsh puff of air clouded out from her twitching nose, followed by a trembling inhale. Well, I'm sure everything else has found its way to you.

Her destination reached, Feathergaze slowed and stopped, the last echoes of crushed leaves fading into the air. Before her, scarred and tousled earth marked the final resting place of her grandmother. The ground was scattered with dried out petals, remnants of previous gifts. The stone Feathergaze held now would make for a more permanent gesture. Her heart twisted, pumping her veins full of thorns that both heated yet slowed her blood. She nestled the sleek stone into the pliant dirt. River-clear tears splashed down her nose, seeping into the stone until it shimmered in the dim light.
"It's me again, Icebloom," she murmured. The gentle molly sat down, curling her feathery tail around her paws. "The sickness is gone. Really gone, and the journeying cats came back with enough antidote to stop anyone else from dying. It's... Things are better." Feathergaze's head was heavy. It often was on the days she made the trip. It had been perhaps a moon since she'd visited her grandmother's grave last. Two moons since she had said goodbye.

"I, um... I know, I should be grateful. I-I am grateful, for all the time I got to spend with you. I'm grateful that you got to see my apprenticeship, my warrior ceremony." She picked at the ground now, fidgeting with sticks and dead bits of flora. Icebloom had known better than anyone how hard warrior training had been for Feathergaze. Hunting, fighting, even border patrolling, none of that came easily to the young warrior. Ever since her eyes had opened she'd been drawn to the medicine den. Knowing that there simply wasn't room for her to traverse that path had eaten away at her heart, and without Icebloom there to comfort her at the end of each day, Feathergaze wasn't sure she would've made it to her warrior ceremony. Even after the elder had fallen ill and been confined to the medicine den, Icebloom had made certain not to miss her ceremony. Consequences be damned. 'What are they going to do? Feed me death berries?'

She'd known she was going to die the day her cough set in. By the time her symptoms had appeared, what little lungwort there had been was gone. Despite the utter hopelessness of her diagnosis, Icebloom never complained. It wouldn't have saved her anyway. She'd have refused any dose so long as other cats around her were sick too. Feathergaze had repeated the thought to herself often, especially during the midst of her grief. She knew Icebloom had lived a good life. She knew she had died happy, surrounded by her daughter and granddaughter.
"But I- I still wish that-" I wish someone else had died instead of you.

She bit her tongue hard, until the taste of copper overwhelmed her senses. It's cruel. You know it's cruel. She hissed the thought to herself, over and over and over again. The tightness in her chest, the sting in her throat, the nightmares and adrenaline that woke her up more often than daylight—she wouldn't, she couldn't wish that upon another soul. As the heat in her ears abated and her tongue ached dully, she reworked her words into a soft sigh. "I wish I could spend just one more day with you."

 

[Nettlepaw-]

NETTLEPAW ♂
RIVERCLAN
APPRENTICE
THREE MOONS
BLIND IN BOTH EYES
BIOGRAPHY AND TAGS
APPRENTICED TO PIKESPLASH
PLAYED BY SHEOGORATH​

---

Too many had been lost in recent moons, if not from Yellowcough, than from those ruthless rogues themselves. Not to mention... WindClan. But as Nettlepaw hunts the grass nearby (coming up empty as always), he is soon acutely aware of another's voice. He signals to his patrol with a flick of his tail, a gesture that meant he would curiously investigate. There was no scent of trespasser, and the voice was familiar, so it was fine. What he overhears, however, is decidedly not fine. He stares from the dying undergrowth with sightless eyes that seem to pierce the veil of life and death itself. Memories of his mother swam before his thoughts, the way she smelled, the sound of her voice... the feel of her warm fur against his. Like Icebloom, she had been killed by the disease that had spread like wildfire. Grief fades to rage that heats the boy's chest.

"The journey cats should have left earlier. Or... came back sooner. I don't know." He finally speaks, bitter and painful, likely alerting the other RiverClanner to his presence. "But because they left, Cicadastar died. And because they weren't fast enough, our family members died. Reedflower was a good mother." The blame tumbles from his mouth all too quickly. Maybe it was stupid, and wrong in every way. Maybe it was immature. Nettlepaw doesn't know, can't quite figure out how to untangle the mess of complicated emotions that now swallow him. He blinks tears away and grits his teeth. Anger was easier to bare than loss. It hurt less, as if the rage itself was an outlet, though certainly not the healing kind. "It's not fair." He finishes quietly, echoing the grim thoughts of his mind. Those sightless eyes find Feathergaze with a glimmer of icy droplets, which Nettlepaw stubbornly refuses to let fall.
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[lichenstar]

⋆ ✧　 　 · 　 ✧ ⋆ ✧　 　 · 　 ✧ ⋆ ✧　 　 · 　 ✧ ⋆ ​

It was against better judgement to leave camp alone, especially given the current conflict with WindClan still unresolved. To see a particularly young warrior slink past the willow to leave camp had been enough to set her hackles on end- that was how she'd lost her ear, being over confident and wandering around alone. Stalking after the pale furred girl, the deputy tried to keep her paw-steps light, preferring to leave Feathergaze to her thoughts and just supervise from the sidelines...

Huddled in front of a mound of settled dirt, not long ago tilled to lay a beloved clan-mate to rest, Lichentail grows more and more aware of what she's intruded upon- her throat tightens, paws freeze awkwardly. She... was not the one to comfort something such as this. She hadn't spoken to her parents since the aftermath of the Great Battle, didn't often blink a thought of missing them; their differences of ambition had set them apart a long time ago. And what else was there to fear for, but the health of their twin, of a younger sister who had chosen to stay behind? Hazecloud now... of course... But it wasn't as if she had faced any great, personal loss.

She was not Smokestar, grieving the loss of a mate. Was not Brookpaw, suffering the burden of a missing sibling.

But it wasn't her that would be forced to step in and offer some half-hearted reassurance- StarClan had accepted Icebloom into their arms willingly, there was no point in grieving too much. She was still there... just... out of reach.

Nettlepaw's biting, bitter remarks make her ears flatten, her lips thin into a frown. It is not fair to blame the journey cats, who had been sent on a blind hunt by StarClan. It was not their claws that had torn Cicadastar limb from limb to see him join his ancestors so suddenly. "I'm sorry," they mew, sliding from their hiding spot amongst distant shadows to approach the heart-torn youths. "For every life we lost waiting, the journey cats came back to save that many more... Cicadastar did not die for their delays, he died from the greed of others."

She huffs softly, already losing traction for whatever message of reality she was trying to offer- They could grieve but displacing their anger would help no one. "Your losses may not be here with us anymore... but they are still watching. There will be a chance to see them again... Just. Don't forsake the living while pining for the dead..."

---

WELL IF YOU WANT MY BLOOD I'LL MAKE SO MUCH BLOOD

THAT YOU'RE GONNA FUCKING DROWN​

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[BEEFANG]

FIGHT SO DIRTY BUT YOU LOVE SO SWEET — Beepaw had been trying to search for a particular item while she was hunting yet she stumbles upon both cats, one of them mourning the loss of someone dear to her and the bitter words of Nettlepaw, and they sting for a moment. Salt pressed to a wound that was slowly sealing up as best as it could and the molly opens her jaws to speak to will the words out of her throat that it isn't the fault of the journey cats yet doubt silently blossoms within her at the young tom's voice and its not long until Lichentail reveals themselves to speak truth, soothe the hurt even if by a little, and drown out the uncertainity she felt. It isn't fair to put the blame on either of those that had risked their lives to get the cure to the plague that had rapidly spread throughout the clans, she doesn't want to think of the other potential losses that she could've had had they not come home at all. Her throat tightening at the thought of losing either of her siblings, Smokestar, and Moonpaw... An unimaginable agony that she's quick to push to the depths of her mind to never resurface again.

"They risked their pelts for the lungwort and we should be grateful they arrived at all." The bicolored molly said rather bluntly with a shake of her head focusing her mismatched gaze on Nettlepaw's form and her tone not as gentle as Lichentail's, Beepaw frowns continuing a soft sigh leaving her clenched jaws "Lichentail is right... We could've lost so much more than what we did." Her eyes part from her denmate to give the deputy a curt nod and feels more at ease. Greed had killed Cicadastar not the cats that had gone onto the journey, her claws dig into the ground underneath her. Had the deputy arrived later than Beepaw, she would've cuffed Nettlepaw over the ears for his biting remarks.

mentor tag @Smokestar

TALK SO PRETTY ₊· ͟͟͞͞➳˚❥ BUT YOUR HEART GOT TEETH

• 

• 
  ₊· ͟͟͞͞➳ shorthaired black smoke molly w/low white and mismatched eyes
  ₊· ͟͟͞͞➳ 5 moons old; ages the 10th every month
  ₊· ͟͟͞͞➳ sexuality unknown/too young
  ₊· ͟͟͞͞➳ currently being mentored by smokestar
  ₊· ͟͟͞͞➳ daughter of cicadastar and smokestar
  ₊· ͟͟͞͞➳ sister of cicadapaw & starlightpaw
  ₊· ͟͟͞͞➳ "speech", thoughts, attacking
  ₊· ͟͟͞͞➳ peaceful powerplay allowed

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[Feathergaze]

In open territory, Feathergaze had not expected to be alone for long. Still, her heart jumps at the sound of another's voice, her body twitching as she tries turn her head jerk into a smoother motion. Nettlepaw. Some days it still shocked the young warrior just how... well, young the new apprentices were. She herself had been an apprentice up until only a couple moons ago, and yet she was over ten moons Nettlepaw's senior. I was that young, once. I'm just not used to seeing the new apprentices anymore. As the young tom's words spew forth, they peck at Feathergaze's mental walls, searching for an opening, a weakness. A burning sensation pooled in her chest, a seething poison searching for a crevice in her heart where it could slip inside and harden her into volcanic rock. It wasn't their fault. It wasn't anybody's fault. They... They tried so hard. She knows exactly where Nettlepaw's anger is coming from, what it feels like. She's been fighting it since Icebloom was returned to the earth. It's not fair.

Nettlepaw's words echo her thoughts, and the dull ache in her heart suddenly swells, threatening to burst her hastily constructed dam. His eyes reflect her own, except the young tom's are swimming, firmly refusing to overflow. He had hardly been born yet when Icebloom had been taken. And yet through a terrible loss, the two of them shared so much pain. Many RiverClanners were now tied together through pain. Feathergaze stood, closing the distance between her and Nettlepaw with soft steps. She would lean down to press her forehead against his, hesitating should he prefer to pull away.
"It's not," she murmured, letting the hot and ugly feelings ignite in her belly and simmer for a moment. "It's not fair at all."

Feathergaze stepped back, forcing a deep and trembling breath in and flooding her lungs with icy air. She imagined the river engulfing her body, putting out the fragments of flame that threatened to burn holes in her soul. It's not fair... but it still wasn't their fault. It was just as well she had refused to give in to the heat that would boil her into a bitter husk if given the chance; Lichentail had found them, and she was not one to tolerate misplaced blame. Feathergaze lowered her eyes, feeling small before RiverClan's somewhat new deputy. They repeat what the young warrior has been trying to beat into her own head, that even though their success had taken time it was still a success that pulled many back from meeting StarClan early.

"Of course, I- You're right, Lichentail. I-I try to take comfort, knowing that she still... that all of them still watch over me, the whole clan. That there will come a day when we reunite." She squashes the overwhelming urge to tack a 'but' on the end of her compliance. There is no 'but.' You know she's right. You're just not strong enough to accept it. Beepaw's gaze is stern for a molly so young, and Feathergaze wishes with all her heart that she had her resolve. I could've lost my mother, like Nettlepaw. Or my father. Or both of them. There was always something to be grateful for, no matter how terrible things turned out to be.
"We owe the rest of our lives to the journey cats, I know. They are the reason we're okay again. I hope that... I hope that those who had to leave us are okay now."

 

[Nettlepaw-]

NETTLEPAW ♂
RIVERCLAN
APPRENTICE
THREE MOONS
BLIND IN BOTH EYES
BIOGRAPHY AND TAGS
APPRENTICED TO PIKESPLASH
PLAYED BY SHEOGORATH​

---

He doesn't expect the gesture, soft head-fur pressed against his own as the warrior dips down with shared pain. Though Nettlepaw was a stubborn and cold-shouldered tom, he doesn't pull away this time. Sometimes, it was nice to have a reminder that he wasn't alone in his grief, especially since he was so busy that he rarely had time to spend with his own brother anymore.

The sound of another drawing near prompts the tom to step back and away, sightless eyes piercing Lichentail as the deputy made her presence known. Ears flatten against his skull as blind vision shrinks to dart toward the cold ground. He should feel guilty, or perhaps even shame, but Nettlepaw doesn't. He just feels angry, even if Lichentail's words made more sense than his accusations.

StarClan, he huffs to himself with a frown, they're thieves. They take so much and give so little. Vague prophecies and life-blessed leaders, but what else? They did not provide protection nor clarity. They played the living like pawns for their amusement. They stole souls away from those who did not deserve to die.

Clouded eyes flick up from the ground to land upon Beepaw, hardening quickly. Feathergaze seems to agree that the journey cats should not be blamed. Nettlepaw can't help but wonder, though... why did the journey take so long? Surely they could have tried harder. Surely they could have saved Reedflower. If only they had been faster... Thoughts that he would not dare to voice now, in front of the deputy who had made their stance perfectly clear.

That feeling of isolation, of being alone, creeps into his heart once more, like a thorn of ice. It is a grim, sad sort of sensation, that Nettlepaw should have not a single soul in which he could trust to confide in. Sniffling, the boy says nothing else, merely casts his sightless eyes toward the the heart of the territory, before he begins his walk back toward camp.
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