our palace, fallen | DEERSONG

[ThistleBack]

He raps his knuckles on the old dry wood of a log, he’s in a tense silence as he sees Deersong. Catching up and slowly adjusting to life outside of the nursery, like a cicada emerging from the ground. A thousand whispers in his tormented head, stings radiating from the walls of his conciousness. He wasn’t the same anymore, but Deersong was returning for the spring like a blossom.

He had painted Skyclan camp with vengeful swipes of claws on a rogue’s body. Had destroyed a man, taken a life. Surely, she would not love him anymore- to that, he would bow his chin. He couldn’t, nor wouldn’t blame her. Thistleback was starting to realize, all he cared about was his family. Protecting them, fighting for them, and pushing for the success of Skyclan’s destiny. It made him ambitious, and his rank made it Machiavellian. He was hardly a simple man, with a simple life anymore.

He pushes off the log, and takes long slow steps towards his wife, tail hooked like a shephard’s staff above the ground as he reaches her. " would you be willing to walk with me, bird " his throat is dry as he speaks, his knuckles hard and coiled to support his heavy weight. His isolation and training, had only made him solid and stern. " we should… catch up " he blinks away, feeling like a block of ice in the dead of summer.

​

OOC INFO REF

• — @~Deersong~
  
  
• 
  
  
  
  Thirty-seven moons EVENT TRACKER | IMPORTANT INFO
  — Lead warrior of Skyclan since 12.22.22
  — Devoted to Deersong 9.29.22 | polyamorous
  — Father of Coyotepaw, Pricklepaw, and Eveningpaw.
  — mentoring Snowpaw graduate(s) Quillstrike
  — very muscular piebald black and white tom with spiky fur and cold silver-grey eyes.
  — voice & accent
  — biography･ﾟ✧​
  OPEN for Dice battles | stine#3004
  
• 
  
  

​

 

[~Deersong~]

( ♬ ) A gentle breeze would carry her mates' scent to her, announcing his approach before she even heard his pawsteps or his voice touched her ears. The roughness of it set a silent shiver through her spine, a sensation that both soothed her rattled nerves and caused her chest to tighten.

She had been sitting before the nursery, weaving some flowers she had found on her walk this morning into the walls of the structure. She still felt the sting of shame from what had happened earlier, when the deputy and apprentices had worked to clean the inside, so decorating the outside was the least she could do now. Deersong turned her head to slowly blink at her mate as he invited her to walk with him, to catch up, and a part of her heart seemed to deflate in relief.

Perhaps he wasn't disgusted with her after all? But when he looked away, a darker thought stabbed into her mind. What if this was him coming to tell her that he didn't love her anymore? What if this walk was just so he could break up with her in private? Her paws trembled lightly, even though she had prepared herself for this possibility the day she first left the nursery, the thought still scared her.

A soft smile would touch her lips, head tilting to the side as she cooed, "I'll always walk with you, Gem." She would rise to her paws, fighting to hide the trembling within them as she moved to follow him out into their forest. Even if this was it, even if this was the end, Deersong was determined to accept whatever it was that made her beloved happiest. As she stared at him from behind, she noted the changes, both physical and mental that she could see. The muscle that had built during the moons she was tucked away, the colder look in his silver pools from whatever killing that murderer had done to his soul.

He deserved so much more than her. So much better than her sorry self, someone strong and reliable and mentally stable enough to support him during all of this mess. Her mind drifted back to Johnny, at how Thistleback had asked him to stay the day she had left the nursery, and she wondered who else within the clan had given him the support she could not during her dark days.

Once they were far enough away, she would finally speak again, quiet and barely above her normal cooing, "I'm sorry, Thistleback..." Her throat tightened but she continued, "I'm sorry I failed you...that I failed our family, our clan...I'm sorry I was so weak." Tears pooled in her eyes, but she kept her head down, "I should have been there...for the kits apprentice ceremony. For Coyotes' return, for leaving Snowpaws' training to you...for what happened with Kuiper. You should have never shouldered any of that alone, but you did because I failed as your mate..."

She swallowed hard, stopping in her walking as she looked down at the earth beneath her paws, "You deserve so much better than what I've given you." ​

( LET YOU BREAK; MY HEART AGAIN )

 

[ThistleBack]

She’d always walk with him, she says, and Thistleback’s eyes tilt down to the soft forest floor with a slow breath. In his ears, a ringing sets in place of the silence a strange sharp thing it was as the quiet woodlands is only serenaded by the soft patter of Deersong’s footfalls and his own harsh thuds. He moved his shoulders with a slight swing of his spine, whatever ached less.

As soon as the bustle of camp fades behind them, she speaks. Barely more than a whisper, hushed pleads for forgiveness. His nose crinkles, his jaws tighten but its merely out of habit. " you didn’t fail anyone or anything " Thistleback whips his chin toward her, staring into her eyes was something he hadn’t been able to do in so long it almost made him drunk. A relapse of his affections that had been collecting dust. " the mind is a river, and we can’t swim forever " he cuts into the air, his own take on depression.

" what may bruise skin for some, may break bone for others " he adds, tuning his footsteps and not pulling away from her eyes. Her guilt, her regrets- he had stood alone during Eve’s naming ceremony, had fought the council verdict on Coyotepaw- alone and made a promise to kill him should he ever turn-coat, and was now training her former apprentice. Alone was never a thing that affected him, he had begun life that way- and though he was trying to end his life surrounded by loved ones, he’d accept whatever he got.

Kuiper’s name rings and a visible quake echo in the bridge of his spine, his lips twitch and his eyes immediately snap away because the vision of his mauling stings the back of his eyes. " I’ve always been alone Deersong. I never expected anything, I never wanted you to have to deal with my weight. So- there’s nothing to apologize for and you never failed me " he assures her but his voice is low.

" I did feel numb. I wondered everyday when you’d come out. But- when I was a kid, I wondered everyday when my parents would come look for me. There’s a point where you stop wondering, and accept the fact that you’re a bastard. " it’s tinged with humor, dark as it was. " I had them fix up your nest in the warriors den " he pauses to settle on a patch of soft grass and flowers, smashing several with the weight of his side.

​

OOC INFO REF

• —
  
  
• 
  
  
  
  Thirty-seven moons EVENT TRACKER | IMPORTANT INFO
  — Lead warrior of Skyclan since 12.22.22
  — Devoted to Deersong 9.29.22 | polyamorous
  — Father of Coyotepaw, Pricklepaw, and Eveningpaw.
  — mentoring Snowpaw graduate(s) Quillstrike
  — very muscular piebald black and white tom with spiky fur and cold silver-grey eyes.
  — voice & accent
  — biography･ﾟ✧​
  OPEN for Dice battles | stine#3004
  
• 
  
  

​

 

[~Deersong~]

( ♬ ) She would listen in silence, face hidden from view as her mate spoke and when he was finished she would slide out her claws and dig them into the earth, her paw and legs trembling from the pressure. "No." She would hiss, a low and pained noise that only enhanced the devastated look she now threw at him, "Just because you're used to it does NOT mean it's right!" Her half-tail would lash, tears of anger now prickling at her eyes as she continued, "Am I your mate...or aren't I?"

The question was asked with a trembling voice, her eyes searching his expression as if she hoped she could find the answer. "Because if I am, then that means I'm supposed to support you as you support me. It's not supposed to be a one-sided effort!" She would pad up to him then, trying to catch his molten silver gaze with her own aqua, "I don't care what you think about yourself. I love you, Thistleback. You and our kits are my everything. It's why I feel so horrible. It's why I need to apologize for failing all of you as I did. Because it was wrong."

The anger in her eyes slowly started to dim, being replaced with something unreadable but saddening nonetheless. "I never meant for you to deal with everything alone. I wanted to be the best mate I could be to you because I believe that's what you deserve. It is what you deserve, Gem. Even if you don't think you do."

Deersong swallowed hard again, looking down at the crushed flowers beneath his paws as she whimpered, "I know...I'm gonna sound like a jive-turkey saying this, Chompers...but please...don't push me away. Let me fix my mistakes to you...to our kits....give me another chance...please..."

She had heard what he said about her nest, but she wondered if he was just trying to placate her, to drive her attention away from blaming herself, for letting the darkness in her mind win, but this...this nonchalant attitude towards how she isolated herself...was it genuine? Did it really not bother him that they had been apart for so long? The darkness in her mind would cackle as it hummed softly in her mind as if toying with the idea that she was correct.

That perhaps he had brought her out here to let her down easily after all. ​

( LET YOU BREAK; MY HEART AGAIN )

 

[ThistleBack]

Her vocals tear into his ears, whip his attention back toward her with a quick swing of his maw. Am I your mate, or aren’t I?, he doesn’t answer- she’s making a painful point of her truths. She’s blaming herself, and he had urged that he was used to it. Those things mixed as well as oil and water. She was finally a stoked flame, for so long she had been a choked ember. He almost wanted to keep her angry, it was the most alive he’d seen her the past few moons.

I love you, he hadn’t heard it in so long, but he feels his nicked ears swing back as she keeps speaking. Her fire begins to dim, her eyes cracked vases of aquatic green and blue. His nickname falls from her lips, she asks of him- another chance, to not push her away. Thistleback had been quiet, the whole time just staring in silence.

" Deersong, I’m not pushing you away. I love you too. Always have, always will. You’re the first love of my life " he reaches a paw forth and presses it to her cheek before bringing his scarred head to touch to hers. " I’ve just been dormant. Like… flowers in winter. I don’t know how to- explain to you how I feel. " he admits, glancing to the side.

His brow ticks over his eyes in a pensive crinkle, " Ever since I killed Kuiper, it’s playing in my mind. Over and over. The looks on everyone's faces. Every life I’ve taken until now, has taken a piece of me with it. I say I don’t deserve something, it’s true. Doesn’t mean I’ll stop loving you- and I’ll die protecting you and our family with my every breath until my last. " he speaks softly through a rasp, eyes a bit unfocused as he lets her in if but a bit. His mental state, a rabid dog chained at the legs.

" I’m a killer. I’m doing what I can to prepare myself for my afterlife. I’m not going to Starclan, Deersong. " his voice wavers, his life is flashing behind his eyes. " I want to- " his lungs make his voice quiver.

​

OOC INFO REF

• —
  
  
• 
  
  
  
  Thirty-seven moons EVENT TRACKER | IMPORTANT INFO
  — Lead warrior of Skyclan since 12.22.22
  — Devoted to Deersong 9.29.22 | polyamorous
  — Father of Coyotepaw, Pricklepaw, and Eveningpaw.
  — mentoring Snowpaw graduate(s) Quillstrike
  — very muscular piebald black and white tom with spiky fur and cold silver-grey eyes.
  — voice & accent
  — biography･ﾟ✧​
  OPEN for Dice battles | stine#3004
  
• 
  
  

​

 

[~Deersong~]

( ♬ ) Her loves' words brought more tears to her eyes, but they had transformed to ones of relief. As he touched her cheek she shivered, eyes closing as she melted into his closeness, his scent washing over her and shooing the dark cackling voice away. He still loved her. He was still her Gem. She presses against him, returning the affectionate gesture eagerly until he turned his head away again.

She remains quiet as he continues, as he tries to explain to her what he's been going through since her self-isolation. She had known when she heard that her mate had taken a life, that it would haunt him far worse than he would ever let on, and looking at his face now sent an arrow of sympathy through her chest.

She would extend her paw now, mimicking his earlier gesture and turning his head to face her as she spoke softly, "Taking a life isn't an easy thing, Gem. No matter the reason." She shook her head, "But I wouldn't call you a killer. Not in the sense that you're using it anyway." Her head would tilt as she hummed thoughtfully, "Killers thrive on the lives they take, revel in it and want to do it again. That's not you."

Her half-tail moved as if it was trying to wrap around him but not quite reaching, "You did what you believed was right to avenge those Kuiper took from us. I won't say I was happy to hear what happened, but I'll never condemn you for it, and any cat who does is just blind to how devoted you are to Skyclan."

She frowns at his next words, how he doesn't believe he will go to Starclan and she appears thoughtful for several heartbeats, staring at him before her whimsical smile returned to her maw, and the glow in her eyes was nothing but sheer devotion and stubbornness, "Well, if they don't let you in, then I guess I won't go there either." ​

( LET YOU BREAK; MY HEART AGAIN )