*+:｡.｡ Orchidpaw felt a sudden stab of...something...in his stomach when her look of surprise quickly shifted to a calm, professional regard.
Was it resentment? No, that wouldn't make any sense. He'd come to her seeking a leader, not a mother, for it would be Orange
star who had the authority to change his name.
Then was it guilt? He was, after all, using a potential path of favoritism to get him what he wanted. But, no...Perhaps any leader would've granted him his wish, though. Yes, surely they would have - he didn't need to add more to his manipulation charges.
Was it fear?
Changing his name felt to Orchidpaw was like choosing to finally start swimming. He didn't know what was up or down, only that there was no pressure difference or air bubbles to help him find the surface. It was just him, suffocation, and the choice to sit in it or try and swim free. He picked what felt like up. This...this felt like a way up.
And though he had enough self-awareness to understand that there was a fifty-fifty chance he might've just sealed his fate to bury himself
deeper well...let's pretend he didn't. Fake it until it's true.
So, no, he wasn't scared that he was making a big decision like this before his leader. If he were actually scared, he would've gone out of his way to talk to his mom about it, first. But he wasn't speaking to his mom. He was speaking to his leader.
And he would speak to her with
certainty.
He blinks the smile back into his hazel eyes and accepts his leader's invitation to sit closer. He wouldn't insult her by keeping away, though he has to bite his cheek to keep the stiffness out of his muscles. Since he'd...
paused in his grooming routine for a while, he's become hyper-aware of how rough his pelt has gotten. Like so much else, he hoped she didn't notice it.
The silence between them feels heavy. He could practically taste every layer of sunlight tic away into the horizon. Time felt so fleeting while waiting to find out if your chosen path was
up or
down.
Don't think about it.
His gaze shifts from his paws up to her, studying the way she seems to prepare every word behind her tongue without moving a muscle. When was the last time he'd sat this close to his mom? Ignoring the itch in his fur, he shifts as though he'd just discovered he'd sat on an uncomfortable rock - an excuse to move a little closer before the story starts. He focuses on her fur. On her warmth. And he focuses as hard as he can on sunsets, and swimming - blue things and gold things. Absolutely anything besides how much he loves the stable ochre beneath his paws. How he'll know exactly where
down is when it's taken from him.
He breathes in her story like it's his first breath of air. Imagine a world where he was Fawnkit - Fawnpaw, now. If he was Robinkit, Robinpaw currently. The names were sweet but felt otherworldly. The idea of being Owlpaw's twin was a nice one, but he appreciated his parent's decision. He could protect her better as an individual, and he'd feel stronger doing so without a prey's name. Perhaps those were biased thoughts, though. Maybe nothing about him would've changed even if he'd been given Fawn- or Robin- as a name. Perhaps...he still would've found his way right back to this moment. Fawnpaw asking for a name change. Robinpaw unable to withstand the colors.
"
Orchidkit was Ashenclaw's suggestion"
There was no hiding the way Orchidpaw stiffened at the mention of his dad's name. If eye colors could scream, he knew the green in his would be wailing. He blinks hard, ignoring the sting of it. But against his will, he imagines his mother's story taking life.
His dad, large and powerful and
undefeatable, padding on soft viridescent grass as he spots jade leaves swaying in the wind; an orchid flower waving hello. He wonders if his dad waved back. If his dad had plucked it and presented it to his mom. If his dad hadn't thought twice about the encounter, and only mentioned it in the spur of the moment when Fawn- and Robin- didn't quite fit their little boy, warmed between their paws. Or if he'd looked upon that wiggly child, too young to know of the uncertainties to come, and knew exactly who this boy of his was meant to be.
Maybe Orchidpaw would know if he'd asked him about it.
"
I should've asked him" he mumbles wretchedly, sucking in a breath and tasting only inky water for his trouble.
Are you sure you want to start over?
How else would he find his way back up?
"
Cool story, but it kinda proves my point, doesn't it?" he waves a paw and disperses his thoughts as easily as one grabs a struggling swan by the jugular. "
I'm neither soft nor delicate nor" he feels the itch in his fur, glances down at it, and promptly laughs again, "
Well, I could be prettier, I guess"
"
Whatever it was Dad saw, he was wrong, so if it's not too much trouble"
He smiles, like his fur doesn't itch, his paws don't wish to pace, and his eyes don't sting. Because they don't. They never did. Say it enough and it has to become true.
"
I want a new name"
Say it enough...and it has to become true.
-
-
GENERAL:
♔ Orchidpaw
♔ DFAB— He/Him — Unsure
♔ 11 moons — Ages 1 moon every month 28th
♔ Skyclan — Apprentice
♔ Son of Orangeblossom and Ashenclaw
♔ Brother to Cherrypaw, Eggpaw, Glimmerpaw
COMBAT:
♔Physically medium | mentally medium
♔ Attack in bold #bf8924
injuries: None currently
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