backwritten pouring my heart out to a stranger | hazecloud

[robinheart]

In… Out… I-In.. Out-t-t…. I-..

She sputters a choked sob, gasping at the clench of her chest as lungs struggle to maintain a calm flow. It hurts. Physically, mentally, emotionally. It hurts! Like a curse lifted from Brookstorm’s lifeless chest and nestled in Robinheart’s in its stead. Is this how she was to keep on living? Only a sunset and sunrise has passed since StarClan took her mate from her and yet it feels so much longer.

Newborns squeak their displeasure at their mother’s trembling sobs. They don’t know any better. They don’t know the weight of loss. They cannot hear or understand the what ifs plaguing their mother’s mind as she delegates her energy towards crying and trying to care for them. What if I had never let her leave my side? What if I had never made her feel like she had to fix us? What if… I had never forgiven her? Fallen in love with her?

Would she still be alive?

She’s so lost in her dark thoughts and breathless sobs that she barely registers a smoky paw gently resting upon her shoulder; a soft and concerned face peering at her. “H-How? How d-did you keep them a-away? … The ‘what ifs’ and guilt?” The questions spill out of her maw without thought… without tact. As soon as they are spoken her ears fall flat against her head and she feels another torrent of tears roll down heavily stained cheeks. “I-I… sorry… s-sorry I-I shouldn’t m-make you th-think about him,” she blubbers in quick apology, wishing to backpedal - to take it back - as she had no right to bring Hazecloud down with her.

@hazecloud ​

[ penned by kerms ]​

 

[hazecloud]

—————————————————————⊰✿⊱————————————————————
It is unfair and cruel, the gifts that life bring at the cost of heartache. Give and take, give and take. The bell swung back and forth with each milestone made and Robinheart's had swung quickly into the other direction after her kittens were born. Brookstorm hadn't been given much time at all to see her kits, the love the family she had created before succumbing to the aftermath of her drowning.

The nursery was fit with many queens of unspoken sires and widows. Hazecloud struggled not to feel uncomfortable by the fact, though they all got to have healthy children at the price. The stars had settled her blessings in reverse.

While Robinheart grieved and processed the loss of her mate, Hazecloud helped where she could for the fidgeting newborns. She gently touched the other queen as her breath quickened to the point of distressing her kits, an effort to help Robinheart climb down from the ledge. She's met with an unsurprising question, how, but before she could answer Robinheart tried to retreat from it.

"It's fine, it's fine." Hazecloud tried her best to reassure. Not very long ago, Snowflakekit had been a topic she avoided entirely. Shame had been the only feeling that stirred when she thought of him, a failure to thrive when she had worked so hard to do everything right. Lichenstar had set on a different path of recovery and, through treacherous bouts of falling into old patterns, had grown to converge their methods of recovering from the loss.

"It's nice to think about him now... But it took a long time." Hazecloud is quiet enough that her own kits may not overhear, though she doubted it possible with the squeals of these kittens below her. She didn't want them to know, not yet, how much it took to love the kitten she never got to meet.

"It took moons, Robinheart. I would have rather gone on the journey ten times over than ever feel that again but... The sun still has to rise in the morning and the moon pulls in the night. Every day. No matter what happens below." Hazecloud sighed as she helped Rivuletkit face her mothers belly instead of gnawing on Algaekit's ear. "We are lucky to have time. Time lets us move through the grieving, grow past the pain. You can think about the hundreds of things that could have been changed or prevented, but eventually... you run out. One morning you'll look at your kits, you'll see Brookstorm in them, and that won't be such a bad thing to see."

✿ ———— I'll be your regular mama ✿ ————— And I'll put that gun away

•  
• 
  
  
  Hazecloud
  —⊰⋅ Queen of RiverClan
  —⊰⋅ She/Her
  "SPEECH", 'THOUGHTS', ATTACK
  —⊰⋅ LH blue smoke with green eyes.
  

​

 

[robinheart]

Like a troubled child she is hushed and soothed, reassured of her feelings and not made to feel irrational in hastily spoken questions. The tears still darken her features but her ears tilt forward ever so slightly. Hazecloud murmurs a truth she keeps close to her chest; a sentiment not yet shared with kittens who may not understand. Robinheart wants to ask how much time it took, as if she could mark down a metaphorical date where her grief would magically disappear. It seems Hazecloud knows, is perceptive of inquiry, or has already recited such sentiments before to grieving mothers.

‘It took moons, Robinheart.’

Moons. Indeterminate amounts of time. For a moment her spirit is further crushed. This pain would cling to her for moons, these thoughts plaguing her for moons. But she wises up enough to keep listening - to not retreat into grief hardened shell. It’s for the best she does lest she miss the older queen’s resounding promise. It’ll hurt for a long time, but there will be an end. Hazecloud is living proof; gentle enough to adjust squirming kits while opening her heart to the broken tortoiseshell. “Time does not feel so lucky right now,” she cracks, warbled and weak, citrine eyes flooded as they shift from the older queen to the newborns at her belly. “But… a-at least she gave me them.” Pieces of Brookstorm to fill her absence. Not a perfect substitute but Hazecloud did help Robinheart to realize that one day she’ll see parts of her mate in their children. And that wouldn’t be a bad thing.

A choked sob bubbles up once more, not entirely bitter in taste, and Robinheart leans forward to bump her forehead against Hazecloud. “Thank you,” she whimpers, wanting to find more words but struggling to do so. Perhaps a ‘thank you’ would be enough though. A once grieved, still could be grieving, mother would understand.​

[ penned by kerms ]​