private QUI VIVRA VERRA ₊˚✩彡 LUPINEPAW

[CROWSIGHT]

It was only a matter of time really. He was never going to hide this completely, he just didn't expect to be caught this soon. The day starts of as usual, his mentor fetches him and they begin another day of training. Again, this is nothing out of the ordinary. He and Silversmoke is not an uncommon sight especially when they are going over battle training. Despite the fact that Crowpaw wishes for his mentor to focus on hunting for the remaining moons they have together, it seems the extra focus of battle is coming to use given they'll be fighting rogues soon enough. Ever since that day he requested his mentor to take up the role of his father, things have been much better. There are even moments where Silversmoke surprises him. He thinks back to Marmaladepaw and how his father despite not wanting to touched by a stranger offered to take his place and gave him words of advice. As the moons pass he is more certain that the request he made was correct.

Although, there is a catch in all this. His own relationship with his actual kin is dreadful to say the least. While Lupinepaw is met with glares and avoidance, he is unable to escape her. They sleep and wake up in the same den for crying out loud! As for Bobbie it is so much easier to avoid her altogether. He finds himself more at peace, which happens to haunt him this particular day. How you ask? It's quite simple.

The black tom is unaware that Lupinepaw is near with their own mentor while he goes over some battle techniques. He is dutiful, nothing the improvements he could make to his form due to his father's harsh words. That's not to say he let's Silversmoke get away with it, he glares at them in warning and sure enough his father knows that he's crossed a line. Should he decide to continue this path, his son will disobey. When limbs are sore and breaths are haggared this is where they transition to strategy talks. It ends when Silversmoke offers a rare smile, causing Crowpaw to throw caution to the wind. He moves closer to his mentor beaming with happiness and chuckling, "Better watch out dad! I'll be taking that lead warrior position of yours!" Mind you that Lupinepaw is witnessing this all unfold. How her brother laughs while Silversmoke huffs and lightly cuffs him. Why is it that her brother, the one she thought was lost is present? Present to someone she dislikes of all cats.

Unaware of his fatal error, the black tom would whine, "Come oooonnn. It was a joke, y'know. Besides, I don't want your job. I still have to become the strongest warrior ever, right pa?" The grave is already dug at this point, all it's missing is a body. In any case, Silversmoke is pleased for the day and dismisses him to go rest or do whatever he pleased. As such he leaves in high spirits. If only it would last. Rapid paw steps approaching have him whipping his head to face... Lupinepaw? Confusion turns into indifference. Don't bother me, I'm busy.

‧₊˚✩彡 nothing compares to the fever dream

• @LUPINEPAW
• — crowpaw / skyclan apprentice / masculine pronouns / 9 moons
  — undecided / single / not looking / open to flirting and crushes
  — long haired black smoke with hazel eyes with polydactyly
  — may powerplay minor harm / can powerplay healing
  — biography / @ on discord for plots
  — penned by velou

​

 

[LUPINESONG]

❀‿ Lupinepaw has nothing to apologize for.

If Crowpaw wanted to waste his energy pouting and huffing over whatever it was he thought she was taking away from him (or whatever he was mad about, she hardly remembered what their original fight was about), that was his prerogative. She had plenty to worry about beside a disgruntled sibling that insisted he didn't want anything to do with their family.

Her training is going about as well as it usually does—which is to say that it's going badly. Perhaps her weak swipes and halfhearted lunges could be attributed to the heavy veil of devastation weighing upon the clan drawn by the loss of Blazestar, or perhaps this was only today's excuse, another to be added to a long list of reasoning for her poor progress in combat training. She does not look in the direction of Silversmoke nor his apprentice, even as she feels her belt burn with familiar embarrassment when she makes an awkward step during an evasive maneuver. Lupinepaw twitches her ears and ignores the chattering behind her as she repeats the swipe-and-spin maneuver again and again, finally arriving on a wavery success.

"Can we-, take a-, small break please?" She asks Dandelionwish, out of breath and leaning on her heels for a moment. Her claws flex into the cold ground beneath her paws, and unwillingly, images of fur beneath Bobbie's claws flit into her mind's eye. Fur and blood. And she remembers Drowsypaw's anguish, and wandering into camp behind the troupe of mourners, Lupinepaw not carrying her mother into the medicine den, but Falconpaw instead. She mostly remembers crying, or trying not to cry but doing it anyways, and feeling so lost and then being held and comforted by those friends who cared for her.

And then she remembers Crowpaw looking at her in the eyes and speaking to her like she was someone he cared about, and she wonders if she was mistaken... It had to be wishful thinking, because for the past four moons her brother had not treated her with anything warmer than frost-covered dismissal, and she was just being a soft-hearted sap to mistake his words for genuine sentiment. She remembered again... and found in her memory that he held nothing in his eyes for her but pity. Pity. That's all it was.

Tufty black ears twitch backward once more and she hears it, "Better watch out dad! I'll be taking that lead warrior position of yours!"

Huh.

She whirls around, the warring trash-medley of residual embarrassment, anxiety, devastation, and anger swirling through her veins and sparking in her paws. Lupinepaw storms up to that familiar smokey black pelt and doesn't bother to entertain a greeting other than, "Are you serious?!"

He really wanted nothing to do with them. He was really doing it. He was abandoning them all. She thinks she hates him for it.

"There's no cat in the forest as selfish as you are, Crowpaw," She says instead, hoping enough coldness is injected into her words, that she seemed more like an ice storm than a tornado of hurt feelings and betrayal.

NOBODY YET EVERYTHING ⊹₊°❀‿ A POOL TO SHED YOUR MEMORY

• OOC:
• 
• 
  — lupinekit . lupinepaw
  — trans she/her. 10mo apprentice of skyclan. mentored by dandelionwish, padding after falconpaw
  — bobbie x duke. littermate to crowpaw & drowsypaw
  — a tall, pretty, long-haired black smoke with low white and green eyes
  — smells like sweet lupine flowers and young pine needles
  — "speech", thoughts, attack
  — fullbody by pikaihao and chibi by rae
  — penned by eezy

​

 

[CROWSIGHT]

Flummoxed he is. What the heck's wrong with her?! Aside from that moment they shared where he comforted her as best as he could, things didn't change much. For the past four moons he had avoided her and was nothing but cold if forced to interact with her, such actions had become habit. Unintentionally he has caused her pain with one action.

"There's no cat in the forest as selfish as you are, Crowpaw,"

And that's what sets him off. All he sees is red and pure frustration and hate is throw her way, "ME?! SELFISH?!" The black tom takes a step forward and snarls "That's rich coming from you!" A black paw stamps the ground with an audible thud, akin to those days of kithood where Crowkit would stamp his paws and throw a tantrum. "You wanna know what's selfish? As soon as we became apprentices what did Bobbie do? Huh? SHE LEFT US! She practically rushed to be a warrior and leave us behind. Oh, Crowpaw she talked to me. OF COURSE, YOU'RE HER FAVORITE! You wanna know something?! Not once. Not fucking once did she come see me or say hey Crowpaw lets catch up. How is training? How do you feel? Zilch, nothing. And then when I try to talk to her?! Guess what, she's running off with Blazestar or talking to you or Drowsy. I'm always the last one to know anything!"

It doesn't stop there. "Oh! And you know when we both got sick? She didn't even check on me or tell me everything was going to be okay. Wanna know what hurt the most Lupinepaw? Cherrypaw and I were best friends. We were very close and then what happens? She kicked me to the curb for you. Don't think I didn't see her talking to you while were both in the medicine cat den. Both of you looked real happy. Did neither of you consider that I would've killed for some company? No. No you didn't and you still don't. I lost my best friend to you and I can't do anything about it!" All she cares about is you. She didn't even say goodbye and when she returned with Bobbie she only had eyes for you. The memories still sting. It was bad enough that he lost his mother, but even his most treasured friend?

"Then Bobbie had to go. I don't care if the clan says she's a hero for bringing back a cure. All I wanted was my mom. Why didn't she stay? Didn't she care enough to stay with us? It's not like she had to go there were plenty other cats who could've gone. Course... She choses to abandon us and go play hero. I thought she was bad enough being a warrior but when she got her fancy new title, I was wrong. She became worse! Glued to Blazestar's hips and they became mates. I don't know why I was stupid enough to believe I even mattered in the first place!"

I hate her, I hate her, I hate her, I HATE HER! "At first, y'know I went, I have to be happy for mom she has a new boyfriend and all. Turns out, I can't be! Both of them are adults but they were so fucking selfish! DO THEY KNOW WHO THEY HURT?! WOULD IT HAVE KILLED THEM TO JUST ASK?! But nooooo, our kids will understand and be happy for us, yeah right. NOT ME!" He's crossed into dangerous territory. Blazestar's death was still so fresh, Bobbie recovering from her injuries, and the news that she was carrying their former leader's kits. Saliva trails down his chin, fangs are bared. He's been holding in all this anguish for so long that it manifests itself in such an ugly way.

"I don't want anything to do with Bobbie. She's not my mother. She abandoned me as soon as she became a warrior. She only cared about you, drowsy, and her new boyfriend. And now her new kits. I'll never consider them kin ever by the way. You didn't know how lucky you had it. You don't have to fight for attention or do anything. She just gave it to you. No questions asked. Everyone loves you." I did too. Something wet and hot runs down his cheek and his rant stops only for a moment. Only for a moment before he brings a quivering paw to his cheek to see that he was crying. It's shameful. Disgusting. Pathetic. Everything he strived not to be. "I wanted to be like you know. Back then before this. If I was like you, then I would actually matter. You didn't even have to change." They were just kids. Kids who've been through horrors no kid should go through and the adult figures around weren't the best in navigating through those feelings. Especially his mentor Silversmoke. He tries he does and he appreciates it, but emotionally draining talks were never his strong suit.

Now all he's left with is emptiness. He swipes his face with his paw to rid himself of any tears. "Did you even ask what I wanted? Not that it matters anyway I gave up on it a long time ago. All I wanted was for all of us to be a happy family. Where we all eat together and laugh. Where no one gets left behind." Hazel eyes narrow, "There's always a villain, right? Fine. Silversmoke treats me like family. More than any of you have and he actually cares. He asks me how I am. He notices when I'm uncomfortable and tells me he can take my place, even though he isn't comfortable with it either. Even when I'm nothing but a pain for him, he never gives up on me. He knows my dream and supports me in any way he can. He's... My dad and I love him." It's out there now. Everything.

All of his truths have been exposed for all to hear. He no longer cares what Lupinepaw thinks of him anymore. It appears like they'll be enemies for the rest of time. If that's the case then it will sting, but it wont kill him. It won't kill him like the first time his mother so happily padded off to the warriors den. It won't kill him like Cherrypaw slowly drifting away from him and forgetting about him in favor of Lupinepaw. Yes, it will hurt. There's still a small part of him that cares for Lupinepaw and will rush to protect her from danger. What happened during the return was not fake. There was no pity. He genuinely cared for her. However, he's always been misunderstood. He's prepared to be nothing but the most selfish cat she's ever known. Someone she has the misfortune of being related to. You'll forget about me. Everyone does in the end.

‧₊˚✩彡 nothing compares to the fever dream

• Surprise tag for @Dandelionwish and @SILVERSMOKE if they would like to participate! No pressure whatsoever to reply
• — crowpaw / skyclan apprentice / masculine pronouns / 10 moons
  — undecided / single / not looking / open to flirting and crushes
  — long haired black smoke with hazel eyes with polydactyly
  — may powerplay minor harm / can powerplay healing
  — biography / @ on discord for plots
  — penned by velou

​

 

[SILVERSMOKE]

For the humourless tom, his apprentice's joke had landed like a boulder. A long time ago, he had promised to be a father figure to help Crowpaw focus on his training. It had worked and so, the uneasy moniker between them stuck, not as a joke, but as something that helped the smoke overcome challenges in battle - his stance compared to Lupinepaw's gave him all the evidence he needed. As the Lead Warrior turned to leave, he heard a voice pierce his ears, icicles compared to the warmth he had expected between siblings. He whipped his head around, about to chew Lupinepaw out for the uncalled comment when something seemed to erupt in his apprentice. Silversmoke took a step forward when Crowpaw did, claws unsheathed, prepared to wrestle him off of his sister if it came to it. The only violence (apart from to the poor floor), came with words, words that not even his strong voice could speak over without being drowned by the anger the apprentice showed. No... anger wasn't the right word, it was more like frustration, a feeling that built and built and built until the body couldn't take anymore and needed to snap. But... why had it been Lupinepaw's words that broke that dam?

There was so much that the Lead Warrior's brain could not catch up, topics of abandonment and false friendships filled his thoughts and then became replaced with disownment and the Journey before he could compute what each one meant to the smoke. There's only some clarity when the other uses his name, calls him real family compared to Bobbie and Lupinepaw and finally, the spotted tabby has heard all he can. "Crowpaw, that's enough," he warned snappily, ears flat against his skull, pupils narrowed into slits. This was not a fight he should've been involved in, a matter between families should have stayed between families, but his apprentice had dragged him into it and now the Lead Warrior could see red creeping in his vision. He wouldn't defend Bobbie, he'd never agreed with her being chosen for the journey when her kits had been as young as they were (the Code, in hindsight, would agree with him), but to write her and the rest of them off in a temper tantrum was too sudden... too him. The thought left ashes in his throat that caused him to stagger to speak - how much had his own attitude influenced this?

Thoughts lingered on Chrysaliswing, how hateful the chimera was as if his own dislike for Daylight Warriors had been twisted and turned into something uglier. Chrys had been angry before, Crowpaw? Crowpaw was new, molded by a tough environment, now, broken down by it. "We're going to Fireflypaw, now." His tail lashed furiously behind him, unkinder suggestions batted away by the gesture. Lupinepaw and Dandelionwish faded into the corners of his eyes as he glared at Crowpaw, the promise of a held-back warriorhood on the cusp of his tongue should the boy's ire turn on him. "You are going to tell him your problems and how you are feeling, and he is going to give you advice." Therapy with Dawnglare was out of the question, seeking the tom for anything emotional would turn the statement into 'Therapy because of Dawnglare'. Fireflypaw had a level enough head to speak to his apprentice, perhaps had walked in Crowpaw's paws once upon a time too, with Blazestar's affections split between two creatures. "Lupinepaw, you are coming too." There were issues here he was unprepared to deal with, only a healer could try and seal the wounds, not with a poultice, but with understanding that the bristling figure would never have.





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[LUPINESONG]

❀‿ There is some cold satisfaction to be had in watching Crowpaw stomp his paws and descend into rage before her eyes. She collects herself as he assaults her with his words; lips pursing, chin lifting, eyes narrowing. He was embarrassing himself, and her by association, but she held on to her composure to keep herself from bursting into a fit alongside him.

"You're throwing a tantrum, Crowpaw. Like a baby," She says, matter-of-fact. What did he expect? Did he truly want Bobbie to stay in camp all day fretting over him? It was only natural for her to move on to become a full-fledged warrior after her kits moved out of the nursery, and even if she had wanted to stay a queen, Skyclan's queens had their own set of responsibilities to keep them busy through the day. He goes on and on about being abandoned and she wonders if he'd ever considered the fact that Lupinepaw might've been lonely too. But she had enough consideration to make an effort to maintain a connection or two, and to not take their mother's brief moons of distraction as a personal offense so unforgivable it warranted disownment. "If you really think that about Mom, you never loved her in the first place," she sniffed. Crowpaw wanted her to be miserable, Lupinepaw was convinced. He didn't want her to fall in love, or to become a full-fledged warrior, or to have the courage to go on a journey to help save them all. How could he watch her go through everything she went through and think that any of his problems mattered in comparison? He was selfish. Like a baby.

"And don't bring Cherrypaw into this," she said frostily, "I never took anything away from you, the only one you have to blame for not having everything you think you want is yourself. Silversmoke's your mentor, you don't have a dad. You just have us, sorry if you hate it so much."

Silversmoke comes in to snap at his apprentice, and Lupinepaw staggers back with a burning face, realizing then just how loud he'd been in front of everyone. She nearly retreats to face Dandelionwish again, humiliated and probably lower in his mind than she'd ever been before, but the bristling Lead Warrior is suddenly addressing her too. He's making them go talk to Fireflypaw, for some reason, and his tone of voice leaves no room for argument.

This is ridiculous. I didn't even do anything!

CHANGE, LIKE THE SKY, ⊹₊°❀‿ LIKE THE LEAVES, LIKE A BUTTERFLY.

• OOC:
• 
• 
  — lupinekit . lupinepaw
  — trans she/her. 10mo apprentice of skyclan. mentored by dandelionwish, padding after falconpaw
  — bobbie x duke. littermate to crowpaw & drowsypaw
  — a tall, pretty, long-haired black smoke with low white and green eyes
  — smells like sweet lupine flowers and young pine needles
  — "speech", thoughts, attack
  — fullbody by pikaihao and funnyguy by pin
  — penned by eezy

​

 

[CROWSIGHT]

As if to further prove her point, he stamps the ground once more. SO WHAT?! The black tom's nose and whisker's twitch at her moronic statement. Him? Not love his mother? "You're so stupid! Lupinepaw that's the dumbest thing you've ever said in your whole life! Of course I loved her!" Who cried for mom the most?! If I never loved mom then why... Why when she came back after getting hurt by dogs did we all run and wail at her all bloody and busted? He doesn't understand. The love that Lupinepaw and Crowpaw speak of are two different things. No, they are two different things. Two beasts that screech and claw at each other because that is all they can do. They've lost the ability to understand each other long ago.

He says nothing in regards to Cherrypaw, a huff his only indication of displeasure. She tells him it's his fault. That everything he wants can never be obtained all because of him. To add insult to injury, she tells him that what he wants is horrendous. That he thinks he wants it. That even if he wants to treasure some cheap toy, it can never be because he is that horrendous. His anger dissipates and he stares at Lupinepaw blankly. Even as she claws Silversmoke away from him as a father with words alone. Taking away the notion of a father when he knows their father. Their real one. Bobbie has told him moons ago of that tom. Then, she speaks of apologies.

An empty vessel. That's what he appears before Lupinepaw. I think... I get it now. I'm just like you dad. "Your apologies are accepted. Although, Lupinep-," he jumps and fur stands on end when Silversmoke snaps at him. Immediately his jaw snaps shut, as he's getting reprimanded. With each reprimand he lowers himself so he's practically kissing the ground. Fireflypaw? Why? He looks up and once again quickly darts his attention to the ever interesting dirt. I guess it could be worse. Like picking ticks from the elders. Fireflypaw is nice, so this should be good. Well, not too good either, but not bad bad.

"H-huh?! But! You just said Fireflypaw and I were going to..." He's talked to Fireflypaw alone before and the pair were close. The older tom shared similar feelings and he was more than happy to talk to him regardless even without orders to do so, but that was just him and Fireflypaw. Just the two of them! His face burns with a mixture of frustration and embarrassment. You gotta be kidding me! Oh, how he wishes the ground beneath his paws swallowed him whole at this point. Even with his outburst, he knew better. If Silversmoke turned again to reprimand him, there was no need. The boy was looking down at his paws, tail tucked between his legs, and ears pinned down. No better than a kit who received a scolding. Accepting their fate, but dismayed towards the punishment.

Black paws start walking towards Silversmoke, daring not to look up. He knew better. And because he knew better, he would raise his head enough to look back at Lupinepaw who seemed to be upset that Silversmoke ordered her to speak with Fireflypaw as well. Together. Dandelionwish while a warrior doesn't have much power in this conversation, considering Silversmoke is a lead warrior and outranks all of them here. "...Let's just go." There's no use in arguing about it. This is going to be the worst. He doesn't offer much anything else. Opting to draw closer towards Silversmoke, keeping a tail length distance between them. A long march home this was going to be for sure. The only saving grace is Fireflypaw who has always been kind to him.

‧₊˚✩彡 nothing compares to the fever dream

• — crowpaw / skyclan apprentice / masculine pronouns / 10 moons
  — undecided / single / not looking / open to flirting and crushes
  — long haired black smoke with hazel eyes with polydactyly
  — may powerplay minor harm / can powerplay healing
  — biography / @ on discord for plots
  — penned by velou

​