private SELFNESS ♥︎ BUTTERFLYTUFT

[DOEBLAZE]

She can feel her limbs trembling beneath her as she approaches Butterflytuft in one of the rare moments of peace in the nursery.

It's silly, really; Butterflytuft, of all cats, is hardly going to confront her. But looking the tortoiseshell in the eye and thanking her is just another reminder—like Candorkit asking everyone else about his father, like the little shock every time she sees one of her kits, nearly her own size, like the way Crowsight turns his face away when one of the kits trots up—of what she has done. Or, really, what she has not.

She has not been a good mother. That had been her one job, her one duty, her one promise she'd made to herself and to the memory of her mate—and she had failed. Failed spectacularly, even, not even been a mother but practically a nonentity, that tawny lump of fur that shared a nest with her kits and, maybe, once in a while, ventured out to play a game or tell a story. And it had been Butterflytuft who had picked up the slack. Her slack.

" Butterflytuft? " She peers warily at the other she - cat, waits for the tortie's affirmation before she steps closer and sits, folding her thin limbs carefully underneath her. She can't bring herself to meet the other queen's eye as she glances down into the green where there had been dust last time she looked, ducks her head and murmurs, " Thank you. "

" For—for keeping an eye on my kits when I— " Couldn't. " Didn't. " Bobbie digs her claws into the grass, feeling the words clog up her throat, wonders whether she means to apologize to Butterflytuft or the kits when she says, " And . . . I'm sorry. That—that wasn't your job, and it shouldn't have been. " Her laugh is raspy and hollow as she mutters, " Some mother you must think I am. "

// @butterflytuft !!

" speech "

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[butterflytuft]

It’s one of those nice, slow afternoons that queens don’t get very often. All of the kits are asleep, napping in their respective nests. Butterflytuft’s is…empty. It’s okay. It’s not the biggest deal, because she can fill her days with watching the other queens’ kits. Bobbie’s kits have been the main focus for her. She knows the other queen is going through perhaps the hardest time she’s ever been through, and honestly, it helps her work through her own grief to be able to help out. And Candorkit, Lionkit, and Hollykit are great kits…she is sure her mentor would be so proud of them.

Lifting her head to meet Bobbie’s gaze - or, try to meet her gaze, if it wouldn’t keep dropping - she tilts her head softly. She is surprised by the sentiments that flow sadly from the other’s maw, blinking round eyes back at her. Her heart aches for the other and she instinctively moves closer, pushing her pelt into her legs in an attempt to comfort. “Bobbie, please don’t apologize,” She mews genuinely, brows knitting together. Seriously, don’t. She glanced at the three sleeping kits in the queen’s nest and smiles something gentle. “It’s been…nice…to help out. It’s been nice to have a purpose again, and…” get my mind off of my Dandelionwish. She shakes her head and looks back at her. “My job is to help. I’m still a queen. Let me help. Please.” I need it.

A paw is reached out, placed on Bobbie’s own. “I think you’re a great mother. We’re all just…doing what we can right now. You’re trying your best.” ​

 

[DOEBLAZE]

" I—Thank you, Butterflytuft, " For understanding, for supporting her, for taking care of her kits. It means more than you know. She recalls abruptly that Butterflytuft, too, had lost her mate—Dandelionwish's cheerful face and distinctive twang had been swept off the earth with the same heartwrenching suddenness that had taken Blazestar. The tabby sighs, flinching gently when a tortie paw presses against hers, but not rejecting the touch.

" I . . . I guess so, yeah, I just feel bad . . . " she trails off while she finds the words, finally managing in choked, low tones, " Everyone else has already moved on. " A heavy green eye blinks abruptly—she shouldn't further burden Butterflytuft with her issues. Bobbie clears her throat, swiping her free paw over her glossy eyes quickly, and nods. " But, um, yeah. Thank you. "

" speech "

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[butterflytuft]

"Not everyone has," Butterflytuft mews softly, her gaze unwavering now. Blazestar’s presence had been a constant in her life. She still doesn’t quite know how to navigate without him, the most trusted cat she ever had. He was her guide, her protector, her leader. “I can't speak for others, but…grief doesn’t just go away…” She has mourned much in her life. Her mother, her brother, her mentor, her mate. “Each day is a step, and sometimes it feels like you're standing still, and that's okay." She gently presses down Bobbie's paw, hoping to provide comfort through the touch. And more than anything, she just hopes this is helping. What does she know that the much more experienced cat doesn’t? “What matters now is them.” The tortoiseshell queen glances towards the slumbering kits, her heart swelling with fondness at the sight of their gently rising flanks. "Your kits need you, just as much as you need them. You're doing more than you realize just by being here with them, day in and day out.”

She smiles, letting the quiet hum of the nursery fill the space between them for several heartbeats. "And I'm here for you, too. We can lean on each other while we navigate through this." The sincerity in her voice is palpable, a gentle assurance that they are not alone in their struggles. They are two mothers who have lost their other halves. In that, they can find strength to do this together. “If there's ever a moment you need to talk or just sit in silence, know I'm here. Always."
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