sensitive topics so all those girls and bad boys made you cry || despair & bargaining

[betonyfrost]

It is the confinement, ultimately, that gets to Betonyfrost.

Time passes strangely, in that moments could be days or days could pass in a matter of a single heartbeat. The only thing Betonyfrost knows is the once comforting tangle of thorned branches over her head and the maddening walls of packed snow trapping her in. She’s never been prone to adventure, content to curl in a sunbeam in camp or lounge in a quiet space— but this is something else entirely. If Betonyfrost gets out of this, she’ll run the length of the territory.

She doesn’t think she’ll get out of this.

“He was going to let me die,” Betonyfrost says, without an audience in mind. She just needs her voice heard, “And you, you lot were going to stand by and watch it happen.”

Betonyfrost isn’t angry— rather she is a strange sort of calm, with something like a plea in her voice.

“I’ll starve or, or when the snow has melted enough he’ll put me back out there. Don’t think he won't. And not one of you will raise a paw except to bury me,” She’s laying down, not quite looking at any of her fellow warriors, but not out of her usual avoidance, “And when I’m gone, which one of you is going to become me? The only ones safe from it are his blood. I see that now.”

She’s too young to die. She doesn’t want to die, not here, not trapped.

“I didn’t do anything to deserve this— this apathy. So I’ve lost my temper on occasion. I get angry, I get so angry, but I wouldn’t if— I wouldn’t get so angry if I had someone on my side. I used to keep it in, but I’ve run out of space in me. I need to put that anger somewhere. That isn’t so bad,” She’s rambling now, shaking her head and closing her dull eyes.

“I could go back,” Betonyfrost knows, even in such a state, that going back to the old her is as likely a puddle returning to rain and falling upwards into a cloud, but she cannot stop herself from talking, “I wasn’t liked anymore then than now but— but no one would’ve watched me die like this.”

At last, Betonyfrost casts her eyes skyward, finally finding a direction for her words, and longs for the sight of an expansive sky above her, “StarClan, don’t let me die here. If you must take something from me, don’t let it be my life. Take anything else, but don’t take that.”

Above, but not nearly high enough, the low canopy of the bramble offers no sympathy.​

shadowclan warrior | blue mackerel tabby | 16 moons | tags​

 

[smogmaw]

He rests, curled up into an arc atop his sorry excuse for a nest. He trembles, as it's so chilly inside the den that he may as well be sleeping outside anyways.

All sorts of chatter went on whilst the storm prevailed beyond the bramble walls. Smogmaw represses the bulk of it, feigning ignorance to ensure his exclusion. He's grown so much more detached in the moons following Leaf-bare's inception, to the point where he cannot even pass himself off as interested in meaningless conversation.

When Betonyfrost speaks then, her words aren't akin to the tedious smalltalk made by her clanmates. Her inflexion is marked by genuine sorrow, pleading for her own survival in the wake of a merciless punishment. Everyone suffered during this hellish season. He can't recall the last time he filled his belly beyond quarter capacity. Yet, Betonyfrost suffered more, as decided by Pitchstar in the wake of her attacks on several clanmates. Smogmaw goes so long without seeing her sometimes that he assumes she's already lying motionless somewhere, consumed by the elements.

She deserves every bit of her sentence. He does not feel a shred of remorse for her. It's only when the gravity sets in, the ramifications of her transgressions are made clear, that she offers some sort of apology. StarClan has not been kind to anyone in ShadowClan this season, so why should it grant her an exception?

"RiverClan's always welcoming runaways," he scoffs, a lone eye scrutinising her wretched form. "Send Wolverinefang my regards, if you do go."​

 

[CHILLEDSTAR.]

entangled in a bundle of nerves and emotions. that seemed like a miserable existence, to be so captured by anger and sadness. arrogance and delusion is up there, too, but maybe not in this very moment. if there was any cat within shadowclan that was delusional, betonyfrost was surely at the top of the list. the stars had long since carved her path of insanity, and no one could take her off, right? chilledgaze wasn't going to. it wasn't their problem. their problem is to keep shadowclan alive, to keep them safe and sound. they barely can do that during such trying times while starclan sat with full bellies, laughing at their misfortune. whatever. they'd do their best, and anyone that complained could go to any other clan, besides shadowclan. now was certainly a test of these cats loyalty, and loyalty meant everything to chilledgaze.

she's crazy. they reminded themself. this is the same cat who claimed to be in love with them without so much of a bit of an idea of who they were. she was filled with delusions and she was losing it every day. but this is the consequences of her actions. she only cares now because her punishment nearly got her killed. she's not sorry it happened. she's sorry she got caught. chilledgaze moved their eyes to smogmaw who bitterly speaks, telling betonyfrost that she can run off to riverclan if she so wanted. they did seem to welcome disloyal bastards without batting an eye.

"if you don't wish to die, maybe you should think before you act, dearest betonyfrost. you have a brain, even if it's wobbling around in that head of yours like a loose pebble. use it."

they aren't mocking anything but, it's just as hard to tell if they're serious. the lack of infliction in their words makes it almost impossible to tell.

"of all the things to be... you choose to be dramatic. what a waste. stop crying, love. we are all sad and starving."

they propped their cheek against their paw, slowly lowering their gaze to their nest with a slow and exhausted blink. maybe they should have taken a nap. anything was better than listening to the insane mumblings of a cat nearing an emotional breakdown.

​

[ NOBODY ELSE MATTERS, GIRL ]​

 

[betonyfrost]

Betonyfrost blinks as if waking from sleep and tips her head Smogmaw’s way. That strange feeling doesn’t leave her. If anything, Smogmaw’s words amplify it. She’s thought about leaving before, but only in idle frustration. Imagining it now— there are too many what-ifs for it to even be a real option. Besides, and Betonyfrost feels how absolutely pathetic this thought is, Chilledgaze is here.

"You should being praying that I stay," Betonyfrost murmurs, "Its as I said, ShadowClan will always need someone to kick dirt over."

She wants to leave, not the territory but the den, with such a sudden and redoubled desperation that she stands, only to remember that there isn’t anywhere for her to go. Betonyfrost sits and scratches at one of her ears with her hindpaw instead, and reminds herself dully not to think too hard about the gray-black flakes that such an action causes to shed.

And then there is Chilledgaze to offer their own words, and Betonyfrost tries and fails to not feel cut through.

"Don’t call me dearest," Betonyfrost begs, despite the flutter in her heart, "Don’t call me love. Just—" And Betonyfrost feels the sudden and irrevocable desire to defend herself, she speaks not louder, but quicker, "—just, just— in what way did I do something deserving of this? How could I have thought this would be the consequence? Haven’t you punished me enough?"

She wants Chilledgaze to stand, suddenly. She wants Smogmaw to stand. She wants them to look her in the eye and tell her that death— because Betonyfrost is near certain she is going to die from this— is a felicitous punishment for nicking an apprentice’s face.

"But it isn’t about anything I’ve done or even me. If it wasn’t me you would find someone else to hate," Betonyfrost does settle back into laying down then, her tail coiled tight to her side, "Its the only way you get along with each other."​

shadowclan warrior | blue mackerel tabby | 16 moons | tags​

 

[FLICKERFIRE]

Snowed in, freezing their pelts off, and Betonyfrost sits in her little corner rambling to herself. Begging StarClan not to kill her. Her mumbling has a strange quality to it, genuine sorrow under the insanity, and it makes Flickerfire's fur prickle with unease. Turns out, Betonyfrost is sick, though it's not with the cold that's made her ears freeze off of her face. It's... something else, something weird going on in her head.

The tortoiseshell listens to Smogmaw and Chilledgaze respond with ire to Betonyfrost, and she seems to brush it off. Says ShadowClan needs someone like her, to push around, to scrape dirt over.

She snorts, tucking her paws under her slight dark body. "Can ya stop with the pity party already? Only person who feels bad 'bout your ears is you." This isn't entirely true, but Flickerfire isn't the one who'd doled out that punishment, is she? She'd only laughed in Betonyfrost's face about it. The site of the blue tabby disturbs her as much as her longwinded pleas to StarClan not to take her, but the lead warrior won't admit that. Can't admit that.

"Focus on bein' likeable so no one wants to kick dirt over you," she mutters, averting her flame-colored gaze.​