private So loved and so lonesome ❧ Doeblaze

[Florabreeze]

Guilt is an emotion Flora is intimately familiar with, she has danced with it frequently since her daughter was two moons old. She doesn't think she will be entangled with another, no other feeling grips her, attached to her like a shadow. She curls up on the long fraying couch of her Tweolegs. Body wrapped in gauze and bandages, saved the humiliation of a cone but she knows that to be a looming threat. She keeps from everyone in the house, Ditto included, nights are spent wandering when she has the time. Whenever she's not sleeping away the ache of the physical pain in her chest she's fighting off the phantom pains in her heart. Claws dig into the rough fabric beneath her, tears flow and shouts of damnation flow from her maw. There are some days where she rants about how she should have done it, it wouldn't fix anything but maybe things would hurt less if Kite were dead. There are others where she attempts to repent from those outbursts, begging StarClan for a chance to try and fix things. Can they even hear her out here? Is their grace not reserved for a kittypet out in Twolegplace?

She slowly reaches a cold acceptance in her slow ongoing recovery. It probably came after her bandages were changed, that she can't truly fix anything. It happened under her nose and she was too blind to notice, that she is a fool and she should just accept that. Use this to prepare for in case Kite came back, to finish what she couldn't before after giving them ample warning. To help make the clan stronger, so everyone knows where her loyalty is. To focus on those she actually loves, she thinks of Doeblaze and her friends in SkyClan. Ignoring the pang in her chest at the implications that she doesn't love her ex-mate anymore. Because that would be just too easy wouldn't it? She wishes she could have it easy, isn't this her birth right? To have a cushy life, she waits for it.

Tonight is no different, Flora sniffles as she stares at bleak food. Medicine hidden between wet chunks of meat, not herbs like Fireflyglow's, this is some kind of liquid. The taste is bitter but she acts as if she can't smell the difference once she wills herself to actually eat. The miserable affair of self care is cut short by the sound of something knocking against the window pane, there couldn't be a tree branch that's done it. Her fur bristles and curiosity finds the better of her, stretching her body to jump onto the windowsill brings another sharp hiss of pain. Wounds stretching with her, hopefully nothings torn. As her paws greet the sleek surface of the windowsill her thoughts of pain are erased entirely.

"Doeblaze? It's late" she trails off, looking up beyond the scarred warrrior to the moon above her. Framing her head like a halo, a gentle moon beam highlighting the lighter parts of the SkyClanners fur. It makes it a little easier to see her, the nights prior have been dark and dreary. "What are you doing out here?" She projects her voice to be heard beyond the glass, chords crackling as she exhausts herself to make any sound other than sobbing for the past week.

‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ A PARENT FORCED TO EAT ITS YOUNG BEFORE IT GROWS ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎‎ ‎ ‎‎ ‎ ‎ ‎‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎‎ ‎ ‎ ‎

• @DOEBLAZE
• 
  FLORABREEZE 𖧧 She/her || Daylight Lead Warrior of SkyClan || 39 moons
  ❥ A large black tabby maine coon with low white and bright green eyes, always wearing her mushroom print collar if she can
  ❥ Mentored by Sorrelsong ／Mentoring Daffodilpaw
  ❥ "Speech", thoughts, attacking
  ❥ Penned by Juice ⏐ouijeejuice on discord {open to being dmed for plots}

​

 

[DOEBLAZE]

Chill nips at her nose as she drops from her latest sill and cuts through one of Twolegplace's side streets yet again. Asking around with the daylight warriors had yielded a fair notion of where Florabreeze spent her time outside of the pine forest, but clearly her navigation skills aren't what they used to be, at least where Twolegplace is concerned. No matter. It can't be that far.

Moonlight filters through the clouds and meshes with the synthetic orange buzz of the occasional flickering streetlight. A light snowfall presses cold touches to the ragged tips of her ears, collecting in a dusting of frost on her shaggy pelt. It's cold, but she can't stand the thought of one more night camped out in her nest, wondering if Florabreeze is okay. Wondering how she's doing. The idea of one of her friends left to her own devices, surrounded by beings who couldn't understand her, in the wake of such a betrayal … it's downright unthinkable to the tawny warrior. At least when her other friends were hurting, she could find them simply by ducking under the hazel bush.

Another sill and another glassy wall. When she peers through the shining surface, her eye brightens and then dims at the sorry sight of Florabreeze slumped over a bowl of kittypet food, swathed in foreign white bandages. Shaking out her snow-strewn pelt, she lifts a paw and gives the glass a resolute smack. It takes a moment, and then she's face-to-glass-to-face with her tabby councilmate.

" Hey, Florabreeze. I know, " she acquiesces ruefully. Certainly, trekking through Twolegplace at night wasn't her best idea … then again, it had turned out their biggest threat wasn't in Twolegplace at all. At the thought, she tears her eyes from Florabreeze's face for a moment to survey the tabby's well-wrapped wounds. At least Twoleg medicine was still reliable, and reliably confusing, amidst all this mess.

" I just … " she trails off for a moment, looking at Florabreeze, really looking at her. The ragged quality of her gaze, the cracked nature of her voice, the strange Twoleg remedies she's decked out in. I wish I could have done something to stop this. But none of them had been able to stop Kitestorm—hell, none of them had even known what Kitestorm was—until it was far too late.

" I guess I just wanted to see you with my own eye. Make sure you were holdin' up okay. " Her words are accompanied by puffs of steam, bright clouds against her backlit figure. She pauses. " Are you holdin' up okay? "

A silly question, under the circumstances, yet she can't help but ask it.

​

 

[Florabreeze]

"Did you come here alone?" Concern is evident in her green eyes, out of practice from her masterful art of masking feelings when she felt they weren't needed. It's strange to hear her voice, no matter how muffled it is through the glass of the window. "Just Flora's fine, We're not in SkyClan." A futile attempt to keep that divide, it's just so much easier. It used to be anyways, before the worries about her time within SkyClan's camp would follow her home to her twolegs den. Truthfully she isn't sure how long she can keep that divide going anymore, not after everything. There is power though, being able to hold onto who can call her something so personal as a name from another life. She frowns at the memory of telling Kite indirectly that they no longer have the privilege to use it anymore. There can be time for wallowing over that later, instead her mind races to fix a problem. A problem of Doeblaze being here by herself, what if Duke is out there somewhere? Another rogue or dog, how can she get back home safely in a place that hasn't been her home for a long time. Florabreeze frets, debates insisting on taking her back to camp herself but the throbbing of disturbed wounds reminds her that this is in fact not a smart possibility.

There is seemingly hesitation in the lilac tabby's words, it's unlike her. She brings her paw to brush it against the window, while she can't actually touch her. Rest a paw against another, no matter how comforting that may be (more for her than for Doeblaze). It's the thought that counts and right now that's all she has for better or for worse. Tired green eyes, usually acidic in lighting but under the moon seems dull, tries to seek out anything Doeblaze is willing to give. She's tired, both literally and figuratively, exhausted from her isolation, from her crying and the monotonous routine of medicine and bleak food. The lead warrior hadn't considered how she looks right now, her twolegs are not as on top of brushing her as they usually are and she refuses to contort her body for non necessary grooming.

She just wanted to see her? It's a surprise, truthfully Flora assumed that she would be the last face anyone wants to see right now. The ex-mate of a murderer, one who exiled instead of slaughtered. She let all of these crimes slip out from under her paws, a creeping feeling of malaise settles as she catches onto that downward spiral that will lead into begging for forgiveness later. She doesn't realise her eyes are watering until she feels the stinging of them. "I- uh. No, not really" she thinks about lying, saying that she's fine but judging from the state of her general being she doubts it would be a very believable one.

"I just feel... Really stupid Doeblaze" she admits with a weak chuckle, paw moving from where she had it pressed against the glass of the window. "How am I supposed to come back to SkyClan after this? I couldn't catch a murderer even when I shared their nest at night" it's what everyone else thinks, right? Maybe that's an unfair assumption, but it's one that Flora holds onto. With a frustrated sigh she moves her paw to swipe at wet fur of her face. "Sorry- I'll bounce back from it" is what she means to say, she feels the urge to deflect creeping up on her. "How are you?" She could ask how the clan is, she should, she cares for them. However, the clan isn't visiting her right now. Right now it's Doeblaze, braving the snow and the dangers of Twolegplace to sit by her window underneath the cover of the moon, where no stars seem to reach.

‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ A PARENT FORCED TO EAT ITS YOUNG BEFORE IT GROWS ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎‎ ‎ ‎‎ ‎ ‎ ‎‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎‎ ‎ ‎ ‎

• 
  FLORABREEZE 𖧧 She/her || Daylight Lead Warrior of SkyClan || 39 moons
  ❥ A large black tabby maine coon with low white and bright green eyes, always wearing her mushroom print collar if she can
  ❥ Mentored by Sorrelsong ／Mentoring Daffodilpaw
  ❥ "Speech", thoughts, attacking
  ❥ Penned by Juice ⏐ouijeejuice on discord {open to being dmed for plots}

​

 

[DOEBLAZE]

" …Yes, " she admits begrudgingly after a moment, pressing her forepaw to the shocking chill of the glass. Sure, slinking through the Twolegplace on a snowy night probably wasn't her best idea—but how could she just go to sleep knowing Flora was out here, alone with her thoughts? Without her Clanmates to support her, knowing the better half of them were hungry to set their teeth in her ex-mate's neck? " Don't worry about me, really. "

" Oh, Flora… " she murmurs. The other warrior's kittypet name tastes foreign in her mouth, but not bitter. As Flora's paw falls away from the window, Doeblaze presses hers against it ever more urgently. Frost nips at where her torn ears rise from her shaggy pelt, but she hardly feels it. " It's not your fault, and I mean it when I say that. Nobody … none of us could've possibly known what they were, least of all you. "

" Ignorance is no crime. Cats have done worse things for love, " she murmurs ruefully, her free paw curling its claws into the snow drifting up on the sill. Her jade eye is alight with an unexpected ferocity when it meets Flora's, even through the layer of frost-nipped glass. " Please, don't let anyone make you think otherwise. They're just … angry, and it makes them careless. "

" Don't apologize. " She tips her forehead against the cold glass, hoping it'll shock her into finding the right words. Now more than ever, she wishes there wasn't a pane between them, that she could press her shoulder to her friend's and let the warmth of her pelt talk. Words have never been her strong suit. " And—I'm fine, really. "

As badly as she wants to ask questions until she's sure Florabreeze is as close to okay as she can be under the circumstances, she doesn't want to pressure her friend either. Instead, she shakes the latest dusting of powder off her pelt, a contained flurry backlit by the wide eye of the moon. " Keepin' busy, you know. The usual stuff. " Guilt nudges furtively at the edges of her mind.

​

 

[Florabreeze]

"Who's going to worry about you if I don't?"There is a teasing lilt to her tone, hoarse and a weak flame in comparison to the wild fire her flirtations and teasing's usually are. It's a defensive thing, to reflect when uncomfortable with flattery. Though when within company like Doeblaze she doesn't particularly feel it as a defensive thing than something natural, no matter her turmoil she knows she isn't threatened around the lilac she-cat. So it becomes genuinely light hearted, even in such a weak state. Doeblaze has family, friends, things that Flora doesn't believe to have herself currently. She will always have someone to watch over her, to worry and to fret, she just hopes that her own doing so isn't too much. "What if you run into Duke again? Oh, Doeblaze" she frowns at the thought, the idea of her friend being injured on her own account, Twolegplace can be dangerous when the sun falls. "I guess my pleading won't make you go home then?" She knows the she-cat is stubborn, in all of her strengths this is the only weakness that the Maine Coon could hope to identify.

Even if she requested her kittypet name be used when out of here it is strange to hear it from her friends maw, much less for her to be listened to. Given everything she half expected Doeblaze to brush it off, she hopes she can be forgiven for temporarily thinking of her so poorly. The fact she keeps her paw pressed against the glass too... It doesn't go unnoticed by unnaturally despairing green eyes. "I should have known, no one else at camp knew them as well as I did" It's easier to speak in past tense, to perceive kite as dead rather than still out there, but then her mind thinks of kits she will never have the chance to meet and her heart squeezes painfully. "Do you think of me as... Weak? For not being able to kill her?" Her eyes drift from the paw still pressed against the glass to the she-cat on the other side of it. Doeblaze is a mother herself, naturally her opinion is held in high regard from that fact.

Ignorance is no crime, the words bring a misty new set of tears to her eyes. It quells the ache in her heart slightly, not entirely, nothing ever will; but it helps all the same. With a sigh she brings a paw to her eye, rubbing the tears from it, a wobbly smile given as she presses her own forehead against the glass. The window is thick, yet she is certain she can vaugely feel the body heat from the other outside. It looks so cold, she hopes that Doeblaze knows what she's doing. "I know I just... I worry that I should be agreeing with them, love's blinded me. I should hate them and I do but... The thought of killing them makes me sick." she frowns at the thought, bright citrines searching dull jade to catch a glimpse of judgment. Maybe it would be easier if all her bridges were burnt.

"So things are normal at camp then? Relatively?" She yearns to know what the climate is, what she will be potentially returning to. Reluctantly she brings her paw back to the glass, eclipsing the smaller cats own from her vision. "You must be so cold... Please don't risk your health to be out here" to see me, it's not spoken out loud but it hangs between the pair like Duke's unconscious pelt when they travelled to Twolegplace. Had that been when their bond started? No it had to have been before that, but she can only assume that's why she's out here, some thought of duty.

‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ A PARENT FORCED TO EAT ITS YOUNG BEFORE IT GROWS ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎‎ ‎ ‎‎ ‎ ‎ ‎‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎‎ ‎ ‎ ‎

• 
  FLORABREEZE 𖧧 She/her || Daylight Lead Warrior of SkyClan || 39 moons
  ❥ A large black tabby maine coon with low white and bright green eyes, always wearing her mushroom print collar if she can
  ❥ Mentored by Sorrelsong ／Mentoring Daffodilpaw
  ❥ "Speech", thoughts, attacking
  ❥ Penned by Juice ⏐ouijeejuice on discord {open to being dmed for plots}

​

 

[DOEBLAZE]

" Who's going to worry about you if I don't? " she counters almost playfully, surprised at how easily Flora draws the teasing side of her out. It's something the solemn warrior rarely employs—and yet improbably, on an icy leaf-bare night in a strange place, jokes slip easily from her jaws. " No, it won't, " Doeblaze answers with nearly a hint of a grin. " Relax. I think I can manage myself. You just focus on healin' up, yeah? "

" Still. You're a lot of good things, Flora, but you ain't a mind reader. Nobody should be expecting you to be. " Her pale muzzle creases into the beginnings of a frown. The only person at fault for Kite's actions was… well, Kite. Flora wouldn't be the first cat to share a nest with a murderer, and she'd done it unknowingly. Cats of their own Clan had broken the code with full knowledge of their actions—how could they fault her for being in love? For being deceived, when they'd all been?

" No. Stars, no, " she emphasizes, hoping the gravity of her words reverbates even through the frosty pane of glass. " Killin' someone hardly ever makes you feel better, trust me. Just makes you feel bloody. " A distant cast slips onto her jade eye like an old friend, liquid in the moonlight. Memories; hot flesh under her teeth, blood steaming in the snow. A gnawing ache in her chest Harrierstripe's cut-short life had done nothing to sate.

" Good. If the thought of killin' anyone makes you sick, it just means you're a good cat. " Her huffed breaths steam the glass momentarily; were it not for the window, they would mingle with Flora's. If she focuses, she thinks she can feel her friend's phantom warmth through the icy pane. Sorrow and dismay pool in her verdant eye, pity maybe, but no anger, no judgement. " Hell, it makes me a little sick, myself. "

" As close to normal as they'll ever be, with a leaf-bare like this. " Her sigh fogs the glass a little, the excess trickling up from the corners of her mouth and into the chill night. Wind whisks her breaths away as fast as they come. " I ain't gonna lie to you, Flora. It's tense. " Something like anxiety ripples across her face, fast replaced by assuredness. " But SkyClan's survived worse. We'll get through this. 'Specially once you're back in camp. "

Offering the tabby a small, unassuming smile, she shrugs. Flora'd never been bad company, but lately, she'd felt like some of the best of the lot. Maybe it was the pressure of this harsh leaf-bare that'd brought them to swiftly to friendship. Then again, it wasn't just anyone who'd save your life and help you drag your would-be murderer to a Twoleg medicine cat without question, was it? Doeblaze shoves the thought intentionally away. She has so few relationships she's yet to stain, she's not eager to question this one. " I'll be fine, really, Flora. I'm tough. "

​

 

[Florabreeze]

There's a beat, a blink of surprise before she grins, broken and pieced together but a grin regardless. "You can worry about me plenty fine from camp y'know" that teasing tone is brought out from her, an echo of her former chipper tone. Hoarse in presentation, a true reminder that things would never be the same. It's refreshing to hear her voice, no matter how muffled, to see that she doesn't seem to be irreversibly damaged, to actually hear her tease and counter. Somehow still refereshing to know she's truly too stubborn for her own good, a small sigh slips from her fond even if laced in good meaning irritation. "I know you can manage yourself, I think I would heal better without the stress" she doesn't mean it, not from the fond smile that finds her. Doeblaze is one of the toughest cats she knows, of course she will be fine but there's always that what if. She thought Oakrumble was sturdy and yet all it seemed to take was the element of surprise which the rogues of Twolegplace know.

Flora frowns in contemplation, she supposes Doeblaze makes sense. Yet the guilt persists, she can't imagine herself falling onto some excuse of oh I just didn't know. Even if it's true, she hates it. She wishes she could do more, though the past really can't be changed as loathed as she is to admit to that. Of course Doeblaze would know how it feels to take the life of another, she always just seems to know what to say. "Sorry- I didn't mean to make you think of that" her maw trembles as she speaks, words shaky as frustrated tears overspill. Her paw moves from the windowpane again to wipe at them with a sniff, taking a moment to take a deep breathe she continues. "I don't think I could do it, no matter how much it feels like I should have" no matter how much her clanmates probably would have preferred it.

"Do you think this feeling will go away?" She knows the answer, yet she asks anyways. Hoping her friend has the answers, stars she's begging she does. Though she can't dwell on herself any longer, forcing herself to think about her clans wellbeing instead. It's easier, they're distant, not tangible like her own confusing emotions. As normal as they'll ever be in these times, she takes it. The lack of mention about Spicepurr makes her assume the daylighter must also be healing, she thinks to ask but ultimately decides against it. "No... Thank you for being honest, I'm just glad to know that it's as close to normal as it can be." Would that change when she returns? Reminded of the crimes committed against their clan because they have to spend every day next to the she-cat who shared their nest?

"With me in camp? You're too kind, really" she murmurs, loud enough so she can be heard but the self-deprecation can also be audible as consequence. "I'm sure I'll make things worse" yet she can't bare to be apart from it. How funny is that? To want to stay with a clan that may very well hate her? She sighs once again, curling up closer against the glass in search of a comforting warmth that she will never reach. "I know you are, just be careful. Please." She can't stomach the thought of losing a friend.

‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ A PARENT FORCED TO EAT ITS YOUNG BEFORE IT GROWS ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎‎ ‎ ‎‎ ‎ ‎ ‎‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎‎ ‎ ‎ ‎

• 
  FLORABREEZE 𖧧 She/her || Daylight Lead Warrior of SkyClan || 39 moons
  ❥ A large black tabby maine coon with low white and bright green eyes, always wearing her mushroom print collar if she can
  ❥ Mentored by Sorrelsong ／Mentoring Daffodilpaw
  ❥ "Speech", thoughts, attacking
  ❥ Penned by Juice ⏐ouijeejuice on discord {open to being dmed for plots}

​

 

[DOEBLAZE]

DOEBLAZE

SHE/HER ✦ SKYCLAN WARRIOR

Thickening slices of moonlight cut steadily through the clouds, casting Flora's face in a double mask through the window. " I could, " Doeblaze allows, the words winding off her tongue, slow as the gradual crash of the dawn. Her eyelid slips low and half-lidded across the marbled jade of her lonely eye, gaze resting heavily on Flora. " But then I wouldn't have the privilege of seeing you. And that would be a shame, indeed. "

It's true, so true that her own candor startles her as it falls too easily from her jaws. Florabreeze has a way of doing this to her, of effortlessly lifting free words that normally take days of coaxing and the low light of dusk to loose. She blinks, once, slowly. The dark tabby loosens her tongue the same way a midsummer's day or the slow, sleepy moments before she falls into sleep do. It is wholly unexpected; that is not to say unwanted. It's relaxation like she rarely feels, a privilege unearned.

Clearing her throat thickly, she shakes her head, trails of white-tipped fur moving fluidly against the cool wind. Flora's voice is half a second delayed by the glass, but it's enough to make her wish she could cleave through it like green bark. " I already told you not to apologize, especially not to me. " She softens her words with a gentle whisk of a blink and a delicate cock of her ears, artificial light spilling through the valley they form. Her voice wavers for a moment, dulled by frost. " I think of it often without your influence, anyways. It's… an inevitability, really. "

The desperation in Flora's voice is raw as a tender wound, as skin pink with blood. In the throes of it, she hesitates. " I— " Pain stays the flex of her throat. As compelling as it is, she cannot lie to Flora; it runs against her nature as much as slapping a newborn kit clean across their soft face. She hovers on the precipice of the truth; when her voice escapes her anew, it is thick and confused on her tongue. " I don't know if it will ever… go away. But it might change into a shape that's more manageable. " Her blink is soft and liquid, sorry for the crossroads fate has seen fit to set Flora at.

" If anything, I think I'm not kind enough. " Again, Flora draws that sudden candor, unspools it from her chest without even asking for it. Nearly bashfully, she tilts her head. " I'm certain you won't. You'll make things better for me, at least. " Almost instinctively, she presses the full length of her foreleg to the glass, as if she could reach the phantom warmth of her friend through it.

ooc:

—

accordion

Doeblaze is a small, scruffy lilac tabby she-cat spotted with white. She has one jade-green eye, the other blotted out by a prominent scar.

thomas x champagne / sister to bloomfur / mother to many
shadowed blazestar / mentoring n/a
58 moons old as of 2/5/2025

penned by dejavu