- Dec 15, 2022
- 88
- 53
- 8
// cw for flashbacks, abuse, violence, heavy trauma stuff.
She remembers not being able to breathe.
She remembers his paws on her back and neck, claws digging into the skin there, holding her. She felt so small.
It comes and goes, this brokenness, this inability to function... the way the memories capture her, trap her. She doesn't remember them like normal memories. On good days, she can't think of them at all... only the vague impression of pain and the very clinical knowledge that he hurt her. That he did things no one should ever do to a child. And then on bad days they consume her — there is no middle ground. And she's had so many good days lately... since that fox, since that fight. Since she won something, finally, for once.
The high was always going to come down.
She remembers his voice. His eyes. Everything so vivid, captured in technicolor snapshot.
She's been fighting off this sense of helplessness since the raid, since watching so many clanmates go down, not all of whom would get back up again. Smokethroat, Iciclepaw... she could have lost them. And it's been hard but she'd been managing — she'd honestly been doing okay!
But today.
Today.
It was a small thing that triggered it — something an NPC had done on patrol that morning, a touch that shouldn't have scared her the way it did. A friendly touch. It just — it just — she doesn't know.
She's curled up in her nest now, facedown, dragged it all the way back into a corner for this. Here it's dark and she's alone and she can just sit with this: the phantom pain that crawls over her skin. The way he would slam her to the ground so easily, hold her underwater — the fur and flesh that he'd ripped from her face, ginger that would grow back white. How he walked away from her in that metal cage, left her to die, how she begged and screamed when the twoleg found her, how she was so sure it'd tear her to pieces — she relives this and every time, every time she's sure she won't survive. Like — this time it'll really swallow her whole. This time the terror and pain will be too much to come back from.
How stupid she was to listen, that very first time, as Spiderfall crooned and beckoned her out of camp. Special duties for Cicadastar. What a stupid — stupid lie! How could she have believed him?
She sits there and she cries into her nest and she can't do anything else. Can't bring herself to move. She sees him behind her eyelids and she knows if she goes out there she'll just — lose it. Someone'll move wrong and she'll flinch back or have a breakdown or something. She can't do that in front of anyone again.
She's been so .... normal lately. Making everyone think she's all fine again. Making herself think that. She can't let them see her backslide; she couldn't stomach their faces after, she thinks.
She stays right here in her nest and feels empty.
—— " i found gold in the wreckage "
-
uhhhhh shes just havign a bad day she'll be fine tmrw
-
- 9 month old orange tabby with green eyes
- apprenticed to lead warrior willowroot
- crushing hard on iciclepaw
- happy-go-lucky, mischievous, hardworking
- very friendly, but defensive of riverclan!
- got real fucked up as a kid so if she seems like she was fucked up as a kid, that's why
- "speech" -
- KICKED FOX ASS
- she is on a JOURNEY
