private spit it out \\ Ferndance

[Wormwatcher]

✧*:.｡. “Badger!” Wormwatcher calls out in a lilting tone as he enters the warriors’ den, stalking lightly around nests. It was a little bit before dawn and most of the clan’s early risers were already out of the den, but he felt particularly lonely and wished for a familiar companion. Wormwatcher wishes to leave camp, which is why he stridently approaches Ferndance’s nest, feeling the need for his oldest friend and confidant. In just a few strides is beside her nest and crouches beside the cinnamon tabby.

The lithe tom settles down in front of Ferndance and nudges her shoulder with an extended forepaw as he sees her stir slightly. “Ferndance,” he mews softly, his hot breath brushing across her cinnamon fur. He leans forward and prods at Ferndance’s face with his damp nose, urging her to awaken. Ferndance is the only cat whom Wormwatcher lets his guard down around and behaves in such a way with. He allows all his vulnerabilities to be shed around her, most anyways. In turn he has always been a shoulder for her to rely upon– for better or for worse. Wormwatcher sighs, “Walk with me?” It was less a proposition than a statement of fact that Ferndance will walk with him, especially considering the persistent tom would not stop pestering her until she did. "C'mon, lets chat."

✧*:.｡. ~ aren’t i enough? ~

• ooc– @FERNDANCE
  
• wormwatcher —— ✧*:.｡.shadowclan warrior, he/him, homosexual, 28 ☾

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[FERNDANCE]

Bleary eyes slowly blink open at the shadow cast upon the den's entrance, quietly nudging one of her many hoarded items out of the way with an uncoordinated forepaw. The days since Chilledstar's death had been long, her grief minimal but her mate's enough to resonate within the tabby's heart all the same. It would be a moon until Needledrift could return to her side again and all she could hope was that the other mothers were sympathetic enough to offer the shoulder that the full-time warrior struggled to. A sudden song caused her heart to skip a beat before she turned her body the other way. "Tell it to go back to bed, it's too early for badgers." Moments passed as she began to analyse the voice, the overly familiar tone and the friendliness. Then, when something booped her shoulder, her ears twitched in understanding. "Ah."

Ferndance, lithe of limb and fallow brown, was the badger. Briefly, she feels like a Queen in the Nursery again, waking up to play with her kittens and tell them many great stories. They were ten moons old now but had caused twelve moons of trouble - and she would never trade them for all the stars in the sky. Wormwatcher, over twice their age, was strangely similar. He had become a good friend since his time in ShadowClan, even if his bedside manner left a lot to be desired. "Next time... yell fox at me. You'll trick more ShadowClanners that way," She smiled at the absurdity, stretching out each limb until the muscle knots had been mostly worked out. Emerald eyes adjusted to the light outside, feeling a surge of warmth as she found the apprentice den in her vision, then, the Nursery. For a moment, she didn't react to Wormwatcher's words, acting as if they had entered one ear and escaped the other.

Eventually, she rolled her shoulders in a gentle shrug. "Ok..." She agreed, curiosity gnawing at her words. "Walk and talk, I can do that." Quietly, she began to trot after the grey feline.

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[Wormwatcher]

✧*:.｡. The topic of Ferndance's family was a point of contention for Wormwatcher. This was of course not something he would voice aloud to Ferndance-- he wasn't the type to speak up about such complicated feelings but he also did not want to upset the only one he could admit (only to himself) that he loved. He knows he is not Ferndance's son, nor would would he not dream to replace her brother, so he is stuck in a purgatory in the sense of what he meant to Ferndance. Wormwatcher knew he would go to great lengths to advert harm away from Ferndance and more reluctantly, but without hesitation, away from Needledrift and their abundant family. He has distanced himself in recent moons, feeling himself close off from the cinnamon tabby since the birth of her kits, visiting the nursery a total of once after the eventful birth. As a warrior once more, Ferndance was less avoidable. In addition, Wormwatcher has once more felt himself being swallowed by loneliness. He felt the irresistible urge, this morning, to reconnect with the one dearest to himself but not without that familiar knot of anxiety within his chest.

"Sorry to wake you," The lanky chimera sighs, turning his angular head over his shoulder as he walks. "But thanks for coming, badger." As they approach the exit he pauses, flicking his tail to motion the molly to go ahead. He trots after her and begins to match her steps, their pelts brushing against each other in a familiarity he allows none other than herself. "You've been... well?" He peeks at Ferndance through his peripheral vision, searching for any micro expressions when she replies. He wonders if she has felt his distance-- he wouldn't blame her if not, it was hard enough to deal with kits and the tribulations of aging children-- especially one going missing... Wormwatcher had searched furiously for Snowypaw along their territory, solo and with the other patrols, to no avail.

✧*:.｡. ~ aren’t i enough? ~

• ooc–
  
• wormwatcher —— ✧*:.｡.shadowclan warrior, he/him, homosexual, 28 ☾

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[FERNDANCE]

The former Lead Warrior followed with a trotting gait, listening to his apology and letting her voice drop to a whisper. "I'm furious." A faux fierceness entered her voice, so staged that even the she-cat herself couldn't help the gargled laughter that threatened to escape her. "How dare you wake me up?" She wrinkled her nose and, as she attempted to sneer, a fanged smile crept upon her maw instead. She moved forward, urged to mutter a 'just kidding' but stopped by the idea that Wormwatcher would know she was joking already. Plenty of time had passed since they'd last had a proper conversation, but he still knew her well, as she knew him. Even without the blood bond, they were like kin, which made her choices in the last few moons all the more difficult.

Her ears swiveled at his words, the slightest hint of guilt creeping into her belly. The safety of the tabby's family relied on deceiving even those who meant the world to Ferndance, more than ever, she realised just how much like her mother she'd become. It had never seemed like a bad thing, Olly was kind and puerile, but... it did not change the omissions of her motivations when sending her children to the clans, the slow unraveling of the truth that made the cinnamon she-cat feel betrayed. Wormwatcher would surely feel the same if she ever admitted she knew where Snowypaw was (or, at the very least, hoped she was, she could never know for certain until she saw her daughter's smiling face once more). She licked a paw and swiped it behind her ears, bringing her movements to a halt. "As well as I can be..."

Her tail swayed mournfully. "I'm... not used to this sort of grief. It's easier to pretend it's not there. When I feel that pit of dread in my belly, it doesn't feel right, it feels like it's poisoning me. Poisoning what I am, what I want to be." Selfishly, she wished she could rip it out and put it in her nest as something to worry about later, but then, Snowypaw might thing that she didn't care for her. It was an impossible conundrum, one that only closure could cure. "Don't worry, Worm. Just act like we used to before all this, I'll... get over it." Or, at the very least, bottle it up.

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[Wormwatcher]

✧*:.｡. Ferndance's humor is something that Wormwatcher has always been fond of and is pleased to hear that laugh he knows so well. He feels bad he must ruin her upbeat mood when he asks her how she is doing. Poisoning what I am... Wormwatcher feels an unbelievable knot of sympathy in his throat at Ferndance's statement, his long ears careening back in concern. He doesn't like to see her like this, it pains him.

Wormwatcher takes a half-step forward and brushes a gaunt cheek against hers, a brief gesture of familiarity-- eccentuated by the use of his simplified name which only Ferndance is allowed to utter without his temper flaring. Don't worry, Worm. Oh, but he will. He knows how holding back feelings can eat at one like maggots. "Oh Ferny. That won't do." The wiry tom steps back sits back on his haunches lightly, his head tilting to analyze the ticked tabby. "You don't have to get over anything. You shouldn't push it away," He rushes through these words, feeling oddly uncomfortable. Is he overstepping? Will Ferndance push him away, as he has done to her countless times and she may do with these feelings?

"No one expects you to heal from this. Snowypaw is a piece of you, gone missing. You won't just get over this, I think... you have to feel this." Wormwatcher bites his lip and stares down at his paws and then casts his icy gaze upon her, the corners of his eyes damp with emotion. He could not fathom the pain Ferndance could be going through but that thought hurt him, what use was he if he could not help her? He wished he could take it all, deal with those feelings as he does with his-- concealed and hidden until those maggots eat him from the inside, out.

✧*:.｡. ~ aren’t i enough? ~

• ooc–
  
• wormwatcher —— ✧*:.｡.shadowclan warrior, he/him, homosexual, 28 ☾

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[FERNDANCE]

Her ears flattened as Wormwatcher pressed against her, protesting her dismissal as if he were a defiant little apprentice again. The physically affectionate warrior could not reciprocate. She almost wanted to smile, but the cinnamon tabby didn't know if she could be grateful for it, not when remembering was so painful. Pretending that loss was not a possibility, or had not happened at all, made things ok. "I lost my sister before I joined ShadowClan. She... she got caught up in my little sibling's schemes against a rogue, was killed as revenge by the group's leader for what they'd done." Beregost, as innocent as a dragonfly, killed in cold blood - her family divided ever since. "Then there was Sprucepaw... she died for me and my kittens. " And she could never forget that, the guilt that had kept her up enough nights to make the Nursery a miserable place. She endured it for Needledrift, for her babies, but sleeping there was no longer an option no matter how many more litters she may mother.

"This type of loss is new, but loss itself it's... it's been felt before. I want it gone, I want to feel like everything is ok, because the alternative isn't me." It was dark, brooding, sad, emotions she had never properly expressed before the marshlands. It had always manifested with upset bellies and headaches, a heart desperately trying to remember whilst a head distracted itself with whatever whimsy came its way. Her claws unsheathed in frustration at the truth, that she would have to wear Snowypaw's disappearance like a scar... that it was even ok to do that. She'd always hated how angry it made her clanmates, how burdened they seemed with the idea of life whenever something bad happened in ShadowClan. Her love for them had regrown since her time as a Queen, but her desire to be them was no greater now than it had been when she'd joined.

'I want to be a ShadowClanner... and be myself.' The goods and the bads, but who was she if she let herself weep openly even after all this time? She blinked, and found her vision blurry. A little laugh escaped her as she raised a white paw to her tear ducts, rubbing them until she was certain any evidence of sadness was gone. "I'm sorry, Worms. I am supposed to be the one that cares for you, yet here you are... giving me all this advice." Her voice was as dainty and soft as ever, unshaken by the emotions that threatened to emerge in her maw. "Can we keep moving? I think... standing still is making my eyes itch."

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